Summary: After weeks of wondering where you stand with Josh, you finally gain the confidence to ask him a question that's been bothering you.

Pairing: Josh Dun x Reader

Word Count: 1186

Warnings: Implied alcoholism, alcohol use, profanity, angst

Author's Note: This is the last mid-week bingo post before Realize That It's Gone starts up next week! Hopefully all of you are excited :) And I hope you enjoy this one!

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You leaned against the kitchen counter and stared out the window at the twinkling lights of Los Angeles. The view from the house that you and Josh shared had always been one of your favorite parts; it was one of the few things that didn't hold bad memories when you looked at it. There had been countless nights where you sat in the dining room, alone, looking out at the city lights.

You checked the clock as you poured yourself another glass of wine, hoping that this one might finally fill the hollowness you felt in your chest. It was nearly two in the morning and Josh still hadn't returned from whatever event he had told you he was going to. Despite your strained relationship as of late, you still hated to go to bed without him. It felt like the final nail in a coffin you weren't yet ready to bury.

And to think, you had once expected the move to LA to be good for the two of you. How wrong you had been.

Your glass of wine was still half full when you heard Josh's car pull into the garage. He walked into the kitchen shortly after, carrying a jacket over one arm and a bag in the other. You watched silently as he set his things on the counter and kicked his shoes off next to the door.

"Hi," he smiled.

"Hi."

Josh walked around the counter and gave you a kiss, forgoing a comment about the taste of wine on your lips tonight. It always amazed you how he could so easily pretend like nothing was wrong when he felt like it. You had always envied him for it.

"How was the party?" you asked, trying to emulate at least a little of the normalcy with him that you so desperately missed.

"It was good. I had a nice time."

You nodded and gulped down another large sip of wine. Josh wandered further into the living room and started to pull off his sweater, revealing his undershirt.

"That's good."

"Yeah."

Josh sat down on the couch and leaned back, letting his eyes fall closed. You admired him, from his dyed red hair to the ripped jeans he was wearing. It was tempting to join him on the couch and wrap your arms around him, but you knew the gesture wouldn't be returned. Your chest hurt just thinking about how much things had changed over the last few months.

"Josh, do you still love me?"

You weren't sure why you asked it. Maybe it was the alcohol talking, or the growing frustration about feeling like you were living with a stranger in your own house. Most of all, you just wanted an answer to the question that had been bothering you since the moment you two arrived in Los Angeles.

"I care about you a lot, Y/N."

Your breath caught in your throat. A simple "no" would have hurt less.

"That's not what I asked."

He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "You're drunk. We shouldn't even be talking about this right now."

"Just give me an answer, Josh. I'm sober enough that I'll remember it in the morning."

"Do I get that feeling in my chest from love when I look at you? No. But I still care about you."

"Feeling in your chest?" you frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"You know," he held a hand over his chest, "the butterflies and the giddiness and all that. The physical feelings."

"So what? You're saying you think love is just some kind of chemical thing?"

"If you break it down to its bare essentials, yeah."

"You really think that's all love is?"

"No, you're twisting my words again," he said, pointing a finger at you as he stood up from the couch. "I think if you don't have that feeling at the very core, then it's hard to fall or stay in love with someone. I know there's more to love than just a feeling in your chest, but I lost that core feeling for you awhile ago and as much as I tried to love you despite that, I couldn't make it work."

"Then why am I still here? Why didn't you tell me? Do you understand what you've done to me? I'm still hopelessly in love with you, Josh. Did you realize that? I spend every night just waiting for you to come home so I can get some fraction of affection while you're off with other people having the time of your life and not caring about what happens to me."

"I was still holding out hope that I would get that feeling back, I didn't mean-"

"Fuck off, Josh! I don't exist for you to toy around with me like that. I'm a person with feelings too and while you were playing around waiting for something that might not come, I was just falling deeper in love with you by the day." You set your drink down and grabbed at strands of your hair, trying desperately to release some tension. "God, I want to hate you so badly."

"Would you just listen to me, Y/N? I wasn't toying around with you for fun. I stayed faithful. I tried to be a good boyfriend. Dammit, I read through all my old journals to try and remember what made me fall in love with you in the first place, but nothing worked, alright? There's nothing I wanted more than to fall back in love with you, but that feeling was gone and I didn't know how to get it back. I thought maybe, just maybe, it would come back with time, but it didn't. I was going to tell you soon... I just didn't know how."

"That's not a decision that you get to make alone."

"I realize that now and if I could go back I would have done it differently, but-"

"Stop," you shook your head. "Just stop, Josh. I've heard enough."

You stormed past Josh, trying to ignore the tears that were freely falling down your cheeks. He called out to you once you reached the bottom of the stairs.

"Where are you going?"

"To get my laptop so I can book a flight back to Ohio and get the fuck away from you."

You ignored Josh's pleas as you made your way up the stairs. There was no way you could stand another minute of looking at him, not when your heart still raced and your stomach filled with butterflies when you looked at him. Even after everything he had done and the things he had said, you couldn't get yourself to hate him. Your feelings ran too deep.

You pushed the thoughts from your mind and focused on the shining laptop screen in front of you. Your only focus right now should be packing your things and getting on the next flight to Columbus, away from the city that was now only full of bad memories and broken hearts.

The lights of Los Angeles just didn't seem as pretty anymore.