ELAINE – PRESENT DAY

I'm not sure how I found myself in this situation; drinking tequila while pregnant in a random pub in Pennsylvania. Josh, to his credit, hasn't yet run away screaming, but I know this is more than he bargained for.

Hell, he simply wanted to take me out. He didn't want to hold my hand while I ponder over whether I should get an abortion.

He's fiddling with his pint of beer, his knuckles are white and his eyes are darting between me and the table. I make a mental note to kick Adora's ass for leaving me alone.

We've been silent for minutes now.

"Hey," Adora suddenly shows up by the table, she's almost too drunk to stand, "Let's get out of here."

"Okay." A wave of relief floods me. "I'm tired anyway."

"Oh, come on!" Josh complains. "The night is still young."

"We're going to my place." Adora chugs the rest of her beer, which I doubt is a good idea. "I've got some real fancy booze."

Josh's lips spread into a grin.

A month ago, I would have judged him for everything he's ever done. A month ago, I didn't even want to go out with him. He's done so many bad things in his life, if Life of Bryan is to be trusted.

I think he still has a lot of issues, but I find myself incapable of judgement. I've done my share of mistakes in the past month. The golden child I used to be is gone, what's left in its place is a disaster.

I grab my bag and fix Adora's dress, which is too tight and too revealing, just like all of her clothes. I don't feel good in it and I'm desperate to change into something more comfortable, but I somehow doubt Adora owns anything comfortable.

We walk out of the pub. Fresh air slams into me, filling my lungs with relief and calm. Adora and Eric are upfront, they're constantly kissing or touching, like they can't step away from each other, not even to walk straight.

Josh jerks his head in their direction, "What's their deal?"

"Aside from the fact they're really bad people?" I ask and shrug. "I think they're in love. And I think they've been holding back for years."

"Man, I would have never guessed." Josh murmurs. "I mean, he's a drug dealer. A convicted drug dealer. And she's..."

"Very rich?" I chuckle. "Yeah, but come on, Mark is too tame for her."

"Fair enough." Josh walks closer to me.

I wonder why he likes me. I wonder whether he's using me to redeem his previous mistakes, whether he's using this situation to prove to himself he can be a good person.

"What happened?" He asks suddenly, startling me with the bluntness. "With Graham?"

Pain climbs up to my throat. A bitter, hateful feeling envelops my heart. I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to be this full of hatred. How can you still hate someone dead?

"I don't-"

"I know." Josh interrupts. "I know you don't want to talk about it. But I want you to know that you can, if you want."

"Graham was your friend." The words are a mere whisper as they leave my lips.

"I know." Josh shrugs. "But I'm pretty well known for having shitty friends. And you're not... you're not the type to lie. And I just want to know what happened."

Not the type to lie. It's kind of funny how certain you can be in your virtues, how proudly you can stand behind your beliefs, and have those same beliefs shattered in the timespan of a month.

"I don't remember." I whisper.

"Elaine," Josh takes my hand, which I pull back immediately. Hurt flashes in his eyes, but I'm not strong enough to care. "I've done some pretty shitty things in my life. And all of my escapades are out there for the world to see. I know what it feels like to have other people talking about you, judging you. So I just want to tell you that I won't judge. Whatever happened, I'll try to understand."

Tears blur my vision, "That's the thing, Josh. I don't remember."

Josh stops in his place, but we've already reached Adora's place.

"We're here!" She lets out a half-shout, half-slur. Eric's hand is around her waist, he's pulling her closer and dropping kisses all over her chin as she tries to unlock the gates. You cannot see the house from the street, the bushes and the tall fence hide it from view, but once we enter, the hidden gem unravels in front of me.

It's an entire estate, with perfectly mowed lawns, cobbled pathways that lead behind the brick-covered, two-story, Mediterranean villa, and a large, illuminated outdoor pool that adds just a touch of luxury. I feel a pang of envy.

Adora's heels tap on the cobbled pathway while she walks to the wooden double door. We enter the warm living room.

Josh drops on the leather couch like he's home and I linger by the door, not sure what to do and how to act. The house feels too expensive to feel at home in it.

"I have wine and whiskey and champagne." Adora goes through her liquor cabinet. "Let's have some champagne!"

Eric doesn't even notice us, he's constantly following Adora, like the entire world revolves around her.

"Come here." Josh calls me and moves to one side of the couch, leaving enough room for me. It's a gesture I appreciate enough to sit down. "Talk to me."

I still don't want to talk, but I also can't stand the silence. The liquor did its part, I'm unravelling, snapping like a balloon.

"It's nothing you want to hear." I swallow the metal-tasting spit. "Not a fun story."

"I want to hear it." He pushes. "No matter how fucked up. What do you mean, you don't remember?"

How is it possible to think so much about something you can't even remember?

My voice shakes as I speak, "The last thing I remember is that we dropped you off from the Druid."

My eyes escape to Adora and Eric, they're making out by the liquor cabinet, the champagne forgotten on the kitchen isle.

"But..." Josh fidgets in his seat, but doesn't come any closer to me, "You didn't have that much to drink that night."

"I had two glasses of wine." Tears gather in the corners of my eyes, and it's my voice that gives me away. "And a glass of water."

That glass of water haunts me when I close my eyes.

Josh's entire posture slumps when he realises what that means.

"Did Graham..." Josh swallows. "Did he drug you?"

"I woke up in his room." I can't stop the flood of tears that eventually spills from my eyes. "Naked."

"Fuck." Josh's widened eyes drop on the glass coffee table in the middle of the carpet. "Fuck. Elaine, I didn't-"

"It's not your fault." I shake my head.

It's not his fault, no matter how much I want to blame him. The fault is all mine. I knew Graham was bad news the moment I saw him.

"I had too much to drink." Josh rubs his temples. "Fuck, I had too much to drink and I left you with him, I thought... I didn't know. I truly didn't know."

I nod, shaking the tears off, "I know. No one knew. It's no one's fault."

It would be a shame if someone clipped your wings.

Graham clipped my wings and left me to die, ashamed, injured and broken. I should have known from that sentence alone, but I ignored the signs until it was too late.

Josh doesn't know what to say, he's staring straight ahead. A part of me feels bad for ruining the memory of his friend. Another part of me feels glad I can ruin everything about Graham. I do want to ruin his memory.

But this is the part where Josh starts asking too many questions.

"Elaine," He doesn't know how to form his question, I can see it in his tensed jaw, his chewed lips. "What happened to Graham?"

"I don't know." I shrug. "I don't know."

"What happened the night that he died?" Josh asks and finally looks at me.

He's trying to offer sympathy, compassion, but he's also missing his friend. A part of me understands him. A part of me hates him.

His attempts at being there for me, being my friend, being more than my friend, they're all futile. We can never be anything, not with this huge issue between us.

His friend raped me and he still misses him. It's not fair to hate him for it, but I do.

"Elaine," Adora finally steps away from Eric, only to squat in front of me, "You okay?"

I wipe away the tears, "Yeah, it's fine."

"Is it okay if I leave you?" She asks. The way her eyelids flutter and her lips part makes me understand exactly what she's about to do.

And I can't stop her just because I'm a mess.

"Yeah, go ahead." I nod.

Adora hesitates, but she can't stop living her life because of me, "There's two guest rooms upstairs." Then, in a hushed tone, she adds, "Each has a key."

I smile, "Do you have anything else to wear? I can't be in this dress."

"Yeah," She stands up, "I'll get you something more comfortable."

"Thanks."

Josh is still staring at me, expecting an answer, "Elaine."

"I'm tired." I cut him off suddenly. "I don't want to talk about it."

"But..." He's trying to stay polite and gentle, but I can feel the urgency in his voice, "I'm just trying to understand what happened. With the rumours and everything-"

"They're just rumours." I feel myself snapping. "Vicious rumours that aim to destroy both me and Adora. We had nothing to do with it."

"That's not what I said." Josh lets out an apprehensive sigh. "I was just wondering whether you saw or heard something... I know this is hard, I understand, but he was still..."

"He was your friend." I nod, pushing down the resentment. "I've never asked you to be there for me. If this is uncomfortable for you, I'll understand."

"Can't you just tell me what happened?!" Josh suddenly snaps and I viscerally flinch.

"Hey, watch your tone." Eric reaches the couch in three large steps. "If she doesn't want to talk, leave her alone."

Josh shuts his mouth and shrivels. Eric is too intimidating for him.

Adora shows up with comfortable clothes for me, "What's going on?"

"I didn't mean anything." Josh stutters. "I just want to know what happened to my friend!"

"No one knows what happened to him." Adora takes the lead. "Elaine didn't even see him that night. Maybe he felt guilty for being such a goddamn sleaze and decided to blow his brans out."

"Adora-" My anxiety rises.

"No, I'm fucking done." She drops the clothes on the couch. "Graham was a creep and a rapist, and it's about goddamn time everyone stopped talking about him like he was such a saint."

"He's dead." Josh's voice turns cold. "Whatever he did or didn't do-"

Adora lurches towards him and Eric stops her, "Whatever he did. He did it, Josh! He drugged her and assaulted her. There's no question about that."

Tears fall down my cheeks. I'm exhausted.

"Fine." Josh shakes his head. "But he's still dead. And he wasn't the type to kill himself!"

"You better stop now, man." Eric is still holding Adora, keeping her in place. "She'll bite me if I don't let her go."

"Adora, settle down." I mumble.

"Oh, I'll fucking settle down when I fucking want to."

"You curse a lot for a woman." Josh mumbles.

"I hit a lot for a woman, too." Adora tries to shake Eric off.

"I need to sleep." My head immediately spins the moment I stand up, my blood pressure is either too high or too low. I'm going to pass out.

"You calm?" Eric chuckles at Adora.

"Yeah, calm as a rabid dog." Adora tries to elbow him to get free.

"Alright, she's too violent to stay here." Eric laughs as he pulls her away. "We should all go to sleep."

Josh doesn't speak anymore. Sadness shines in his eyes. He understands he made a mistake, but he also knows no one gave him any real answers. I feel bad, but I'm not strong enough to do anything about it.

I take the clothes from the couch and leave him in the living room.

Adora's angry steps follow me upstairs, "You say one word, Elaine, and I'll-"

"What?" I turn around on my heels. "Kill him? Is that what you want to do?"

She flinches like I slapped her, "No."

"Goodnight!" I miss twice before I find the free guest room.

"Elaine." Adora's following me. "Do you want me to stay with you?

"No, it's fine." I peel off her dress.

"Are you sure?" Adora still lingers by the door. "I can stay here, I can-"

I meet her gaze and smile, "Go. Make your mistakes."

It takes her a moment longer to leave. I know she wants to stay, but she also wants to take advantage of this opportunity, which is being alone with Eric.

I don't blame her. Who am I to say what's right or wrong?

Who am I to judge anyone?

I can't even blame Josh. He's just trying to understand what happened to his friend.

When I'm finally alone in the room, and the mirror on the wall stares at me with judgement, I realise I'm not such a good person myself.