(Y/N)'s POV

It was Christmas Eve Eve! Or if you live in the U.K. or farther, Christmas Eve. Lucky bastards. I absolutely adore this time of year, you know, besides the holiday shopping stress at the malls. Today, I had to exactly that, and Jesus fucking Christ am I exhausted.

The mall was hectic. I think at least half of the people in my town were in it. Fuck sakes, I think some of them didn't even shower before leaving their house, that's how BAD the body heat was.

I had to shop for my good friend Evan. Even though he's not really a person... he's an owl.

One night as I was walking home from work, I heard a raccoon screeching, almost like claws to a chalkboard. I turned the corner of the street I was walking down and found that annoying motherfucker.. and some owl that was fucking him.

CAN OWL'S FUCK RACCOONS?!

I shooed the owl away, about to comfort the raccoon. That was until some homeless man came wearing only a green speedo and panda hat, he reeked of piss and nacho cheese doritos. The homeless man looked at the raccoon with hunger, drooling at the mouth. Then he looked at me and hissed. Of course, I ran away. It was a shame that I couldn't take the raccoon with me either. Probably was his dinner.

As I continue my walk home from work after the strange encounter, the owl returned and started flying around my head like crazy. This fucking owl never stopped no matter how many times I flailed my arms to shoo him away. So I took his wings and held it down, carrying him home with me. Now he's best friend. Except when he hoos at me while I change in front of him. Never thought owls could get horny.

I was looking around the pet store to find something for Evan. Odd enough, I wasn't the only one buying stuff for their pet too. As I was looking around, some man in a tux and yellow flip flops tapped my shoulder an asked "Hello ma'am, would you be kind enough to let me titty fuck your butt cheeks?"

I gave him a kind, flirtatious smile and pushed my hair back. "Well, if you put it that way.." That's when I took his nut sack and squeezed it like putty. This retarded tax man looking motherfucker then falls to the ground in pain. I continued to search the pet store but couldn't find a gift for Evan so I left.

While walking around the mall, I passed this sex store that was having a Christmas sale on dildo's and cock rings. Maybe I can make my own collar for Evan with a cock ring! Yea! It vibrates and maybe he'll fucking listen for once to me.

I walked in and was greeted by a worker.. who honestly didn't look like a worker. He had one of the ugliest monkey masks I've ever seen on and white booty shorts. Funny, his skin color matched the monkey mask. "Hey there sexy mama, just let me know if you need any help. Name's Marcel." Then he starts getting closer to me. "But you can call me daddy."

Aaaand that's when I punched this dumbass monkey in his black dick.

I made purchase of this really pretty black and gold cock ring, along with a thick purple dildo, for scientific purposes. Hopefully Evan won't find it, and hopefully Evan won't morph into some fucking human and fuck me with it either. I can take his hooing for a while but not if he started raping like he did with that raccoon.

My stomach started to growl, well, that's expected. I didn't have fucking breakfast before I left and it's already hiiiiiigh nooooon. I was already broke from buying that expensive ass dildo and cock ring for Evan. I better screaming to the Gods if that dildo was worth that much. I mean what?

I decided to just drive home and cook food there. However, that was when I was stopped by a Chinese monopoly man named Nigel. Man? Horse? I don't fucking know. He was just as ugly as this janitor that worked the mall. He looked like a bulldog that didn't know how to eat some raspberry popsicles. Kind of smelt like mountain dew.. and monkey piss. "My name is Nigel~ NIGEL THE HORSE MAN!"

"Uhhh"

I continued walking to my car until I heard him scream "wait!" like five times. It just made me walk even faster. I quickly rummaged through my bag trying to find the keys until Mr. Chinese monolopy horse dick caught up with me. "You didn't hear me screaming 'wait, wait, wait' but for some reason you started sprinting faster and faster!"

No words could describe how confused and extremely weirded out I was. So I took out the rocket launcher from my (F/C) coat that obviously fits it and ended his misery. "NOOOO NIGEL!" Some Arnold Schwarzenegger weirdo said. I looked at him while he cried over the Chinese horse as I was sitting in my driver's seat. This was getting awkward so I rolled up my window and that's when he started banging on the glass. "LOOK WADAFAK YOU'VE DONE IMBECILE! JOHN CONNOR AND I WILL-"

I backed up nonchalantly and casually ran him over. And that concludes my weird last minute Christmas shopping experience.

As I drove into the driveway of my home, I saw Evan at my bedroom window. Someone was excited to see me. I entered my house excited to wrap Evan's gift up and test out my toy, until the door bell rang.

UGH PEOPLE.

I tiptoed to look through the peep hole, and immediately take back the word 'people.' I'm not sure if it was even some human anymore after what happened today. He held a book so he must be either a Mormon or a caroler. I opened the door and examined him much better but not for long as he started to sing Christmas music... I think?!

"FOUR TWENNY KUSH FOUR TWENTY!.. wait nonono that's not it. OH CHRISTMAS WEED OH CHRISTMAS WEED!-" The pig... guy.. thing.. started singing and that's when I slammed the door on him. "I won't leave till I get some puncake, I won't leave till I get some puncake-" I threw some bacon I had in the fridge at him and locked the door again. That's ok, I had a few more packs of bacon anyway. "Mommy? Daddy?!" The piggy said behind the door.

Finally, I started walking up to my room to see Evan. But as soon as I thought all the weird shit was over, I heard.. something as I passed my bathroom. It sounded like a dying cow, and it was. Except it wasn't dying and it wasn't a cow, it was a moose masturbating, or at least trying to with its hooves. "Umm, well this is awkward." The moose said like A HUMAN.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" I started whacking it in defense with the purple dildo in my bag. It started mooing again but in pain. He couldn't take it anymore and rammed his antlers through my wall and ran away.

What a weird fucking day.

"EVAN!" I screamed opening the door to my room. Evan greeted me with a hoo and landed on my shoulder. "I told you not to let anyone in the house!" His owl eyes looked at me guilty. With his left wing, he pointed at my closet.

"I WANT GUMMY WORMS!" a monkey in red jacket and diaper said when I opened my closet.

Ok after that encounter with 'monkeys' earlier today, I don't want to deal with anymore monkeys. But this one was cute, so I just closed the closet back up and let him chill. He'll live, if I remember to open it up later on.

My full undivided attention finally went back to Evan. I took out the cock ring and his owl eyes lit up, it was almost like he was smiling with his beak. He nodded his head frantically wanting the cock ring on. So I complied and put his soft owl head through the hole (Idfk if you can unhook a cock ring. I don't have a dick and I've never bought one)

Then I was slammed back down to the floor and pushed away from Evan. I think God smited him, since he was glowing from where he stood. But ahead of me was no longer an owl, but a buff naked man with the same cock ring I bought for Evan around his dick.

We both screamed terrified to what was going on. I wasn't sure if I was terrified that my pet is half human and half owl now and-

"Oops missed a spot." said God from above. He smited Evan once more, giving him a human head. To be honest, I was kind of ok with this now.

We both stood awkwardly until Evan started to shiver. His now Asian dick started to shrivel up making the cock ring fell off. I was awkwardly panicking in my head, how the fuck do I take care of him now?! "Umm.. sorry I don't have clothes for you.."

"I mean.." Evan started walking towards me. "You can warm me up in other ways."

----(Lazy to write smut rn)

"And that kids, was how I met your father!" I said cheerfully watching my human and owl children.

The yellow and brown eyes glowed as they opened their presents. "Beautiful aren't they?" Evan kissed my cheek. "Best Christmas present every year, thanks to you."

"Merry Christmas, Evan." I kissed his nose.

"Hoo!"

---------
umm stay safe this Christmas. don't talk to strangers, kids.