That night I didn't answer any calls. Shahveer called. Izar did as well. I didn't pick up.

The next morning, I woke up to a string of text messages from the two of them, and from Aahed. I put my phone inside the drawer of my bedside table, and went to the kitchen to get some breakfast. It was 10:00 AM, and my entire family was sitting around the dining table as the sunlight bounced around everyone's figures, tumbling out of the spaces between fingers and utensils upon plates like waterfalls. It turned the strands of my mother's hair to a fine silver thread that streaked through her dark hair, as she sat with her back towards the French doors that led to the sitting room, fine spun silver that bounced as she turned to look at me.

As she did so, my father's head turned as well, as he smiled at me and motioned for me to grab a plate from the counter and sit down. Baba Jee sat in the chair opposite Amma, with Neea, Nur, and myself sitting between them on the one side of the table that wasn't pushed against the wall. I pulled out the low backed wooden stool and sat in my usual place, next to my father, with Nur on my other side sitting between Neea.

They were all listening to a live streaming of ARY news on Baba's mobile phone, passing occasional comments between the forkfuls of scrambled eggs, beans, sausage and tomato salsa. The topic being discussed was in regards to the percentage of the public that wasn't happy with PM Imran Khan's progress and success since being elected, and that I only found out through my father telling me about it, because as always I had blocked out the newscasters voice.

My mind was busy elsewhere. Even though I had chosen no to even glance at the messages, I couldn't help but think of the entire thing.

"Tiaaa, are you going to eat that sausage?", asked Nur.

"Nur now fair you had it last time as well!", exclaimed Neea.

I wasn't surprised by this, half expecting it at the back of my mind, like a whisper in an empty room. An empty room – that's where I wanted to be right now, alone and away from everyone and everything, I thought to myself as I cut the sausage in half and placed the two pieces in Nur's and Neea's plates.

"What are your plans for the day, Gaitiara?", asked Baba.

"Nothing. No plans for today."

With a shocked expression, he said "Really? You have nowhere to go, no one to meet? By God this must be a dream! My eldest daughter at home!"

"I actually don't want to go anywhere today Baba Jee," I said, " The boys are meeting up at Muhammad's place today to plan the trip to Islamabad, but I told them they can call me if they need to for anything important."

When I said this out loud, I realised how flawed my decision to leave my phone locked away for the entirety of the day was. A few of us friends were going to Islamabad next week on Monday for Aahed's older sister Attiya's wedding. We were going there a few days early before the rest of his family, so we were going to have their family house all to ourselves until they rest of them arrived on Wednesday, a day before the Mehndi, so they could have dholki a night before in Islamabad.

"Good. Although I still don't like the idea of you going on a road trip with six boys! I don't even know why I said yes to that in the first place, frankly speaking I don't even remember saying yes to it." said Amma.

"Alright Zee, you know you said yes, and Gaitiara beta, you know the only reason we're letting you go is because it's Aahed's sister's wedding, and because the two of you are so close."

"Yes Baba jee, I know I know. I remember not being able to go on the trip to the north last summers, you know, and you're talking like Abbi and Fatima aren't going as well." I said. I was still bitter about that, since all of my friends, including Shahveer and the rest of my old friends had gone on that trip. It was amazing. But sadly, I wasn't allowed to go, even though some parents were also going with us.

"Tiaaa, can I go with you please? Aahed Bhai said I could come as well! Please Please Pleaseeeee!", cried Nur, as he grabbed the sleeve of my arm, transferring the grease and butter from his hands onto it.

"Nur, you know Aahed was talking about the Vailma, right? Because that in Lahore? And all of us are invited to it, you know." said Neea, and just by the way she said it I could tell she wanted to come along with us, which wouldn't have been a problem, except for the lack of space when it came to transportation. She got along really well with all of my friends, and often accompanied us when we went out to eat, or even when they came over to vest.

Nur's face fell a bit, so to please him I told him I'd bring him a present on my way back.

"Have you decided on what you're wearing to the functions? Do we need to go buy something?", asked Amma. And from the expression on her face, I could she was hoping I wouldn't say what I was about to say next.

"yes I have, I'm wearing that Saree you bought last we- "

"Gaitiara, n- ", she started to say, but I didn't let her finish and continued talking.

"-ek, and I'm supposed to go shopping with Abbi the day after tomorrow for the lehnga for the baraat."

With a sigh Amma said, "Firstly, fine you can wear the saree, but not that God-awful black lipstick of yours, and secondly, you're going to wear a saree on the mehndi? How are you going to dance in that?"

"I'm going to wear the saree on the Valima Amma jee, so I won't have to take it with me to Islamabad."

"alright, but what will you wear on the mehndi then?"

"I'll figure something out. I'll see what Abbi is wearing. And the dances we've prepared are so good, I'll definitely need to keep the choreography in mind when I decide what to wear."

I was about to say something, but I was stopped by a loud sigh that escaped Nur's lips.

"What's wrong Nur?, asked Baba Jee. He didn't show it that often, but he was the type of person who alarmed by emotions easily. If he ever saw either of us crying, which was something I tried to avoid as much as possible, he would get so startled that would ask us why we were crying in half shouts which I had grown to adore.

"Nothing much Baba Jee, I'm just sad that I won't be able to see Tia Aapa dance."

After spending most of the day with my nose in a book and my ear to my bedside drawer, I had decided to go and sit on the roof. I grabbed my copy of Sunlight on a Broken Column by Attia Hosain and my phone and made my way to the roof. It was a pleasant day, and the constant downpour had stopped leaving the air as a cool breeze that rattled the vines hanging from the shade in the center of the roof. I climbed up a ladder placed in the corner and went to sit even higher on the roof of the second story of our house, the topmost roof.

I sat down in the center of the roof, and picked up the book. I was almost finished with half of it and was reading it slower than I usually would. I didn't want that book to end. I wanted to stay in that pre-partition era and see every detail of Laila's life. I wanted to weep with her, and fight her battles with her. 

I was pulled out of that world when my phone got bombarded with messages. With a sigh, I picked it up and scrolled through the messages, which were mostly from Aahed who asked how I was feeling, and had sent me links to music. I was typing out a reply for Aahed when I was interrupted by a call. It was Shahveer. I didn't answer.

I put my phone to the side and lay down on the roof, and watched the clouds run across the sky, and I imagined that each cloud was taking away with it a note of the ringtone blaring out of my phone. After a while it became quiet again, but only for a minute, because he had called again. This time I declined. But then he called again.

And then I answered it, but I didn't speak.

"I was never actually going to do it you know.", he said on the other side, his voice barely louder than a whisper.

I stayed quiet.

"I wasn't going to, I promise. I would never. I don't know why I said it."

"but you did say it."

"I know, I shouldn't have. But please can we talk about it? Can we talk? Please Geekay?", he asked. I could hear the urgency in his voice, and how much he regretted our conversation from yesterday – but I wasn't in the mood.

"I don't want to talk to you right now." I didn't want to deal with it. I felt like I couldn't even have a single day without being dragged into something, without problems blossoming around me as if I were in a meadow in springtime.

"Can we talk later then?"

"Maybe.", I said and I ended the call.

After I went through all of the messages, and had a conversation with Izar, who had called Shahveer and told him off apparently, I lay there on the topmost roof, and started at the birds circling above me and flying to their nests. When I had asked Izar earlier why he had told off shahveer, he told me it was because he was upset with the way Shahveer had talked to me. I asked him if there was something I didn't know, because I felt there was some other reason that was acting like kindling where this quarrel was concerned, and he had almost too quickly assured me that there was no such thing, that he had no relation to shahveer and vice versa, and with a sigh I put the matter to bed, even though I was certain that wasn't the case.

I lay there thinking about it, about Shahveer, and Izar. About Aahed and how he always knew when to send me music, and what kind to send. I lay there thinking about the clouds pregnant with rain, and even some with hail, and how my mind was like the clouds, wanting to let go of all the rain and hail, of the storms. I lay there thinking about Neea and Nur, about how I wished that they never had to go through such worry, and that they could be as lucky as I had become where friends were concerned, that they found the kind of friends that would be there for them, through thick and thin, friends that would show up at the door at 2:00 AM after one phone call, friends who were willing to fight battles they didn't have to. I lay there, and thought about when I wasn't so lucky, when people who I thought were my friends, turned out to be the opposite, about those four years where the only friends I had were my mother and siblings, and three friends from kindergarten who had transferred to other schools that I met once a year on my birthday. I lay there and I hoped and prayed that Neea and Nur never had to go through something like that, and that even if they did, I would be there for them. I thought of the trip t Islamabad with my friends, and hoped that it would be free of drama. That we could go, that I could go and just for a while forget about all of it.

I lay there with these thoughts floating around in my head as the first drops of rain had started to fall around me and then on me, a slow drizzle that slowly grew into a thunderstorm. All the birds had found shelter, and the trees were swaying and dancing to the sound and rhythm of the thunder and lightning that was booming in the skies and in the skies of my head. I lay there and let the rain pour over me, listening to Amma's voice calling me inside, willing time to slowdown as I felt each drop hit my skin, willing the storm outside to somehow, take power from the one raging inside of me. 

_____________________________________________________________

the footnote shall be updated soon.

|dkk|

x 

____________________________________________