He listened to the soft breathing of his boyfriend, watching the rising and falling of his chest, eyes covered by lids and lashes, mouth slightly open and blankets wrapped around his form.

He eyed the ring on his lover's finger for no particular reason, a silver band with purple strands connecting to a green heart.

The perfect design for someone with brown hair and hazel eyes.

Bryce looked away, staring down at his position. His legs were against his chest, his arms wrapped around his shins, blankets discarded to the side and breathing even as he thought about his life in Georgia.

He often found himself doing this in the middle of the night, thinking about himself and his life, and sometimes his thoughts drove off into a darker, sadder part of him, which unfortunately meant him going into his little panic attacks that could last anywhere from 30 seconds to 30 minutes.

He didn't like to do it, but for some reason, he couldn't help himself from thinking. He said some reason, but really, he knew. He knew it was because of his trust issues, his anxiety.

The worst times were when he accidentally woke Ryan up, who would have to bring him back to him, away from the panic and worry that would leak into his system.

Currently, he was thinking about the time when Ryan had told him he was moving in.

No question, no sarcasm, just "I'm moving in, Bryce."

Of course, it wasn't like they hadn't talked about it before hand, it just surprised Bryce to hear Ryan really say it, with boxes and a dog at his door.

They had talked about him moving in, mostly because they wanted a life together, and Bryce didn't do well away from where he considered home. It had been hard enough moving out of his parents' house, the anxiety and panic that came during that time nearly pushed him over the edge.

So, Ryan told him he would gladly move into his house, because he didn't want anything happening to Bryce if the blonde decided to move.

Ryan was so sweet, so caring, so willingly to leave everything behind him, just as long as he had Bryce, and that day was when Bryce really knew he had fallen in love with him, the day he and Buddy decided on their new home.

Bryce smiled against his knees, eyes focused on the dark tv, a small bubble of laughter escaping his mouth when he thought about Buddy and Ellie's first meeting.

Ellie had been terrified, hiding in Bryce's dresser as Buddy climbed onto the bed, laying down, completely still. He hadn't even batted an eye at the cat, just made himself comfy while Ellie stared, confused as to why the animal was on her owner's bed, and why Bryce was allowing such a crime.

Nonetheless, Ellie warmed up to the dog quickly, and the two often slept together on the bed, like how they were now, staring up at Bryce in double confusion.

The blonde smiled at the innocent memory, but it was soon replaced with an uneasy feeling and a pair of lips in a thin line, and he couldn't help it as the panicked thoughts came through.

What if when Buddy was no longer with them, Ryan left out of pain?

What if Ryan left regardless?

What if Bryce woke up tomorrow and Ryan was gone, forever?

He inhaled deeply, exhaling slowly and swallowing the lump in his throat, hands trembling, eyes watering.

He knew these thoughts were stupid, unreasonable. There was no way Ryan would leave him so abruptly or over the death of his pet, but Bryce, for some reason, believed the totally unreasonable thoughts.

Maybe it was because he constantly had a bad feeling that Ryan would leave, one way or another.

"Stop that, Bryce. You know he won't leave you." He chastised himself, but quickly shut up when Ryan fidgeted in his slumber, holding his breath and pulling his legs even further to his body.

When he didn't awaken, Bryce sighed in relief, looking down at the blankets piled on his form, breath hitching in his throat.

What if those blankets lost their warmth due to a lack of body heat under them?

What if Ryan's side of the bed went empty?

What if he left with the blankets and Bryce's heart?

Bryce rubbed his palm over his face, looking over to the dresser and staring at the clock, noticing the time.

4:12 AM.

He needed to sleep.

But how could he sleep when he had to keep questioning his love? Keep thinking about abandonment? Keep trying to believe in the reliable words?

He couldn't. So he did the next best thing.

He sat up completely, slipping off the side of the bed quietly, staring at the bathroom across from him.

The same bathroom he had cried in last week, after a panic attack tore at him and ate him whole, consuming his happiness and replacing it with fear and paranoia.

He was planning on going in said bathroom, but he found his knees giving out and his body sliding down to the floor, where he sat cross legged, completely unaware of the tears pricking at his eyes.

He let his eyes wander to the wooden floor beneath him, bare feet losing their warmth as they pressed into the dark brown, causing him to shiver.

Fake scenarios ran through his head, ones that could only be described as terrifyingly believable. To him, at least. Anyone else who saw them would brush them off as meaningless sleep deprived thoughts, which they were, but Bryce took them to heart.

Ryan rejecting him.

Ryan yelling at him.

Ryan losing interest in him.

Ryan leaving him.

He sniffled, unable to stop the slight shaking of his body and the waking up of his lover.

He heard the familiar sound of Ryan yawning, accompanied by a sigh and worried inhale, and he instantly knew he was a goner.

"Bryce?" The voice asked, worry lacing his tone, "Bryce, where are you, baby?"

Bryce squeezed his eyes shut, heart aching at the sound of his concerned boyfriend, but he couldn't answer, he was too busy trying not to cry.

It wasn't until he heard the soft "oh no, not again" that he looked behind him, up at Ryan, eyes tired, mind wandering.

At that point, he just let his shoulders sag and his head droop at the thought of Ryan leaving him for good.

He heard the soft rustling of sheets and blankets moving, and the sound of weight removing itself from the bed, springs creaking and headboard moving slightly.

The body that leaned against his with a head on his shoulder didn't make it any easier, it just made it more painful to think about.

He didn't dare look at Ryan. Not when the skepticism and fear was so evident on his face, out there for anyone to see.

Not when his hands were shaking and his voice was raspy with doubt, unable to control his emotions.

And when a single hand joined his, a tear escaped Bryce's eye, fingers clenching and unclenching around the
warm hand, letting himself fall into Ryan's arms, head against his chest, tears soaking the nightshirt he wore.

But Ryan couldn't care less, he just wanted Bryce to come out of the distress he was currently in.

He knew that during these panic attacks, all he could do was hold the blonde until he was okay, but it didn't stop him from feeling so helpless, useless even.

He felt the tears hit his skin from the amount of crying, but he ignored it, rubbing Bryce's back and breathing in the taller male's scent, feeling his worry melt away just a bit as he smelled the familiar scent of pine trees and cologne, the smell that could only be described as Bryce.

He heard a small whimper escape the younger male, and his heart clenched, feeling Bryce's hands tighten on his shirt by his back.

"It's alright, Bryce. You're okay, I promise you're okay."

The tears flowed steadily now, small words escaping Bryce's throat in short sentences that left Ryan clenching his jaw in concern.

"You'll leave.....please don't leave.....I won't be okay.....I can't stand being alone....."

It had been happening more and more now, the same phrases came every few days from Bryce, like he couldn't fully accept that Ryan was here and whole.

Like he knew something was going to happen that would tear Ryan away from him. Whether it was with the older's consent or not.

But Ryan had no intention on abandoning the male, he couldn't.

"I'm not leaving, Brycey. I'm here."

And every time this happened, Ryan had to sit with him, hold him until the tears stopped and the words turned positive.

"I'm scared.....don't go..."

At this point, Ryan was worried that someday the tears wouldn't stop and the words would stay negative.

"I'm staying right here, baby."

But he always pushed that to the back of his mind, focusing on keeping Bryce sane.

He sat there, with Bryce in his arms, staying quiet while sobs wracked the male's frame, and tears soaked a shirt.

He could only imagine what was going through Bryce's head right now. What horrible scenarios he was thinking up, and what his thoughts were telling him.

Ryan himself had some similar thoughts to Bryce, at least that he could tell.

He could see that they were abandonment thoughts of him leaving, from the cries of "don't leave" and "please stay" that often came from his mouth.

And Ryan would admit, he often thought of Bryce leaving.

Bryce didn't know it, but one of the main reasons for him moving in, other than the fact that it was better for Bryce, was to ensure that the blonde wouldn't get tired of long distance and decide to cut Ryan off.

He had his own trust issues, stemming from problems with people as a child, mostly his family, and he didn't want to go through that again.

There had been a few nights where he had been the one crying, but Bryce had only caught him once, and that was only because he kicked the wall downstairs and woke up the blue eyed male.

Ryan flinched at the memory. That had been the night Bryce learned about his past, what he did, and a small part of Ryan was bothered by the fact that he allowed himself to be so vulnerable to another person. But he was mostly relieved to have had spoken about it and let out his emotions.

And he couldn't really complain, not when Bryce's presence alone had slowed his thoughts and cleared his mind.

Ryan noticed the sniffling and whimpering had stopped, and Bryce's hands had stilled on his back, which was a sign that the attack was coming to an end.

He waited for Bryce to look at him, and when he did, he didn't expect the blue eyed male to speak the words.

"Why haven't you left yet?"

Ryan's eyes widened at the question in the air before him, and he swallowed harshly, reaching a hand down and brushing a strand of messy hair away from Bryce's face, heart aching at the question.

"Why haven't you left yet, Ryan? I.....all I do is make things harder..."

Ryan shook his head, kissing Bryce's forehead and holding him close, speaking on his skin, sending shivers through Bryce's body.

"Because I love you too much to let you suffer, Brycey. You don't make things harder. You're my Bryce and I wouldn't forgive myself if I left you alone, not when I love you so much that it hurts to see you like this."

Bryce wiped his eyes on his long sleeve shirt, still holding on to Ryan tightly, biting his lip and staring over Ryan's shoulder while exhaling.

"I'm afraid you'll leave me someday."

He whispered it, barely audible, but Ryan heard, and he understood completely, because he thought the exact same thing.

He couldn't stop the small tear from betraying his mind and slipping down the side of his face as he realized how fucked up he really was, how insecure him and Bryce both were.

But they needed each other, and he'd be damned if he didn't try to keep Bryce from crying like this.

"It's okay to be afraid, Bryce. I-" he swallowed the lump in his throat, holding Bryce just a little bit tighter as the words left his mouth, "I am, too."

Bryce's eyes widened slightly at this, but he came to realize that it made sense.

When he found Ryan on the living room floor that night, Ryan spilled his thoughts on him, and Bryce learned all about his mistakes and regrets, his insecurity.

So, it made sense for him to be just as scared as he was.

He swallowed harshly, eyes connecting with Ryan's and breath hitching at the hazel staring back at him.

"Of doing something to lose me?"

He saw Ryan nod, and he exhaled slowly, fingers digging into the older's skin as he continued speaking.

"Maybe......maybe we can be afraid together?"

Ryan smiled sadly at this, kissing the top of Bryce's head and rubbing circles onto his back, to calm the blonde and himself.

"I'd rather us not be afraid at all, really."

Bryce smiled, looking down, thinking, voice raising a little bit as he came up with an idea.

"How about we promise something to each other so we're not so afraid anymore?"

Ryan raised a brow, but nodded, letting Bryce out of his hold as the blonde sat up, suddenly taller than the brunette.

Bryce held out his pinky finger, and Ryan laughed at the childish gesture, but let the blue eyed beauty speak.

"Promise you won't leave me?"

Ryan hooked his pinky finger with Bryce's, staring up at him and speaking quietly as his heart swelled with a promise he intended on keeping.

"Promise. You're stuck with me, baby."

Bryce took in a shaky breath, the panic starting to seep out of his body as Ryan's thumb ran over his knuckles mindlessly.

"Even if the attacks are constant?"

Ryan reached up and kissed his nose, pulling his hand away to readjust himself on the floor, to a more comfortable position.

"That gives me even more of a reason to stay."

Bryce nodded, laying himself down in Ryan's lap, letting Ryan play with his hair, a gesture that was used to calm him down and distract him from the outside world.

He felt the panic ebbing away completely, replaced by a feeling of serenity and warmth that he only felt when Ryan was around.

He sighed, yawning and looking up as the older male spoke, voice a little quieter than usual.

"Promise not to leave me?"

The blonde smiled, legs intertwined with Ryan's own, the warmth spreading through him.

He brought Ryan's head down to his own, planting a small kiss on his lips, tears long gone, sent away with his panic that Ryan had helped get rid of.

"I promise."

He let Ryan pull himself away, and the two of them sat there, panic and shakiness fading the longer they stayed like that, Bryce's promise meaning everything to Ryan and vice versa.

Little did he know, their promises would be broken.

Cut in half as life came a halt, no choice or decision enough to stop the inevitable end.

And he would be left with an "I told you so" from the demons of his mind, the dark abyss, where thoughts ran rampant and he would spend most of his days, wishing for a do over.

Their promises would be broken.

Destroyed by a scream and a gun, leading to more tears and a mahogany casket.

The perfect size for someone with brown hair and hazel eyes.