"Devin?"

I startle at the voice paired with the hand shaking my shoulder. At the sight of the two shadows above me, I scoot backwards and hit my head on the wall.

"FUCK!" I rub my head and try to hold my tongue from saying further obscenities.

"Are you okay?"

The lights in my bedroom turn on and through my teary eyes, I see Stephen and Tony watching me with worry. The bump in my head feels tender, but doesn't seem open.

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

"I got a call from Tania," Stephen says. "She said you left the event at her parents abruptly and didn't have a chance to talk."

"What is there to talk? She knows! Her whole family knows! I might not understand Spanish, but the words they used weren't compliments."

My stomach churns at the memory and I stumble towards the kitchen for a glass of water after pushing them out of the way.

"How did they find out?" Tony asks while opening the curtains in my living room.

"The hell if I know," I say after emptying my drink. "There were college kids and phones. It was too easy. Never thought someone would recognize me at that place."

The evening was going great and I was truly enjoying the attention from Tania's family. Of course, the questions were too personal at times, but nothing I couldn't handle. The guys accepted me in a quick and uncomplicated way and Tania's brother Ricky made sure I had a fresh beer at all times. It was a new experience for me since I never met any of the families of the girls I dated...

"Wait! You said Tania called you?" I look at Stephen.

"She tried to call you throughout the night but you didn't answer. She felt worried as you guys went together in her car and she didn't know if you got home okay."

"I took an Uber to a train station and came home from there. I didn't know she had your number."

"We exchanged numbers the day we met. I also tried to call you without success so I called Tony since he has a key."

I look at the floor to the trail of clothes that leads to the couch. My phone is still in the pants. I kept my emotions under control until I got home. I've felt raw pain in my heart before, like on the day I received the notification I wasn't allowed to see Roxy, but this was something else.

I bundled myself in a blanket, lie on the couch and couldn't contain the tears. I've lost all everything again; a job, my daughter and the woman I love. I love Tania without any doubt. She makes me happy and I've never felt like this before.

I should have told her the truth when the kids found out about the DVDs at the discount store. I could have made a big joke out of it, about my past. I'm not Dean Dallas, the porn star, that was a character made to sustain myself. I'm Devin Cole and I decorate children parties.

I feel an arm over my shoulders and look to my side to find Stephen comforting me. Thick tears roll down my cheeks. I lay my head on his shoulder as he embraces me. He caresses my hair as I let my broken feelings loose once again.

"I'm sorry, Dad."

My father cups my cheeks and smiles.

"I arrived in your life maybe too late, but I love you Devin. We will figure this out."

A ring comes out of my bundle of clothes on the floor. Tony gets my phone out and looks at me.

"It's Tania."

Fear and sadness fill me and I feel lost at what to do. The phone goes silent again.

"If it's of any help, she didn't sound angry when she called me," my father places his hand on my arm. "She was truly worried about you."

I take my phone from Tony's hand. It is nine in the morning and I'm supposed to go to work in an hour. My hands shake as I unlock it and redial the lost call. While it rings, I walk to my bedroom with my heart on my throat.

"Devin? Are you okay?"

"I'm not okay, but I got home without any trouble."

"Can we meet up for coffee? We need to talk."

Like a man on death row, I accept my fate. Instead of going to her house, we will meet at a small cafe.

While getting ready, Tony and Dad show their support and try to cheer me up. It doesn't work, but I appreciate their efforts. They wouldn't leave until I reassured them I was in a calm state to drive.

Tania sits at the restaurant when I arrive. She looks as beautiful as always while I'm a mad wreck. I take a seat in front of her and stare at the table.

"I ordered coffee for us both. I hope that's okay with you," she says.

"Thank you," I whisper.

"Were you planning to tell me about your porn career?"

I look up and try to decipher the emotion behind the question. Is she mad? Upset? Sarcastic? Her face is empty.

"I- maybe- no, probably not."

"Why?"

"You would have fired me like everyone else did."

Tania opens her mouth but is cut by the waitress serving our coffees. I guess the woman sensed the tense environment and leaves without saying a word.

"I'm not everybody. This is your one chance to explain it all." she shakes a few packs of sugar and dumps them in the coffee.

Where to begin?

"When I turned 18, I was out of the foster care system. They helped me with finding a one bedroom studio, but for the rest, I was on my own. I took a job as a bus boy in a restaurant and one night while walking to work, I saw a sign on a window looking for a production assistant. I knew they were not going to pick me, but I tried anyway and to my surprise they hired me.

I was even more surprised when I found out what kind of productions they did. In the beginning, I was only serving coffee and cleaning the mess they made. Later on, I helped to build sets, and learned about lighting, sound and cameras. One time, one of the actors got sick and I got asked to substitute him.

I was terrified, but could only think about the extra money I was going to earn. That is when I met Tony. He was a makeup artist for the production and he helped me to feel confident. I don't doubt that at the time he also wanted to get in my figurative pants as I wasn't wearing any."

I watch Tania and a tiny smile appears on her lips.

"In the meantime, I got a gig stripping at a nightclub. I lasted about a month because I got hired to do more movies. I can't dance and all I know is how to do ridiculous moves to make drunken women throw money at me.

I got fed up with what I was doing and the crazy ideas of the directors. With the help of Barbara, the mom of the birthday girl with the Paris theme, we made a soft porn movie about Little Red Riding Hood."

"Like the tale where the wolf wants to eat the girl?" Tania asks surprised.

'Oh, he did eat her' is my first thought, but I only nod.

"I followed the same style and found there was an audience for those kind of movies, women mostly. Probably looking for romance mixed with pleasure."

Tania closes her eyes and shakes her head. She smiles when she opens them and her cheeks burn bright red.

"Now I know where I've heard the name Dean Dallas before. Not only when the girl at the discount store called you that. Peyton told me once she had a date with him but never went out of her bedroom. I thought he cancelled on her. Now I know what she meant."

Now it's my time for cheeks to burn. I don't know if I will see Peyton again, but can't look at her the same.

"How many movies have you made?" Tania asks and it feels worse than the questions from her aunts and cousins.

"Hundreds."

"How come I've never come across one?"

I ignore the meaning behind her words and limit myself to shrug.

"Why did you retire?"

I look at her face and realize that Tania isn't angry or upset. That makes me feel even more anxious. She can't feel okay about this.

"I didn't retire on purpose. One night, I went out to dinner with Tony. During the days before, I had the nagging feeling that someone was following me. I told myself I was tired and imagining things. We came out of the restaurant and Tony went back to get his phone that he left on the table. As I lit a cigarette, a man came to me and stabbed me twice in my belly. It's the most horrible pain I've experienced in my life."

Tania's mouth hangs open. "But you are okay now."

"It's a miracle I'm alive. My injuries were serious and life threatening. The infections afterwards had me hanging to life by a thread. Tony took care of me and my father made sure we didn't lack resources. I had met him only a short time before."

"That is very kind of him. I dare to say he loves you for what I saw when I met him."

"He does. Only took me a long time to realize it." I smile at the memory of how he comforted me in his arms.

"Why didn't you return to make movies?"

"Because while I was battling for my life, my ex-girlfriend made sure I lost the shared custody of my daughter."

Tania's face hardens at my words. She grabs her bag and leaves the restaurant. I know I screwed up things, but where did I go wrong now?