Two years back

INDIA

Shubhra dragged her body towards the bathroom as the nature's call was now too unbearable and there was no company to take her to the washroom.

The bathroom floor was impeccable, not a speck of dust or stain besmirched it. The white plain tiles were shining in the yellow light of the bulb overhead. As she looked into the mirror with her tired , sleep deprived eyes, her eyes became wide in shock. It was a sheer contrast to the clean and perfect bathroom floor.

The woman standing in front of the mirror was not Shubhra.

She couldn't recognise the woman in the reflection. The Shubhra she knew was always prim and proper, not a strand of hair swayed out of her tight bun. Not a single pleat of saree was ever loosened from her pallu, and not a single stroke of kohl was out of alignment from her eyes.

But the woman in front of her looked as if she had just survived a hurricane. Hair dishevelled, lipstick smudged all around her mouth and streaks of kohl running down her cheeks making back trails. Her pallu was hanging loose on her shoulder, sweeping the ground. She couldn't remember when was the last time she saw herself in the mirror.

As she forwarded her hand to touch the mirror, the reflection started laughing loudly, startling her. It wasn't a normal laughter. The Shubhra in the mirror was laughing hysterically, so loudly and breathlessly, that tears spilled out of her eyes from sheer laughter.

Her laughter was loud and frightening, like the haunting laughter of an evil spirit.

Shubhra stumbled back in fear and fell on the floor scared for her life. As she raised her head, her heart came out in her throat as she saw her reflection sitting on the closed lid of the western toilet seat , smirking at her.

"Who-who are you?" Shubhra stuttered, dragging herself backwards but was stopped by the wall behind.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk...." Her reflection made a mocking pout and shook her head in fake sympathy. "You don't know me? I'm you. I'm Shubhra."

"No, I.... I'm Shubhra."

" Well, yes. We both are. But now I'm you specifically."

" I don't understand."

" See, the loving , caring and understanding is gone long back. Died, infact. Now there is only one Shubhra. The cold, emotionless, a zombie, as lifeless as a rag doll."

"No, no. I'm not."

" No? Then tell me where is your family? I can't see anyone in sight." Her reflection looked around mockingly. " Where is your beloved, Awni? Where is Batuk?"

"Aw-awni is in London. He-he has gone for study. And Ba-Batuk has gone to school."

" Have they gone just physically or emotionally too Shubhra? "

" Wh-what do you mean?" Shubhra looked away.

"You know very well by what do I mean, Shubhra?" She gripped her chin harshly making her look towards herself, making her wince.
"Why do you have to be so heartless? Why did you do that to Awni?"

"I ...I didn't. He ...he turned out like his father."

"Do you really believe that? DO YOU? TELL ME! DON'T YOUR HEART MISS HIM? DON'T YOUR CONSCIENCE DISDAIN YOU FOR YOUR CRUELTY?"

" He-he did wrong. Bondita didn't deserve it."

" Then why does she miss him like hell? Have you ever thought? Can't you see why her eyes hold the utter longing in them? Why her ears are always strained to the telephone and her eyes are always shifting glances between the door and the work at hand? Why? Have you ever missed your husband like that after that night? Have you ever thought that maybe nothing of that sort happened between them for which you are punishing him so harshly?"

"But... I ... saw Bondita in that condition and she looked afraid of him." Shubhra felt unsure now.

"Ask your heart , Shubhra. Leave everything. Just close your eyes and put your hand on your heart." Her reflection took her hand and put it on her heart. "Do you really think our Awni did this? Do you really think Awni could do this to Bondita? Do you really think he deserved to listen what you told him? Does he deserve to be called the result of his father's sins? Does he deserve to live in a foreign country away from his family knowing that he has no one's back? No one bothered to talk to him? No one , Shubhra. Literally no one. Can you forgive yourself if someday you are proved wrong? What if it's too late till then? What if he goes away forever from you? What if he doesn't forgive you ever for your mistrust? What if he doesn't consider you your mother like you disregard him as your son?"

"NO! NO! NO , HE CAN'T. HE CAN'T. HE CAN'T. HE CAN'T." Shubhra closed her ears with her hands and screamed hysterically crying and sobbing, but no voice came out. She stood up on wobbly legs and picked up a vase in sight and threw it on the mirror and pushed away the stuff kept on the sink making a clattering noise.

The door of the bathroom pushed open and Bondita came rushing to her. A terrified and scared Shubhra hugged her for her dear life and sobbed voicelessly.

Bondita's eyes mirrored hers as they flooded with tears seeing her mother in such miserable condition and the worst thing was that Shubhra couldn't even voice her worries.

Bondita wiped Shubhra's face with her pallu who was crying silently , unable to voice her agony.

Bondita remembered the day, just a few weeks after Anirudhh left, when a candle fell on Shubhra's bed and almost half of the bed got burnt. Shubhra unable to move out of her bed due to her illness, dragged her body till the floor and gasped for air but couldn't scream for help no matter how much she tried. Had it not been Batuk who came inside after discovering the smoke, coming out of her room, they might have lost her. That day, everyone realised that the muteness everyone was assuming to be due to Shubhra's sadness had become her disability.

Shubhra had lost her voice.

The doctors declared that it's because of her inner mental conflict which is expressing itself as a physical symptom. Once it gets resolved, she would get her voice back.

No matter how much everyone tried, Shubhra was unable to voice her thoughts. The presence of insight, the continuous thoughts running through her mind but with no one to listen to her mute thoughts dragged Shubhra in the deep pits of misery and depression. The battle with her conscience was a daily thing and the borderline guilt was gnawing her guts from inside making her soul hollow.

Shubhra's tight fearful grip on Bondita's hand pulled her out of her thoughts and she helped her come out of the bathroom. Shubhra's body was drenched in cold sweat, her breathing haggard and eyes red and swollen due to crying.

They didn't realise when did Bondita had taken the role of the mother and Shubhra that of the daughter in the past one year. She was her constant companion now but only physically. Because the gap of insight between them was too huge to be filled. Bondita's oblivious mind didn't know what went in Shubhra's restless and tortured mind and Shubhra's inability to voice out her thoughts kept the void between them as intact as before.

Bondita murmured soothing mothereses in Shubhra's ears as her worn out eyes drifted to sleep. Bondita kept patting her hair softly as her heart cried for her mother's condition.

Only Bondita knew what she had suffered in the last one year. Her letters were unanswered. Phone calls were a far fetched dream. It was like Anirudhh had completely disappeared from their lives. Only the empty shells of memories left with them. The only updates they got was from Binoy who told them monthly that he had sent money to him and that he had talked to him via telephone. Binoy was the moon of Eid in the household. He would come in mornings once in a while and left by evening. Trilochan has stopped bothering him for his whereabouts. Irked by the lack of funds and financial help from Trilochan had made him butter towards everyone, especially Shubhra whose muteness was nothing but another hurdle in between him and his motives.

Bondita's heart filled with frustration and jealousy as she felt that Anirudhh didn't bother to call her or inform her anything even via letters. What does it take to write a simple letter and post it or just do a small phone call? Was he that busy?

Had he forgotten them? Even his mother? Did he remember he has a family here? Did he bother how much Batuk and his Kaka missed him and waited for any news regarding him?

But was there any use of this mental scolding because he was probably enjoying his days among his new friends?

Bondita pushed away the bitter feeling and said her daily silent prayers to God to make everything well as before.

The ringing of a cycle bell caught her attention and she almost jumped out of the bed but Shubhra's head on her lap stopped her from running out. The bell was ringing continuously and then came the melodious calls of the postman.

"Chitthi! Chitthi! London se chitthi! Zamindar babu! Badi Malkin! Chhoti Malkin! Chitthi chitthi! Chhote Malik ki chitthi!" The postman found it strange that even after so many calls, nobody came outside. Usually the ringing of the bell was enough to drag the Chhoti Malkin out of the house, from any task she was doing.

" Daakiya kaka! Give me the letter." His attention was caught by Batuk who came from behind riding his bicycle huffing and gasping for air. He might have heard the bell ring from afar and came running.

" But chhoti Malkin....." The postman looked towards the haweli in the hope of seeing the bright smile of the chhoti malkin he had expected for so many months. But now when it was finally the day, she was nowhere in sight.

"Are you denying me? The zamindar?" Batuk glared at the postman and opened his palm in front of him and flexed his fingers fast, gesturing him to put the letter in his hand.

"NO WAIT. IT'S MY LETTER." The postman's face lit with delight as he saw Bondita coming running towards him, a big ear to ear grin smile etched on her face. Without any care in the world, her pallu was flying in the air only tucked at her shoulder for its dear life and her short legs were running too fast for their own health.

As soon as the postman turned towards her to give her the letter in her outstretched hand , Batuk grabbed it and ran into the haweli, making Bondita cry in anger and irritation and she bee-lined towards him. The postman laughed at their childish behaviour and turned his bicycle with a content smile on his own face.

" Batuk! Give it to me or there won't be any person other than me." Bondita threatened as she ran behind Batuk grabbing her saree and lifting it a bit higher to facilitate her running.

" There is no person worse than you anyways, Boudi. Catch me if you can." Batuk ran around the pillars and behind the tables waving the letter in his hand teasing her and laughing.

After a long chase when Batuk didn't give her the letter, Bondita threatened, blackmailed, begged for it but in vain.

When Batuk was unrelenting, Bondita sat on the floor hopelessly and a desperate cry broke out of her lips. Batuk got shocked. He was just joking and was about to give in her threats but didn't expect such full blown crying session. He stopped in his tracks and slowly walked towards her. Till now, Bondita had covered her face with her hands and had started crying loudly.

" Boudi! Boudi! What happened?" His face showed concern. It was unusual of her to cry at his pranks. She always came back after him with worse pranks. But crying was rare.

Even when Batuk was standing just near her, she didn't stand up to snatch the letter, just kept crying. Batuk sat beside her put his hand on her shoulder and shook her. "Boudi!" Before he could say anything, he was pulled up in standing position by his ear by Trilochan who was twisting it.

Batuk cried out in pain.
" Aaah! Aah! Kaka! What are you doing? Will you pull out my ear from my body?" He kept his hand near his ear.

" I will, if you make my Bahu cry ever. Is one brother less for her tears, that now you are adding to her misery?".

" Sorry kaka, I was just joking." He winced as Trilochan twisted his ear again.

By now Bondita's tears had stopped and she looked at them blankly.
Trilochan took the letter from Batuk's hand and put it in Bondita's.

Bondita looked at the letter as if she couldn't believe it was really in her hand and a watery smile spread on her face.

" Tell me, will you make her cry again?"

"No kaka, never." Batuk's face contorted in pain.

" Shotti?" Trilochan pinched the front of his neck and winked at Batuk to play along.

" Ekdom Shotti, kaka. Now please leave me or my ear would come out." He whined making Bondita laugh.
"See now she started laughing. Now leave me."

As Trilochan left his ear and put a tender hand on Bondita's head, she suddenly felt embarassed for crying over a letter. It wasn't like that Batuk wouldn't give her the letter ever but her desperation won over her sense of propriety and her emotions overwhelmed her.

Batuk held his ears softly as one was still red and throbbing. "Sorry Boudi. I didn't want to make you cry. It was cruel of me to snatch your letter."

Bondita shook her head and rubbed his ear softly.

" Now go and read your letter and do tell me if Dada has declared his undying love for you in it." He winked at her making her go red in shyness and she ran away from there hiding her face with her pallu while Trilochan smacked him at the back of his head , scolding him for his brazen words.

Bondita came on the terrace running. Her heart was thumping loudly against her chest out of excitement and nervousness. What he must have written in the letter? Did he write that he missed her? Did he mention that he would be coming soon? There was only one year left for her studies to complete and then she would be eligible to attend University.

Her hands were sweating with thrill at the idea of opening his letter. She pulled out her pin from her hair and broke the red wax seal of the letter before opening it with trembling hands.

Her breath caught in her hand, and her eyes watered again , but with happiness this time, as soon as she opened the letter and saw his handwriting. Fresh tears of joy came out of his and the words in front of her became blur. She hugged the letter to her heart and twirled again and again. The cold wind was soothing her hot cheeks and the wind was playing with her open tresses. She felt as if she was floating and the world disappeared around her.

She looked at the letter again and looked around to see if anyone was there. When the field was clear, she placed a soft, lingering kiss on the top of the letter and her cheeks turned crimson at the thought of kissing him in place of the letter. She bit her tongue and clenched her eyes at the shameless thought.

Wives don't kiss their husbands, only husbands do.

One of her married friends had told her and the thought of her kissing him filled her with thrill, excitement and an unsaid fear at the forbidden idea.

She looked for a solitary corner and sat on it hidden from the surroundings and opened the letter again and started reading it.

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