Sometimes you think you've lost everything

Sometimes you won't find a way out

But sometimes you find your light again

And run after

never let it go again

You will follow this light everywhere

your hope

Your luck

your will to live

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Mu Qing wearily opened his eyes. He could hardly move his body. Everything hurt him. His room was completely dark.

The door opened.

Only a small ray of light came into the dark room. Then the door opened wider and a person stood at the door frame.

,,You should get up now. You've been in bed all day."

Mu Qing said nothing.

The person entered the room. Mu Qing only felt the weight of his bed change. But he wasn't interested. A warm hand touched his cheek.

,,I made breakfast."

,,I just want coffee..."

,,Coffee alone won't keep you alive."

,,I don't even want to live."

,,Mu Qing..."

Mu qing did not answer. He turned his back on the person. Neither of them said anything. He didn't know how much time passed or how long he just stared at the wall. But he definitely didn't want to move.

,,Come on... please get up..."

Still no answer.

After that there was no more question. Mu Qing felt someone gently pull his blanket away and he was then simply pulled up. Before he could even complain, he was led into the kitchen. On the table was a plate with eggs and toast.

,,Try to eat at least something..."

Mu Qing's eyes just stared at the food. His body didn't want to move.

,,Xie Lian he can't go on like this...he needs help..."

Xie Lian sighed and also knew that Feng Xin was right. But still, both of them couldn't leave Mu Qing here. He refused to seek help. No one can help him if he didn't even want that help.

,,Feng Xin... we can't..."

Xie Lian put his hands on Mu Qing's shoulders.

,,Shall we do something again today? Like three?"

Mu Qing said nothing.

,,That would be a great idea! We can go to the movies or skateboard to the park like we used to!"

Feng Xin tried to lighten the mood, but Mu Qing didn't react. Xie Lian looked at Feng Xin in despair.

,,Mu Qing...?"

Mu Qing sighed.

,,OK."

Feng Xin immediately beamed and Xie Lian had to refrain from hugging Mu Qing tightly.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later, the three of them found themselves in the cinema hall. It was comedy. While Xie Lian and Feng Xin laughed heartily, Mu Qing sat and stared at the screen. Actually, he didn't know exactly why he agreed. This movie wasn't funny for him. He does not care.

Eventually he got up to go to the bathroom. He needed a little rest. When he went to the toilet, a strange boy caught his eye.

He leaned against the sink and looked at his phone. He was incredibly tall, probably much taller than Mu Qing. Through his clothes you could see the muscles underneath. What particularly caught Mu Qing's eye was his unusual style of dress.

It was the first time Mu Qing had seen such a handsome person. For the first time he found someone so attractive looking with such beautiful long hair.

The person looked up from the cell phone and stared directly at Mu Qing. Obsidian black eyes met cold black eyes. Mu Qing realized that this person was wearing an eye patch. Mu Qing looked at him confused.

,,Do you want a photo? Lasts longer."

Mu Qing cocked his head in confusion before simply strolling past him. 

He roll his eyes. 

He went to the sink and wanted to wash his face.

Mu Qing opened his eyes and looked at himself in the reflection. Beads of water rolled down his face. The once-so-handsome young man was now nothing more than a wreck. His eyes had big, thick black bags like he hadn't slept in years.

His beautiful black hair was barely shiny and his one so beautiful obsidian black eyes were now dark and empty.

His beautiful, porcelain white skin didn't look healthy. As if he had hardly fed or cared for himself properly in years. On the whole he looked thin.

Suddenly he felt a hand touch his wet strand.

,,You're not ugly, it's a shame you let yourself go."

Mu Qing said nothing. Who was that person to take the right to say anything.

The person lifted Mu Qing's chin and turned his face to him. He looked at Mu Qing from all sides and smiled dangerously. He took a picture of him without Mu Qing's permission.

,,Do you want to feel alive again?"

Mu Qing blinked.

,,What?"

The person laughed.

,,Do you want to feel alive again?"

Mu Qing looked at him tiredly.

,,Why would I want that?"

There was something dangerous about this person. He didn't know why, but just staring that person in the face made him feel like he should leave.

And yet there was something attractive about this person. Something he can't describe.

,,Because you look like you want to die."

,,If I hadn't thought of it, do you want to tell me right away that you are God?"

Mu Qing rolled his eyes sarcastically. The person laughed.

,,So you want?"

Any normal person should really just turn around and leave from this point. Don't look back and run away. But Mu Qing had nothing to lose. He didn't want to live anyway. Why shouldn't he give these strangers a chance? He can do no more than die.

,,Can you make me feel alive again?"

Suddenly the stranger came closer. Their lips almost touched. They looked deep into each other's eyes.

,,Tell me your wish and I will fulfill it"

Mu Qing closed his eyes and sighed.

,,Why should I wish for anything if I only wish for death anyway?"

The person laughed.

,,Do you wish you could feel alive again?"

Mu Qing rolled his eyes.

,,Why not? I wish it."

,,Perfect."

After that, that person kissed Mu Qing. Mu Qing could not react. He just allowed it.

,,Then let's bring you back to life!"

Without further ado, Mu Qing was led out of the restroom. Energetically tugged at the wrist without thinking if Mu Qing would object.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A person can stand

speak,

breathe,

go

and yet it lies in the sleep of death

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

,,How do you feel?"

Mu Qing could not answer. Mu Qing was far too focused on perceiving his surroundings.

It was late.

The lights coming from the buildings lit up the dark night. Many small and yet beautiful colored lights could be seen.

Mu Qing clung a little tighter.

He has never ridden a motorcycle in his life. He always wanted to know how it feels to drive one or to be there.

Now he was sitting on a red, incredibly beautiful motorbike. Mu Qing could hardly take his eyes off the sky. He had never seen such a starry sky. To be honest he hadn't seen the sky for a long time.

The moon was shining brightly. It was beautiful. Also this feeling when they drive together on the Autobahn caused him to be in admiration and in a trance.

He never would have thought that he would get the feeling of being excited again. Even if it was a small spark. But he felt it.

There were hardly any cars on the street. He could feel the wind. His body felt charged.

How long hadn't he had that feeling?

,,Do you feel it? That feeling of being alive after all?"

Mu Qing could barely get a word out. He looked up and through the helmet didn't see his driver's face. But he knew that this one was grinning.

,,Yes..." he needed softly.

,,Terrific! Then you will really enjoy it! Hold onto!!"

Suddenly the engine roared. It got very loud. Surprised, Mu Qing hugged the person tighter and they drove down the street at incredible speed.

The lights flew past them. It was so quick!

Those lights that put him in a state he's never felt before. He hadn't even dared to dream.

But he felt something!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I can see in your eyes 

what you can't see in yourself 

Someone worth to be loved

--------------------------------------------------------------------

,,Here for you."

Mu Qing caught a can.

Coffee.

Mu Qing hesitated and looked at the can in confusion.

,,You can drink it. It's on me."

Both sat together at a parking lot that had a viewing platform. This gave them a good view of the city.

,,Nice... I didn't even know there was such a thing..."

,,I don't think you'll get out much."

Mu Qing rolled his eyes and took a sip.

,,How did you know I like coffee?"

,,All depressed people like coffee."

Mu Qing rolled his eyes again.

,,Idiot."

The only response Mu Qing got was a pleasant laugh.

After that both of them were silent. Oddly enough, it wasn't an awkward silence. In fact, it was... very pleasant. They both leaned against the bike and stared at the city together, just lost in thought.

It was fresh but not so cold that Mu Qing would freeze. In fact, both of them could stay like that forever if Mu Qing's cell phone hadn't started vibrating.

Confused, Mu Qing looked at his cell phone and realized something.

Fuck... he forgot Feng Xin and Xie Lian.

It was only now that he realized how many messages and calls he had really missed.

,,We should probably take you home then. Otherwise your friends will kill you."

,,Very funny. Next time don't just look over my shoulder at my messages."

,,You're sitting next to me."

,,That is no excuse."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

When Mu Qing was deposed, he didn't really know how to say goodbye. Was it just a one time thing? Apparently not.

,,Give me your phone."

Mu Qing was confused but handed him his cellphone.

Humming, he punched in his number and then repeated it on his own cell phone while Mu Qing stood by and watched.

,,I will write to you, Mu Qing."

Mu Qing nodded slightly and picked up his phone again. Before he could say anything else, the person drove away.

Slightly dazed, he entered the house. Only to be overrun by his two friends.

,,WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!?"

,,WE WERE WORRIED!"

,,Young man, you owe us an explanation!"

Mu Qing could not escape. But he couldn't explain what exactly happened either.

,,What do you mean you were 'outside'? YOU?! Voluntarily?!"

Xie Lian was just as confused as Feng Xin. But Mu Qing was silent and didn't know why he couldn't get a word out.

His friends quickly noticed that Mu Qing didn't want to say anything. It was late for that, so they decided to postpone the topic until another time.

Before Mu Qing could go to his room, Xie Lian hugged him again.

,,I'm glad you got home safe... and I've never smelled that perfume on you..."

Mu Qing was silent on this comment. He just closed his room door and slid it down. Hesitantly, he looked at his cell phone. He wrote a number.

'Hua Cheng'

'Hua Cheng, but I prefer to be called 'San Lang' by you, Qing-er'

Mu Qing read the message again.

Then he whispered softly.

,,San Lang...?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'd say it hurts like hell,

but I'm too cold inside

to have warmth within. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To be honest, Mu Qing didn't think he would find himself out so soon.

Hua Cheng sat across from Mu Qing and took a sip.

,,Why are you looking so grim, Qing-er?" +

,,That's my face."

Hua Cheng laughed.

Mu Qing noticed sometime in the morning that Hua Cheng had written it.

'Come out, I'm on your doorstep'

That was two hours ago. Mu Qing was confused and opened the door to really find Hua Cheng sitting on his motorcycle outside the door. Mu Qing couldn't explain why Hua Cheng didn't just ring the bell or why Xie Lian and Feng Xin didn't notice anything... but whatever.

Out of necessity, Mu Qing had to change clothes and get ready.

Now both sat at Starbucks and drink coffee together. Hua Cheng ate a cake while Mu Qing ate a bagel.

Mu Qing didn't even have time to tell Xie Lian and Feng Xin.

If they come home and don't find Mu Qing, they'll definitely worry again.

,,Well, since you probably don't care what we do anyway. I'll give you a list that you fill out. There are things listed that we do and don't do. You'll tell me what's a no go and what's not!"

Mu Qing looked at the list and for a moment wondered how he would like to do all this with him.

,,Bungee Jumping in Switzerland? Also from the Niouc Bridge? Still skydiving in Switzerland? Jump off a cliff into the sea in Hawaii? Once in France in a five star restaurant?! Riding a bull in Texas...?! Do a tango course in Spain...?! To the shooting range in America?! What the...?! What are these crazy things and in different countries?!"

That was only a small part of this list. Hua Cheng laughed at Mu Qing's reaction.

,,Let that all be my problems, if if you want something else, write it down."

,,I don't have money for any of this!"

,,I told you to fill in the form and not if you have money."

Hua Cheng lifted his head scornfully and only indicated that he didn't lack the money.

,,What if I don't want any of this? Just looking for an opportunity to die?"

Hua Cheng laughed.

,,You signed the moment you took my hand that you wanted to live."

Mu Qing hesitated. But he filled out the list.

At the end, he gave the list back to Hua Cheng.

,,Qing-er, you want to build a hospital for neurology and also free of charge for every patient? So nobody has to pay anything?"

Mu Qing nodded.

Hua Cheng didn't question it. It was the only thing Mu Qing wrote.

To be honest, Mu Qing hadn't ticked for anything else. He had only had this wish. that was you

Mu Qing knew that it would be very expensive. But he was interested in nothing else.

Hua Cheng smiled, crumpled up the paper and it was gone.

,,Well then, tomorrow we're flying to Canada, or rather we'll take a boat trip to Niagara Falls there first and then see the capital. Pack your sunglasses, we're going to buy new clothes today. You look awful!"

Mu Qing took a moment.

,,Stop stop! I didn't even tick that!! I don't want any of that---!"

,,Well, since you'd only hide somewhere else anyway, I can drag you out and let you see the world. You might discover something you love!"

,,But I do not want to..."

,,Too late you took my hand!"

,,I can at least do my own stuff---"

Mu Qing has already been taken away by Hua Cheng. There's probably no no.

Again, Mu Qing had that short spark. The feeling of forgetting everything for a moment. He clutched Hua Cheng tightly. He closed his eyes for a moment. To live this feeling briefly for this moment.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mu Qing was amazed as he walked across the flower meadow. The wildflowers grew and were incredibly tall. He was waist-deep in that meadow. The sun was just slowly going down. You could see the sun clearly between the trees. The sky was bathed in a beautiful afterglow and the air was really good for him.

,,Wow..."

,,You'll have moments like this more often now."

Mu Qing only looked at him briefly and then continued walking. It felt strange. It felt really weird to get the feeling of being free or briefly alive. Hua Cheng followed close behind him.

He smiled as he looked at Mu Qing from behind.

,,I didn't even know that such a field existed..."

,,Qing-er you will still experience a lot. Especially that."

Hua Cheng laughed. Mu Qing just looked at him questioningly before turning away. He looked at the sun. At that moment he asked himself if he could classify this moment as happy. Or why Hua Cheng tried to help him.

,,Why are you helping me?"

Hua Cheng shrugged.

,,I have a lot of free time."

Mu Qing rolled his eyes. He probably won't get an answer. Hua Cheng stood next to Mu Qing and pointed to the sky.

,,Look at that cloud! Looks like a duck!"

Mu Qing rolled his eyes again.

,,There's a cloud over there that looks like a horse."

Hua Cheng smiled while a small smile formed on Mu Qing's otherwise monotonous face.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't think 

I can feel anything without you 

anymore

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

When Mu Qing came home, a mountain of things awaited him. Meanwhile, his friends stood completely shocked in the middle of all the stuff. Both had arrived a long time ago.

,,What the hell!? MU QING!?"

Xie Lian didn't know what to say. They didn't even notice that Hua Cheng was behind him.

,,What the hell is all this?! Now don't tell me you threw away all your savings!"

,,Where did you get all that?!"

Mu Qing couldn't get a word out. He didn't know how to explain that. Instead, Hua Cheng took a step forward.

,,These are my gifts for Qing-er."

He demonstratively put a hand around Mu Qing's waist.

,,We're going on a trip tomorrow. Then you can rest for a while."

Even though Hua Cheng said everything so nicely, his voice sounded like he wanted to eat them alive. Mu Qing had never heard that dangerous sound.

Both winced.

,,What the hell?! Mu Qing who is that?!"

Mu Qing couldn't get a word out. Hua Cheng didn't bother to introduce himself. Instead, he lovingly took Mu Qing's hand and kissed his cheek.

,,See you tomorrow Qing-er."

Without further ado, Hua Cheng just walked away. He ignored Feng Xin's curses and Xie Lian's uncertain looks. He got on his motorcycle and drove away. Mu Qing just stood there alone and perflexed. How is he supposed to explain everything...?

Mu Qing did not have the time to do this. Shortly afterwards he found himself back in the living room with the things. He hadn't seen Feng Xin this angry in a long time.

,,Who is this man?! Why don't you tell us you're dating someone?! Do you idiot know how worried we were?!"

Mu Qing wanted to say something.

,,We don't even know if he's nice or not... why would someone suddenly be so nice to you and treat you kindly?!" Feng Xin continued.

Mu Qing was silent again. Feng Xin was right. Why would Hua Cheng help him? What had he done? Why didn't he think about it. He couldn't sleep that night. He could hardly stop thinking about it. Nothing that would have slept well anyway. But that night he just couldn't sleep.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night, I had a dream, 

but when I woke up,

There was just no traces, strangely

However, things was so real

At the price of headache, sweating body, and pain

Many pains: the past, the present, and the future

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mu Qing sat tired in Hua Cheng's private plane. Why does everything look so fancy? Hua Cheng looked at Mu Qing with amusement.

,,You hardly slept. Do you want to rest?"

Mu Qing said nothing and looked out the window. He has never flown. Especially not in something like that. But Feng Xin's words would not let him go.

Why did he do that?

Hua Cheng touched Mu Qing's hair.

,,You have nice hair. You should love it and not neglect it."

,,San Lang... please don't... it's weird..."

Mu Qing looked away. It wasn't like it was uncomfortable, but he just had never been touched so gently.

Hua Cheng seemed to read minds. He continued and kissed his strand. Mu Qing just let it happen. He let Hua Cheng play with his hair. He hardly noticed the actual flight. He was busy watching Hua Cheng and seeing how he lovingly braided his hair.

When they arrived, Mu Qing was amazed. He has never been anywhere but his city. Now he stood here. On a private landing area and looked around. It was very cold here, but the air was nice and refreshing.

Hua Cheng gently took Mu Qing's hand and pulled him along. Mu Qing endured it. He followed Hua Cheng everywhere. Hua Cheng showed him many places and new dishes that he has never eaten in his life.

Even if Hua Cheng had to eat most of his portion. Mu Qing didn't do much and eventually became nauseous from eating so much. He wasn't used to that at all. He has never been on a boat tour and that too in Canada.

,,How do you like the waterfall?"

Mu Qing could hardly utter an answer.

,,Incredible...", Mu Qing averted his eyes with difficulty.

,,I knew you would like it!" Hua Cheng smiled sweetly at him.

Mu Qing averted his gaze and didn't know how to react. Mu Qing carefully leaned over the edge of the boat and touched the clear water.

,,Wow..."

He will probably never get used to the beauties of this world.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mu Qing already thought that the day itself was too much. But when he was standing in the hotel room. He has never seen such a clean room. Immediately he had the feeling that he didn't fit into this world. But Hua Cheng didn't seem to think so.

He gently pulled Mu Qing into the room and sat on a chair. Mu Qing was pulled onto his lap. He didn't resist it.

Instead, he felt like a doll being carried around by Hua Cheng. He felt sick. Not just from all the food. But also from so much activity.

He really wasn't used to that. But oddly enough, didn't regret coming either. Actually, Mu Qing didn't like contact. He rarely let Xie Lian touch him. Even less from Feng Xin. It was probably also because Feng Xin was very rough and often hurt him unintentionally when he grabbed him.

Instead of pulling away as usual, Mu Qing pressed his head into the crook of Hua Cheng's neck. He slowly closed his eyes and breathed in Hua Cheng's scent. He didn't like strong perfume. But his was fine.

Hua Cheng smiled slightly and stroked Mu Qing's head and put his other hand on Mu Qing's thigh.

,,Rest a little. I burdened you too much. I'm sorry..."

Hua Cheng's voice was like a soft whisper. Mu Qing ignored it and felt Hua Cheng kiss the top of his head briefly. He really wasn't used to so much contact.

But Mu Qing didn't do anything about it either.

,,Why me?" Mu Qing asked softly.

,,Why not you?"

,,I'm just some person you've only known a few days."

Hua Cheng chuckled.

,,And yet you seem like you want to be saved. Now get some sleep."

Mu Qing shook his head.

,,I'd like to, but I can't."

Hua Cheng paused and thought. Mu Qing slowly opened his eyes again and looked up at Hua Cheng. His face really thoughtful.

,,What are you thinking about?"

Hua Cheng smiled.

,,Not so important"

He picked up Mu Qing and put him on the bed.

,,I can not sleep.."

Hua Cheng looked at him.

,,Then what do you want?"

Mu Qing looked at him.

,,I want to ride a motorcycle again."

,,OK"

After that, Mu Qing was behind Hua Cheng again. They drove across a street.

Mu Qing relished that feeling. He clutched Hua Cheng tightly.

Again, Mu Qing just saw everything rushing past him. He will probably never get enough of this feeling. For that moment he was really wondering what it means to live. But maybe that's a question for when else.

He never had the desire to die. But he never knew the meaning of life either. Maybe Hua Cheng could finally give him the answer. For since he appeared in his life he felt alive.

,,San Lang..."

,,Hm?"

,,Will you be able to drive me anywhere?"

,,Anywhere you want. Tell me what you want and you will get it."

Mu Qing said nothing.

Was Hua Cheng really ready for anything?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

He was his only escape, 

and 

he was his only prison. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

,,Uno, dos, tres..! Uno, dos, Tres!"

Mu Qing was led by Hua Cheng.

,,Why are we actually doing a dance course in Spain? We could have done one nearby..."

"Although tango originated in Argentina, it's a very popular dance in Spain. People like to dance at tango festivals, so of course we have to learn where it's used the most!"

Mu Qing rolled his eyes.

"Then why do I have to dance the female dance?" Mu Qing asked, rolling his eyes as he was pulled closer.

,,Uno, dos, tres..! Uno, dos, Tres!"

Hua Cheng smiled and guided Mu Qing well.

,,Because you look beautiful in those clothes."

,,These are for women."

,,Yet you look more stunning than most women."

Mu Qing sighed and got carried away by the music.

,,You're a natural. You can memorize the steps immediately and only look at them once."

Mu Qing said nothing to that. The people around him made him feel uncomfortable. Everyone stared at them. And yet he felt safe in Hua Cheng's arms.

What kind of a feeling is this?

Even though everyone is staring, why does he still feel safe? Why was he even doing all of this?

------------------------------------------------------------

,,I'm not going to do this..."

Mu Qing clutched Hua Cheng's tightly.

,,We're going to do this together."

,,I still can't do it..."

,,It's my first time too.. so don't worry."

,,That's a lie."

Hua Cheng laughed and picked up Mu Qing. He wrapped his hands around Mu Qing's thighs.

,,Hold on tight."

Mu Qing twitched uncertainly and clutched at him more.

,,Is it at least solid?"

,,Don't worry, I've had everything checked."

Mu Qing sighed.

,,Everything is safe. They can jump anytime they are ready."

Mu Qing clutched Hua Cheng tighter. Mu Qing had never done bungee jumping. He was afraid. But Hua Cheng was calm.

,,Close your eyes and let yourself fall."

,,Why in Switzerland?"

,,Why not?" 

Mu Qing took another deep breath and wrapped his legs tighter around Hua Cheng and clawed at him tightly.

,,Ready?"

,,Ready."

After that, Hua Cheng jumped.

Mu Qing couldn't help but scream and shut his eyes tight. While Hua Cheng screamed with delight, Mu Qing felt like he was really about to die.

But that very feeling proved to him that he was alive.

,,Qing-er! Open your eyes!"

Mu Qing opened his eyes and he was amazed. He saw the bridge getting smaller and he dared to look around. It was a mixture of fear, joy and adrenaline.

Just let yourself go.

He clutched Hua Cheng tighter.

That feeling meant he was alive.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

,,San Lang"

,,Yes?"

,,Take me to the viewing platform. I want to be there again."

,,I'm already on my way!"

Again, Hua Cheng drove him anywhere he wanted.

,,Where are you going again?"

Feng Xin leaned against the door frame. Mu Qing looked at him and couldn't answer as Feng Xin continued.

,,You have changed. Back then, a man like him would never have come into question. But now... look at you... you're wearing the most expensive brands in the world..."

Xie Lian stepped on Feng Xin's foot but said nothing. Mu Qing felt something pull inside of him.

,,I..."

Feng Xin was already turning, and the look on his face made Mu Qing's heart ache. It was the expression of pure disappointment.

And he knew why.

Once again, Mu Qing might express his desire to be driven around on the motorbike.

Actually, he would never have believed that a person like Hua Cheng throws money around as if he had never had anything else in his life.

Undeserved.

Why is life so unfair?

Why was everyone else luckier in life and Mu Qing had to pay for it?

Feng Xin was right.

He has changed. Why had he said yes to Hua Cheng. Why did he do that?

Once again they arrived at the viewing platform. Mu Qing ran to the fence.

Hua Cheng stayed behind and watched him from afar. Hua Cheng looked at him in silence. He took out his cell phone and took a picture of Mu Qing.

If this moment of beauty could last forever.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to heal your broken heart 

start healing your thoughts

then your words.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Mu Qing looked down uncertainly.

,,Are you sure it's a good idea?"

Hua Cheng laughed.

,,The list says jumping off a cliff. This is the best place to jump off a cliff into the sea!"

,,On a Hawaii coast?"

,,Yup! Do you want first?"

,,I always thought you could surf well in Hawaii."

,,I had that in mind too. But first the more important things!"

Hua Cheng held out his hand to Mu Qing. Mu Qing looked at him questioningly and then at his hand. He sighed. He pulled his jacket tighter around him.

,,You'll get a change of clothes later. You don't have to take them off if you're uncomfortable."

Mu Qing didn't know how to take the words. He felt uncomfortable and didn't want to just run around in his swimming trunks. But he didn't think Hua Cheng would have noticed.

Hesitantly he took the hand.

This man who throws his money around could do something good instead of for a wreck like me, thought Mu Qing and looked at the floor.

Hua Cheng smiled and pulled him along.

,,Ready?"

,,Yes."

,,Then jump!"

And they jumped together.

Why is he doing it? Am I entertainment for him?

Those thoughts vanished together as he fell into the water and was completely engulfed by the water along with Hua Cheng.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

,,It tastes weird..."

,,Don't worry, that's because you don't know it yet."

,,I've eaten a lot because of you, but oysters really aren't my thing."

Mu Qing briefly stabbed the oyster. Hua Cheng laughed and took a sip of the white wine.

,,Is not bad. You can give it to me."

Mu Qing looked at him and then looked at his food again. Another fancy restaurant. This time in Paris. Actually, Mu Qing asked himself why in such an expensive restaurant. Why couldn't they have just gone to a normal restaurant together normally?

Even if he wanted to feel alive, he didn't need luxury food now.

Waste.

Why for him?

Why would he do that? Is that because he was bored?

And yet Mu Qing could not agree. Because he knew he needed that attention somewhere.

He was pathetic.

,,What's wrong? You don't look happy."

Mu Qing was silent for a moment.

,,No, it's nothing."

Then he ate the oyster and downed the white wine right after it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

,,Are you sure he has nothing on his mind?"

,,I don't know it."

,,Xie Lian! You have to tell him something is wrong! Why would he just do nothing to you like that!?"

Mu Qing couldn't stand this conversation anymore. He wanted away. He wanted to see Hua Cheng.

Xie Lian looked at him.

,,Does he treat you well?"

Mu Qing looked up. His eyes empty and full of sorrow and yet a glimmer of hope.

,,He makes me feel alive again. I can't do without him anymore."

Feng Xin faltered.

,,Mu Qing, it could be a trap..."

Xie Lian nodded.

,,You have to be careful. This relationship... it could develop into something you'll never get out of... something I don't want to think about..."

Feng Xin looked at him.

,,It could be toxic... Mu Qing you are..."

Feng Xin did not finish this sentence.

Mu Qing smiled bitterly and his heart felt heavy.

"Let it be then. He makes me feel alive. He is the one who can save me and he should be the one who can kill me."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

a bird with a broken wing

met another with a broken heart

together they learned to sing

------------------------------------------------------------

No matter how perfect something can be. It doesn't last forever. Mu Qing sat trembling on the hotel bed. Arms wrapped tightly around himself. The fingernails buried deep in the flesh.

,,Qing-er!"

Mu Qing hardly noticed Hua Cheng.

,,Hey... I'm with you..."

Hua Cheng tried to wipe Mu Qing's tears from his face. Mu Qing didn't even realize he was crying. His chest hurt. Everything in him felt like it was going to break.

He couldn't handle this pain. Although he thought he was used to it.

No.

He can't do it. He mustn't hurt himself. He knew once he did it, he'd never get out of it.

Mu Qing bit his lip hard.

I want to die was the only thing that came to Mu Qing's mind.

What is the point of living if life had nothing valuable to offer.

Everything can pass. Even the feeling of living.

He felt dead inside again.

,,Hey! Do not bite!"

Hua Cheng lifted Mu Qing's chin and kissed away his tears.

,,I'm with you. I take care of you."

,,Do not touch me..!"

But Hua Cheng didn't move a bit. Instead, he hugged Mu Qing.

,,I'm with you."

Mu Qing never believed such words. But for this moment he wanted to believe it.

Just for this one little moment.

,,Come on, let's go for a ride on the motorbike again."

------------------------------------------------------------------

He was everything real

in a world 

of make-believe

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mu Qing tried to understand that picture. He look at Hua Cheng. They are alone in the Hermitage in Saint Petersburg.

,,Why are we alone?"

,,I rented it."

,,This works out!?"

Hua Cheng laughed.

,,This is one of the most famous museums in the world. No matter when you come, you will always meet crowds. I don't think you're interested in that right now."

Mu Qing sighed. He knew Hua Cheng saw through him. He knew that Hua Cheng was watching closely and knew he didn't like physical contact.

However, Hua Cheng was an exception.

He took Mu Qing's hand in his.

,,Don't you like it?"

,,Yes... but it's just... I have the feeling that I can't do anything with art..."

,,It's a question of the perspective. There is only one art in this world that I admire."

Mu Qing looked at the painting before turning back to Hua Cheng.

It wasn't the first time Mu Qing felt his heart reminding him that he felt something.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Where was he?

Where did he go?!

Why wasn't he here?!

Why wasn't he with him?!

Mu Qing woke up drenched in sweat. Desperately he groped around. Nobody was with him. He sat up and glanced at the clock.

2:31 a.m.

Unsure, he looked for his cell phone. Desperate, he dialed the number.

,,Qing-er? Do you want me to come over right now?" a sleepy voice asked him.

Mu Qing winced. He couldn't get a word out. He wanted to tell him that he needed him. That he should come over. But when he heard the sleepy voice, he got scared.

Was he a burden? Was he imposing?

,,I'll be there in half an hour."

Before Mu Qing could say anything, they hung up. He looked at his cell phone before he jumped up and looked for clothes.

When Mu Qing finished, he heard the familiar sound of the motorcycle. Mu Qing didn't know exactly how far away Hua Cheng was, but he only knew that he always got there very quickly.

Mu Qing ran to the window and looked out. Hua Cheng sat on his motorcycle and looked up and waved.

Without further ado, Mu Qing then ran out of the house, not knowing what made him run into his arms. He sought his closeness.

He sought his attention.

He needed her.

He needed Hua Cheng.

Also, only Hua Cheng was able to make him smile.

Hua Cheng took Mu Qing to MC Donalds and playfully tried to steal the chicken nuggets from him. At first, Mu Qing felt it was nice to eat and have fun.

That only with him.

Hua Cheng made everything possible.

-----------------------------------------------------------

,,I understand that you like to buy me clothes... but WHY IN NEW YORK UPPER FIFTH AVENUE!?"

Mu Qing hardly dared to move. But Hua Cheng laughed about it. All these clothes were so expensive, and Hua Cheng bought them like they were nothing.

,,How can I not buy you that when you look so good in it! Look at Mu Qing, your perfect body fits everything!"

Hua Cheng touched Mu Qing's face and kissed his forehead affectionately.

,,You look amazing!"

Mu Qing was so uncomfortable with these luxury brands. He couldn't afford all these brands even in 100 years. But Hua Cheng courted him so much that he forgot.

No one ever made him forget that he was worthless.

Hua Cheng made him feel like he really was the most beautiful gift in the world.

,,No amount in the world can even begin to pay for your beauty. You deserve all these beautiful things."

Mu Qing looked away and sighed.

,,You're killing me..."

Hua Cheng just laughed and gently pushed him closer.

,,I will always take care of you."

He held Mu Qing's waist as tightly as if he would never let Mu Qing go again.

He look in Mu Qings eyes.

Mu Qing couldn't really tell what it was. Something was in Hua Cheng's eyes.

Almost like an obsession.

------------------------------------------------------------------

He was his favorite sin.

He was not a habit anymore, 

he was an obsession

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some time passed. Mu Qing had seen and experienced more in six months than he had ever dreamed of. But it was kinda exhausted too. Luckily, Hua Cheng planned it so that Mu Qing could still get enough rest.

Even if Mu Qing was no longer allowed to stay at home every day. He was dragged out of the house every day. But still enjoyable. Because they were often there where he could still relax a bit.

He wore nice clothes, looked much better groomed and meanwhile he no longer seemed emaciated and thin.

But his dark circles didn't really improve, he still looked tired and exhausted. His posture, too, was still very tired and loose.

Hua Cheng gently stroked his hair.

,,Would you like to go somewhere else?"

Mu Qing turned his head to Hua Cheng. Both lay together on the meadow in Japan.

,,Not really..."

Hua Cheng looked at Mu Qing for a long time.

,,You have something on your mind."

Mu Qing turned sideways and looked him straight in the face.

,,I can't hide anything from you?"

,,No, you are an open book to me."

Mu Qing chuckled.

To everyone else it was a book with seven locks. And now a man wants to tell him that he hadn't even known him for a year, that he was easy to read? Either Hua Cheng was a man with an eye for detail, or he must have spent hours, days even weeks trying to figure out how to understand Mu Qing.

,,Why are you doing all this for me?"

Hua Cheng looked at him and then smiled softly.

,,You seemed like you wanted to be saved."

,,Do you find me pathetic that you, as a stranger, have to save me?"

Hua Cheng chuckled.

,,I never found you pathetic. But when I found you, you looked so broken. I didn't have anything better to do anyway, so why not?"

Mu Qing raised an eyebrow.

,,So I'm entertainment?"

,,I didn't say that. But you know, when you have too much money and time, you get bored of being alone."

,,A conversation then?"

Hua Cheng sighed.

,,Not directly. More... like a partner to talk to."

Mu Qing sighed and rolled his eyes.

,,Will you ever dump me when you get bored?"

Suddenly, the expression on Hua Cheng's face changed. His smile widened.

,,Who says I'd ever let you go?"

He bent down to Mu Qing and lifted his chin.

,,Now that I have you, I won't let you go. I have invested a lot of time and money in you to make you happy. I won't dump you because you've gotten "bored". You won't get rid of me."

Mu Qing didn't know why, but those words gave him goosebumps. Hua Cheng's eyes have always looked dangerous, but at that moment they had a gleam in them that Mu Qing knew was almost pure madness.

Mu Qing smiled slightly.

,,Then I hope you'll stick to your word if you want to make me yours"

Hua Cheng laughed and kissed Mu Qing.

,,You've been mine for a long time, since the day you took my hand you signed your sentence."

If Mu Qing hadn't been so unstable at the time, he might have understood those words.

But it was already too late to escape from this relationship.

------------------------------------------------------

At first he was just any person

A nobody

Then he got to know him

Curiosity became an obsession

He will never get out of this obsession

He lost his soul for him.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Mu Qing pressed himself against the wall. He wondered how he got into this situation.

Strange men stared at him with disgusting grins.

,,Are you sure you don't want to do anything with us?"

Mu Qing rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

,,Disappears."

,,Why? We just want to buy you a drink!"

Mu Qing rolled his eyes again.

,,I'm a man."

For once, Mu Qing wore a beautiful tight dress. He had lost a bet against Hua Cheng. Now he was hit on by two men.

,,That doesn't bother me!"

One came closer.

,,You can still record two with---"

Suddenly someone grabbed the man and threw him backwards. He fell right into the pool.

,,This will be the last time we will cruise with other people. I didn't think there would be nasty rats sneaking in despite the money."

Suddenly the other one was thrown into the water too.

,,Qing-er... I'm sorry that our cruise to the Caribbean went like this... I'll make it up to you..."

Hua Cheng apologetically kissed Mu Qing's forehead and wrapped his hand possessively around Mu Qing's slender waist.

Mu Qing just rolled his eyes in response and didn't comment further.

Hua Cheng raised Mu Qing's chin.

,,Do not be sad..."

Mu Qing sighed and just leaned his head on his shoulder.

He can't do without Hua Cheng anyway.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Mu Qing woke up drenched in sweat. Desperately he groped next to himself. Hua Cheng was not with him.

He was alone in the big hotel bed.

,,San Lang?"

No Answer.

,,San Lang!"

Again no answer.

Mu Qing began to panic. Why was everything so dark?

He felt the bed again. Nothing... why was there nothing. The spot was still warm.

Hua Cheng can not be far!

Shivering, he tried to get out of bed, but instead tripped over his own feet and fell. His vision blurred.

,,San Lang...?"

Now he heard was. Someone opened the door.

,,What are you doing there?"

Mu Qing looked up quickly.

Hua Cheng crouched down and picked him up.

,,Why are you crying? I am here. Have you had another nightmare?"

Mu Qing pressed against him, trembling. He clung to him more.

,,Just another nightmare... where have you been?"

,,I had to make a few calls..."

Hua Cheng stroked Mu Qing's hair. Mu Qing was shaking and his tears blocked his vision.

No! He couldn't lose anyone again!

Hua Cheng seemed to read his mind and leaned down and kissed him.

,,Don't worry, I'm with you."

With these words, he pushed Mu Qing into bed and gently kissed away his tears.

Mu Qing held on to Hua Cheng like he was the only one in the world who could save him.

Like he was the only reason he wanted to exist.

The only reason he wanted to live.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

,,Are you sure you want to go faster?"

Mu Qing nodded.

,,I want to drive faster!"

Hua Cheng shifted gears and they both sped onto the motorbikes across the highway. The lights around them were nothing more than little unrecognizable dots rushing past both of them.

,,There is no speed limit in Germany... drive as fast as you can!" shouted Mu Qing.

He could barely hear himself speak.

Hua Cheng laughed and shifted as high as possible. Mu Qing had never felt so fast before. His heart was racing. His eyes shone with delight.

Hua Cheng grinned under his helmet.

Maybe they were gambling with their lives right now.

But maybe it was worth it.

Maybe they both needed that roller coaster to keep themselves alive.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wish

the time had better timing 

for you and me 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mu Qing hurried to be on time. But Feng Xin stopped him.

,,Mu Qing, this is getting out of hand! Your relationship is not normal anymore!"

Mu Qing looked at him confused.

Xie Lian nodded vigorously.

,,Every time he's gone you're sad and bury yourself in your bed. You're gonna break yourself! You make yourself dependent..."

Mu Qing just looked at them confused.

,,I know that."

,,You know it?! Are you crazy?!"

Feng Xin got angry.

,,I can't watch you break Mu Qing! You... you've been broken before! I can't---"

Mu Qing ran past them both.

,,I know..."

Xie Lian tried to hold him tight.

,,You fell in love wrong...!"

Mu Qing stopped. His hand on the doorknob.

He slowly turned around and looked at them both with sad smiles.

,,We don't love each other. I do not love him."

,,What---"

,,I need him to live."

Xie Lian understood.

,,You don't love him. You're obsessed with him because he keeps you alive...Mu Qing you'll break if you keep it up!"

Mu Qing smiled more, but his eyes spoke more than a thousand words.

,,Then I want to decide what will break me this time. Let him decide my death."

With these words he left the house.

--------------------------------------------------------------

It was the first time Mu Qing drank alcohol in order not to forget the reality. The first time for fun.

He never thought that alcohol could become something that he once drank for pleasure. If he drank, then so much and for so long that he fell asleep and forgot everything or almost had to be taken to the hospital.

For once it was different this time. He laughed.

,,San Lang you are beautiful!"

Hua Cheng saw him smile and kissed him.

Mu Qing let him.

,,You make me feel things I've long forgotten!" Mu Qing laughed drunk.

Hua Cheng picked him up.

,,How do you mean that?"

,,Life. I haven't lived since my mother died."

Hua Cheng paused and looked at him.

Mu Qing continued to chuckle and leaned against him.

,,One day she took in a child to save and care for. Then it disappeared and shortly after that she passed away."

Hua Cheng put Mu Qing on the bed.

Mu Qing wrapped his arms around his neck.

,,Let me forget reality. Just let me live San Lang. Make me feel alive."

Hua Cheng looked deep into his eyes.

,,Your wish shall be granted."

Then he kissed Mu Qing again.

----------------------------------------------------------------

It's been a year.

The world seemed so beautiful and perfect. But unfortunately not everything lasts long. At some point it will collapse. Like a butterfly that can lose its delicate wings with a simple touch.

Mu Qing found something that was never meant for him.

,,I never knew you were sick."

,,I'm not sick. I was sick!"

Hua Cheng smiled playfully at Mu Qing.

,,Are you mourning for me now?"

,,Why didn't you tell me you had a heart condition?!" Mu Qing asked softly.

His eyes were red from crying so much. His hands were shaking. He was with Hua Cheng for the first time. He didn't know what awaited him. But finding those documents by accident... That was too much.

,,Yes, I had heart disease once, but that's all over. Qing-er I'm fine..."

But Mu Qing could not believe these words.

,,That's what my mother said too..."

,,I know...I know what caused your mother to die and how she died...but I would never lie to you...really..." Hua Cheng lifted Mu Qing's chin.

,,Look at me...do I look sick to you?"

Mu Qing looked at Hua Cheng. No...he really isn't sick or dying. Those documents... scared him anyway... what if they did?

,,You had it a year ago. Exactly two days before we met... Then you became..."

Hua Cheng blinked and then chuckled.

,,Yes... the day we met... I knew about this disease. But don't worry... it's harmless..."

,,Then why do you say you're cured?!"

,,Because they don't have any problems."

Mu Qing couldn't believe it. He didn't want it.

Hua Cheng knew what Mu Qing was thinking and took his hand.

,,Come with me... I'll show you something..."

Mu Qing reluctantly allowed himself to be dragged along. He was put on the motorcycle and they drove off. Mu Qing didn't know where to go, nor could he say what Hua Cheng was up to.

When they arrived, they came to a hospital that Mu Qing had never seen before.

,,What..."

,,Your wish."

Mu Qing's eyes widened.

,,Back then you wanted a hospital specializing in neurology so that everyone could come here. Nobody has to pay anything. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten your wish."

With those words, he took Mu Qing's hand and led him inside. Mu Qing could hardly get a word out.

,,Did you really..."

,,Yes, I have. I will fulfill every wish in this world for you. As long as I'm there, you'll get everything. Even if I'm not there, your wishes will be granted."

Mu Qing looked at him.

,,Even if I wish you'd never leave me again?"

Hua Cheng smiled.

,,If that is your wish, then so be it."

But Mu Qing felt insecure for the first time. It felt like that smile couldn't keep its promise this time.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

So more months passed. Mu Qing realized much too late that Hua Cheng wasn't as healthy as he thought.

Hua Cheng collapsed.

They were in the Netherlands and then Hua Cheng collapsed. In the middle of the day without any symptoms and without any sign.

Mu Qing couldn't remember everything.

But what he did know was that he hated hospitals.

Not only because he sat here several times, but because he hated helplessness.

Eternal waiting for a message.

But instead of good, it brought cruel.

,,You are Mr. Mu?" a doctor asked briefly as Mu Qing jumped up and nodded.

,,How is San Lang??"

The doctor looked at him briefly.

,,Is there anything specific you and Mr. Hua wanted to do?"

Mu Qing was puzzled by the question.

,,What do you mean..?"

The doctor said nothing.

,,Mr. Hua... won't live much longer. I'm amazed that he hasn't shown or shown any symptoms to you up until now. All I can say is that if things go well, he only has two weeks to live."

Mu Qing felt his world fall apart again. First his mother who lost one day after the other... and now... he lost the second person who was everything to him.

His will to live.

His reason to laugh.

his obsession.

Everything was Hua Cheng.

But now he should also leave him soon?

Mu Qing didn't know what happened after that.

But only knew that he later found himself in Hua Cheng's arms. Crying and holding onto him. He never wants to lose anyone again. Why did fate want to hate him?

Hua Cheng stroked his hair.

,,Don't cry... I'm here..."

Mu Qing could hardly get a word out.

,,I need you here with me..."

---------------------------------------------------------

Every story has an end

We were meant for each other

We were one together

But everything comes to an end

I wish you were my end

But instead I was your end and my story goes on

------------------------------------------------------------

During the two weeks, Mu Qing did not spend a second at home. He was with Hua Cheng every single second. He clung to him and grabbed hold of him.

Hua Cheng looked so sick and weak for the first time. How come Mu Qing never noticed?

How come he never noticed how Hua Cheng really suffered?

He was so blinded by the dream of feeling alive again that he forgot about Hua Cheng.

That he forgot that there were other people who suffered more than he did. He wanted to curse himself. He wanted to tear himself to pieces.

Xie Lian and Feng Xin tried to comfort him, but nothing worked. No one could heal a broken heart that couldn't be healed.

The two weeks were Mu Qing's greatest pain.

,,You lied to me San Lang..."

,,With what?"

,,Not only do you have a heart condition...you have the same neurological disease that my mother died of..."

Hua Cheng said nothing.

,,Do you remember the boy your mother saved?"

Mu Qing looked up and gave Hua Cheng a confused look.

,,Yes?"

,,The boy... dressed in dirty red clothes... impoverished and could barely speak properly... was beaten and bullied. Short of starvation. But met a good-hearted person who had a son. The boy has never met such a beautiful boy in his life... in a blue blouse and black pants. Eyes as bright as the starry sky..."

Mu Qing finally realized what Hua Cheng was trying to tell him.

,,You were Hong-er... is that why you wanted to save?"

Hua Cheng smiled sadly, yet full of love.

,,More than that... you've always been my obsession. I've thought so many times when I've had enough. When I finally got to see you I went to get better. I went so as not to be a burden to you anymore. I thought of you so often... so often... I never wanted to tell you that... but now I have nothing to lose..."

Mu Qing felt daggers rammed into his stomach.

,,San Lang..."

,,Hm?"

Mu Qing's eyes watered.

,,Fulfill my last wish..."

,,Every wish in the world Qing-er"

Mu Qing cried and kissed Hua Cheng and expressed his last and most important wish.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Xie Lian dropped the remote control and looked at the TV in shock.

"Two young men died in a motorcycle accident. It is still being determined how the accident happened."

Xie Lian barely listened. He recognized the motorcycle. The motorcycle belonged to Hua Cheng. He knew immediately what had happened. It wasn't an accident. But suicide.

double suicide.

"I can't believe it... Mu Qing... he...!"

Feng Xin collapsed on the sofa and could hardly speak. Xie Lian tried not to cry. He knew that Mu Qing had chosen this path.

He had hoped for so long that Mu Qing could be cured. That he could be happy again after the death of his mother. Luck tried to find Mu Qing in Hua Cheng.

And now... Hua Cheng passed away and Mu Qing succeeded him.

The tears that rolled down Xie Lian's cheeks seemed endless.

In the end there was nothing he could do. He could neither save Mu Qing nor do anything. Even if they had known that Mu Qing had gone with Hua Cheng, no one could have stopped him.

He chose the path and took the hand that saved him. So this hand will be his death sentence.

No one could save Mu Qing.

He never wanted to be saved.

He forced a smile.

,,Goodbye Mu Qing...."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes you think you've lost everything

Sometimes you won't find a way out

But sometimes you find your light again

And run after

never let it go again

You will follow this light everywhere

your hope

Your luck

your will to live