A/N: The song linked above [Be My Mistake by The 1975] embodies almost 98% of this chapter as you get a glimpse inside of Yasir's bewildered, yet clear thoughts. This song was also the inspiration for this whole story, too!

Also, it mentions some triggering, self-harm language for a line or two! Please read at your own risk, if you're sensitive to such material, thank you! ❤️

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- Yasir's POV -

"God, that trip to Turkey really cleared up my head." I say as I lean back on the chair.

It's been about two weeks since Noor and I have come back from our mini getaway.

"I'm sure it did. Noor can be a ball of sunshine if she wants to be." Lateef says, not looking up from the contract he's reading over.

"Or a murderous machine." I add.

"That too." Lateef chuckles.

"You liked her, didn't you?" I suddenly bring up. "Did I ruin your chances of being with her?"

I'm not stupid... I would see the way Lateef would look at Noor sometimes. But in my defence, he would always tell me whenever he started to fancy a girl... he never said anything about Noor.

My question starts making him choke. "W-why would you think that?"

I shrug my shoulders. "No real reason."

"No, don't be stupid. She's great but I didn't see her as more than a friend." His answer doesn't sound convincing but I let it slide.

There's no point of bringing it up now, Noor can't be his anyways.

"So, did you two get along?" Lateef asks about the trip as he takes a sip of his water.

"I almost had sex with her." I answer nonchalantly.

He spits out his water all over the floor.

"Lateef! You almost ruined all the fucking documents!" I yell.

"You can't tell me shit like this so casually. Fuck, that took me by surprise." He says as he quickly grabs paper towels to clean up the water. "I guess I should stop worrying about you two, then."

"No, I think you should keep worrying. Just in case." I stare out the large floor to ceiling windows in my office, getting lost in the memories I have recently created.

They all include Noor, her laugh, her smiles, her frowns, her jokes and her kisses. Nadira hasn't been talking to me like she used to and because of that, I somehow always end up at Noor's.

She welcomes me in without a word, she knows exactly when I'm upset and sometimes, how to make me upset. I shouldn't... I shouldn't call her whenever I need her. I shouldn't use her the way I do but I can't help it.

She fills up the emptiness that's harbouring within me. See, since Nadira married Shahid, the emptiness has always been there.

I've tried to feel when I graze the blade across my skin, the blood escapes but my emptiness still cling on. I didn't feel anything. I've tried to feel when I stop breathing. I tried to feel something but there's nothing.

I've become more and more better at hiding it, masking it using simple emotions such as being more stoic or cold.

My very presence puts people off and no one asks questions. My sheer emptiness started to reflect my life... my closet is empty, my cupboards, my fridge, my drawers. I stopped caring and stopped feeling.

I have reoccurring nightmares that fill that void, those nightmares give me something to feel. Nadira leaving, her ultimately choosing Shahid over me. What will I do? I'm so fucking scared of it, but I need it. I need to feel something.

That's when Noor entered my life. The perfect time. And I did everything I could to ignore her magnetic pull until I couldn't. She was everything Nadira didn't show me in a while; she's kind, lively, and caring.

My twisted ideas started to take over until we reached to where we are today. I use her whenever I please, I touch her whenever I please, I kiss her whenever I please, I let her provide me with the attention I want whenever I please.

But only when I please.

I tend to push her away when she needs the same from me because incapable of caring intimately for anyone except Nadira or that's what I make myself believe.

Noor has started to make me doubt that recently though... but I still believe that I'm incapable.

The trip to Turkey was made from the deepest end of feeling alone. I'd do anything to have Noor hold me when Nadira wouldn't.

That night... when I almost slept with Noor would've been a mistake. That would've broke her if she found out the reason for it; that she's just a temporary replacement for Nadira.

Nadira is always there when I'm with Noor, not necessarily physically.

When she tells me she loves my jacket, it's from Nadira.

When she tells me she loves the smell of my cologne, it's Nadira's favourite scent.

When she asks me why I visit the park so much, it was Nadira and I's favourite spot.

I'm selfish—I'm selfish for using up the affection that Noor gives me but she numbs the pain that's always present in my chest.

When I call her, she's instantly at my side. But when she calls... I ignore her because I can't help how I feel, because I'm an asshole.

I hold her and kiss her, pretending that it's Nadira. Her scent reminds me of Nadira's. The way she holds me reminds me of the way Nadira used to before Shahid ruined us. The way she's so spirited reminds me of Nadira.

But, they're also nothing alike. They're on opposite ends of the scale. Noor is much more spontaneous, she'll always put others above her instantly; hell, she'll probably give you a kidney, if you ask nicely. The poor girl wears her heart on her sleeve. Nadira is calmer, much more analytic, and much more considerate of situations. She's also more guarded and aware.

But somehow... Noor's able to fill that void with no problem. Something tells me she knows what she's doing, she knows I'll hurt her yet she keeps going.

I don't mean to—I don't mean to hurt Noor but I can't help but get drunk on the affection she gives me, it's almost addictive.

But my heart can't part ways with Nadira. She's always the one on my mind. Always causing me pain but providing me with relief. She keeps hurting me over and over again, and I keep taking it, saying it's okay.

Noor is the mistake I shouldn't have made. But considering everything, she's my favourite mistake. It's a dick-move to say this but I wouldn't have wanted it to be with anyone else.

I should've asked her, I should've educated her on the situation she was getting herself in but what would I have said? Noor, do you want to be my mistake? My favourite mistake?

I'd do anything to free myself from this dreadful and atrocious feeling. I'll never be able to wash off the guilt that I hold for what I'm doing to Noor but again, I'm selfish. I need her to live, I need her to numb the dangerous thoughts lurking in my mind.

But what if I'm pushing away the emotions... what if Noor happens to be someone who's healing me, instead of only providing me with temporary relief?

But all I know is that Noor's filling the dark void in my heart that has taken over every inch of me and I can't let her go, not unless Nadira comes back.

Noor will hate me, once she realizes. She'll despise every bone in my body, she'll think of me as the poison someone mixed into her life. She'll break, she'll shatter into pieces that I hope she can mend one day. Finally, she'll let go of me. She'll think of me as her biggest mistake, she'll regret ever giving me a second look, she'll regret ever crossing paths with me.

And it will be everything I deserve and more because I chose to be inconsiderate, I chose to be uncaring and insensitive. Come to think of it, it may very well ruin me too and that's when I'll come to an end.

Again, I think, Noor's my mistake.

My favourite mistake.

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- A/N -

• I thought you should get a glimpse of what he's thinking! I created the core of this story based on Yasir's character idea + the song!

• I do be hating on Yasir just about now but I also feel sort of bad for him? I'm literally writing this man's character and I feel so much pity. It's almost as if Nadira broke his very being that he's unable to comprehend Noor's emotions.

• Some of those feelings of holding onto toxic relationships usually come from the perspective of the female lead but this story, I wanted it to be mostly through the male lead!

Next Update: Friday and Saturday, Insha'Allah!

Please vote and comment and let me know how y'all feel!!