He wasn't a good father

He wouldn't consider himself one to begin with. He's too far into his job, far into the rabbit hole, far from being considered as sane and far from being a good father to Luca. Far from being a better father to Luca. He already dragged his sons into this place he calls comfort. The comfort of the smell of blood, the comfort of having a gun in your hands, the comfort of being trailed and stalked, the comfort of being able to hide the pain that's obviously bleeding.

Achilles already hates himself for being a shitty parent. He's already mad at himself for being such a coward and just letting his sons do the dirty work. He's already regretting the fact that he wouldn't get to fulfill the last promise of his wife.

All Maria wanted was to give Luca love because he lacks the ability to do it. Achilles was already happy with three sons. Besides, sons were easy to handle compared to daughters. And seeing Luca for the first time, just toddling around, the innocent look on her face told him everything he needed.

Luca wasn't safe with them.

Luca wouldn't want a life where she'd have to see how the world really works.

She wouldn't want a family like them. She doesn't deserve a broken family like them.

Achilles sighed tiredly as he looks at his glass of whiskey. He's gone far into this habit where he'd lock himself in his office and just drowns himself in guilt and grief until it turns unbearable that he'll have to drink a glass or two glasses.

He just felt tired and angry.

He was tired because of the discussions with his sons.

Enzo doesn't want her to be given away because Luca would be much safer with them. He looked like he genuinely cared for this little girl and Achilles would often see a smile or two on his face and would just wonder how the hell did someone manage to put a smile on his usual poker faced son?

Sydney was so scared. He was scared that he'd hurt someone, he was willing to change. He was practically begging for change. Sydney's always scared of himself that it stings Achilles' heart a bit. This boy would usually just follow him around like a puppy but now he's deciding for himself. For what's best for him.

Gabriele doesn't want Luca. He doesn't want change. He doesn't accept it. He's mad, too mad to notice his brothers. He's too mad to notice his own father's miserable ass. Too mad at Luca, at everyone honestly. He doesn't want to be here. Gabriele doesn't want anything to change. He wants it to stay the way they are and Achilles probably pities Gabriele the most.

After their mother died, everyone just died along with her. Everyone turned into strangers, the world seemed so grey and gloomy, there was no light, no warmth. It just felt cold that day.

But Gabriele felt it the most. If everyone felt cold, Gabriele was the one freezing the most. He was the one who's been affected the most, he was the one who changed the most.

And that's probably why he hates change.

Because for him, change was huge. It always, always brings bad news to him.

Achilles snorted.

If he were a good father, he would've tried to bring Gabriele into a warmer place to stop him from shaking from the unbearable cold.

From the unbearable pain that they'll probably never get out of.

But let's face it, he wasn't a good person to help someone who's obviously drowning.

He drinks to that.

_____

Achilles wasn't a good father.

The feeling of not being good enough.

Have you felt that?

It makes everyone want to cry because the feeling of not being good enough is painful. It feels like a knife slicing you in half. It burns just hearing someone tell you that you aren't good enough. If you say that you don't care if you're not good enough then that means that you gave up on the idea of even trying to be enough. You tried but you failed. You failed so hard. You're just tired of hearing that you aren't enough to be accepted as good.

You know that those voices will never shut up. Those voices brings you down, it tortures you evedyday, it brings you pain everyday. Achilles knows that those voices can't shut up even if he locks himself in his office all day.

After all, those voices are inside of your head all along.

It's torturing Achilles. It wouldn't stop. It's making him feel so much worse and it's making him wish that he was good enough to be a better person.

To be someone he's afraid to be.

To be someone he wished to be.

To be someone who he can't be.

Because he doubts himself. He's afraid.

He can't do it.

Achilles isn't good enough to raise Luca. She's better off at a much more better family. She's better off safe at someone who's much more willing to take care of her rather than being here with them, feeling sorry for herself for having such a monstrous family.

Achilles isn't good enough.

He drinks to that.

____

His office was a mess.

Of course it would be a mess. He threw all of the things he first saw into his wall like a madman. Maybe he was turning into a mess like the mess that he created. He snorted at himself. That's all he could ever do. Make a mess of things. Be a mess. He's just sitting in the middle of chaos, mind blank and was just drinking a bottle of wine.

Grief.

Why was it so hard to overcome?

Oh, maybe it's because the one that you cared for, known for, loved for for so damn long was now dead. And gone forever. And that they left you all alone with the feeling of being lost and pain without even saying goodbye. If they did say goodbye, what use would it be? They'll still leave you in the end, leaving you with the feeling of something dark inside.

Pain.

What is pain? Is it that stinging feeling when you see trip down and fall? Is it that burning feeling when you burn yourself while cooking? Or is it that dark feeling where you drown yourself in what you thought was shallow waters but was an ocean all along? That feeling were you feel like something was keeping you down and doesn't want you to resurface to the land again.

"Fuck, fuck... " Achilles cried as he buries his face in his hand, clenching his eyes shut, wishing that everything would just become dull and less painful.

It hurts.

It hurts so much.

Why?

Why?

Why does it hurt so much?

It wasn't like this before.

Luca's cries were loud enough for Achilles to hear. Her soft little cries were calling out to him, tearing him apart and making himself wish that he was a good person. For her. For his sons. For everyone. He wish that he could be more than enough, more than just good, to calm Luca down. Her cries made him remember the painful cries of Maria as the nurses and doctors tells her to push harder to let Luca out and meet the world.

He could still remember how Maria went pale after she smiled at him happily. How her eyes slowly lose its warmth, how her hands turned cold.

It makes him remember that Luca isn't part of this family. She doesn't deserve a family like them. It makes him remember that he couldn't be a good father to Luca even if he wished he were because he wants to carry Luca in his arms, he wants to love her so damn much she'd have to throw a tantrum to keep him away from her, he wants to protect her from the world, he wants see her grow up into a fine young lady and see her pick a proper job and not this bloody job that he calls his comfort.

He wants to be a father for Luca.

He wants to be a better person for Luca.

But he can't because he isn't a good person. He isn't a good father. All his wishes are just wishes. He isn't good enough, he can't change for her, he can't be sane for her, he can't be normal for her, he can't always protect her. He can't even keep the promise he made to his own dying wife, how the hell can he change himself into something he can't be?

How fucked up was he?

Achilles took a shaky deep sigh as tears fell out of his eyes shamefully. Cattaneo men never cries, they never show their weakness.

But for once, let him cry

For once, let him feel the pain instead the usual dullness, let him feel the dissapointment in himself, let him grieve, let him smash things, let him hear her own daughter's painful cries, let him feel regret.

Let him feel alive for once.

So, as he tortures himself at listening to Luca's sad whines and tired cries, he drowns himself with alcohol and chaos, letting himself drown into the darkness.

Achilles cried louder, tears felt like acid burning though his skin as he shouts at himself, at his failure, at his insecurities, at his stupidity, at his pain, his luck, everything. Let him cry for everything that's ever happened to him. Achilles shouted, screamed louder until his voice turned hoarse and painful and he threw the glass beside him, shattering it in a million of pieces.

Achilles looks at the bottle of wine in his hand and was about to shatter it again but he just stopped himself and shake his head.

He's already pathetic. What more could a shattered bottle of wine do for him?

It can't do anything to stop the pain and sorrows. It can't stop Achilles from drowning further into pain.

He can't stop himself from doing it so he just lets it.

He drinks to that.

_____

Ah, depressing.... (╥_╥)

How was it?

Achilles is just so hurt but he still wishes himself to be a better person for his children. I think I like Achilles here because I often don't write him as someone who's often confused and someone who's feeling lost and hurt. He was always the leader, the boss, the one who never shows any weaknesses but here, I just feel like he's vulnerable and lost and it hurts... :(

Anyways, I hope that you guys enjoyed it!