XLIII. Only You Define You
It was nearing 8:30 P.M. Most of the passengers on the plane were taking the rest of the night to relax, but Connie wasn't one of them, despite orders she had been given to rest. Connie's only priority at the moment was finding Jemma and apologizing for everything she had said to her earlier. Her anger had driven her actions and her words, and at the time Connie was still trying to process everything that was happening to her. She felt guilty about the way she had snapped at Jemma for saving, and she felt guilty about making her upset. Now that Connie had processed everything to some extent and accepted it, she was ready to make things right with Jemma.
Connie padded quietly across the carpeted floor of the plane as she made her way toward the stairs. She would never be able to get over just how enormous the plane truly was, nor would she be able to get over just how luxurious it really was. She knew better than anyone that Nick had this plane constructed for Phil, and she couldn't help but wish Nick loved her as much as he loved Phil. Having her own plane would be a dream come true for Connie, but as of the moment, it was a bit far-fetched.
The sound of footsteps could be heard on the stairs, and Connie looked over to find Skye working her way down them. The moment Skye saw Connie, she smiled, a gesture in which Connie was quick to return. She hadn't seen or talked to Skye all day, so if felt nice to finally have the opportunity to do just that.
"Hey," Skye greeted her happily. "I was just coming to check up on you."
"Thanks, I appreciate that," Connie replied. She moved to sit down on the couch and Skye sat down beside her.
"So, how are you feeling? How are you?" Skye asked her. She was more than aware of what Jemma had given her earlier to make her heal so quickly, but she had been so busy handling other matters that she wasn't aware of anything else that had happened. Skye worried, though, that Connie would be forced to suffer the same side effects that Phil had, but because no one but Jemma knew what was really going on with Connie, Skye was forced to continue worrying alongside everyone else.
Connie shrugged and began to play with her hands, a habit she had picked up within the last few hours since she'd woken up. "I'm still struggling a bit to come to terms with everything, but I think after everything calms down I'll be okay again. . .hopefully."
Skye cocked a brow, unsure of what exactly she was referring to. "Come to terms with what, Connie?"
"They didn't tell you?"
"Tell me what?" Skye asked curiously. "I've been with Phil all day working on a bunch of S.H.I.E.L.D. stuff. What's going on?"
Connie let out a sigh and ran a hand through her hair. "Well, the stuff that Jemma injected me with sort of removed any trace of the super-soldier serum from my body; my DNA is as normal as can be and my blood is clean."
"Oh my god, doesn't that mean you're. . ." Skye trailed off as she grew wary about what to say next, but Connie knew exactly where she was going with her words, and she nodded as if to confirm that her words were true.
"It means that I am no longer a super-soldier," Connie said quietly with a frown on her face. It was still difficult for her to think that she no longer had her abilities, and it was difficult enough knowing that after the day was over, Connie would be forced to start all over again, or so it seemed. "Everything I am and everything I've been. . .stripped away by the touch of a single needle. Some people would look at me and laugh knowing why I was so upset, but those people wouldn't know that I feel as if I've lost who I am."
Skye shook her head quickly and placed a comforting hand on Connie's shoulder. "No, don't think like that, Connie. Sure, the serum might have helped you become the person you are today, but the serum itself does not define who you are as a person; you define who you are as a person. A solution in a bottle can't do that for you."
"I've been so dependent of my abilities for so long now," Connie said as she wiped away a stray tear. "They helped me save myself from the shackles of Hydra, and they helped me do so much and more.
"I remember being on a mission with Natasha a couple years ago. We were battling a group of mercenaries in a small German city, and we were pursuing them on a highway. They had no regards for anyone's life as they tried to escape, so as we chased them, we came to a bridge. An unsuspecting car took the full brunt force of the vehicle these mercenaries had been in and it started over the edge of the bridge. I tucked and rolled out of the car and ran over, using all of my strength to keep the car from plummeting into the water below the bridge. I saved an entire family that day, but now as I sit here and think about that day, I realize that had I not had my abilities, I wouldn't have been able to save them they way I did."
Skye could see just how tore up Connie truly was about the situation, but she had every right to be. That didn't mean Skye wasn't going to make an attempt at trying to make her feel better, however.
"You would've found a way," Skye told her. "Whatever would've happened, you would've found a way to save that family. Phil did not see you that day back in 2008 and take you in because of your abilities; Phil did not think about how skilled you were because of your abilities and decide to recruit you as a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent. He took you in because he thought you were worth taking in; he recruited you because he thought you were worth giving a second chance. Every time he talks about you, not once does he bring up your abilities, but instead he brings up how determined he thinks you are and how big of a heart he thinks you have, both of which have nothing to do with your abilities."
Skye sighed and clasped her hands together.
"Bucky and Steve don't love you because of your abilities," she continued. "Phil doesn't love you because of your abilities, and I don't think you're one of the coolest people ever because of your abilities. Everything that everyone feels for you has nothing to do with your abilities, but who you are as a person, Connie. Please trust me when I say that your abilities do not define you; only you define you."
Connie chuckled and wiped away her remaining tears. "That's sounds like the kind of advice I'd give to my younger sister if I had one."
"Well, y'know," Skye laughed.
"Thank you, Skye," Connie spoke graciously. "That really opened my eyes some."
"Not a problem. You can actually thank Phil and our late night heart-to-hearts for all of that advice," Skye teased her, though her expression grew serious. "But I know adjusting physically without your abilities in regards to combat is going to be hard, so if you do end up sticking around, you're more than welcome to work with me and Agent May. She's my supervising officer now that Ward is no longer around, so I'm sure she wouldn't mind having another student, per say."
Connie laughed and stood up from the couch. "I'm quite sure she would, but I might just have to take you up on that offer if I do stick around. She can help me regain my strength, agility, and stamina, and I'll help her teach you the art of combat."
"Sounds like a plan," Skye agreed with a nod of her head.
"I'm gonna go find Jemma so I can get in a quick apology before I head off to bed, so I'll see you tomorrow at the latest," Connie said to Skye as she started towards the stairs.
"She'll probably be in the common room with Fitz or something," Skye called out to her. "Good luck and goodnight."
Connie delivered a smile her way before heading up the stairs. She turned the corner to the common room, and sure enough, Jemma and Fitz were sitting together on the couch watching a science movie of some sort. Connie slowly made her way towards them, and the moment they took notice of her presence, they paused the movie. Fitz had a hunch as to why Connie had shown up, so he pursed his lips and quickly removed himself from the room. He would allow the two girls to work out their differences on their own.
A small smile appeared on Jemma's face and she patted the seat beside her. "Come have a seat, why don't you?"
Connie walked over to sit down beside Jemma, a sigh escaping her as she thought over what to say to her. She wasn't exactly used to dealing with such a thing. "Um, I don't really know what to say to you other than I'm sorry. Everything I said to you today, I didn't mean it, Jemma. I was angry and still trying to process everything happening at once, it just. . .I'm sorry."
"It's okay," Jemma chuckled.
"I want you to know that I really do appreciate what you did to help me, although it did take away my abilities," Connie breathed out nervously. "I shouldn't have snapped at you because of it and I'm sorry. You're great at what you do, and no one should make you feel otherwise, even me."
Jemma placed a hand onto Connie's knee. "I promise you that it's alright, Connie. I'm sorry for taking away your abilities, but I can promise you that was never my intention. My only intention was to keep you from dying."
"I know, and I appreciate it more than anything. I can learn to adjust without my abilities, no matter how difficult it may be," Connie replied.
"And we'll be here to help you do that, but at the moment you should be resting, Connie," Jemma practically scolded her, earning a laugh from the small brunette. "I have a lot of tests I need to do tomorrow to make sure everything is okay with you."
"Fine, fine. . .if it's really all that necessary."
Connie got up from the couch and began backing away from a very stern Jemma Simmons.
"It's very necessary, Agent Jones," Jemma retorted. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Goodnight, Jemma," Connie chuckled.
Jemma smiled at her. "Goodnight, Connie."
Connie left the common room seconds later and hurried back down the stairs in which she had come up. She strolled down the hallway and towards her makeshift bedroom, stopping only when she took notice of the figure leaning against her door. It was Bucky, that much she could make out, but what she couldn't understand was why he was waiting at her door. She thought he had gone to sleep, but it appeared as if whatever nap he had taken was now over.
"Hey." Connie greeted him with a warm smile and bright brown eyes.
Bucky smiled at her and pushed himself off the door, walking over to close the space between them. He wrapped her small body in a tight hug, though his hold was not as tight as it had been hours earlier. He buried his head into her neck, almost as if to savor her smell, and he let out a sigh.
Bucky hadn't planned on seeing her after everything that had happened earlier—he didn't think he could bear to look her in the eye knowing he had made a promise he couldn't keep—but Bucky needed to see her one last time before he took off. He wanted to remember her being happy; he wanted to remember the smile he had fallen in love with all over again, despite the fact that it would disappear when she woke up in the morning.
The last thing Bucky wanted to do was leave Connie, but he knew that in order to keep her safe it was a sacrifice that needed to be made. She had already made the sacrifice for him, so he believed it was only right by her that he disappeared for the sake of her safety.
Bucky wasn't only leaving Connie, though; he was leaving Steve as well, but the difference between Connie and Steve was that Steve knew of Bucky's intentions while Connie was left in the dark. The two also reacted to certain things in a certain way. Steve felt things differently than Connie did. He had an open mind about most things, while Connie allowed her feelings to dictate her reactions, which was what Bucky and Steve knew would happen if Bucky told her he was leaving, and so that was exactly what he wasn't going to do. Bucky loved Connie far too much to watch her break over him, and he loved her far too much to let her put herself in danger for him. . .again.
"I love you so much," Bucky muttered into her hair.
Connie smiled and hugged him back, her head resting soundly on his chest. "I love you, Bucky."
Bucky pulled away from her and raised his hands to her face, placing either one of them gently on her cheeks. He pressed his forehead to hers and closed his eyes, simply taking in the feeling of her warm skin pressed against his. He would miss this, and he would miss her, but his decision had been made, and it had been made because of her. "You're my entire life, Constance Mae. That is something I never want you to forget, okay?"
"Okay, Sergeant," Connie giggled.
Bucky smiled at the mere sound of it.
"Think you could keep me company for a few hours?" Connie asked him, brushing her lips gently against his.
Bucky hummed in content and moved his hands to her waist, pulling her as close as he possibly could. "I think I could work something out if you're up for it, doll."
Connie smiled and pulled him down to meet her lips. Their lips melded perfectly with each others, conforming together like puzzle pieces. Bucky held onto Connie as if she were his lifeline, and she was, but that line would be severed before the sun rose in the morning sky. The thought alone sent tears burning in his eyes, though he squeezed his eyes shut as tightly as he could to prevent them from falling.
Leaving Connie was something Bucky dreaded—something he absolutely despised. Because of Hydra, because of his past, he could not have the future he wanted with the woman he needed it with. It pained him more than he thought was possible, but tonight Bucky would not be focusing on his pain; he would be focusing on bringing the love of his life nothing but happiness, a happiness he only hoped would give him strength when he needed it the most.
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