Lani POV:

What is this feeling inside my chest?

No, this isn't right. I thought I'd lost the ability to have this feeling anymore. This weight of weakness. The one where it feels like the world is falling down on top of me.

Agh. It's been years, and I vowed I'd never let myself feel anything like this again. Because people hurt. They aren't trustworthy, and they are always looking for an excuse to stab you in the back. For that reason, I refused to get close to people. I refused to let them in and let them see the truth of who I was. But...

I always thought he was the exception. I thought he was different. It was only now, for the first time that I realized...

Shouto can hurt me, too.

I looked out the cafe window blankly as Shouto and Ella locked lips. The sight was one straight out of a romance movie. She was beautiful against the midnight sky and dim lights of the street lamps. Her arms were around his neck, and her height matched his well.

But, what hurt the most was that Shouto was still Shouto. He was awkward, not knowing where to put his hands, his eyes were even open halfway, but not rejecting. He seemed more curious than anything, like he was testing the waters of her kiss, and I was surprised. Because even when I think I'm just starting to understand Shouto, it's only then that I realize I don't understand a thing. Not about him, or about how I fit into his life.

And now I realized I didn't want to understand it. Because the truth is here in front of my eyes, and nothing else needs to be said. It hurts. And getting a look into his brain right now will most definitely hurt more than I thought. I don't want to hear his thoughts. I didn't need to, I had a pretty good idea on what he was thinking now, and it didn't have anything to do with me.

I shouldn't be upset. Not one bit. This was the purpose of the date, it's actually deemed more successful now than I thought. Ella and Shouto, two beautiful, successful people. That's how it's supposed to be.

Because Shouto is Shouto, and I am me. It would never work between us, and it's never supposed to work. I always knew it. But, I guess, I didn't realize until right now, how much that knowledge really tugged at my heart strings. How real it actually was.

I've always been in the background. And with him, I was a fool to think I was any different.

It's been years since I cried. But, that lump in my throat was unmistakably familiar. It brought back memories of the past, memories I wished I could forget forever. Because I used to do it all the time. I cried over everything because everything was horrible. My life was horrible, and the feeling was so empty, I told myself I'd never cry again.

And yet, the image of Shouto and Ella began to blur in my vision as hot, salty tears clouded it. The pain left a thick film in my mouth and my jaw clenched. I felt a heavy hand on my shoulder, recognizing it as Kai's.

"I'm sure you didn't see that coming." She uttered softly, causing me to blink away the tears quickly.

Kai's the only one who's ever seen me so weak. But, this is uncharted territory even for us. My feelings for Shouto are so complex, so vulnerable, that I'd rather just...

Shut down.

I sniffled quickly and cleared my throat as the tears left, turning away from the gut wrenching sight taking place outside the window. Kai's eyes were sympathetic, but I laughed them away emptily, giving a shrug as I walked back towards the kitchen.

"Hah, what? Of course I saw it coming. That was the whole purpose of tonight. Duh." I said nonchalantly, hearing Kai sigh as she followed me.

"Lani-" She started before my phone dinged in my pocket.

I held up a hand to stop her from saying any more for fear my shaky foundation would collapse, quickly pulling my phone out and rolling my eyes at the sight.

Impeccable ex-boyfriend timing as always.

Text Message From: Eiichi
Unexpected deal going down in thirty minutes. Meet me in the abandoned building on Lincoln Ave. Now.
9:12pm.

Reality never tasted so incredibly bitter. This is my world. I was a fool to believe Shouto and I could ever work.

"Ah, look at that." I typed back a quick reply to Eiichi, going to grab my bag. "Shouto and I wouldn't have been able to hang out anyways. I've gotta work."

I didn't even look back towards the cafe window as I immediately made a beeline for the back exit instead. I won't bother telling Shouto I've left.

I'm sure he won't even notice anyways.

Shouto POV: - a few minutes earlier -

"Walk me to my car, Shouto. I have something to give you." Ella said.

I rubbed the back of my neck and glanced at Lani, unable to read her face once I was dragged away. Ella's touch on my wrist was cold, and I didn't like the way she pulled me. But, Lani didn't stop it, so I figured she must have wanted me to go.

The door bell of the cafe chimed as Ella threw it open and we walked outside. The street was emptier at this time of night, and all I could think about was when this 'date' was supposed to end, and if I'd done what was required of me. All I cared about was whether or not I made Lani happy tonight, and if this is what would help her be successful.

But, more than that, all I could think about was how confused the night had made me, and how my thoughts had been changing. I glanced at Lani through the window of the cafe as she talked to her friend. My pulse always skips a beat when I see her, but I'm only truly aware of that now...

Only after Ella brought up romance at the dinner table. Romance and Lani in the same sentence, and how it wouldn't be right for someone like me (?) to romantically be involved with someone like her (??).

I only pay attention to the important things. The things that interest my mind, and while I can't remember anything else that Ella said tonight, that is one thing I still seem to remember. Ella's view of Lani is different than mine, and that matters to me more than I was expecting. Not because I care what Ella thinks, but because of how Lani is being viewed. Because now I see that how I view her isn't just a generic view that everyone else holds. It's...

It's actually specific to me and my...feelings. And....and I didn't think I was really capable of that, to be honest. I never paid so much attention to anyone before, or really had many strong opinions about anything. Not even Momo when she was supposed to be 'the love of my life,' as everyone called her.

I figured it was because I was broken. Or, maybe if not broken, then I just didn't care for certain attractions the way others did. And I was okay with that.

But, now, as I looked at Lani through the cafe window, it's hard to see anything else. It's hard to think about anyone else, too. Because she's distracting. She's always on my mind. She's my comfort...and she's...well, she's....

Beautiful.

Lani...is beautiful.

It's the first time I ever thought that about anyone, and the first time I can admit to myself that this is my actual opinion. It's the first time I ever noticed someone and felt....I don't know the word...so....infatuated (?) with another person. It's like....she makes my heart hurt, but not in a bad way—I mean, I suppose it's bad for my health because of the heart attacks, but even so, I don't care. Because she's Lani, and I...god, I...

I'm...so confused.

As someone who already has a difficult time processing my own emotions, this was the thing to completely discombobulate me and everything I thought I knew.

My questioning thoughts were cut off by the unfamiliar touch on my jaw. My eyes were forcibly torn away from Lani as Ella turned my head towards her. Once again, her face looked lifeless, and I only realized how Lani suddenly changed my perception of the world and everyone in it. How Ella will never compare to her. How no one in the world will.

And that....well.....that seems like an intense thing to feel for someone. It's more intense than anything I've ever felt. I already established that Lani is attractive. That I think she's attractive. But, now...

I wonder...if attraction isn't all that I feel.

"I had a nice time with you tonight, Shouto." Ella's voice cut through the quiet background of the street.

Yet her voice still came out faded in my ears, and my eyes ached to look back through the Sakura Cafe window. Because....because I needed to see her. Lani. I needed...

Her.

"Oh. Okay..." I uttered distractedly, feeling my chest tighten as my thoughts became more frazzled.

Because all I could think about was Lani. And how I apparently needed her. And how she was a necessity to my existence. Just like breathing. Just like the blood flowing through my veins and the pulse beating in my heart. I needed her like a person needed water, and...that sounds like more than just attraction...

Right? Am I right? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. Ella had been talking this entire time, and I had no idea what she was saying. I had no idea, and I didn't care.

"...and you know what happens after dates are finished, right?" Her continuing voice perked my attention again, causing me to blink in question.

"No."

She smiled—and again, it was nothing like Lani's smile. It didn't reach her cold eyes or tickle the pit of my stomach. And then, she took it a step further, making my body tense up when she snaked her arms around my neck without warning, matching each step back I took.

My mind was anywhere else as Ella leaned in close—and the way her breath puffed against my nose was uncomfortable. "This is the part where you kiss me, Shouto." She whispered, causing my brain to stall for words.

"Huh? But, I..." I trailed off, unable to have a say as she pressed her lips against mine without consent.

And I didn't intend to kiss her back. I didn't care to. I was more focused on the mess unraveling inside my head. My thoughts about Lani and my attraction towards her—but, now I don't know if it's just attraction anymore. And—how do people know the difference? Between attraction and something else? How do I know? How do I classify what it is that I feel for her?

The words of a wise man—at least, that's what he calls himself—echoed back into my head at that moment. The words of my brother Touya, to be exact, when I saw him in prison the other day. When I told him about this...situation...

"If you think it's just attraction, go fuck someone else and see what it does to your feelings about her."

Right. And while I don't think I'm...bold enough to take his advice to the fullest, the opportunity to 'see what it does to my feelings,' I guess, has landed right in front of my face—specifically, on my lips right now. In the form of Ella's kiss. Ella is probably considered a beautiful woman, right? She has the same hair texture as Momo, and she said she's a model. Models aren't ugly, right?

So, in the spirit of taking Touya's advice, I tried a different tactic. I didn't push Ella away, instead I experimented, hesitantly letting my lips push back against hers. Because I've only kissed one person aside from this moment in my whole life, so maybe Touya was right. Maybe I didn't have enough....experience (?) to really know anything about attraction and...feelings.

I was thinking that maybe if I kissed Ella back, it might spark something. A similar 'something' I feel for Lani. This specific sense of attraction that stirs the pit of my stomach every time she touches me. The one that has my blood boiling hot every time she's near, and the insatiable craving within myself to have more...more of her. More of Lani. All the time.

I don't know if that's attraction or something more. But, if I get that same feeling I get for Lani while kissing Ella, I'll know for sure that's all it is. Just another biological response.

It's why I chose to kiss back. So I would be able to understand. So I would be able to recognize that my feelings towards Lani are nothing serious. They're simply no different than what it would be like to kiss an 'attractive' woman.

And while I've only kissed one woman before this moment....

....nothing had changed.

My eyes remained opened and my life flashed dully before my eyes, seeing nothing but emptiness and lackluster boredom. Because that is what Ella gives me. Just like Momo. Just like everyone else. Because I'm not capable of having a spark with anyone, right? No, surely, I'm not capable....

....of imagining Lani taking her place right now. Of imagining Lani's lips on mine instead.

My heart skipped to life as I let my eyes fall closed now, unable to control my thoughts. Because they grew stronger by the second. Every time I looked at Lani, they grew stronger. They've been growing stronger since the moment I met her. That first day at UA University. When she wore big sunglasses and had her hair up. She wore a pencil skirt and a white button down shirt. She also had deep red lipstick that complimented her lip ring so well.

My chest blossomed with a tingling warmth as Lani's pink irises danced behind my closed lids. I always imagine her smiling, because even though she tries to hide it, it's a beautiful smile. Her teeth are white, her incisors just a little sharper, but it fits her face. Her lips are full, and soft, and I've thought about wanting to kiss them for ages. I've imagined it every time I've seen her. Of how she would taste. Of how she would feel. Even how the pattern of her breath would be against my mouth. Would she be flustered? Or lustful? Or would she even reciprocate at all...

A heavy breath exhaled from my nostrils, no longer registering the foreign pair of lips on mine as the Pandora's box of my thoughts suddenly flew open, unable to repress a single thing. It appears my feelings had been hiding from me, breaking loose like an overfilled dam, spilling into my brain and seeping down into my heart as Lani...Lani...Lani filled my head.

I wanted to kiss her when she sat on my lap. When we were in her apartment the other night. I wanted to kiss her neck again, and again, and again until I could make my way to her mouth. Then I wanted to put a hand on the back of her neck and kiss her lips. And if I did, I wouldn't be able to stop. The thought alone ignites more emotion into my body than I've ever felt for anything. It takes my breath away, and god, I don't care about anyone else. I don't want anyone else. Never.

My eyes opened slowly and I pulled away from Ella dazedly, shrugging the girl away by the shoulder.

She had a smile on her face, and it held another meaning. Maybe she thought I was dazed from her kiss. I don't know, and I didn't care. Because I realize it now. The truth. The truth that Ella apparently thinks is wrong, but I don't think it's wrong—and even if it is, I...well, I...I don't think I care.

Because I want to kiss Lani. But, I....well, I also want more than that.

I just want...Lani.

I want the kissing. And her presence. And her company. And everything that comes with it. If it's not about Lani, then I don't care about it. I...

...I didn't realize I'd still been standing in the same spot until Ella's chuckle grated against my ears, causing me to look at her in blank question.

"Seems I've left you speechless." The girl said, biting down on her lip with a parting nod. "Goodnight, Shouto. I'll see you again."

With that, she was gone, leaving me still frozen in place with the same expression on my face.

What just happened...

The shock cleared away slowly before I finally made a beeline back to the cafe. I was confused—I mean, I think I understood—but, that only left me more confused. I think...I feel something more for Lani. And...and I don't know what to do about it.

I guess in this situation, it's best to ask her about it. Lani always knows best.

The cafe door chimed once more as I walked inside, immediately scanning the restaurant for The Woman in question. But, I didn't see her. Just her friend who barely looked over upon my reentry.

I walked a few steps in silence and waited for the friend to say something, but she didn't. It forced my brain to work. "Um. Where did Lani go? There's....I need to tell her something. I think..." I said, still unsure of what it was I wanted to say.

But, it was Lani, and I knew once I saw her, the words would come to me. I'd be able to speak, and tell her my confusing thoughts, and ask her questions.

Her friend shrugged a bit and continued putting the chairs atop the tables, giving me a sympathetic smile. "Lani left, Shouto. She had something to take care of."

My shock couldn't be hid as I looked around the empty cafe in a bit of disbelief. "Oh. But...I...I thought she said I could stay over at her apartment tonight." I murmured in confusion.

Lani's friend didn't say anything more about the subject, and I wished she did. It feels like...I'm, I don't know, missing something?

"Want me to call you a ride back to your place?" The Friend switched topics, causing me to sigh.

Because something didn't feel right. I actually get the same feeling I did a few weeks ago. At this Friend's party. When Lani left me alone there, too.

Where did she go? Why did she leave?

"Um. No. That's okay. I know my way back..." I trailed off, giving Lani's friend a small nod before hesitantly heading towards the door.

What a confusing night it's been...