****parenthesis are Deadpool's thought bubbles/fourth wall breaks!!!****

CHAPTER ONE:
THE UBER RIDE FROM FUCKING HELL

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IT KIND OF FUCKING STARTED BY ACCIDENT.

(That could describe my entire existence, really.)

Ketti had kind of a bad week. She got a new car (thanks Johnny) but it was totaled not four days later because some asshole decided to try and break into her car.

Again.

(So in an attempt to stop him, she fucking pummeled the guy, and I'm talking big punches like that girl does not hold back—)

And three broken bones and a car that wouldn't start up again, Ketti's walking through Hell's Kitchen like nothing even happened.

(But she doesn't have insurance — get your shit together America — so the broken bones are gonna suck. Poor baby.)

Too bad she works on the other side, and doesn't have the time to try and hail a cab.

(Buckle up, guys, this is the good part. It's where I come in.)

So she sent for an Uber, which is the logical thing to do. Waited outside a dingy little sub-sandwich station (which would later become our favorite place to eat but we'll get there) and then up rolls the dinkiest fucking ride you've ever seen in your life.

"I'm not really an Uber driver," was the first thing out of some fucking masked-up weirdo in the front seat. "I'm doing a test drive for a friend. Hop in, I'll show you around."

Fuck it.

Ketti got in the back seat and what she thought would become the normal, I-Stay-On-My-Phone-And-We-Don't-Talk thing, was instead...the complete opposite.

(I think that's supposed to be a compliment, thank you author.)

"Okay, gonna have to make a pitstop," the guy said. "I'm Deadpool, but you probably already know that—"

"—I don't."

"Well, ya do now, sweetcheeks." The masked man made a hard left turn — are they driving on the sidewalk? (Yes, because fuck pedestrian laws, if they're fast enough they can move.)

"Dude, whaaaat the fuck?" Ketti sat up straighter, looking outside with wide eyes, clinging to the underside of her seat. "This is — you're — get on the road! Like a normal person!"

"Don't sweat it, we're perfectly safe. Just a few extra speedbumps."

"People are not speedbumps!"

"Ten points if I hit them as they leave a store."

"You are so getting a one-star rating!"

"That's not what your mother said last night, go ahead, call her and see."

Ketti watched in absolute flabbergasted shock as this maniac drove her on the sidewalk, swerved around eight people — in a car that still had the paper plate from the dealership — and promptly avoided all traffic.

Until the bank was getting robbed.

"Oh, this looks like fun."

"What, no-no, you can't just—"

The car stopped, Deadpool fucking left her with a "keep it running, babycakes!" and swaggered into the bank.

Red and black spandex, two katanas, and a fucking t-shirt reading "I LOVE NEW YORK" over the front of it, what the fuck was this guy on?

Ketti watched him disappear into the bank, then sat in silence for approximately thirty seconds.

Then a man went flying out the window, blood splattering the glass and painting the sidewalk red. A lady screamed. Some guy immediately ushered children away.

Another guy went flying out the other glass, head first into the window of the car. Ketti looked at him, the man looked at her.

They both screamed.

Ketti got out and didn't even bother shutting the door, tripped over broken glass, and barely caught herself, then started to walk away — and get fucking lost from this fucking weirdo.

But fate had other plans.

A second guy in spandex literally swings down from the sky and runs smack into her, sending her into the bank through the now broken window.

"I'm so sorry!" The new spandex guy exclaimed — was that fucking Spider-Man? The guy from the news? "I didn't mean to do that, Ke—ma'am, are you okay?"

(Wink, wink, nudge nudge. Pay attention, kids, this is where the FUN begins.)

Ketti looked at him with wide eyes but before she could talk a human head was flung and landed on her lap.

Ketti screamed again.

"Oh, man, don't — oh, man!" Spider-Man exclaimed and quickly pulled the head off of her, tossing it behind him like it was nothing.

Not a human head.

(Get back to me, I'm doing badass things and you're totally missing them.)

Spider-Man offered Ketti a hand up which she begrudgingly took and then looked at the mess in front of her.

Was this guy...dancing?

God, what the fuck was she on? This had to be an acid trip or something because what the actual fuck. Who dances while they kill people?

And to what music?

"Oh, hey, Spidey!"

Spider-Man sighed next to her, shaking his head and running his hand over his mask.

Ketti got the feeling this wasn't the first time something like this had happened.

"And you brought the pretty girl in!" Deadpool adds, kicking a guy in the face. "Join the fun, guys, the water's warm. And that's not just because I creamed my pants."

Ketti's head tilted to the side as Deadpool sliced the final guy in half, tossing a duffel bag — of what she assumed had money in it — over the counter to a very shocked, covered in blood man.

"Let's go, guys," Deadpool nodded, skipped in his walk, and slung an arm over both Ketti and Spider-Man. "So, sugar, you doing anything right now?"

Ketti felt like she was dreaming. Or tripping. Or maybe dying. Or all three. This guy was a fucking lunatic and Spider-Man had flung her into a wall and —

"Dude, let the girl go." Spider-Man chastised Deadpool, moving from under his arm. "Ma'am, do you need a ride home? I have a friend who has a taxi service and—"

"—Am I on drugs?"

Deadpool snorted. "If you are, share them. I'm pretty sure Blind Al stole the rest of my booger sugar."

Spider-Man shook his head at Deadpool and looked back to Ketti. "I'm so sorry for this experience today — are you wearing a t-shirt?" He stopped himself, looking to Deadpool.

"Oh, yeah, like it?" Deadpool looked it over. "It got — man, there's blood on it. I just bought this. Took Logan to see the Statue of Liberty — and he did not wanna climb to the top of her breasts and honk them, he's such a buzzkill."

"Take it off, you don't — you look ridiculous."

"I know you're jealous of my relationship with Logan, but we're open to a third. He's not really into you though, so it might be a problem, but with the right encouragement and proper healthy understanding of a throuple, I think we can really—"

"—I have a girlfriend, Wade!"

"So, bring her too." Deadpool shrugged. "And this girl." He looked back to Ketti, holding out his hand for, what, a fucking introduction? "We got off on the weird foot, sorry, had to stop a bank robbery. I'm kind of a hero around here."

"There was a head in my lap," Ketti blinked.

"And I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but it could have been worse. Sometimes I go for gentials."

"Oh my god," Ketti breathed out, looking between Spider-Man and Deadpool. "You...guys just...do whatever the fuck...it is you do," she said slowly, backing away. "And I'm gonna...go far...away...from here."

She smiled nervously and broke into a run.

(God, look at her little ass go. So perky and delicious. She is so cute when she's leaving.)

"Do you think she'll give me her number?"

Spider-Man sighed.

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HA okay so this is literally a train wreck and I've never written like this before but it's fun and super messy and that's kind of just how deadpool is??? hopefully it's okay idk