CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT:
THE BUBBLEGUMSWEETHUMBS

[previously on barking news:

"...why didn't you call home Raymond?"

"cause of your crazy dog and family."

"...houseboys not cowboys..."

"...fuck breakfast, just booze..."

hope that was enough to refresh your memory, I literally copy-pasted the last chapter what else do you want?!]

One thing Jason learned during his stay with Allison is that she can be a bad influence on Klaus. This was the second day they had alcohol before breakfast and it was Allison who initiated such a preposterous thing. Shame on you Allison.

After booze and alcohol, they finally -finally!- decided to suit up and go be reunited with the others and co.

After days of being apart from his cherrybubblegumsweetie, Jason could barely contain his excitement and skipped along with Klaus the whole time. Oh gosh, was his hair good? he ran a hand through his hair and checked his reflection on a passing window. Did he brush his teeth today? he breathed in his hand and ok he was good. What if his clothes were wrinkled? he has to be perfect when meeting his bugaboolovepumpkin after eons of being apart.

Allison rolled her eyes and directed them to where Luther had told her they were gathering and pushed the door open with a chuckle.

It was vacant. Not a single soul in sight.

"Hello? is anyone here?" Allison looked around and Klaus started saying stuff in french.

Figures started appearing on the platform above them and it was the motherfucking umbrella academy!!!!!

And right between them was his gubbyloveboodarling with his dreamy dreamy eyes. He swooned.

Oh, Five was there too.

Huh.

"Oh wow," Klaus took off his glasses cause he wasn't a heathen who wore glasses inside, "I know it's impossible but did we all get sexier?"

Jason fluttered his lashes, "Diego certainly did. Not sure about Luther tho, think he got uglier."

Diego grimaced, "I did not miss your weird-ass."

Five portaled down next to Jason instead of taking the stairs and looked at the love of his life, "Hi."

"Hey there, Fiorello."

They stared at each other.

The other came down the stairs cause they couldn't portal. There was a group hug and chatting and something about noticing copied hairstyles and beards and amnesia, Jason ignored them in favor of his side hoe.

Truly, Diego has stunning eyes but Five's eyes were kinda beautiful too.

Ok, they were very beautiful and Jason could get lost in them and never come back and he'd be happy like that but he had a reputation.

Familiar with Jason's thoughts, Five rolled his eyes and tugged the older boy in for a small peck on the lips which turned hot very quickly. If it wasn't for someone clearing their throat behind them and interrupting their sweet moment, it could've led to other things.

Like braiding each other's hair.

You perv—

Jason ignored their rude interruption and looked at Five dazed, "Hi."

Five smirked and gave him one more pech before turning to face his uncomfortable family.

Luther cleared his throat, "This is very uncomfortable."

"Knew you were homophobic," The dog boy accused with a venomous tone.

"I meant watching my 60-year-old brother who looks 13 kissing his also 60 but 13 boyfriend who for some reason came with us to the past."

Diego looked between them, "He has a point—"

"Et toi, Diego!"

"—not with the age thing, he's a furry who is he to judge, but the you coming to the past thing."

Allison stepped in to save the day, "He's our brother's dog slash lover who has a crush on you, stop being mean."

Vanya stared at them with wide eyes, she didn't know Five was into pet-play...

Jason rolled his eyes and turned into Cookie Monster/Chew-Barka and barked at the startled Hargreeves and co.

Who the fuck is that random dude?

Not caring that he was about to flash the Hargreeves—some for the second time, he has now fulfilled his promise to Klaus from chapter twenty and flashed Diego—and this random dude, he shifted into his human form and walked up to the nervous random dude.

"Who the fuck are you?"

Some of the Hargreeves -and isn't that interesting- turned away while Five swore and cursed him while opening a portal to find some clothes for him and then threw them at his back.

Random dude yelped and turned to face the other way when Jason bent down to pick up his clothes.

[too much naked Jason, someone please teach him it's rude to just flash others no matter his bucket list]

"Forget about him." Five said and everyone took that as a signal that they were no longer in danger of being traumatized by their worst enemy, Jason. Seeing he had everyone's attention again he directed upstairs.

"Klaus, is Ben here?" two-plus-three asked the ouija board.

Klaus gave a dramatic sad look, "Oh, no. Unfortunately, ghosts can't time travel."

Sus.

"Alright," FIve stood after everyone was seated and took charge, "First off, I wanna say I'm sorry. I know I really screwed the pooch on this whole going-back-in-time-and-getting-stuck thing. But the real kick in the pants here is we brought the end of the world back here with us."

"Oh, my God, again?" Klaus asked surprised, didn't he know?... "All of you knew? Why am I always the last one to find out about the end of the- Oh, my God. My cult is gonna be so pissed. Five! I told them we had until 2019," Klaus whined and complained like a little child and valid.

"We have until Monday. We have six days"

Klaus sipped his drink, "Is it Vanya?"

"Klaus!"

"What? It's usually Vanya."

Jason turned to Five, "This reminds me of my kids."

"Why aren't they our kids?"

"Cause you refused to adopt them. duh."

"They are a group of time agents and some are even older than us."

"Hence, me their dad."

Allison finished scolding Klaus about the Vanya comment who jumped in when Jason and Five paused their banter to glare at each other, "Do you have any leads, Five?"

Diego handed him a folder, "Yeah, we have one."

It was a picture of Mr. Hargreeves with an umbrella.

Everyone gathered around to look at him.

Turned out, McTipityHargreeves was there when Kennedy—who Jason thinks Diego has a big crush on—and it may or may not be related to the apocalypse.

In other words, they were flying blind.

Vanya, the mad genius wanting to cause chaos, asked maybe it was their presence and if anyone has done something to change the timeline.

There was a tiny moment of quiet while everyone shook their heads and made themselves busy.

Then there was Chaos.

"Diego's been stalking Lee Harvey Oswald."

"And you're working for Jack Ruby!"

"Allison has been very involved in local politics.

"Okay, you started a cult."

"I'm... I'm just a... a nanny on a farm, I don't have anything to do with all of that." Poor Vanya, having to deal with these psychos.

There was a loud whistle from Diego and then blessed silence—except Diego cause he began to Speech, "Listen to yourselves. Everything in our new lives is connected to Kennedy. That can't be a coincidence. Luther works for Ruby, Allison is protesting the government, Dad is on the grassy knoll, Klaus is... doing something weird and pervy but probably related. See, clearly, we were all sent back here for one special reason: saving John Fitzgerald Kennedy."

Wow, that's not a crush anymore that's bordering on obsession.

Jumping from one speech to another seemed like the typical Hargreeves meeting and Jason will not be in attendance for the next one. Thank you very much.

There was also a lot of throwing and throwing hissy fits involved for it to be a good meeting.

Forget those losers, Klaus suggested tacos, and who's Jason to decline that offer even if it does cause the end of the world.

That's how they ended up at Odessa's, drinking, gossiping, and in Vanya's case, shooting the bottles with imaginary handguns.

Stop giving alcohol to the baby.

"Hey, wouldn't it be weird if Five grew up all hot? Wouldn't that be weird?" Klaus asked randomly which is one of the reasons they're soul brothers.

Jason stopped admiring himself in the mirror and sat on the chair, "He does grow up hot, very hot."

Allison looked disgusted, "Eww."

"Oh! 'Oh, eww! Eww!' Please, Miss Luther-was-my-lover."

"We have never even kissed!"

"Yeah, but you guys were making little sickmoon-dog eyes at each other all through puberty and breakfasts and all that."

Poor innocent Vanya looked lost, "Aren't we all brothers and sisters, or...?"

"Well... technically, it--"

"'Technically'? If you have to word...use the word "technically,"  you're already in trouble."

Jason butted in, "Look I read this fanfic online, where you and a very stupid and annoying character called Alex are in love and kinda siblings but also not cause plot. It was called invisible due to Alex's lack of appearance in the show."

"Okay, What? I'm... I'm not gonna- can... can we focus?  I mean, clearly, we're not saving the world tonight, but maybe, maybe, we could at least try to save my marriage.

"No!" Klaus stopped trying to pour alcohol into his flask which he was failing thus far and there was more alcohol on the ground than anywhere near the flask, "No, because that's like... that's like asking a nun how to hump someone's leg. I mean, who in this room knows shit about relationships? This one?" He pointed to Vanya, In secret love with some farm Frau—"

"Her name's Sissy."

"—Which is an improvement on her previous love interest, the serial killer."

"What?" Vanya squeaked.

"Yeah, he even had a serial killeric attic."

"Meanwhile, I'm carrying a torch...for a soldier I haven't technically met yet and Luther is in love with his sister."

Jason began clapping from the beautiful speech. The only speech of that day that he liked and was eager to hear again.

"Okay, again, we are not biological."

"Face it, the healthiest long-term relationship in this family is Five banging a dog with the occasional threesome with their mannequin."

Vanya was lost again.

"Dolores was plasticsexual and didn't even like us on a good day!"

"The only thing the Umbrella Academy knows about love... is how to screw it up."

They cheered to that.

The conversation led to everyone deciding to tell their significant other and their significant cult the truth and how awesome this family is, which point.

It's the Chaos Academy.

And then an awesome montage of them dancing like pros and messing around with the makeup machine stuff.

Yeah, they're really awesome.

•ᴥ︎•

BONJOUR MA DUDES

IT HAS BEEN A LOOOOONG TIME I KNOW AND I APOLOGIZE FOR THE WAIT

I literally missed this fic so much sdajsja

you'd comment please update and I alongside you would be like "yes! please update"

I missed feeling like I'm drunk cause this book doesn't make sense and cracking up at my bad jokes T-T

missed YOU AND YOUR FABULOUS SELF!
DAM, YOU ALL BE LOOKING BEAUTIFUL AND I CAN TELL CAUSE I SEE ALL!

[Memes]

Yes I mentioned stuffed from previous chapters
Yes I sometimes remember what I've written before
No it only happens once a year

TAKE CARE
LOVE YA!
❤️