I lost Merlen.
She is dead.
What's left for me to live?

I felt my eyes weigh a hundred ton when I wanted to open them to see who was holding my hand.

It took me few seconds but by the time I adjusted with the light, the touch was gone. I was hoping it to be Nick but even my semi conscious state knew that's impossible considering what I did to him.
And I was right. It wasn't him.
It was another boy - very lean, probably underweight and malnourished. I remember seeing him in the mortuary when I saw Merlen's face for the last time.

"Who are you? Where's Nick?"
I asked him.

"Hello sir. Nick says he doesn't want to come. My name is Wills. I.. I saw your car on fire and called for help.."
He said unsure of whether he should say it or not.

I closed my eyes back hoping I'll go back in that time and not drink those beers before taking off, drive better and save my love.

There was a loud thump and I opened my eyes again. Norman was standing there with red and wet eyes.
I looked at him for only a second before looking down.

"I'm so-"
"Don't you fucking apologise! You promised you'll keep her safe! You killed her!"
He shouted at the top of his voice which was already shaking.

I knew he was in pain. I knew how it felt. I knew how angry he was at me. I was angrier at myself.

"You're right. I killed her."
I whispered with tears flowing out of my eyes again.

"And yet here YOU are! Alive! I will never forgive you, James!"
He said and then left.
I knew he held himself back from killing me right there.
I wish he didn't. I wish he'd kill me. I deserved it.

"Sir.. It wasn't your fault.."
That kid said right after Norman left.

"It was my fault, son. I killed my wife and pushed my boy away from me when I just got him back. It's all my doing and there's nothing left to correct it. My life is useless now."
I said.

He bent his neck down, got up and walked out.

I don't know what was happening to me.
The grief was becoming unbearable with each passing minute. I had never felt so lonely ever before. I couldn't stop thinking about it no matter what. I didn't want to stop thinking about it because that would mean I'm running away from the truth that I'm a murderer.

Soon images of blue sky and white clouds were filled in my mind. There were moments of peace in between pain. If only I could get to the clouds, I'd get that peace. There was only one way to reach there.

I got up and started walking towards the balcony of my room. The more I walked the brighter it got. I was feeling so relieved that my pain will end now. I knew what I was doing and I wanted nothing else. I reached the railing of my balcony. I was on seventh floor. There's no way I'll survive this height. It will hurt a bit but not as much as it's hurting right now. It will get over.

'And yet here you are. Alive.'
Not for long, Norman. I won't be here for long.

Before I could climb over the railing and end my misery, I heard a loud "Stop!"
The voice was so loud that I stepped back in reflex.

"Please don't move!"
The doctor said as he walked towards me with that boy behind him, both breathing fast.

"I..."
I started saying something but I didn't know what to say.

"Mr James, please come with me."
He kept his palm on my shoulder gently and made me turn around.
He walked me towards my bed and sat in front of me.

"What were you doing, officer?"
He asked me politely.

"I want it to stop paining."
I repeated what was going on in my head.

"That's not the solution. But I understand your state. My words are not going to help you. You're in deep grief and you can't find any other way out."
His tone was peaceful.
It comforted me to know that someone understands me.

Soon the door to my balcony was locked.

"Hello Mr. Dwight. I'm Dr Derek. I'm a psychiatrist. If you don't mind, can I sit here and talk to you for sometime?"
A new guy had come after a few hours and I understood what was happening.

Over next three days, Derek visited me quite a few times and by the third day, I confided in him that I told him everything about me and Merlen and how much it was hurting.

************************************

"Are you crazy?"
Norman entered shouting while I was laying quietly on my bed, lost in my thoughts.

"I'm almost there."
I replied.

"You tried to fucking kill yourself? Were you out of your mind?"
He asked.

"I guess. I still am."
I replied again in that monotone.

He took a few loud deep breaths to calm down and then walked to my side. He sat down next to me and looked at me.

"Look. I know you're hurt. And I didn't make it any better for you. I'm sorry for what I said that day. I had completely lost it when I heard Merlen's gone. I loved her so much, James. You know I did. I couldn't accept it. And I know you did too. We're both hurt. We both were looking for outlet for our grief. Mine came down on you. But yours... it didn't have to be that way. I know you think you're responsible for it, but you aren't. It was an accident and you didn't do it deliberately..."
He said looking at me with tears upto the brim.

"...And no matter whether I hate you or not, it won't bring Merlen back. So I don't want to break the relation she created between the two of us. She loved you and Nick and so do I. I'm sorry again, James. You're the only family that's left for me. Please don't do this again."
He looked down.

"Nothing you say is going to change the truth. I killed her."
"No you didn't, you fool. It could have happened with anyone sitting on the driver's seat. You were just there."
He argued with tears falling down.

"Then why didn't I die? Why just her? Why am I still alive and she isn't? What did she do to deserve this? I've killed so many people, I've tortured so many people, I've hurt so many people - why did she leave us all and left me behind when I did everything to end up where she did? Why didn't she take me along if she had no other option?"
I asked angrily.

"Because you have to fulfil her wish."
He replied calmly.

"She wanted you to become the father you should be. Wasn't that her last wish?"
"I can't do it without her!"
I was sobbing now.

"You can, James. I know you. You're at your weakest right now but I've seen you at your strongest and you can move mountains if you decide to. Trust me you'll be good. You're not alone. I'm with you. I'll help you come out of this. You'll be a good dad to Nick and you'll be glad that you stayed back. You just have to stay back, James - until you fulfil her wish. You have to."

Three days of talking with Dr Derek had cleared the clouds in my brain to some extent. Norman's words were doing the same.

"I can't promise."
I said wiping my running nose.

"What's happened, happened. It is going to hurt us really bad but time will heal this wound. Just keep yourself safe. I'll look after everything else, I promise."
He was nearly begging me.

I just nodded a reluctant yes and he nodded his head too.

"I got fruits.."
Wills entered and immediately shut his mouth realising that I'm not alone.
He visited me once after I tried jumping off the balcony, told me that Nick is with him and he's fine and then he disappeared. I assumed he left for his home. I was glad that his parents were kind enough to let my son be with them while I stay here at the hospital.

"Who's this boy?"
Norman asked.

I looked at Wills and smiled a little encouraging him to answer.

"I'm Wills. I'm Nick's friend."
He replied meekly.

"Nick's friend? Where is he?"
"He is at the orphanage."
Wills replied and I sat up with a jerk.

"Orphanage?"
Me and Norman spoke at the same time.
"What are you doing there?"
I couldn't stop myself from asking.

"Yes. We live in the orphanage two miles from here. Nick stays with me there. We go to distribute newspaper in the morning, come back and pray, clean the floor, take bath, have our breakfast, study, wash our clothes, have lunch and then sleep. In the evening, we mop the lawns, then come back to orphanage and help in the kitchen, have dinner, clean the utensils, pray again and sleep."
He said in one breath and I sat with my mouth open.

"Nick is doing all this too?"
Norman asked and suddenly I wanted to know that.

"Yes! We stay together all day."
He replied happily.

"Norman! My son!"
I looked around and let the words out painfully.

"James calm down. Nick is safe and that's all that matters right now. How he's living is not important. Wills - is Nick happy there?"
"Yes! He is so happy to play with all of us! Only when I ask him to come here and meet him -" he pointed at me- "he gets angry and says that he doesn't want to go."

My heart felt crushed at those words.
Wills was being cruelly true here.

"Can you take care of Nick while his father recovers here?"
Norman asked politely.

"Yes yes. I will. But can you take care of his dad? He's all alone, and he wants to jump from there.."
He whispered without knowing that I can hear him.

I couldn't explain the feeling that hit me in that moment.
I didn't even know this boy and he had already saved my life twice and was saving Nick too. On top of it, he is asking a stranger to take care of me because he thinks that I'm alone.

Who is this boy?

"Wills? Why are you so worried about me?"
"Because you are Nick's dad. But you want to leave him."
He said with a pout.

"You don't want me to leave him?"
He nodded a no.

"Why?"
"Because my mum left me. I wanted to stay with her but she said that she can't do it- that she can't manage everything on her own, it's too much. She left me at the orphanage one morning and went. I waited for her to come to tell her that we'll do it together if she can't do it alone. I'll work and earn money, but please don't leave me here. One day Father told me she will not come back ever. I want to talk to her. I waited but she didn't come back. She left me.... I don't want you to leave Nick."
His nose was red by now.

Fresh tears had welled up my eyes and I covered my face with my hands.
The only sound that was heard in the room was of my muffled cry.

What was I even thinking?
I was ready to leave Nick behind and suffer just because I was weak. I made Merlen suffer and I was about to make Nick go through the same! What the fuck was I doing! Oh god!

"He didn't exactly answer your question but he said what you need to hear. You know what to do, James."
Norman said.

"I won't leave him, Wills. I won't. I promise I won't do anything to myself."
I kept a hand on his bony shoulder.

He smiled and handed over three bananas to me.

"Where did you get this from?"
I cleaned my face and composed myself.
But I was stunned at the reply.

"I washed some cars and trucks in the garage on the way. They paid me for it. I could only get five bananas from there."
He replied honestly.

"Five? Where are the rest two?"
Norman asked playfully while I watched the boy fiddle with his fingers.

"I ate one because I was hungry. The last one I saved for Nick..."
He looked down like he was caught stealing.

"Wills?"
I asked him knowing something was off.

He just looked up at me.
"You sure you bought these?"

His eyes went wide and he looked at me like he'd seen a ghost.

"You didn't. Right? You stole it from the garage?"
I said.

"How do you know?!"
He asked in shock.

"Smart boy. Good with words."
Norman laughed.

"Stealing is a bad habit, Wills. Don't do it again. Okay?"
"okay"
He replied meekly.

"It's getting late. I have to go."
"Will you come again tomorrow?"
I asked him hopefully. This boy seemed to take my mind off Merlen and I really needed that to stop myself from killing me.

"Okay."
He replied and then left.

"This boy is something!"
Norman read my mind.

"Indeed. I'm happy Nick has someone for him."
"Nick is good, James. He'll come around. Give him some time. And give yourself some time too. I'll go visit your son at the orphanage and talk to him. I could have take him with me if not for the upcoming missions."
I nodded silently again. I knew exactly how difficult it would be for him to stay under cover and cater for a kid. He's on duty in complete senses even after losing his only sister - had my respect.
Even if he took Nick, he couldn't have kept him as happy as he was with Wills.

"But you -"
"I'll be here. I'm not going anywhere. Merlen made me promise and I'm going to keep that promise. I'll be a better father to Nick. For that I have to heal. Even if I have to do it without her."
It pained to say these words.

Norman was convinced.
He patted on my shoulder once and then left.

"Mr. James Dwight?"
"Yes?"

"Here is your phone. We informed Mr Norman through it. There were other calls too."
A man handed me my phone and I checked who had called me. Immediately I recognised the number as Neil's. Before I knew it, I had called it back and it was on my ear.

The call log showed that Neil had called me eighteen times right after the accident.
I just wanted to hear his voice right now and I knew I'd be better. Instead I heard something else.

"James? Han here. Bambi has gone out with his friend in a no-network area. He told me to inform you about any update on Yazan."
My heartbeats were through the roof.

"What's the update?"
"His wife died a week ago. Stay careful. He's a mad man. He-"

"took revenge by killing my wife."
I completed it for him.
I connected the dots within no time.

Yazan's words echoed in my mind -

Haven't I done enough? Oh I've done enough but it's never enough. He's the reason why it's never enough! He's taking everyone from me expecting me to just sit and watch all that. I want my family back! I want him to fucking confess that he is keeping the one person away from me that I can do anything for! I want him to suffer in pain for snatching my happiness away from me!

The one person that Neil was keeping away from him - the one Yazan would do anything for - this one person was his wife - and she died.
I don't know what was Neil's role in her death, but he definitely was involved because if Yazan believed that Neil's dead, he wanted to avenge his wife's death from someone who's still alive - Neil's best friend - me. And he hit where it hurt the most. The cost I paid to be Neil's friend was more than I could afford.

"What?!"
"Yes. I lost Merlen. Your brother's enemy took her life because he couldn't kill the dead Neil."
I should have been simmering in anger if it was my usual self. I should have walked out at that very moment to seek revenge. But I didn't. I didn't want to.
I was too hurt to plot a revenge. I was too scared about Nick's safety that I wanted to be as far away from Yazan as I possibly could. I couldn't lose my son.

I rubbed away the tears that had managed to slip out.
"When your brother comes, tell him this. And tell him to not lose his shit again. The last thing I need right now is for him to become reckless again."
I replied calmly much to my surprise.

"I'm sorry, James. I should have called earlier. May be -"
"May be. May be not."
I didn't want to hear another word about how things could have been different than they are.

But the one thing hurting me was that Neil isn't here. When I need him, he is not with me. I know he's not running away from my misery, he probably has no clue about it either, but he is not here.

"I'll contact Bambi however I can. He'll get in touch with you soon."
Haneul said.

"No need. Let him spend some time happily. It's been years since he did something for himself. Let them be together for sometime. Whatever was to happen with us, has happened. He can't do anything about it now. Tell him when he comes back."
I said knowing Neil and Lauret are together. Happy. Alone. Safe.
Everything me and Merlen were not. Atleast someone is. I won't spoil it for him.

"You are a good man, James. I'm glad he has you as a friend. We owe you so much for bringing him back to us. If there's anything I can do for you, please tell me."
He said.

"I won't need it."
I knew the king was not just being formal. Fermins stick to their words and I've witnessed it first hand. I also knew he'd start a war if I tell him - that was the power he had. But if only the Fermins acted on time, I'd save myself from lot of pain.

"Han. Tell Neil that I don't want to see him again."
"James. I apologise on his behalf. He wasn't aware about all this. He still isn't. Please-"

"It all happened because he was a part of my life. Everyone tried to push me away from him - including he himself. He knew this will happen. But I didn't listen. I understood now. I don't want my son to be at risk. He's all that I'm left with. I can't afford to be his friend anymore."
I said with tears rolling down my cheek.

It was difficult to say it but I needed to.
One day I had to accept that it was all Neil's fault.
He's the one who brought respect, love and courage in my life and he's the only one who took it all back.

Neil got back to the kingdom the very next day of Haneul's call and rang me up. I didn't attend his call. I couldn't.
I didn't want to lose my patience and blast on him. He didn't call me again. Nor did he show up. Somewhere in my heart I wanted him to come and apologise but he didn't.
After a few days, I stopped expecting. He won't. I'm sure he understood what he did. And he didn't have enough balls to face me after everything. Good for him. Good for me.

************************************

My heart doesn't exist anymore. It's fallen somewhere in pieces.
My dear James...

I can't imagine a man as strong as him to ever be as weak as he is right now...

I wish someone could just hug him tight and say nothing.