Shouto POV:

"Who was he?" I asked again once the mysterious man was gone, causing Lani to sigh.

Her mouth opened and closed a few times like she was searching for an answer—and I didn't realize it would be so hard for her to explain. She scoffed and hesitantly walked back into her apartment, leaving the door open for me to follow inside.

"An ex of mine. Still a...friend...unfortunately. For now. But, nothing happened between us last night. Trust me on that." She said almost disgusted, and I could see that she was being truthful.

It put me at just a little bit of ease and allowed my shoulders to soften, closing her apartment door behind me once I was inside. I also locked it so the man couldn't get back in...

But, even so, I still felt the tension from last night and this morning creeping into my mood. I'm never one to usually fight with people unless that person is my father. I never really care enough about anything to speak about it so intentionally. I really didn't even know how to start fights if I'm being honest.

But, I wasn't happy with Lani. And...I don't know....I guess I was in the mood to let her know that. I guess...well, that's a fight then, right?

"Did he take your phone, or something? Is...is that why you didn't respond to my messages and calls?" I asked a bit annoyed.

My voice was taking on the same tone it does when I speak to dad. He says it's sarcastic and rude. And I imagine that's how it sounds to Lani now because she looked back at me and rolled her eyes, and her nose scrunched up in the same way it does whenever she finds me annoying.

"No, he didn't take my phone. I just didn't respond to you." She scoffed, walking into her kitchen. "You seemed a little preoccupied last night, so I didn't think you'd notice."

My brows furrowed as I tried to replay the events of last night. The events that would make her think I was...preoccupied? But, all that comes up are my internal thoughts. My internal feelings about her, her, her. Everything in my mind, everything that preoccupied me was about her, and I physically couldn't think about anything else.

"You thought I was...preoccupied?" I shook my head slightly bewildered as I followed her into the small kitchen. "With what?"

"Oh, come on, Shouto." She kept her back to me. "Even you're not that dense. The kiss. Which I'm sure led to something more once I was out of the picture. Surprising, I didn't realize you felt so strongly about Ella."

My eyes fell slightly as I wasn't aware Lani even saw the kiss. It was a rather quick and uneventful kiss, but still, her voice sounded bitter and distant like I'd done something wrong. It sounded much like how I just felt a few moments ago, when the man, Eiichi, was here in her apartment. When he put his arm around her and slept over with her...

And I think I feel that way because I feel certain emotions for Lani now. So, if she didn't like seeing me with another woman...

What does that mean? Could it mean anything?

Lani opened her cupboards and reached for a cup on the top shelf that was just out of her hold, cursing as she stood on her tip toes to grab it. I blinked out of my thoughts and came up directly behind her, unintentionally pressing my body into hers as I swiped the cup off the top shelf. Her body froze and she kept her back to me as I slowly placed it into her half open hand, and....and she was so close. So close, my torso molded into her back, and her hips melted against mine.

And I couldn't find it in myself to move, waiting for her to push me away like she kept doing to Eiichi every time he touched her. Waiting for her to treat me the same.

But, she didn't, placing her hands on the counter, sighing softly as I remained so close....allowing me to rest my hands on both sides of the granite and keep her between my arms. I....I didn't really know what I was doing, but it felt natural to reach out and touch her shoulder, turning her around so she faced me. And when she did, my heart rate spiked again and the air left my lungs, because Lani was so beautiful, and she was so close. And she smelled so good.

My feelings were even stronger now. Stronger than last night, and this morning, but somehow, it felt like how I viewed her hadn't actually changed. It felt like I was just aware of it now.

How did I go this long being around her without going crazy?

"Um. I don't care about Ella." My words came out easier, unable to stop my eyes from trailing towards her mouth.

Her lips parted softly as I did so, but she inhaled deeply, making me confused when she slipped out from between my arms. "A-Ah. So you're the type to love 'em and leave 'em, huh?" Her voice was hoarse, opening her refrigerator with more interest. "Coulda' fooled me."

I rubbed the back of my neck, trying to decipher her vague words and careless attitude. "Why did you leave the cafe last night? Were you......were you....mad?" I asked, watching her eyes widen subtly before quickly returning to normal.

"Mad?" She took the water pitcher out of the fridge, keeping a heavy amount of focus on filling her cup. "Why...what—why would I be mad?"

I didn't know the answer myself. That's why I asked the question. It seems maybe she didn't know either. She made it sound like the possibility of her being mad was outrageous when she was clearly mad right now. How does that make sense?

"Because I kissed her. And....well, it seems that you didn't want to leave the cafe until you saw that I did." I said, walking over to her.

She drank her glass of water in one breath and closed her fridge, quickly walking out of the spot she was in once I entered it. I furrowed my brows as she began walking around the perimeter of her kitchen, trailing after her and wondering why it felt like she was avoiding getting close to me.

"I just didn't want to interrupt your night. I was doing you a solid, actually." She said as she lapped the fridge for the third time.

"It didn't feel very...solid." I tried to make sense of her confusing language, causing her to groan.

She stopped walking when she sensed I'd continue following her, meeting me back at the counter once again. "Okay, well what did you want me to do, Shouto? Stay while you fucked Ella in the back alley? Can't really put that on your instagram."

My eyes widened slightly at her comment, because is that what she really thought? Is that why she's mad? Because she thought I wanted...Ella? I...well, I couldn't remember one single thing about Ella last night. I couldn't remember because all I could think about was Lani.

"No. No, I—I didn't want that." I stated firmly, furrowing my brows with focus to find the right words. "I wasn't trying to do anything like that with Ella. I didn't even want to kiss her."

And it was now that the anger in her features faltered, softening for no longer than a few seconds before hardening again. She didn't want me to see what she was thinking, I think. And while it's hard for me to read everyone else, I've paid close attention to her during the last month. The hard work paid off as I realized I was understanding her better.

She exhaled a heavy breath through her nose, leaning back into the kitchen counter as I approached her. "If you didn't want to kiss her, then why did you?" Her voice lost its bitterness now, and I was happy.

Because I don't like when she's mad at me. I like it better when she talks to me like this. When she's soft, but only for me. And when her eyes melt just a little whenever I get close. Like....this close. Close like how we are right now.

I studied her features, and the oversized shirt she wore, and the suppleness of her skin when there was no makeup on it, realizing my fingers ached to touch her. "I kissed her...because I was...testing something." I said hesitantly, feeling my easy flowing words starting to disappear.

"Testing? Testing what, Shouto?" She asked in confusion.

And now I desperately wished she messaged me back last night. Actually, I wish she never left the cafe in the first place. Because then we would have already had this conversation last night instead of right now, and it would be over with, and my heart wouldn't be pounding like this for a reason I could barely understand.

I don't know what to say. I don't know how to do this. For twenty years, I never cared to really make an effort to connect with people until right now. To connect like this. It was the first time I craved it. It makes me feel far behind all the other people who do know how to do this—and what is 'this', anyways? And I'm sure Lani has men in her life who know how to do this. Men who understand things like this. Like...like Eiichi.

My thoughts began to spiral and make my head ache, grimacing in pain as I pumped my brain for the right thing to say. "Lani." I murmured, looking down at our feet. "Um. I think...I'm confused."

And she could see I was having a hard time, her whole distant mood changing into sympathy. Her usual sympathy and her patience that always calmed me down. Now she didn't care about running away from me in her kitchen as she reached out and cupped my jaw, trying to bring my falling eyes back up to her.

"Hey. It's okay." She whispered softly, stroking her thumb along my jaw. "Just take it slow. You're confused, you said. Okay. Confused about what?"

Her touch felt so good, my breath came out on its own. Heavy, and wanting, and...and so many other things I never imagined. I leaned into her touch and she only stroked my face more, allowing me to come closer until I felt her hair tickling my cheeks.

"I......well, I wanted you to text me back last night." The words came out easier, keeping my eyes closed in focus.

I could practically hear the next expression of question on her face. "O-Okay. I'm...I'm sorry, Shouto. I didn't realize it was that important to you-"

"And I wanted to come over to your apartment." I blurted out, feeling my eyes fly open when my brain short circuited.

Her face was blank, and now I couldn't tell if she was trying to understand me, or if she was speechless, her mouth moving wordless and eyes blinking in disbelief. So, I continued. "And...and I wanted to sleep in your bed. With you. Under the blankets."

Now her brows raised, and her growing silence only spurred me on, with my thoughts getting boggled out of order. "And when you sat on my lap the other night-" She gasped at my next words, finally finding her voice with a little bit of nerves.

"Shouto-"

"I...I wanted more." I couldn't be stopped now. "And that...feeling, it hasn't gone away—it....it's only gotten stronger. Like, right now...it's...it's really strong."

Her breath had grown heavier, but she didn't attempt to create any distance between us. I didn't know what she was thinking now. But, my mouth wouldn't stop saying things.

"And when I kissed Ella last night, I was...well....I was thinking...of you." I explained, letting my eyes fall to her mouth once more.

Because I was thinking about it again now, and I realized I never stopped thinking about it. From the moment I met her, and I saw her lips, I realized I've studied them so closely. Their shape. Their movements.

Her tongue swiped her bottom lip nervously, and her lip ring glinted in the dim lights of her kitchen. And, still, I wondered what it would be like to kiss someone with that cold piece of metal right there. But, more than that...

"I was imagining...kissing you." I kept my gaze to her lips, not thinking clearly enough with my next words. "And...and I go to bed thinking about you—and I thought of you in the shower—when I was ejaculating-"

Lani slapped a hand over her face now, simultaneously laughing and cringing all at once. "Oh my god—okay, I'm gonna stop you there." She breathed out musingly, giving her head a little shake.

And because she smiled, a small one crossed my own face, and I don't smile very often. But, I've found myself smiling more ever since Lani's been in my life.

Our smiles slowly began to fade and I forgot about her apartment, and the date last night, and that stranger—whatever his name was—from a few minutes ago. I forgot about everything except the features of Lani's face, and how each one fit exactly how it was supposed to. How I can feel her body pressed to mine right now, and how it still wasn't close enough.

The pull I felt to her was something I couldn't control as I leaned in closer. "I...I think I want to kiss you right now..." I didn't mean to say it out loud.

But, it was exactly what I was thinking, and my brain couldn't decipher internal thoughts from external words. It was just Lani, and how she couldn't hide the way her eyes visibly softened.

"Shouto..." She whispered, gaze pooling with too many emotions I couldn't process.

And while I've never been good at taking initiative, I wanted to try. For once in my life, I want to try. For her. Because I bet she likes men like that, right? That's how Eiichi was, and that's how I want to be for her. If that's what she wants.

It was unnatural for me as I lifted my hand, tucking the hair that was hiding her face behind her ear. She's usually the one touching me. And she does it so naturally, I always know exactly what to do. I wish she would touch me now.

"Do you...um...do you want me to kiss you?" I practically whispered, swallowing heavily at my own words. "Do you—well—do you, I don't know....want to kiss me?"

I held my breath and tested what it was like to touch her—to really touch her, hesitantly gliding my thumb along her cheek. It was soft. So soft. And...and I think she liked it because her eyes fell closed and her breath was hot, causing my thumb to travel until it was inches from her lip. My heart pounded harder and harder as I carefully glided the tip of my finger to her lip ring—ah...and my entire spine shivered when I touched it, watching her mouth part softly.

And she looked so pretty like that. With her eyes glassy and her mouth open, and...what did she want? From me, what did she want? I'd do it for her. I'd do whatever she asked if it meant she'd never stop looking at me like that.

"Shouto..." She breathed again, sliding her hand up to mine.

My name from her breath like that made my lungs burn as the oxygen had been stolen from them. I'd never heard her speak in that tone, and it was one I hoped my brain would remember forever. It was intimate, and while I never cared much for that word before, with Lani, it's the precipice of everything I want.

Her fingers slid over my knuckles and her eyes opened, looking at me through her long, dark lashes. Her gaze lit a fire in my veins, it was a look I hadn't seen from her ever before, but god, I wanted more of it. I was drawn to it, hovering closer, still unable to breathe when she put an arm around my neck.

Every touch from her feels sensitive to my nervous system. It's overwhelming, and dizzying, and feels better than anything I've ever experienced in my life. The fuzzy feeling in my chest blossomed uncontrollably, and the only thing my brain could process was how I wanted to be hers. Hers.

A labored sigh slipped past my lips and my hand traveled to her jaw again, with her fingers still resting on mine, almost like she guided me there. She gave a gentle push to the back of my head that brought me in closer, until our foreheads were touching. Her fingers on my neck danced along the goosebump ridden skin.

Yes. Touch me. Please, touch me. Never in my life had I wanted someone to touch me so badly.

My other hand had been aching to touch her. Ever since she was on my lap a few nights ago, I wanted to touch her. And while I didn't know where to put my hands last night when I kissed Ella, I knew where I wanted them now.

Hesitantly, I lifted my free hand, bringing it to Lani's waist and looking at her closely. The best way for me to read her was through her expressions and she was breathing so heavy, and now her cheeks were a deeper shade of pink.

She panted softly and put both of her arms around me, back arching into the counter as she pulled me flush against her. I could feel her breasts pushed against me, and her stomach rubbing into mine. Her hands couldn't find a place to settle, sliding into my hair, then to my neck, before lightly raking her nails down my shoulders blades. My mouth fell open with a shuddering sigh, needing to reach behind her and grip the counter to ensure my dizzying balance wouldn't fail completely.

She smiled softly at my reaction, mouth parted to share my air, hovering closer and letting the tip of her nose tickle mine. And then, her piercing pink irises looked at mine, and I knew what she wanted. Even if I'd never be able to know from anyone else, even if I'd never experienced this moment for myself until now, I knew exactly what she wanted.

So, I gently cupped her jaw and looked down at her mouth again, slowly leaning forward, slowly letting my eyes close when I felt her top lip barely brush mine. Her gaze was hazy and wanting, yet she barely pulled back, letting a barely audible whine escape her throat. It sounded like she was frustrated, and I didn't know what about, so I barely pulled back and looked at her, seeing she was still looking at my lips.

She didn't break the distance, pulling me closer again, so I tried a second time, coming within inches of her lips before she barely pulled back again.

"Shouto. Ahhh, wait." She uttered breathlessly, yet she was pulling me closer.

"Do you not want it? I don't want to make you uncomfortable..." I murmured, feeling my brows furrow with need when she buried her fingers in my hair.

"I...I..." It seemed physically difficult for her to get the words out, and she almost looked pained with her next ones. "...you're....just confused..."

My eyes felt heavy and hazy as her scent of oranges and lilies clouded my head, trying to absorb her words. "What?" My voice was unrecognizably soft. "I....I don't think that was one of the question options-"

With a heavy sigh, she finally pulled away, cheeks flushed and features foggy. "We're spending a lot of time together. Long hours and late nights. Doing things that bring us closer. That's all this is." She explained, sounding as if she'd just run a very long marathon.

Her words were contradicting her actions, and never in my life had I been more confused about anything.

"You don't wanna be with someone like me, Shouto." She shook her head rapidly, letting the truth slip from her mouth for a rare time. "Trust me, I'm not good for you."

I couldn't fathom her words. Because I can't imagine anyone being better than Lani.

"But, it feels good." I whispered, causing her shaky sigh to hit my lips.

"I know..." She admitted, making my heart skip three full beats.

"You do...?" I trailed off, feeling extra lightheaded when her gaze traveled to my mouth.

My thoughts were interrupted as an unbearable wave of dizziness overcame my vision now, and it was only then that I registered the burning of my lungs just a few seconds too late.

Oh no. I think I forgot to breathe. Again.

The world spun in my vision and after feeling my head collide with the granite countertop, accompanied by Lani's yell, I was now on my back looking at the ceiling.

"Shouto!! Oh my god! Fuck—are you okay!?" Lani exclaimed, kneeling down to my level with a wince. "Shit, you're bleeding. Like a lot. Uh, uhhh—fuck." Her voice came out faded in my vision, barely seeing her grab her phone in the black spots of my eyes.

"Um. I...I think...I need to go to the hospital." Was the last thing I remember saying before everything went black.

*****

Bad Habits will be on break next week and return April 6th. You guys can always read ahead on Patreon, otherwise I'll see you then!