All the trigger warnings I'm to done to write them out and also not edited

    (Michael's POV)

    Failure

    It was a word the stung, yet it lived in my head repeating over and over. I whispered it sometimes cuss it got to loud in my head.

     I'm going to my psychiatrist for the frist time tomorrow. Thing is Jeremy went to one and they asked if hes had any recent suicidal thoughts and when he said yes, they put him in the children's hospital psychic ward for 3 days.

    So I don't know if I should lie or not.

    Rich, my boyfriend, is telling me to. Hes saying he won't be able to go three days without me. I think he'll be fine but honestly I'm scared he might get hurt while I'm gone and now I'm scared this, right here, the arguing is gonna lead to a fight.

    I don't know what to do so I went to Mama for some "help."

   "Hey Mama?" I asked

   "Yes Mahal?" She replied.

    "Should I lie to my therapist?" I asked.

    That was a fun conversation.

    It ended in her yelling at me when I told her I did wanna die.

   So now I sot in my chair trying to decide what to do. Rich is texting, I'm not replying. I'm not replying t anyone actully. I tried to text Jake. Hes like my emotional support, though hes not mentally stable either hes just more so them Jeremy, Rich, or Brook.

    To make it worse I wanna cut(even though I've been clean for over a mouth now I don't care u need it) but Rich took my sharpener witch was the only way I could. Jake hadn't replied... till he did.

JAKEY:D::Why?

     Thay name is JAKEY:D: but while I was making it realized that I could make a sad and happy face and solely to confuse the shitbout of myself I put other ":".

Lots of shit

Wanna talk about it?

No I'm down for a face time though.

Cant rn sorry

Oof

Ik

   I sighed tossing my phone down. Why do you go to Jake? He doesn't need this. And break up with Rich he doesn't need your shit. I groaned. I was fine earlier, happy, even. Me and Rich were flirting and smiling besides the small itch to cut I was fine.

   And then I got in the argument with Mama and it all went downhill. And now I'm almost crying... almost. I've gotten to a point I domt even cry my emotions are all so dull. Not just happiness, its sadness and discomfort, everything. Its muted.

    I looked down. I'm so done with everything. I rember I watched a ted talk about depression and the guy called suicide hotline and they were like "Do you want to due or are you tired of being un happy?" And last mouth I could say I was tired of feeling sad.

Now I just wanna die

    Catabolic seed by the scary jokes came on. I sighed.

   I make up charters and make them who I want to be. Most if them have the balls to actully help they're close ones. Like they know so they they're mouths shut. I wish I could do that actually smile amd lie but I can't.

   I can delay it but I can't stop myself.

    So as I sot there blasting music, deadpanning, I thought about how much happier Rich amd Jake and Jeremy amd Brook and my moms... just everyone would be if I just died....

Of only

    I went upstairs to gey dinner mildly hungry, and my mom was acting fine. She smiled at me, almost apologetically.... almost.

    As I got downstairs though I looked at the food. You don't deserve it. I pushed the bowl away. I haven't gotten to a "I'm starving" feeling in who knows how long. Like I said, most things muted so I can't get that hungry. I'll be fine.

   Break up with Rich. I knew I shouldn't. That's would kill Rich... for a couple months.

   I began considering. Picked up my phone thought about it. He wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. He would be sad about the break up go into a temporary dip, then come out of it and be happy little Richard again.

    And I mean, it would kill me. Make me around ten more times suicidal then I already am, and one less reason to live but Oh well. Rich is the one to fouse on.

   I had the words typed out on my phone. Before I could send it though-

    "THAT HEART IS SO COLD, ALL OVER MY OWN I DON'T WANNA KBOW THAT-"

     "Hello?" I asked seeing Jake's face pop up on my screen.

     "Sup." Jake replied. "Wanna explain why Rich just called crying?" Jake asked. I bit my lip.

     "Didn't he tell you why?" I asked. Jake chuckled.

    "I tried to get him to spill it man! He just wouldn't listen, he said I should call you and find out for myself." Jake argued.

   "Well......" I explained it all to Jake everything that's happened. He seemed to understand, like always. I feel like I'm depressing him though.

   You definitely are. Tell him you dont want to be friends anyone. As a matter of fact do the same with your other friends and then break up with Rich.

    "Michael?" Jake asked.

     "Hmm?" I hummed.

     "You good?"

      "Yeah."

    I was up all night thinking about the voice.

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