broken roots- michl

~YOONGI'S POV~

Two nights before the music video shoot, Yoongi was sitting on your bed with his computer, working on mixing a solo song of his own. He was resting comfortably against the insane plethora of pillows you had on your bed, while you were at your desk across the room, researching jobs. His hair was still damp from the shower he'd taken shortly before arriving at your apartment, and he knew that it probably looked like a complete mess. But, your hair was tied up in a knot atop your head, messy and clear that you had been working hard all day and that you just wanted it out of your face. The two of you had reached such a point of familiarity and comfort within your relationship that neither of you worried about how attractive you appeared to other. Being beside each other was as easy as breathing in that respect, and it was a nice feeling to have.

Since his fainting episode, Yoongi was desperately trying to work harder at taking care of himself and was working harder to make time for you. It wasn't that his entire mental health was centered around you, but he generally felt happier and more motivated when close to you. So, for the past several nights, he'd been spending time at your apartment. Even though the two of you had other things to work on, being in the general vicinity of each other was good for the relationship.

Yoongi still hadn't mentioned his fainting and health issues to you. The diets for every member were adjusted after it was clear that they couldn't be successful with the original restrictions. Bang PD also held a meeting with everyone, stressing the importance of hydration and proper rest; basically saying the same thing that the nurse had told Yoongi in the dance studio. Bang PD was heartbroken that his performers had been suffering so much without his knowledge, and he offered his sincerest apologies. He claimed that from now forward, he wanted there to always be an open dialogue for the members to be upfront and honest about what they wanted and needed.

So, Yoongi did what was asked of him. He conformed to the new meal plan, paid careful attention to his water intake, and the amount of sleep he was getting. With the support of his fellow members and the advice from the nurse, Yoongi had been feeling a lot better, and no symptoms were returning. He truly realized how important it was for him to be mindful of his health and overall well-being. However, this realization, mixed with the fear that perhaps fainting would become a regular affliction, an uncomfortable anxiety began to sprout within him. He was worried about his health more than he ever had, to the point of it constantly weighing on his mind. The guilt from keeping it a secret from you didn't exactly help that anxiety either.

He was in a state of confliction; whether to provide transparency and honesty to you or protection from worry and anxiety. He still wasn't sure what the right thing was to do. So, he kept quiet, focusing on his health as he was convinced that if nothing like the fainting happened again, he could justify not telling you about it. But for some reason, he still just couldn't shake the anxiety he was having over it, leading to even more foul moods and off days. Despite this, he didn't pull away from you and didn't push you away. Unlike all the times before, Yoongi was determined to not cause a rift by closing off emotionally and staying away from you. That always made things worse, not only for you but for himself as well.

You closed your laptop and sighed as you leaned back into your desk chair. You let out a huff of frustration, one loud enough that it caused Yoongi to remove the one headphone he had in his ear, glancing over at you from his spot on the bed.

"You okay?" he asked, also closing his laptop, and setting it to the side. You swiveled around in your desk chair to face him, unable to hide the fowl expression that had formed on your face. Yoongi raised an eyebrow at you, wondering what the problem was.

"I honestly didn't expect that finding a job would be this difficult. I mean I did internships to gain experience while in University, but it just wasn't enough. I've only gotten one offer for a part-time position. I guess I don't have the credentials that I really need," you explained glumly, fidgeting with the ring on your pinky finger as you did so.

"Well, you could try starting out with a part-time position. I know it's not exactly what you want, but it's possible that after you get in there and show how hard of a worker you are, you could get promoted," Yoongi offered, moving from his spot against the pillows to sit on the edge of the bed.

"That's true," you replied, but you still didn't seem convinced.

"And even if you don't get promoted, then you'll have another bit of experience on your resume, which could result in scoring a better job later," he added, attempting to provide you with some hope, or maybe a more positive perspective that you couldn't see before.

"Yoon, can I be honest with you?" you said suddenly, meeting his eyes.

"Of course, you can. Always," he reassured you.

"It's really not even money that I'm worried about; I have a lot in savings from money I've inherited. It's more of a self-esteem issue...That's why I'm so bothered by the fact I haven't been able to get a job..." you began quietly.

"What do you mean by that, exactly?"

"I worked so hard in University. I got good grades. I was known as someone who was good to study with because I had such mastery in all my courses. But now...It's been four months since I graduated, and I still don't have a job that isn't working at a café...It hurts my pride, to be honest. I want to be doing things, and accomplishing my dreams. Watching you work so hard and accomplish so much inspires me, and I hate that I'm just sitting at home, not doing any of the things I want to do. Honestly, I'm a little jealous of you," you explained, looking back down at your hand to continue fidgeting with your ring.

Yoongi was overwhelmed with a small pang of guilt as he listened to you pour out your feelings with barely any hesitation. Here you were, being completely vulnerable and honest with him, and yet he hadn't returned the same kind of vulnerability to you with what was going on in his life. He also didn't want you to feel like you were less than him, just because your career hadn't taken off. After all, it wasn't that long ago when he was stuck living on his best friend's couch.

"Come over here," Yoongi replied, patting the space beside him on the edge of your bed. You looked back up at him as he motioned you to come toward him, sighing as you stood from the chair, moving to sit next to him. Yoongi turned slightly in his spot, facing you as he reached to hold your hands in his.

"Having trouble finding a job that fits you doesn't translate into you not knowing enough or not having enough skills. Most people struggle to find a job right out of school, and that's not anything to be ashamed of," Yoongi began. You looked down at his hands that were intertwined with yours.

"And I don't want you to compare your career to mine. I don't ever want you to feel insecure around me, either. Y/N, I wouldn't have made it as far as I did without your encouragement, and honestly, plain luck. Please don't ever feel like you're less than or that you're not good enough, okay? You are..." he said softly, trying to meet your eyes. "Look at me."

You looked up at him then, "Thanks, Yoon."

His eyes were soft and understanding as he squeezed your hands, "I'm here for you always, you know? I'm glad you talked to me about it."

"I know...Maybe I've kept a bit quiet lately as to not bother you and add to the stress you've already been under," You admitted, sighing again as you did so.

"Y/N, you don't have to protect me from that. I just want to be here for you," Yoongi said, but as soon as the words rolled off his tongue, he was overcome with another wave of guilt. He was being a complete and total hypocrite and he knew it.

"I know...And I want you to feel the same towards me, okay? You can talk to me as well," you reminded him, and he felt his chest clench again.

"Um...In that case, I, uh, have something I need to tell you," Yoongi began hesitantly, still unsure of whether he was making the right decision or not. All he knew was that he couldn't keep it a secret from you anymore, and he honestly didn't want to keep it a secret anymore. Your demeanor clearly changed quickly, worry spreading across your face as you anticipated his words.

"About a week ago, I passed out in the middle of dance practice," he started, and your expression was full of shock, and even more worry.

"What?"

"Don't worry, I'm okay and it hasn't happened again. The nurse told me it was because I was malnourished, over-exhausted, dehydrated and that I had probably overheated in dance practice. So, they've adjusted all our meal plans and such to hopefully ensure that none of us get sick like that again," he explained, you visibly calming down as he did so.

"Why did you keep it from me?" you seemed hurt that he hid it, but also relieved that he was okay.

"I just didn't want to worry you. I didn't want you to be stressed about my health. But, I've been feeling really guilty that you didn't know. And I'm sorry," Yoongi apologized sincerely, a weight off his shoulders now that he wasn't keeping anything from you any longer.

"I'm really glad you're okay. I mean, I'm a little upset that you kept it from me. And that you basically lied about how everything was going. But, I understand what your intent was," you began, "I just don't ever want you to do that again. We're partners, Yoongi. We're supposed to help each other carry the burdens of life, right? Maybe we've both been bearing too much weight alone lately. Let's not do that anymore."

"You're right. And, I think I knew it was the wrong decision from the moment I decided not to say anything about it. I think it's a bit of a pride problem for me as well. I don't like having to admit that things aren't going well, or that I'm struggling. I know I can trust you with anything, and that you're not going to judge me. But, transparency is still hard for me sometimes."

"I know it is, and it can be hard for me too. It's just something we need to work on, okay? I think we'll both feel better if we're always just honest. Sometimes it seems like a good idea to keep something from someone; sometimes it seems like that telling the truth will do more harm than good, and I get that. But, not with us. We've proven multiple times that secrets, and distance, are no good. They're bad for us. So, we need to work harder about not letting those things come between us," you explained, but your voice was still soft. It was clear you really weren't angry with him, and he realized then how stupid it was for him to try and hide it in the first place.

"I wished I would've told you sooner. Honestly, the whole experience kind of freaked me out, and I've been having a lot of anxiety since it happened. I know that some of that would've better if I would've opened up to you about it...I regret that but thank you for being understanding, and for being here for me now. It means a lot," Yoongi replied, gratitude and admiration filling up his voice. He was so lucky to have someone like you, and he was humbled for that time and time again.

"Of course, Yoon. I love you."

"I love you too," he removed his hands from yours. "Now, come here," Yoongi murmured as he leaned closer, sliding his arms around you.

"Don't worry too much about getting a job, okay? It'll all work out," he encouraged you, now warm as you leaned against him. It was nice to just sit there like that for a few moments, wrapped up in each other's embrace. He'd been busy lately, and upon all the anxiety and stress, some simple time spent holding you made him forget all of that. The feeling of you softly gripping the excess fabric of his tee shirt, and the way you rested so easily against him, and the sound of your steady and even breathing put him in a state of ease that was only tangible when he was close to you.

"Don't worry too much about your work, either. Your health comes first, okay? Promise you'll pay attention to it, and that you'll be honest and ask for help when you need it," you replied, moving your hands to gently trace shapes and patterns on his back.

"I promise."

And so, you and Yoongi sat curled against one another for a while, each of your worries and fears melting away with each passing second spent with one another. Soon, he would have to leave, needing to go to sleep early to be able to take on the following day. Soon, he would have a lot more pressure. A lot more weight to carry. A lot more stress. A lot more anxiety. Soon, things were going to change again, in more of a drastic way than they ever had before.

But, the two of you were learning how to love each other, how to be there for each other without hesitation. You both kept stumbling, kept making mistakes, and it was all leading up to this next part of your lives where everything was bound to become more difficult.

Yoongi simply hoped that after all those fights, conversations, and special moments spent together, the two of you would be able to endure the next chapter that was to come.

Through change, conflict, and then growth, he was learning how to love you. He hoped it would be enough.

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A/N: I have started my Jung Hoseok x Reader, "Youth", and you can find it on my profile.