"Good and evil is not black and white but a thousand shades of grey"

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Prologue

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There is no emotion, there is peace

There is no ignorance, there is knowledge,

There is no passion, there is serenity

There is no chaos, there is harmony

There is no death, there is The Force

As a youngling, the Jedi Code was drilled into your head. Before you could form full sentences, you knew the Code. Unlike your crèchemates, you always had a question to ask about it. People die and become one with the Force, how does that mean no death? Isn't compassion an emotion? Without passion, how can one pursue what they love?

The questions were endearing for a short while before they became concerning to your crèchmaster, and you quickly learned to keep queries like that to yourself — seeking answers on your own merit and time.

More than anything you wanted to be a Jedi, and you worked hard to be a good one- but the word Jedi didn't feel right. Every time it was uttered the Force whispered to you that something was missing, some... descriptor.

It was during one of your independent studies that you came across a story seemingly forgotten in the back archives. The way it was written nearly came off as children's tales. But they were too dark, too serious to be something the crèchmasters would tell you and your crèchmates at night.

It told stories of the Sith Wars, of the Sith's dark powers and aptitude in the addictive Dark Side of the Force. But beyond the Sith Wars and battles between the Light and Dark, was the Gray.

The term Gray Jedi had two meanings. First, it was used by Jedi and Sith to describe Force-users who walked the line between the light and dark sides of the Force without surrendering to the dark side, and second, it described Jedi who distanced themselves from the Jedi High Council and operated outside the strictures of the Jedi Code. However, those who were considered to be true Gray Jedi met both qualifications and did not belong to any particular Force tradition.

There were Gray Jedi who fought for the Light and Gray Jedi who fought for the Sith, but in the end, they were Gray because they trusted the Force above all else and explored all of its uses- even if that meant using Dark Side techniques.

"(Y/n)."

Jumping, you clutched the datapad close to your chest and turned to face your closest friend with a smile. You felt like you'd just been caught doing something forbidden, but really you were just reading. Just reading.

"Hey, Obi-Wan. Do you need something?"

"Bant, Garen, Siri, and Quin are all either doing coursework or meditating."

"Quinlan Voss is meditating?"

"I think it was an excuse to go do something against the rules, but I didn't ask any further," Obi-Wan shrugged, sitting next to you, "What are you reading?"

"A book on the Sith Wars. I found it in the back and thought it was interesting," you shrugged, attempting to be casual, "I think I might check it out, actually. I didn't get very far."

"Well, after you check out, do you want to go to the West Gardens with me?" Obi-Wan asked, with a small tilt of his head.

"Sure! Just give me a second to speak to Master Nu about taking this and I'll be ready."

Obi-Wan gave you a smile that always made your heart flutter. You held your book a little tighter. No attachment was part of another section of the Code- letting all things go and straying away from unnecessary distractions. Of course, you understood the good intentions behind the rule. If someone got too attached then they might be willing to put that person or thing above their duty to the broader galaxy. But still, attachment was unavoidable. You were attached to your crèchmates, to certain masters, and you were attached to Obi-Wan- your closest friend. Their encouragement made you stronger. Your love for them wasn't a weakness despite what other Jedi might say, and it wasn't your love for them that made the Dark Side interesting.

Perhaps that's why "Gray Jedi" felt so right.

~*~*~*~

It was time. You and your crèchmates were eleven and were ready to move on from training sabers to the real things. Which meant it was your pilgrimage to Ilum for your kyber crystal.

It was easy to sense the nervousness coming from your crèchmates, despite them constantly releasing their feelings into the Force.

"What color do you think you'll get?" You asked Obi-Wan, distracting him from his thoughts.

"Well, blue or green are most common, aren't they?"

Shrugging, you replied, "Doesn't mean you can't get something special. The crystals pull from your Force presence, after all," glancing back at Obi-Wan, you saw a look on his face that always meant he was doubting himself, "Obi-Wan, it'll be alright. I have full faith that you'll find your crystal. If you just let the Force guide you, then everything will be alright."

"Depending on (Y/n) to make you feel better about being a failure?" Bruck Chun decided to confront you two at that moment.

Peeking over his shoulder, you smiled, "Master Yoda, are we there?"

Bruck whipped around, scowling when he saw nothing, "Very funny."

"Not funny. Proof that you know you shouldn't be talking to Obi-Wan like that. Now, run along before Yoda actually comes and bruises your shins," you made a shooing motion with your hands, smirking when Bruck actually left.

"You didn't have to do that," Obi-Wan sighed.

"Of course I didn't, but I still did. Bruck shouldn't be saying those things to you, especially when none of it was true," the Doubting Himself face came on again, "I'm serious Obi-Wan. You're an excellent fighter and brilliant in our diplomacy classes. Bruck reeks jealousy all the time when he's around you."

"He could be jealous of you, we're so close it's hard to tell," Obi-Wan joked, pulling a giggle out of you.

The ship soon landed, and everyone disembarked- immediately expressing their displeasure at the overwhelming cold of the planet. Even the winter clothes all of you were supplied with didn't do much to stop the wind from nipping at you.

"Follow us, you shall," Yoda had hitched a ride on Mi-Adi-Mundi's shoulder, and it took a lot of self-control to release your amusement into the Force so Yoda couldn't chide you for it.

After an extended struggle to walk through the high snow, you and your crèchmates stopped in front of a giant stone. All of you looked to Yoda and Ki-Adi-Mundi for answers, and both of them simply motioned to the stone and stepped back.

"We're never going to be able to move that," Bant mumbled, looking up at the stone anxiously.

"They never said we have to do it alone. What if we try it together?" You suggested. All of you could try to move the stone by yourselves all day, but if you worked together then it would be much easier.

"Why not?" Quin shrugged, "It's worth a shot."

So you and your crèchmates lined up in front of the stone and pulled on the Force. When the first hints of stone grinding against stone came, everyone perked up and doubled their efforts. With all of you working together, the stone was soon moved enough that all of you could enter the caves.

"Done well, you have," Yoda nodded, following after all of you into the caves, "Search for your crystal, you must."

"Allow the Force to guide you through the caves. Don't rush it, and don't take a crystal that doesn't call to you," Ki-Adi-Mundi advised, "You may go."

Turning to Obi-Wan, you smiled confidently, "I'll meet you back here. Good luck. May the Force be with you."

"And with you."

The two of you went your separate ways, drawn in separate directions. The Force sang around you, more concentrated than it was at the Temple. Throughout the caves, you could hear the voices of the others- speaking in quiet tones as they searched.

Eventually, you traveled so far into the caves that you couldn't hear anyone anymore. A few times you began to doubt you were in the right place, but the Force would nudge you and you'd continue on.

Happening upon a wide crack, you sighed and side-shuffled through it to the other side. It was a much smaller cave on the other side, the crystals glowing brightly despite the lack of light.

"(Y/n)."

Spinning around, you clutched your chest when all you could see was Master Yoda, "Master Yoda, you startled me."

"Calls you, the Dark Side does. Not fit to be a Jedi, you are."

"Master Yoda? I don't understand-" you took a step toward him, but another person called your name and you turned around again, "Obi-Wan."

"Attachment is not the Jedi way. I'm afraid I don't feel the same, (Y/n). I'll never feel the same."

"Obi-Wan, it isn't like that-"

"My, my, how lost you are." This new voice brought panicked tears to your eyes. It was your own. More mature, lower, more taunting, but it was obviously your voice, "Left alone by those you trusted. Abandoned because you could see what they did not. Tell me, was it worth it?"

"I'm not alone," you whispered, but it was hard to believe your own words, "And I won't be abandoned."

"Won't you? Too Dark for the Light and too Light for the Dark. Your curiosity led to ruin. Your refusal to choose destroyed both sides. There is no 'switching between', you either are or you aren't. And you are neither. Worthless. Filth."

"Stop it."

"This is worse than Falling, (Y/n), for you see, you will never truly be whole whilst you traverse both sides of the Force. Longing for one or the other will drive you mad, and your madness will be... beautiful."

You weren't in the caves anymore. It was a field, full of dead bodies. Standing on a hill with a perfect view of the carnage, you grimaced when you recognized many of the dead. Obi-Wan, Bant, Garen, the Jedi Council. There were also others you didn't know. A young man with dark blonde hair, his blue eyes forever open. Several identical men in white armor. Others of your kind- two women and a man, dressed in immaculate clothing.

An older version of you stepped up next to you. The Older (Y/n) was dressed in black pants, a white top, and a grey robe. When the Older pulled the hood down, you could have cried. One eye was your normal (E/c), but the other was a sickly yellow- the mark of the Sith.

"Don't you see," Older (Y/n) smiled, and it caused your tears to spill over, "We are not worthy, we never were. We killed them all in our frustration. The call of the Dark Side became strong, but we desperately held onto the Light. Eventually, our mind fell apart because of the strain, and we killed them all."

"No..."

"Oh, yes. The freedom we felt from their deaths was marvelous," Older (Y/n) laughed slightly, "There's nothing holding us back now. (Y/n), we can be unstoppable. Let go. Let go of those around you, and the Code, and your stupid morality. We could rule everything."

"No." You wiped your tears away, "I don't want to rule, and I don't want to be unstoppable. You aren't me."

"Aren't I?"

"I know I'm not going to be a normal Jedi, but I don't feel the call of the Sith either. I can be both, and I can be neither- and I can do it without going mad! I trust myself, and I trust those around me. They've helped make me who I am, and I won't disgrace them by throwing all of that away. I will be a Gray Jedi, and I will follow the will of the Force as I do- no matter where it takes me."

Without warning you were back in the offshoot cave, a kyber crystal clutched in your hand. It sang when you held it close, the Force emanating from it so strongly that you felt as though it was speaking to you.

"I did it," you whispered, pride blooming in your chest.

Unsure of how much time had passed and intent on getting back, you squeezed through the crack again and made your way back through the caves. You were the last one to arrive, it seemed, and your crèchmates gathered close to see your crystal.

It was the size of your thumb and nearly iridescent, similar to everyone else's. What would make it unique is your Force signature.

On the way back to the Temple all of you took shifts either assembling your handle or meditating over your crystal. It was a full day's trip back to Coruscant, so there was plenty of time for everyone to get things done. When you got back to the Temple, all of you would rest and spend most of the next day meditating over your crystals again before placing them in their holder.

"What did you see?" Obi-Wan asked you, eyes still on his in-progress handle, "Everyone has said they received some sort of vision. It's one of Ilum's tests."

"A possible future. One I want to avoid," you answered vaguely, "What about you? What did you see?"

"A future I'd like to avoid," Obi-Wan mirrored your answer.

The two of you shared looks and smiled impishly at each other. You might never share what you actually saw, and Obi-Wan might not either, but that didn't mean anything in the end.

~*~

The next day, your crèche gathered with Master Yoda in one of the training rooms. All of your lightsaber handles were complete, and one by one you inserted your kyber crystals into your sabers.

"Light them, you can."

In unison, everyone lit up their sabers. The room was aglow in green, blue, and... purple light. Your lightsaber lit up purple.

Aside from yellow eyes, there was another marking of a Darkside user - a red saber. Sith often used artificial crystals to create the red glow, while Dark Jedi's kyber crystals often bled from the sudden change to the Dark Side.

Jedi blue and Darksider red. It was poetic that it'd be given to you whilst you were pondering the designation of a Gray Jedi. It was Force presence that dictated a sabers color after all, your crystal obviously picked up on yours.

"A unique color, purple is," Master Yoda mused, silencing the whispers that had started up, "Unique in the force as well, you will prove to be."

While the rest of the crèche was dismissed to begin training with their sabers with Master Koth, you were asked to stay behind- as you expected you would be. Master Yoda said nothing until Master Windu stepped through the door.

"A purple saber, this initiate has."

"Really?" Master Windu looked at you, and you lit your saber as proof, "I see. And the crystal is straight from Ilum, not a Hurrikaine crystal like mine?"

"Yes, I found it in the caves like everyone else."

"Yes, I can see that the color is deeper than mine."

Master Yoda made his way toward the door, "Leave you two, I will."

The door slid shut behind Master Yoda, leaving you alone with Master Windu.

"You, of course, realize that crystals take after their owners' Force presence."

"I do, Master."

"In the past, we have had other unique colors, and the holders have gone on to follow very specific paths that the Force has set out for them. Tell me, what is the Force saying to you now?"

Closing your eyes, you took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. Concentrating on the Force flowing in and around you, you tried to pick up on the path it was trying to guide you down.

"The Force tells me that I have a job to do... an important one. My saber represents what I'll have to do... the-" You hesitated.

"Yes?"

"The sides of the Force I'll have to understand," you opened your eyes and looked up at Master Windu anxiously. If he took your admission the wrong way, you could be sent to a branch of the Corps at best and expelled from the Jedi Order at worst.

Nodding, Master Windu thought over his next words carefully, "In their lifetime, many Jedi brush against the Dark Side of the Force - in moments of anger, of pain, even in moments of desperation. Yet they come back, and stay in the Light."

"What if... what if I'm in the middle?"

"Then you shall have a heavy burden on your shoulders, and you must keep balance within yourself. The life of a Gray Jedi isn't easy, and it's the reason why many leave to go on their own path. If you are to stay at the Temple then you must follow the rules as such. Possible leniency will be discussed with the Council as we go on with your training."

A heavy weight lifted from your shoulders, even if the realization of how much responsibility you had washed over you. You weren't going to be exiled, but you were going to be watched closely.

"One more thing, Initiate (Y/n). As time goes on, you will be taught to hide your Force presence. Your designation as a Gray Jedi will be known only by the Council and your potential Master. If word got out, you could be targeted by Dark Side users or socially exiled by your peers."

"Will I always hide?"

"Not if you choose to leave the Temple one day, and not if your reputation becomes strong enough in the future. There are many things that can happen, we'll have to wait and see."

"I understand Master Windu, thank you."

Having planned on hiding your potentially grey Force signature from everyone, including the Council, for the rest of your life, you found that the Council knowing and accepting it was much better. Even if you would be bound to the Code, there was still the potential for leniency to allow you to improve your skills properly.

All in all, getting your lightsaber turned out to be a very good thing.

~*~*~*~

A year after gaining your lightsaber and beginning your journey down the path of a Gray Jedi, you were chosen to be Master Plo Koon's Padawan. The day he asked you was one of the best of your life.

Because he was part of the High Council, he was privy to the fact that you were an up-and-coming Gray Jedi already, and planned your training around that. Many of your studies still focused on the Light Side, of course, but there were days dedicated to the Dark Side so you would maintain your balance and not Fall.

There were some who weren't as happy as you and your friends for your apprenticeship. You were thirteen when it happened. Many of your crèchmates had either been chosen as Padawans or chosen a branch of the Corps to go off to. Obi-Wan, however, had not been chosen and refused to even consider joining the Corps. The two of you didn't talk about the deadline looming over Obi-Wan's head much, but when you did it was always reassurances for Obi-Wan- that even if he was sent away you wouldn't forget each other.

"Come down to train with us mortals?" Bruck always chose the worst time to bother you and Obi-Wan. Currently, you were going through the motions of Ataru with him. (It was his favored form, while you preferred Niman)

"I came to train with my friends. There's more than one Padawan here, Bruck," you motioned to Garen and Siri who were sparring on the other side of the room.

"There are other Padawans, but none of them are defective like you."

"That's enough, Bruck," Obi-Wan snapped, his temper rising (a new development that came up as he aged).

"You're one to talk, Oafy-Wan. You're about to be sent to the Corps."

"You've always been jealous of Obi-Wan. You know he's better," you hissed, throwing an arm out to stop Obi-Wan from doing something stupid.

"Oafy-Wan, better? No, he's not better. Not better than me, and not better than you. But you're just a screw-up waiting to happen. Everyone knows it. One day you're going to be kicked out, and that's way worse than being sent to the Corps-"

Obi-Wan pushed past your arm and tackled Bruck before you could react. Garen and Siri had stopped their spar by that point and were quick to come over when the fighting broke out.

"Obi-Wan!" You tried to go forward to pull them apart but Garen held you back, shaking his head when you glared.

"You're just gonna get hurt."

Their fighting wasn't ended by a win or loss by either of them, it was stopped when Master Windu stepped into the training room.

"Chun, Kenobi!" Master Windu snapped in a tone that made them stop immediately, "Come with me."

"Master Windu-"

"Master Windu-"

"Now."

With no chance to argue, the boys picked themselves up off the floor and sulked after the Korunnai master. A bad feeling settled in your gut as you watched the boys go. Whether it was a warning from the Force or your own anxiety you weren't sure. All you knew is that things weren't going to be okay.

Later that day you found out that Obi-Wan was sent to join the AgriCorps. Out of all the Corps branches he was sent to the AgriCorps. He could have done well in one of the other branches, one that actually utilized his brilliant mind. Being sent to the AgriCorps was more of a punishment than actually being sent away.

Bruck was allowed to stay at the Temple because he hadn't yet aged out and hadn't shown "aggressive tendencies" in the past. If that was the biggest piece of bantha crap you'd ever heard then you didn't know what was.

~*~

Three days later, Obi-Wan walked back into the Temple with Qui-Gon Jinn. Even with all of the Jedi around you, you could easily pick Obi-Wan out of all of their lights.

"Obi-Wan's back!" You told Master Plo excitedly, setting down the datapad you were studying. When you looked at your Master, you saw a knowing look, "You knew, didn't you?"

"The Council was notified that Qui Gon chose Obi-Wan as his Padawan, yes."

"And you didn't tell me?"

"I thought it could be a surprise. You may be done with studying today. Go see him."

"Thank you, Master!"

Jumping up, you bounded out of your shared quarters with your Master and down the halls of the Temple. When you passed other Jedi, you slowed your speed slightly, but slowing down didn't stop your excitement.

You found Obi-Wan waiting outside the Council chambers, where Qui Gon was likely giving a report inside.

"Obi-Wan!" You tackled him in a hug, relishing in the overwhelming light that his presence gave off, "You're back! I couldn't contact you until you were actually with the Corps, and even then I wasn't sure if you'd want to talk to me. But now Qui Gon chose you as his Padawan and you're back!"

Blinking, Obi-Wan took a few seconds to process your rapidly spoken words, "Yes, I'm back. I assisted Master Qui Gon with a dire situation and he decided to take me on as his Padawan after I proved my worth."

You frowned, "I know Master Yoda was trying to push you two together, but it shouldn't have taken a dire situation to have him accept you. What happened?"

"Obi-Wan," Qui Gon stepped out, looking at you and smiling, "Padawan (Y/n), how lovely to see you."

"And you as well, Master Qui Gon. I heard Obi-Wan was back and wanted to see him. I assume you're about to present him to the Council?"

"That would be correct."

"Then I'll leave you to it. Obi-Wan, if you have the time later then stop by mine and Master Plo's rooms. You can tell me what happened then. I'm glad you're back."

~*~*~*~

Things didn't end for the two of you after that.

There was a situation on a mission with Master Plo where you ingested a plant that was apparently extremely toxic to Othas. As a result, you were stuck in the healing halls for a week in critical condition, and another two weeks after that recovering. Obi-Wan always found the time to visit you in-between lessons.

Then Obi-Wan was captured by Qui Gon's turned dark ex-Padawan and sent to slave mines on Bandomeer. He was there for two months, and the entire time your anxiety was dominating your Force presence. No amount of meditating could relax you. When he was eventually returned home, you refused to leave his side. Both of your masters ignored the blatant attachment and instead trained the two of you together until you were ready to separate again.

On a mission to a Sith temple to obtain several reportedly non-malicious scrolls about Dark Side usage, you were separated from your Master and captured by the locals on the planet. You spent a week with them, learning more about the Dark Side than the scrolls could even begin to tell you. They took your escape attempts as a game and treated you rather well. When Master Plo tracked you down, the two of you managed to broker a treaty with the locals. Obi-Wan was mortified when you told him the - slightly altered - version of events and lectured you for what felt like hours. When he finally stopped, the two of you went to a hole in the wall diner called Dex's together to decompress. In the future, both of you would call that your first date.

After that was a situation with Xanatos (Qui Gon's ex-Padawan) and Bruck Chun. You were away on a mission at the time, but when you returned Obi-Wan told you everything. While Xanatos was attempting to assassinate Yoda, Bruck had chained Bant at the bottom of a pool to kill her and prove himself to Xanatos. To save her, Obi-Wan entered a duel with Bruck. It ended with the two of them on the edge of one of the waterfalls in the Temple. Bruck fell off the edge and didn't survive. Whilst Qui Gon didn't deem it necessary for Obi-Wan to see mind healers after that, you did. So you practically dragged him to the Halls of Healing to have at least one session with a mind healer. He had a few more after that to deal with the guilt and trauma, and he actually thanked you for it.

Nearly two years after Obi-Wan was taken as Qui Gon's apprentice (and two after you were taken as Master Plo's), Obi-Wan left the Order. When the news spread around the Temple after Qui Gon returned from a mission to Melida/Daan, you were more confused than anything. Obi-Wan had dedicated his life to the Order, he would die for it, so what had changed? The answer came when Obi-Wan holo-called you from Melida/Daan later that night. After a stern chewing out from you, he explained that he was helping a movement of children try and stop the civil war. Immediately after the call, you went to your Master. Obi-Wan was insane if he thought you were going to let him handle that on his own. As if. Master Plo presented the case to the Council and they sent several Jedi to deal with the situation. Obi-Wan returned two weeks later and was immediately both welcomed back to the order and taken back as Qui-Gon's apprentice (you assumed it was so he could avoid backlash. He didn't tell the Council everything that was going on, after all).

When the two of you were sixteen both of you and your masters were sent to protect Satine Kyrze. Mandalore was in the middle of a civil war at the time, and the Republic wished for Satine to lead- which required protection from both sides. At first, you and Satine hated each other for the same reason: liking Obi-Wan, but as time went on and the two of you faced countless dangers together you set aside superficial clashing in favor of much more philosophical issues. Despite working under the Republic you were extremely nervous about how Satine's hopeful policies would affect Mandalorian culture as a whole- specifically traditional Mandalorians who didn't deserve banishment for their beliefs. However, Satine was resolute in her beliefs and you left hoping that she would take care of all of her people. She truly cared for Mandalore, just not the warrior's culture that you grew to love during your time there

Through all your adventures, all your mishaps, and all of your struggles, the two of you were always there for each other in one way or another. It was a trend that wouldn't stop even as time went on and the two of you entered your twenties- becoming Senior Padawans. The stories in the Temple were of your impeccable teamwork, not of your strong attachment for each other. That was due to some masterful behind the scenes manipulation.

In the end, however, the two of you were just that- two people. You had your lineages and your friends, but there wasn't the same "we're so connected we're definitely breaking the Code" feeling about your relationships with them. However, a Sith playing chess with people's lives would change all of that very soon.