***note: gwen isn't dead in this universe and she's still played by emma stone k bye***

CHAPTER THREE:
LOGAN'S ARMS ARE LITERALLY THE SIZE OF KETTI'S HEAD

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KETTI DID NOT WANT TO TALK TO PETER FUCKING PARKER'S LYING ASS AGAIN.

But then again, she couldn't really be mad that he lied to her.

It was a huge secret and according to Gwen, who called her right after, she had only found out after a debacle in high school, and it wasn't even intentional.

Peter didn't like people knowing.

Peter was pretty sure she was hurt because Deadpool knew before she did. How was that fair?

Either fucking way, she didn't want to hear from, see, or talk to Peter stupid Parker again.

And then fucking Hot and Dumbass showed up at her doorstep like it's a free for fucking all.

"Suuuurprise!" Deadpool exclaimed when Ketti opened the door.

"He dragged me into this."

"You have got to be shitting me."

"Believe it or not, that is where I draw the line," Deadpool commented. "Not really my thing, but if you're into it we can give it a try."

"God, what the fuck?" Ketti asked, face crinkling in disgust. "Dude, no."

"She wants me," Deadpool spoke up.

(She absolutely does, my kitty baby.)

"I absolutely do not," Ketti replied, crossing her arms. "What the fuck do you guys want?"

"You have to forgive the kid," Logan sighed. "He's getting on my nerves."

"Oh, well, since you asked so nicely," Ketti rolled her eyes. "Dude, you're totally smash-able, but stay out of my business."

"It's our business when he mopes around at our place."

"You guys live together?" Ketti asked with a frown.

"Duh," Deadpool exclaimed. "With Blind Al and Dogpool."

"Dogpool?" Ketti raised her eyebrows. "Seriously?"

"She's from the Void where me and Logan went on an adventure and stopped Charles Xavier's sister from taking over the multiverse!"

(Go watch the fucking movie, I'm not gonna sit here and recap.)

Ketti blinked at the forced enthusiasm in his voice. And his bizarre words.

"It's a long story," Logan supplied. "Now the animal lives with us."

"Okay, why do I even care?" Ketti asked, then shook her head. "I don't. What do you guys want?"

"To forgive Peter because he's fucking annoying when he's sad and I hate admitting that I care about something other than myself."

"Wow, that was really big of you," Ketti raised her eyebrows. "I'm almost proud of that sentence."

"Let's not tell anyone, mmkay?"

(If I admit my weakness, then everyone will know I secretly do care about people and that would be a huge problem because my whole anti-hero shtick relies on the opposite of that. Except for Dogpool. I will literally burn every single human being to the ground before I let my dog fucking die, okay? That includes you Disney, don't think you can monopolize my dog into some sob story. I will come for you, Feige.)

Ketti sighed. "I can't forgive Peter because—"

"—Spare us the dilemma, we don't actually care," Deadpool interjected. "Just forgive him. Kay?"

Ketti opened her mouth to reply but with a nod from Logan and a twirl — what the fuck was wrong with this guy? — from Deadpool, the — couple? Pair? Friends? She didn't fucking know (or care, really) — were leaving.

"Fucking weirdos."

—

Ketti couldn't hold a grudge to save her life.

(This will come into play later — remember this, guys. I'm dropping hints like fucking Dora the Explorer. Váminos, everyone! Get to the shit-show island!)

So it was only natural that seven hours into her supposed "fight" with Peter — which was really a one-sided cold face and a guilty, moping superhero on the other — she texted him the Taylor Swift lyrics "hey, it's me, all in my head. I'm the one who burned us down. But it's not what I meant. Sorry that I hurt you."

And the matter was put to rest.

(Wow, they're fucking nerds. Hi, T! Hope you're enjoying the Eras tour. Blake's loving it.)

Peter explained in a FaceTime how much he actually hated Deadpool, though Logan was alright, just gruff and "kind of super scary just stay away from him Ketti, I think he'd break your face if you looked at him wrong but then again maybe not he seemed to like you. Either way, anyone who hangs out with Deadpool has a red flag."

To which she pointed out that he hangs out with Deadpool.

To which, he responded that she hung out with him and he works with Deadpool, so they're both red-flag adjacent.

(God, all this Gen Z slang is giving me a headache.)

Then, one thing led to another and some-fucking-how, Ketti ends up in the back of a Range Rover — which apparently Deadpool fucking hates, but Logan bought to spite him (are they actually together? Ketti isn't even fucking sure but she's too scared to ask Logan and Deadpool can't say anything without a horrible innuendo) — with Peter (dressed in his Spider-Man ensemble) next to her, and Hot and Dumbass in the front seat.

(Does she call us this in bed? Sometimes. She can be very "mommy" coded if you know what I mean. Homelander would enjoy it — if you know what I'm saying.)

And fucking Deadpool wouldn't shut up the whole drive, Logan's gripping the steering wheel with the most irritated look on his handsome — god how can one man be that FINE — face, Peter's just watching Ketti warily, and it's getting on her fucking nerves, and her battery fucking died because she's an idiot who forgets to charge it.

(This has led to at least a dozen missed calls from Peter at one point, and a very antsy Logan at least 75% of the time who believes every day that she'll randomly get kidnapped and murdered. I just follow her around, it's a perfectly healthy relationship.)

"Isn't this a great family road trip?" Deadpool asked, looking around the back seat. "You guys are great. It's like our children, only one of them is the one I want to sandwich between me and Logan, and the other one I sometimes try to kill. Can you guess which is which?"

(Point to the correct option, kids! Dora needs help.)

"Does he literally ever shut up?"

"No."

Peter and Logan said in response.

"Aw, guys, you know me so well!" Deadpool pretended to wipe a tear from his mask. "We should get matching tattoos, celebrate our friendship. I'll draw the circumcised penis and you guys get the—"

"—Oh my god, dude, shut up!"

"If you stick a gag in my mouth, sometimes I don't talk around it," Deadpool replied easily. "I'll even promise not to come the first time like a good little boy."

Ketti's face reddened, glancing to an entirely unamused Logan in the front seat, and sunk further into her own.

"What's wrong, kitten? Don't think we haven't noticed you eying up Logan. Don't worry, I won't tell him, he's used to it. You should see him shirtless, it really—"

Logan cut him off by punching his side with claws like a fucking animal.

Ketti jumped in her seat. "What's that?" She asked with wide eyes.

"Oh, Logan's actually The Wolverine," Peter informed her casually. "He's got these adamantium claws that can destroy pretty much anything and sometimes he does that to Wade to shut him up."

"Does it work?" Ketti asked hopefully.

"It just gives me a boner," Deadpool sighed in content. "God, I love our foreplay. Kitty, tell me: knives or ropes?"

(She likes both, actually, my kinky little kitten. Tied up and Logan's claws drawing blood — she's one naughty little thing. I love it.)

"What the — fucking, neither!" Ketti exclaimed in mild horror. (Liar, liar, pants on fire.) "Neither," Ketti affirmed. "Dude, I'm — I'm — how is this conversation even happening right now?"

"Ketti has a boyfriend," Peter blurted out, glancing to Ketti to hopefully get the conversation shifted.

(She did not have a fucking boyfriend and we all know this by the way she's ogling Logan's arms. This really just pisses me off. Can't a guy find love in a pretty, perfect little thing like Ketti and not have his friends lie to dismiss the shocking comments he makes in hopes of impressing her?)

"Do you?" Logan asked, speaking up for the first time.

Ketti and Peter exchanged a not-so-fucking-subtle look, both of them trying not to make it obvious how much Peter had fucked her chances of being with the hot older man.

"I—yes," Ketti squeaked, wanting to stop Deadpool's innuendos more than she wanted to bang Logan.

Okay, it was a tie.

She really really really fucking wanted to bang Logan.

Logan didn't respond, just made a left turn in silence.

Deadpool was quiet.

It was fucking nice.

Or a sign of the apocalypse.

No one was sure.

"That's a fucking lie."

Oh, fuck, it was nice while it lasted.

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I told you this has like 2% plot I just want to build up tension before they decide to fuck. don't worry about everyone in the cast list, they'll all come soon enough. am i gonna make her & Johnny fuck? Probably because it's Jensen Ackles don't tempt me.
but this is primarily a poolverine x oc fic so don't worry, just shenanigans until then.
hope you're enjoying this absolute wreck of a book hahaha