"Jeremy, I'm gonna ask you a stupid question."

"Shoot." Jeremy said, not bothering to pause the video game they were playing.

"Okay, so... do vampires turn you on?"

"Yes. Very much so. Wait, why is that a stupid question?"

"Because everything turns you on. I feel like you don't even have a turn off."

Jeremy hummed, thinking. "People who think feet are like, sexy. That's my turn off."

"Oh, shit, well, guess I better leave."

"Michael Mell I will tell your moms on you."

"And I'll just tell them that you're a kinky fuck."

Jeremy chuckled. "Yeah, that's fair." He stopped talking for a moment, and Michael thought he succeeded. "Wait, why did you want to know about vampires?"

Michael bit his lip, not looking at Jeremy. "Uh, just wondering?"

"Dude, babe, bro. Were you reading fan fiction again? I told you dude, don't even mess with that stuff."

Michael gave a nervous laughed, but Jeremy didn't notice. "Mayhaps."

———

"He's on to me. He's totally on to me."

"Michael Michelangelo Mell, baby, calm the fuck down. He is not onto you. He didn't know you liked him for like, seven years. Also, he's a boy. Boys are idiots. No offense, baby."

"None taken momma." Michael sighed, curling into himself.

"First of all, I still can't believe I let you name him after a ninja turtle," she waited until her wife stuck out her tongue to continue. "But I agree with your momma, Michael. Jeremy won't and doesn't know. He couldn't know." She fiddled with her apron, trying to reassure Michael.

"Yeah, the only way he'd like, know, is if you actually bite his neck. Have you bitten his neck?"

Michael chuckled. "No momma. I haven't bitten his neck."

"Then you'll be fine!" Michaels Ina said happily. "Don't worry my love. He won't know. Now, do you want your pork blood on the side? With your coconut milk?"

"Uh, duh."