"Are you leaving?"
Wills asked me innocently.

"I'm going back to work next week. I'll come meet you regularly."
I told the boy who had visited me every single day for past one month and kept Nick safe and healthy.

I got the green signal from Dr Derek.
'You have a strong mind, James. I've never reduced the dose of Antidepressants for any patient as quickly as I did for you. You've healed so much. Keep going like this and you'll be fine without medication.'

"You promise? You'll come back, right?"
Wills asked.

"I promise, Wills. I won't leave."
I could see in his eyes his fear of losing someone important and it only humbled me that a nobody like me is so special for him.

Norman kept his words.
He helped me heal and get my head out of darkness. He'd come often, take me for run, play quizzes, give me dares - slowly shifting from being helpful to his usual asshole self. The pain of not having Merlen with me ever would still hurt but I was able to hold back the tears now.

************************************

I was sleeping.
Again.

I felt a hand holding mine.
The drugs were so heavy it took immense strength to open my eyes.

When I finally lifted my lids up, a familiar face appeared.

"I'm sorry..."
Neil whispered with his eyes red and tears falling from both his eyes.
I haven't seen Neil cry much in past ten years of our friendship. Except Charles' incident, I've never seen his eyes full.

"I.. I should have been careful. I should have stayed in contact with you and sent you protection on time, James. It's all my fault. I'm sorry..."
He apologised with a fresh set of tears.

I didn't respond to his apology.
A little late but he was here. I wanted him to say sorry much earlier.

"I knew Merlen's life was in danger."
He whispered.

"What the fuck are you saying?"
I asked him with the harshest tone I've heard from my throat.

"I knew Yazan will either harm you or your family if something happens to Nubia, his wife. And he did."
He took her name fondly and my doubts were getting clear.
"I figured it out. But how did you know that she was going to die?"

"She shot herself one day before your accident. Earlier than I expected."
Neil said looking down and I couldn't wait anymore.

"Tell me before I kill you, Neil. I'm this close to losing my shit and you know that better than me."
My anger was simmering.

"You deserve to know everything, James. I should have told you earlier. Much earlier. It's all my fault. Charles, Merlen, Nubia, you - it's all on me."
He rubbed his nose and got up.

"I met her at 16 years of age. I was deeply attracted towards her and she kept the conversations going for more than an year. I had started seeing my future with her - a happy and loyal one. I was so blind that I answered all her questions without realising that she was gathering all the info on multiple modern technologies that my king was implementing in his army. I was being taught all of that by Valazire and I was passing on every single word to her like a love struck boy. One day during the chief members meeting, I realised that someone is misusing the knowledge that only we had. I understood what was going on but I did not have the courage to own it up. So I kept mum but decided to cut all ties with Nubia. It's true I had feelings for her but my loyalty towards my kingdom was above her. And that was the day I took that harsh decision. I met her one last time only to find out that she was doing everything because her blind-in-love husband Yazan and his heartless father Arham convinced her to do it for their business to flourish. But then she said that over time she had started liking me because of my innocence and commitment. I was baffled. I fell in love with a married woman who had feelings for me! I was destroying not just her family life but burning the name of Fermins too. I had no option but to end things bitterly. It hurt me but the fact that atleast Yazan will take care of her gave me some peace. I angrily denied for any further interaction with her saying that she misused my innocence and that I will never accept her in my life no matter what. I was gathering courage to come out and accept my mistake in front of Valazire and the King. I probably would have been punished harshly but the matter would have remained a secret and they would have summoned Zahra and destroy all his weapons that he built using our technology.

Before I could do that, Zahra declared publicly that I had an affair with his daughter in law and made her pregnant, while blackmailing Nubia that if she doesn't agree to the lie, they'd leave her without any help. She knew she'd get no support from me. Yazan loved her so she thought she'll stay with him and agreed to lie. Everything became a mess. I couldn't prove my innocence. Nobody stood up for me, not even Valazire. He knew me inside out, he knew I'd never cross that limit. But he didn't. Trusting the lady's words over mine, I was proven guilty. After one point, I accepted it and then was made to take the oath that I'll not marry anyone throughout my life. This wasn't just a punishment for almost ruining a lady's life. This was to ensure that I don't produce a competitor to the real heir of the throne- Haneul and his future son. If I would have gotten married, they'd force me to kill her myself. That's why I stayed away from ladies all my life. My own scars were too deep to heal and this oath covered them with fresh salt.

It felt like a ticking bomb living at Quebene after that. I felt people looking at me with distrustful and suspicious eyes. I wanted to get out of there. That's when Commander of your army visited my father and proposed a treaty. He'd provide protection and men to fight if we needed and asked for place to set camps at Quebene in return. The only condition he applied that the King did not like was a proof of loyalty. Fermins have always been known for their loyalty and this condition didn't irk just my father but Valazire too. I found an escape and offered myself as the payment. I'd join Commander's forces and serve till the treaty exists. Father was furious that I suggested this without even once taking his permission. Valazire was in worse mood. I had expected that because I knew they'd never agree. Considering the situation and their anger, I was literally kicked out. I was not to return till my king permits and Valazire ensured that I don't even think about crossing him again despite living so far away. I agreed quietly and left.

I felt better here starting from zero and earning respect at a young age. Those days I was in contact only with Haneul who had started his training under Ansel. One day when I was talking to him, Ansel took the phone and told me that he was sorry. I was shocked. He said he believed me but did not want to cross the King so he stayed shut. I told him I just want to clear the bad name I brought to the Fermins. That's when he told me that Zahra and his business are prime targets at CCTC. Then he told me that if I can become a Class-I agent, I will be able to catch the man who ruined my life. I immediately agreed and he informed me about Charles. Ansel met Charles when he was captured as a prisoner during one of the Class-I Missions and Fermins were called to track him and the team out. Ansel was the main guy in that recovery and Charles was thankful to him. That's how they became thick friends. I came to know this when I saved his life in a mission and he thanked me just how he did to Valazire. I wanted a team of my own because I didn't trust anyone else. Your name came to me as soon as I cleared my tests and I was sure that I can rely on you. I didn't want to use you guys, I just didn't want to put anyone else in danger. I chose you because I knew you guys can go through anything and still be safe. I tried to lead you all in the opposite direction that day and succeeded in keeping you all safe too, except Charles.

What you all did not know was that I had gotten strict orders from Valazire to get Zahra alive and make him speak the truth. Charles read me better than I expected and he used his judgement that day on the final mission. I swear I had no plan to kill Zahra, but his words and the news that he had gotten Nubia and Yazan's son into his business had me topple. I felt that the boy could have been my son if he didn't spoil everything for me and Nubia. I just lost it when he started abusing my family. I was ready to face everything after sending the proof of my innocence to my father. But Charles' condition shook me. I couldn't forgive myself.

Even when I had the chance to ask King to go back, I couldn't. Firstly because I felt like a murderer and second I was scared of Valazire. I disrespected his order and also killed his dear friend. I didn't have it in me to pick my pieces together, James. I was happy that they'd kill me for going rogue because I had nowhere else to go. But you jumped in and kept me alive. While I earned my redemption as Flynn, you made the rest of my existence safe by tricking Yazan into believing that Neil was dead.

I dreaded the consequence to this realisation - Yazan telling the same thing to Nubia and her not taking the news well. Yazan loved her but Nubia still loved Neil. Neil's end was the end of love for her too. She shot herself knowing her husband and son were lost in the world of crime and the love of her life was no more. Yazan went crazy, just like I expected. You know what happened next.

Now you'd ask me why didn't I tell you all this before? It was all because of Nubia. I assumed she was happy and settled with Yazan. If I told anyone about my past and they decided to talk about her to anyone - it would appear that I'm looking out for her still and Yazan would get a hint that she still loves me. I knew Yazan would lose his temper if he feels that his wife was cheating on him with me and hurt her in anger. I had hoped that she had moved on, but I always felt that she was still waiting for me. I didn't want to risk her safety and the peace in her life. Now that she finished things off and her death is on me too - I don't think there's any point hiding it further from you - another victim of my misdeeds."
Neil looked at the ground numb.

I looked at him soaking in everything he told me. I had all the right to be angry at him but I just couldn't.
This man who is responsible for ruining my life - hasn't had a good life either.

"It's been more than a month, Neil. I needed this apology long back."
I knew these words will hurt him even more but I couldn't care less at the moment.

"You know me, James. Being sole reason of three people's death and absolute hatred of so many more - I'm only human. I don't have the strength to face any one of you. If not for Fire planning her leave and pushing me everyday, I'd not have walked up to you today. I don't deserve to be forgiven. I won't feel bad if you hate me the most right now, I'll rather go crazy if you don't. I didn't deserve your friendship too. I just.. I didn't. I lost, James. One bullet out of my control and I lost everything."

It was no lie that I was angry at him.
I moved my head to other side angrily.

Lauret walked in.
Her eyes were moist and she was covering her mouth with a handkerchief.
"I lost her."
I said and she broke down.

There's no way she couldn't feel my pain.
She is Merlen's best friend.
Or was.

She walked up to me and held my other hand tightly with both of her gentle palms.
She brought my hand close to her cheek and cried again.

"We lost her."
I corrected myself this time.
I couldn't stop my tears too.

I closed my eyes, not wanting to show them my pathetic state after all that I had done to myself.

"We haven't."
Lauret said and I opened my eyes to look at her.

"She lives in you now."
She said as she left my hand free.

"You love her with all your might and she loves you equally. She lives here."
Lauret brought her hand close to my chest and tapped where my heart was.

"She will always live here. Inside you."
Lauret said and I clutched my chest tighter, scared that I'll lose her from there too.

"So don't you dare kill her now."
Neil said still holding my hand tight, still crying.
I knew he was talking about my suicide attempt.

"I couldn't bear the pain."
I said honestly.

"You have to. For Nick and her. She wouldn't want you becoming so weak."
Lauret spoke gently.

I don't know why but I felt that through her, Merlen was talking to me.
May be, just because I know Lauret since I've known Merlen, she reminds me of her.

"He hates me."
I said looking at the roof.
"He knows I killed her mother and he is right. I deserve his hate. I killed Merlen. I'll get him killed too."
I said.

"What the heck are you saying? You didn't kill her!"
Neil exclaimed.

"Merlen had no enemies, Neil. I had. My enemies killed her. And Nick is right in wanting to stay away from me. I can't see him getting killed too."
I say with my eyes closed.

"Don't say that. It wasn't your fault at all."
Lauret said politely.
Her words soothed my aching heart just a bit.

"Nick needs you, James."
Neil said.

"He doesn't even want to see me."
"He is a child. He'll understand later. He just needs time and care. And you'll never be able to give him the attention he needs if you don't stop blaming yourself for her death."
She said.

"I hope he does. He is the only person I should be alive for, if at all."
I said more to myself.
Nick needs me.
Who am I lying to? I need him more.
I need him to make me feel that I belong to someone.

"You'll make it, James. You're a fighter. You didn't give up on Merlen. You won't give up on him either."
She said confidently.
That's what Norman had said too.

I sighed.
I just hope that they're all right.

I looked at Neil who was standing on one side looking at the floor. The guilt he must be feeling at the moment would be too much to handle.

Lauret took my hand in her hands again and rubbed softly.
I pulled her hand close to me to have a better look.
Then I pulled Neil's hand to confirm.

"Congratulations you two."
I said after noticing that both of them had exchanged rings.

"Your brother did what I couldn't do for more than ten years. I'm happy for you."
I said to Neil who didn't even look at me.

"My happiness costed your happiness."
If it was possible, he'd divorce Lauret as a punishment to himself, but obviously he can't. He could have shot himself dead too. Thank god he didn't do that either.

"What happened, happened. You need to live your life, Neil. And you've finally started. Don't take it granted for a single moment."
I tell him making myself an example.

"I won't. Ever. I never wanted to share this news with you in this situation. I wanted you to be surprised and happy. For the first time in my life, I want to go back in the past and change it."
He said looking up.

"Me too, Neil. I was angry at you. I hated you more than anyone I've ever hated. But it only made everything worse. My health, my thoughts, everything was out of my control. I know you're not going to ask for an apology because you don't deserve it. I have come to a conclusion."
I said firmly.

He looked at me scared of what my next words would be.
"Whatever role you had in the disasters of my life, I forgive you for that. I truly forgive you, Neil. Because if I don't, I won't be able to heal."
I said feeling a weight get off my chest.

"I don't deserve it, James. If I were you, I'd have shot the man who did all that to you. But you don't even despise me. You have the biggest heart. Charles was right."
He sat sniffing next to me.

"I just want one thing from you -"
"Anything. Anything that you say will be done even if it costs my life."

"You know I will never ask such a stupid thing."
I try to lighten the mood and both of them laugh with red noses and moist eyes.

"I want you to keep my son safe. I don't want to risk Nick's life now. He's my last reason to fight. Yazan is still alive and out. I want Nick as far away from him as possible. I'm ready to keep him away from me if he's safe. I want you to promise me that he's safe. They won't let me free once I report back to duty and I can't pull my hair out morning to night imagining everything that can go wrong in my absence."

"You need not ask me. It's already being done. One of my men has joined the orphanage and he's looking after him. Nick and his friend, Wills, have gotten along really well. Both of them are learning martial arts. Don't worry, I'll ensure Nick doesn't save just his own life, but yours too."

That's all I needed to hear.
I smiled genuinely this time.

"I owe my life to you, James. Your words matter to me before anyone. Even my king. I'm going to make up for my wrongs I did all my life. And from today, all my birds are at your command. They'll follow your orders. All the birds I add to the network will be for you. I promise you'll never miss any update or any warning ever again. Hanuel promised to help you any way he can. Rest assured you have the best technology in the world at your feet."
He said sincerely.

I had no intention to humbly deny it because that's the least I deserved from him.

"There's one thing that I have to tell to both of you."
Lauret said softly and we turned to her.

She pulled out a small kit from her bag and handed it over to Neil.
He stared at it mindlessly.
"Neil... umm.. you are.. going to be a father."

He didn't know how to react. He stood dumbfounded.
His eyes were wet again, this time happiness was mixed with pain.

He looked at Lauret with love flowing from his eyes and then he looked at me with pain.

"James..."
"Your system is still working? I thought you'll need treatment in that old age."
I kept the air light.

And he laughed with tears flowing.
"Too much crying for a lifetime, Neil. I'm not used to seeing you like this. It's a happy moment. Atleast thank your lady for allowing a part of you to grow inside her. She's really generous."
Neil chuckled and went and hugged Lauret tightly.

Finally after so many days of Merlen's death, I felt happy. Not for myself, but for Neil. He had a happy beginning finally.

"Thank you."
Lauret mouth at me while Neil cried silently crooking his head into her neck.

I knew why she waited for this moment to tell him. She knew the guilt of their marriage was already too much for him to bear. Another happy news would have pushed him to denial of deserving so much goodness while I lay destroyed.

She wanted him to see that I'm over my trauma and that he can celebrate things in his life with me being absolutely fine with it. He should feel that he has been forgiven before he celebrates.

And he truly was forgiven.

"What will you name him?"
"If it's a girl, I'll name her after my best friend."
Lauret answered.

I held back another set of tears.
Merlen.

"And what if it's a boy?"
I ask her.
"Haven't thought about it."

"Neil? Any thoughts?"
"Let me soak the news of her pregnancy first!"
He said not letting go of Lauret.

All three of us laughed.
Somewhere Merlen would have laughed too, would have made a few embarrassing remarks that would turn Neil's face red.

Neil and Lauret kiss each other and I move my hand over my heart and keep it there.
"You're still here?"
I ask her. My heart started beating faster.
I smiled.
"Yes you are. Just stay here with me."
I said and didn't move my hand.

************************************

After leaving the hospital I reported at CCTC. They were already aware of what happened with me. Before I could say anything, I was shifted to AFH and I was admitted there for another three months.

Class-I agent with suicidal tendency was a dangerous case for them. I needed 24x7 supervision according to them. They didn't believe that I was out of that dark phase. There was no chance of me getting back to Class-I life. I would never be sent for that class of Missions. It would be a huge risk and I agree I would be a weak point in times of stress. Nevertheless I accepted that my life as a Class-I agent was over for good. But the instincts were still there and I knew I'd get irked by someone looking at me constantly.

I told the doctor I don't want strangers keeping an eye on me all the time.
The next day I got the surprise of my life.

Boss came to visit me. He brought his bag as if he's to stay in a hotel room with me.
After a few hours, I literally asked him 'Don't you have to go back?'
He replied 'I took a week's leave. I'll stay here with you.'
There was no guard while he was there.

By the time that one week was up, Dog was here. He scolded me right in front of my boss who glared at me to dare shout back at him. Soon Boss left and Rollins was my 'roommate' for next few days.

I understood what was happening. My people were stepping up to guard me from myself so that I don't have to adjust with hospital guards that I don't know. They were taking leave turnwise and showing up. I was so fucking touched.

Now I was just excited to see who'd replace my roommate.
Dog was followed by each of my Red sparrows- Marks being the last.
The day he was leaving he gave me the news I didn't want to hear.
'Commander called us the day we heard about your weak moment. He asked if I wanted to be the Chief since I was the only officer remaining. I refused. Then he asked if we were okay to have any other officer outside Sparrows to be the Chief. Nobody wanted that. Commander wanted the team to keep going but we had taken a better decision. No one can replace Neil or you regardless of what both of you did. We parted our ways as Sparrows. But we're always in contact with each other. And I need not say that you can ring any of us up whenever you want and we'll be there.'

I held back my tears at his words.
What did I even do to deserve the loyalty and support of these men?
I promised him the same and let him go.

It took me some time to realise that I indeed was not alone.

************************************

I'd be lying if I say that I didn't cry.
I bawled!

My boys!
James. Neil. Everyone else!

Life is not fair and no grass is greener.
But sun sets only to rise again.
Each day.

************************************

What would you do when you meet ONE ray of hope of survival in a hell you entered hand in hand with Satan?
Would you trust or would you evade?

What would you do when your only trusted person is about to lose everything? Would you risk your position, lose your everything and stand against everyone for that ONLY ray of hope you held on for years?

What would you do?

************************************