Lani POV:

- thirteen years ago -

It had been happening for a while. I just never told anybody.

The attacks started when I was six or seven years old. My fingers would tingle, and my heart would race. I'd lose a grasp on reality, and it felt like untamed static had taken over my brain.

Normally, it only happened at school when.....certain people came around. It would also happen at home, specifically when my parents were there.

But, after a while, it started happening over....everything. I couldn't even pick something from the vending machine without the world crashing down around me. It was ridiculous, really. To be that emotional, that overcome by such normal things.

I hoped that if I just ignored the feeling, eventually, things would get better.

However, it was simply wishful thinking. Four years later, and the world only got harder, my symptoms more intense. More crippling.

Right now, I felt so silly for crying, clutching my chest tightly as I sat on the medical table. I couldn't help it because....it was just...terrifying. Being unable to breathe. Being so dizzy, so out of control without a logical reason. I didn't understand, and no one else did either. That just made it worse.

My parents sat off to the side, observing me like I was a circus monkey. They didn't know what was wrong when they found me hunched over in the bathroom after school. They had no idea that hyperventilating was practically part of my daily routine, that I had a bad habit of hiding when it happened to make sure they'd never find me so....so...

Pathetic.

But, tonight, they caught me, figuring if I was ill, I might pass the bug to Raiga. That was the only reason they took me to the doctor—not without a symphony of their groveling and labored sighs, of course.

I was always jealous of my brother. From the moment he was born, it was like the sun had come out from behind the clouds for the first time. He was the golden child, and that was definitely no secret. He got a different side of my parents, one I was never allowed to know. Even empathy has its favorites, I suppose.

If it was Raiga crying at the doctor, mom would hug him and stroke his hair. But, I was alone, even if my parents were here, in this room with me, I only had myself.

That's all I've ever come to know.

I gasped desperately as tears streamed down my face, feeling the doctor remove my arms from my chest to listen to my heart. His brows knit together in thought at the wracking of my pulse, confirming my vitals on his clipboard before coming to a consensus.

"Okay. Well, physically, she's perfectly healthy." He reassured my parents with a smile.

Most parents would be happy and relieved to hear that.

But, my mom threw her hands up impatiently, looking at my dad before the two scoffed. I already knew what they'd say, and it's the reason I've never told them about my attacks in the first place. To them, time is precious. Especially when I take up too much of it.

"So she's faking it?" Mom shook her head, already gathering up her purse to leave. "Oh my god. Lani, do you understand the consequences of faking an illness? You wasted everyone's time for nothing."

"Oh. Well hold on just a moment." The doctor held up a hand, causing my dad to furrow his brows in annoyance. "I said she's physically healthy. But, I believe there's still an issue at hand to be dealt with here."

Dread weighed heavily in the pit of my stomach. In other words, he's saying there's still something wrong with me. My first thought wasn't about what that could possibly be, but rather, what my parents would think. I've already disappointed them so much, the thought of giving them another reason to fault me feels unbearable.

Begrudgingly, my mom sat back down, glaring at me before the doctor stood before her, "Mr. and Mrs. Hidaka, I believe that your daughter....has a severe anxiety disorder."

Silence consumed the room. I didn't understand the extent of what the doctor was saying, so I looked at my parents immediately, deciding how I should feel about something like...that. Mom rolled her eyes and suddenly, it felt like the sky was falling again. Shame and embarrassment sunk into my chest, creating a hollow pit of despair.

"Oh, give me a break." She ridiculed, shaking her head in disbelief.

"P-Pardon?" The doctor furrowed his brows in surprise, causing my mother to wave him off.

"This is ridiculous. She's eleven years old. What could she possibly have to be anxious about?"

I balled my fists tightly as my dad bore his disappointed eyes at me. I picked at my thumbnail harshly, something I only started doing recently. I was happy that it hurt. I deserved it.

The doctor blinked a few times, looking at my parents before back at me, head hung low as I sat on the medical table in silence. "Maybe you two don't understand. Anxiety doesn't always have a cause. It can appear at any time for any reason. But, sometimes there's a trigger. Has anything been going on at home?" He asked, before turning to me. "Or, maybe at school?"

The static in my brain felt unbearable now from the mere mention of school. I opened my mouth to speak before my mom cleared her throat, causing me to look at her in question. She was subtly shaking her head, and I could see tinges of embarrassment on her face now. Embarrassment....because of me.

It felt like I couldn't get any lower. In the eyes of my parents, I was already a lost cause. So, I figured if I had the ability to control at least one thing and please them, I'd do it.

"No." I said, looking back at the doctor. "Everything's...fine."

Mom sighed in relief, but the validation was only short lived as she waved me off. "See? She's an attention seeker, doctor. That's all this is."

The doctor nodded hesitantly, looking unconvinced as he gave my defeated frame a side glance, "Uh-huh.......well, if you want to be a hundred percent sure, I know an exceptional child psychologist. And, perhaps, a small dose of medication would-"

"My goodness." Dad shook his head, rising to his feet with a heavy sigh. "A shrink? Medication? Ugh, Lani. Look what you've done."

It was the equivalent of committing a murder in their eyes. The worst part, was the entire situation was out of my control. I couldn't stop the attacks or control when they happened, but still, my parents despised me for it.

They also despised when I cried, so I blinked rapidly, trying to clear the tears away from my eyes with a desperate amount of haste. The thought of them seeing me cry after everything I've put them through tonight feels sickening to my psyche.

Mom rolled her eyes subtly as the doctor handed her the referral sheet for courses of treatment, giving him a small nod, "We'll talk with her on the way home, doctor, and see if this is something she actually needs."

The doctor smiled warily and gave me another glance, patting my shoulder softly before walking out.

Once he was gone, mom immediately crumpled the treatment paper in her hand, tossing it in the trash.

And while I couldn't control what was happening to my body on the inside, I desperately tried to control it on the outside.

Because if I have to suffer like this, the least I can do is hide it from everyone else. No one wants to see this, no one needs to know how pathetic I am.

I tried to be strong, balling my clammy fists together before giving them my best smile. Their eyes burned into me, both of them looking completely apathetic and unimpressed by my futile attempts.

"Not so 'anxious' now, I see." My mom said coldly, immediately looking away from me.

My smile cracked and I felt the tears starting to well in my eyes once more. Dad pinched the bridge of his nose and groaned knowingly upon seeing my wavering face, snapping his fingers harshly.

"Lani, give it up already, Jesus!" He exclaimed sternly, rising from his chair. "Is this because you're trying to get our attention? Do you know how difficult it is to parent two children? One of whom is set to become an Olympian someday? You're the eldest, already eleven years old. You should be more independent than this!"

I couldn't speak even if I wanted to. My brain had become scrambled, it felt like I was chewing sandpaper, and my body was heightened by an amount of stress I wished would have killed me. Dad's patience had thinned down to the wire, muttering something under his breath before leaving the room.

My mom walked over to me now, leaning in closer yet refusing to look at my face. "You're already difficult enough, Lani. Don't make our lives harder than they need to be. For the good of this family, please—toughen up." She scoffed, brushing past me towards the door.

*

'Toughen up.'

I stumbled through the Todoroki manor as my mother's words echoed into my head. It's been years since that day, but her face....her voice....her sheer disappointment....all of it was branded like a tattoo on my brain.

The tingling in my hands had spread to my legs and my stiff neck as I desperately searched for a bathroom. Fuyumi had told me where it was, at least, I think she did. But, the untamed static had taken over my senses, making me feel like I was walking through a pool of gelatinous water.

This house was so damn big, I had no idea where I was, just thankful it was empty in this area as I clutched onto the hallway wall—clawing it desperately as the dizziness became unbearable. Vaguely, I felt a doorknob within my reach and I pulled on it immediately, practically tripping into the room face first. 

Like everything in this place, the room was spotless. It wasn't a bathroom like I'd hoped for, as it had a bed, and a desk, and all the makings of a bedroom. But, during moments like these, a private, quiet space was more than enough.

Finally alone, I collapsed on the floor at the end of the bed, forced to ride out the painful spirals of a panic attack.

"Toughen up..." I whispered to myself, closing my eyes as I curled into the fetal position. "C'mon. What are you fucking doing right now..."

My pride was shot to hell, and somehow, that hurt more than the physical pain shooting off inside my body. My first thoughts were of Shouto and if he sensed something was going on with me. Then the Todorokis—they must think I'm a massive freak. Don't even get me started on what the Yaoyorozus must've thought with me running outta there and suffocating...

I don't know what happened. It had been a long time since I'd let my anxiety get the better of me like this—in public, anyways. It's not like it ever really went away.

After my 'diagnosis,' my parents were convinced I was being dramatic, and over time, I'd convinced myself of this as well, forever living in a combination of denial and self-loathing. For years, I've lived in a vicious cycle of denying it, only for my emotions to simmer over and spiral into attacks like these, completely out of my control.

It's real, and I hate myself more for it every single day.

I'd managed to keep the attacks hidden from everyone else, never allowing myself to crack until I was alone. Because the idea of showing anyone this side of me....this shameful....embarrassing side, was unthinkable.

This is the first time since I've been a child that I've allowed an attack to get the better of me in public. I desperately hoped no one noticed, but I bet they did. I know they did. Everyone thinks I'm pathetic, I know it. Everyone thinks I'm a failure, just like mom and dad.

Fuck them. Fuck myself. Fuck everything and everyone—

I grimaced as my body punished me with a sharp ringing in my ears, clutching my head and curling into a tighter ball. The truth of who I really was, who I'd been hiding from everyone—myself included, unraveled from my soul like ribbons.

God, I'm so ashamed. So fucking embarrassed.

The self deprecation. The paranoid anxiety. The possibility that all of my fears were actually true...

Nobody truly wants to accept the weakest version of themselves.

But, reality never tasted so sickening. No, I really haven't changed a bit, have I?

Mom. Dad. Yuna. The Yaoyorozus. All of them....

...are right about me.

*

Shouto POV: - a few moments earlier -

"If you'll excuse me, I need to use the restroom." Lani said, looking at my sister with a smile. "Where is it?"

Lani was casual, composed, and quite honestly, she looked more bored by the conversation than upset about anything Momo's mother said. No one thought anything out of the ordinary when she excused herself. I wonder if she understood that.

But....I knew Lani. I knew her better than anyone at this table, and....I'd like to think that maybe, just maybe, I knew her better than most people, too. My eyes went to her fingers immediately, because I know her bad habits, I've committed them to my memory. And, as expected, her thumbnail was bleeding—a lot. She had it tucked behind her other fingers, gripping a napkin tightly that was already soaked with blood.

"Oh, sure." Fuyumi craned her neck to look past the kitchen, pointing her finger with directions. "It's just outside the living room, three doors on the left."

Lani nodded laxly and patted Fuyumi's shoulder, "Thanks." She said, giving the room a nonchalant grin before waltzing out of the kitchen.

I watched her go, feeling my mouth open as she brushed past me, but not a single word came out. Because....I've never been good at this. At saying the right things and having....empathy. I don't even know what Lani's truly thinking right now, or if I'm even correct in assuming she's not okay. I don't have enough experience in recognizing the emotions from others to be certain.

I sighed softly as tried to figure out what to do. If it were anyone else, I'd stay here and probably already have forgotten it. I know that's what I'm supposed to do. Because everyone has always decided things for me, and I know for certain everyone would want me to stay here.

But, in my personal opinion, that's not what I want to do. Because even though words are just words, what Mrs. Yaoyorozu said about Lani still has my body smoking from the inside out. Literally. I....I was so angry in a way I haven't been in a long time.

I realize I don't like when people speak badly of her. Whether it's Bakugo, or Mrs. Yaoyorozu, or even a stranger, Lani doesn't deserve to be treated that way, and I guess....that's a new way to really upset me.

Momo's mother scoffed at Lani's leave, turning to Mr. Yaoyorozu with a smile on her tight lips, "How rude is that to get up in the middle of a dinner. I've never met someone so unprofessional."

My eyes fell closed and smoke exhaled from my nostrils upon hearing her laugh. The heat of my...anger continued to, quite literally, rise in my veins. In my personal opinion, Momo and her parents have taken things too far tonight, and I no longer wish to continue the conversation with them. I don't even want to be around them, or in the same vicinity.

And, regardless of what they think, or what I thought during my relationship with the Yaoyorozus up until this point, I have the choice to decide what happens next. This is my home.

The legs of my chair skidded harshly across the wood as I stood up, looking directly at Mr. Yaoyorozu, "I think it's best you leave. All of you." I said, realizing I've been wanting to say that all night.

Fuyumi's dumpling slipped from her chopsticks now, looking at me with wide eyes. Dad sat back in his chair, narrowing his eyes in silence as he watched the exchange. No one said a word for a long time before Mrs. Yaoyorozu laughed again and placed a hand to her chest.

"Excuse me, dear?"

"Shouto..." Momo uttered quietly, grabbing ahold of my wrist.

And I know I was supposed to reciprocate—um...per the contract, but I was at my limit for the night with her and her family. So I tore my arm out of Momo's grasp, causing her to gasp as I pointed at the door again. "Please leave. Now. Someone else will show you out."

I felt my impatience getting the better of me as the three of them didn't move. In a way, this exchange felt like the summation of my entire relationship with Momo for the last few years. Never heard. Never taken seriously. Never listened to. The feeling is no different when speaking with her parents.

Mr. Yaoyorozu actually leaned back in his seat to get more comfortable, and maybe if I could decipher facial expressions better, I'd be able to know what he was trying to convey with that action.

"We're only halfway through dinner. Have a seat, Mr. Todoroki." He smiled, tilting his head at me before waving his hand. "It would be incredibly poor taste for you to walk out on us now. Especially after everything my daughter's done for your career in a matter of one single week."

I pinched the bridge of my nose and tried to keep my composure. I was just so tired of hearing it, about Momo and all the things she'd done for me. No one seemed to understand that I never asked her to do any of it, that I didn't even want it in the first place.

The truth was slipping off the tip of my tongue without my consent, and I knew that maybe I might regret what I wanted to say. I didn't know how it would affect hero season, or the work I'm doing with Lani. But, in the moment I didn't care. It was weird, to not think about logic, but rather...act emotionally. I'm not used to it....which is probably why I couldn't stay quiet...

"I never asked Momo to do any of that. We.......we aren't even really together anymore." The words poured out of my mouth without consent. "I broke up with her months ago, she just begged me not to tell you—"

"—Shouto!!" Momo stood up with a scream.

"I beg your pardon—" Mrs. Yaoyorozu grit through her teeth before Fuyumi slapped a hand over her mouth.

Dad slammed his hand on the table to quiet everyone down, and I rolled my eyes as he stood up, fully expecting for him to take me through another one of his senile, poor-attempt-at-being-a-father lectures. Like everyone else, he always liked Momo because of her status and what she represented. I'm sure he's furious about everything I've just admitted. And that's fine with me. The more upset I can make him, the better.

But...

"My son asked you to leave." He said to the Yaoyorozus, causing me to raise my brows in surprise. "And...given the way things have turned out tonight, I...think that's best as well. Fuyumi will show you to the door."

Mr. Yaoyorozus face looked blank as he hesitated for a few more seconds, before finally rising to his feet. "Come on you, two. We'll leave the Todorokis be. For now."

He gave dad a smile that didn't reach his eyes and walked towards the front door with Mrs. Yaoyorozu following behind him. Momo stood up in exasperation, gritting her teeth at me with a look I recognized as anger before she left, knocking into my shoulder along the way.

Dad, Fuyumi, and I were the only ones that remained at the dinner table before Natsuo chuckled. "I knew it." He shook his head, looking proud of himself.

I furrowed my brows in question. I don't know what he...'knew.' And I didn't care to ask him.

Instead, I quickly walked out of the kitchen, trying to follow that familiar scent of oranges and lilies.

***
A/N: PSA to let you know if you're struggling with mental health challenges, you are not alone ❤️