I looked down at my hands on my lap, covered with blood, his blood!!!

I almost killed him!!!
Tears flowing down my eyes, unstoppable, as I was shivering with agony!!!! He is being treated inside, six stitches that's what the doctor said!

I don't know why the fuck, I did that, why all my anger took over me that time, that I almost-

I never wanted him or anyone to be death I still lo-

Care for him!!!!

My life is a mess, I don't know what I want for myself, my heart feels for him, but my mind can t forget the fact that he killed my bestie- married me with force.

I wish it is just a dream, but it's not, the pain in my heart, my head, saying that all this is true, part of my life!!!

Which I wanted perfect!!!

I never wanted any pain!!!

Any agony!!!

I never wanted to fall in love!!!

That's the main reason- I left him!!!!

I started to fall for him!!! I knew the future of every love story, betrayal, pain, tears!!!!

I didn't wanted that-

I can't trust him- which I was by the passing time.

I was falling for him, way too much that his absence scares me, I just wanted to get rid of these feelings which I couldn't handle as a teenager!!!

So I left him, when papa asked to marry Kunal, in 3rd year I said yes, coz I wanted to get rid of these feelings-

My brother- he died because of this love!!!!

I hate love!!!

More than anything!!!

Am scared to fall in love

^_________^

I was in 8th class

I still remember that day...my  eyes were fixed on the TV, as i was watching Crime shows on weekend with my younger brother when, Rohan Bhai walked in 'bhai aap aa gaye( brother you are home)' that's what I asked, but he ignored me, and directly rushed upstairs, to his room and banged the door behind him, so loud that it startled me, i sat back on the couch thinking he must be tired and continued with watching TV.

Late night papa came, about at eight thirty, i rushed towards him and hugged him happily, he chuckled and hugged me back, caressing my hairs " i bought you chocolates gudiya (doll)"he smiled at me handing me over the chocolates and i grinned.

Family is perfect-

Until you become an adult!!!!

Mumma asked me to go and call bhai for dinner,so i rushed upstairs and knocked his room door, NO ANSWERS

I knocked again! But NO ANSWER.

"Bhai mumma dinner ke liye bula rahi (Bhai mumma is calling you for dinner)'' I shouted, but still no answer!!!!!

Annoyed, I rushed back downstairs "Mumma wo darwaza nahi khol rahe( mumma he is not opening the door)"I whined and sat on the couch grumpily.

"Ruko mai bulata hu(wait lemme call him)" papa said and walked upstairs, while i continued watching the CID episode, i forget about everything around, i was so lost in it, so was my younger brother, with plates of dinner in our hand, and eyes fixed on TV.

Until!!!

The doorbell rang and mumma rushed to open it, the uncle with beard walked in as mumma guided him towards upstairs, I too walked behind them curious.

He was doing something with the knob of the door and soon the door opened.

I heard mumma scream-

As soon as it did, I climbed the stairs as fast as I could, and peeped into the room.

My eyes filled with horror and tears-

As I saw-i saw my brother.

Hanging with the fan, a skipping rope around his neck- his eyes closed, tongue peeping out of his lips and he was unmoving.

I sobbed, and rushed towards him shouting for his name!!!!!!!

Papa held me, stopping me on my path and closed my eyes, "sshh bacha don't cry" he whispered, his voice cracking. He was broken, he wanted to cry but was controlling himself!!!!

Mumma was screaming and crying against the door frame, she fell against it, making papa rush towards her.

I eyed back at bhai, and more tears came into my eyes!!i cried sobbing, calling his name again and again, staring at him, when my eyes fell on the bed under him, and the paper kept on it, i walked towards it, and picked it up and rushed outside.

Not wanting anyone to catch me!!!

And take my answers away!!

I wanted to know why!!!

I went directly to the Terris and opened the crumpled paper.

"Anushka please don't do this- please don't leave me- i will die without you!!! ...I love you!!!" That's what was all written on that paper, that was the time i walked back downstairs to my parents who were crying, cursing themselves for not being good parents, that broke me!!!!! That day i decided - never to fall, no feelings should be there for anyone!!!

Love kills, that's all that I remember.

I started to fall for Kartik spending time with him, I was scared to trust him or anyone i can't, all are fake.

So I left him.

Even if it hurted him.

Even if I cried for nights!!!

I left him!!

Because I didn't want my parents to cry.

So I did.

My papa made me marry Kunal!!!!!

And i was happy coz i had no feelings for him of course.

Four years later, I had a dream, a nightmare!!!!

The tragic incident flashed back, and Kartik too at last, i woke up panting.

I searched for my phone immediately, as the thought came into my mind. How could I be so immature and foolish, i- i did the same with Kartik what happened with bhai, i searched for his number and called him immediately.

"Hello" his cold voice echoed and I sighed in relief.

He is ok!!!

He is ok!!!

He moved on!!!

It's ok!!!!

I disconnected the call and sighed in relief, hugging the phone close to my heart.

^_________^

"Ma'am" The nurse came to me breaking my chain of thoughts, I looked at her.

"Doctor is calling you"she said, i nodded and followed her in!!

Kartik was there lying on the bed, with a drip on his hand and his eyes fixed on the ceiling.

"You can take him after two hours, he should not wet the sound, and this is the prescription for the medicine" he said handing me over the paper, my eyes were fixed on Kartik.

And I nodded without looking at the doctor. "Is he ok now!!!"I asked nervously, he nodded.

"Ask your husband to stay away from hooligans and fights"the doctor added, eyeing Kartik. When we walked into the hospital the doctor asked how it happened. Kartik made an excuse.

I nodded and walked towards him, keeping my hand on his, he looked at my hand and then me, his jaw clenched as he jerked his hand off me!!!

Which hurted!!!