phil

Phil is pissed off at Dan, to say the least.

How can he just brush off that conversation like it was nothing? Phil had never told anyone about his sister who he lost, and when he tells Dan, the next morning it never happened.

Phil sighs deeply, looking across the room to where Dan is asleep on his bed while Phil is editing the videos they filmed on his laptop. Dan looks so calm and peaceful, Phil just wants to stroke him. He looks adorable, to say the least, kind of like a puppy.

Phil swings around on Dan's desk chair, wishing he could get inside Dan's mind to see what he's thinking.

What goes on inside that head of his? What does he think about? What does he dream about? What does he wish for?

Phil wishes he could read minds, it would make his life so much easier. He taps his fingers on the desk as he procrastinates editing and cannot concentrate on being productive. Dan is too distracting.

Phil picks up his phone, sending a quick text to Louise.

Phil: Hey

He gets a reply back almost instantly, because Louise is basically attached to her phone.

Louise: hi. to what do I owe the pleasure?

Phil: to my BOREDOM

Louise: I can help with that.

Phil: that's why I texted you.

Louise: don't be sassy Phil, it doesn't suit you.

Phil: I'll be sassy when I want thanks.

Louise: I think you've been hanging out with Dan for too long.

Louise: speaking of which, how is it? You still alive?

Phil: yep, it's fine. Editing videos atm.

Louise: shouldn't you be busy then?

Phil: yeah, I should probably concentrate :/

Louise: talk later then :)

Phil: ok bye :D

Phil sighs, turning back to the laptop and just staring at the screen. He can't concentrate on editing when his mind is racing with other thoughts.

Phil decides to talk to Dan when he does decide to wake, because his mind won't rest until he does. Phil wants to let Dan know how he made him feel. He also wants Dan to see that anyone can recover from things, some just take longer. And part of Phil holds more than just friendship for Dan, something deeper within him, a connection.

Long story short, Phil is still desperate to see Dan's smile again, he wants to see Dan happy, with him.

***

Dan is finally ready to help Phil edit some three hours later.

"I think we should bleep out the swear words," Dan suggests, "because it is a school project after all."

"Yeah, I will," Phil replies blankly.

"What about additional editing, jump cuts, sound, music, visual?" Dan asks, wondering how they are going to get all these videos together in a clip.

"Yeah, I got it," Phil answers, his voice so monotoned and emotionless that it could be a robot instead of a human speaking.

"Is there something wrong? You're not being bubbly and annoying as usual," Dan states, looking sideways at Phil, who suddenly fills with anger at Dan's words.

"Yes Dan, something is wrong! Something is wrong! I poured my heart out to you last night and you act like it never happened! Do you know how that makes me feel?" Phil asks, tears welling in his eyes, "I thought you'd at least care a little. But I guess I was wrong."

"Phil..." Dan starts, but Phil cuts him off.

"No! Wait until I'm done. All I've done is try with you. Try to make you feel less alone, try to cheer you up, try to show you I care. All I do is try for everyone else," Phil says, hurt flashing through his eyes, "but no one ever tries for me."

"I-I just... I was scared Phil," Dan says quietly, "I know it wasn't fair on you, but I've beer really had someone to swap secrets with. I've never had a friend, not a true one. Never one like you."

"Dan I just..." Phil starts.

"I'm sorry Phil, I'm learning at this whole friendship thing, but I promise to try for you," Dan says, stopping Phil from speaking, "I can't guarantee how good I'll be, but I'll try."

"That's all I want Dan," Phil says simply, "for you to just try."

Dan nods, remaining silent for a few moments as he stares at the laptop, thinking out what Phil had said, and sorting out his own thoughts. He looks back to Phil, his usually shielded eyes warm and gentle.

"I-I'm sorry about your sister," Dan says quietly, resting his hand on top of Phil's, setting the nerves on his skin alight where Dan is touching it.

Phil looks down at their hands. He thought that sort of stuff only happened in movies and books - that moment where you touch and your body ignites - but Phil is experiencing it right now.

"Everyone says that," Phil replies softly, looking back at Dan.

"Well I mean it," Dan says.

And although no further contact is acquired and no further words spoken, Phil knows Dan does mean it, and he is happy. Dan's hand on top of his own is enough right now, and that simple touch means so much to Phil. He knows that if Dan went into a relationship, he'd go slowly, especially after his father, so Phil will accommodate this.

Simply the act of being in each other's presence seems to make them both content.

***

dan

Phil leaves five hours later, after editing the videos they have and filming three more videos.

Once Phil has left, Dan would be lying if he said that he didn't miss Phil's company. For the first time in a while, Dan felt lonely and wished he was with someone; that someone being Phil.

Dan sighs, leaning back in his desk chair and staring at his open book just lost in thought. He doesn't really know what he thinks of Phil. Part of him doesn't want to trust him, but the rest of him just wants to hold Phil close. And Dan doesn't get why.

Dan is pretty sure he isn't gay, he's liked some girls before. But then there's Phil. Phil who is nothing but kind, who is comforting, who sees the best in everyone and who cares about Dan Howell.

Why is Phil just so... Perfect? Why does he make Dan feel so safe and sound? Dan can only think of one reason, but he'd never admit to that. Dan Howell, the school's broken, bad boy could never like Phil Lester, the school's own source of sunshine. That could never happen, Dan doesn't want to add 'teasing and bullying at school' to his list of problems in his life.

Dan walks downstairs to find Shawn on the couch, watching television again. Dan sighs, the kid never does anything other than watch television because, well, what else could he do?

"Shawn? Why don't you go out, hang out with your friends or something?" Dan asks, crossing his arms and leaning against the doorway.

"I can't. My friends are all at a party," Shawn shrugs sadly.

"Didn't you get invited?" Dan asks, frowning.

"I did but... I didn't have money to get a present and I'd feel bad showing up without one," Shawn admits, looking down.

"Shawn... I..." Dan stammers, guilt and hurt etching its way though his body, "you know what? We'll go out then, do you fancy lunch out followed by a shopping spree?"

"Really? But Mum..."

"Mum is fine with it," Dan lies, smiling at Shawn, "now go get ready."

Shawn's eyes light up with excitement and he runs upstairs to get changed. Dan can't remember seeing him so excited to simply go out. Dan follows him upstairs but turns to his mother's room, where she is home from work and lying in her bed no doubt.

"Mum, Shawn and I are going out. Shawn needs new things and I'm getting them for him, like a normal parent should do," Dan says to her, "so I'm spending money on Shawn."

"Don't spend over £150," his mother mumbles, rolling over carelessly, "now go away and leave me alone."

Dan steps backwards out of the room, slamming the door shut before turning away. He hates his mother, he really, really does.

"Are you okay?" Shawn asks, appearing beside Dan.

"Great buddy," Dan says, smiling warmly at Shawn, "now let's go get you some new things."

Four hours later, Dan and Shawn are armed with bags of new things, mostly for Shawn but Dan has a few things as well. Dan is happy, because he's never seen a smile so big on Shawn's face. Dan doesn't think that Shawn has ever owned so much in his entire life, so Dan is glad that he can partially make it up to him.

He figures that if he can keep Shawn happy, that everything will be worth while. Dan is already far gone, he just doesn't want to see Shawn go down the same path, seeing that would destroy Dan completely.

"Thanks Dan!" Shawn says, grinning at him as they walk through the town, towards home.

Dan glances across the street, spotting Phil with Caspar and Louise. His heart picks up speed, not just because Phil is there, but because Caspar and Louise would tell the entire school that they saw Dan with his brother, not being a badass.

He grimaces, looking back to Shawn and forcing a smile, despite his anxieties growing.

"That's okay Shawn," Dan says, "you seemed like you needed cheering up. If you ever need anything Shawn, just ask me. I'm here for you, you know that right?"

"Of course," Shawn replies, smiling at Dan, before attacking him in a hug which dan has to bend down to return, "you're the best brother ever."

Shawn has no idea how happy those five words make Dan feel. He tries his best to give Shawn as much happiness as he can, and as long as Shawn is happy then Dan is. Dan would give anything to make his brother happy.

He glances back over and makes eye contact with Caspar, who then glances around Dan to see Shawn, who Dan is still hugging tightly. Dan panics, seeing Caspar's eyes widen as he taps Louise, who looks over as well.

Dan pulls away from Shawn.

"Come on, let's get home," Dan says quickly, as they start walking again.

The whole way down the street, Dan feels three pairs of eyes burning into his back, but he refuses to look back. He just silently prays that Louise and Caspar will keep their mouths shut for once, and the only person who could ensure that would be Phil, so he texts him.

Dan: if you or your friends tell anyone what you say today, you're dead to me.

Dan doesn't know why he is so anti the school knowing that he isn't a heartless jerk, maybe it's because if they knew, Dan wouldn't be tough and scary anymore. It's easier to hide secrets about your life when no one ever speaks to you. People make up epic rumours, and he can pretend that they're true.

He leaves Shawn in the living room, admiring his new things as he walks up to his room and sits on his bed, staring at the wall. Dan is tired, not just in the physical sense either. He just wants to disappear, to melt into the ground.

He's struggling to find energy to go on. Although Dan does as much as he can for Shawn, he is getting to the age where he can do things himself. Maybe him dying could be a wake up call to his mother. Dan is so alone, his mind is making it worse, his depression is growing inside of him, until he feels like he's drowning.

With tears in his eyes and his hands shaking, he picks up his phone and sends one more text to the only person he can; Phil.

Dan: help.

************

an// heyo, hope you enjoyed! Thanks so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed, I really love writing this. I will make phan happen soon, but Dan is very hesitant and depressed, which is why it takes a while.

I don't like phanfics which rush into it, which is why mine all don't haha. Oh well... Please leave a vote and comment, and share?

Update within a week, thanks so much for all the support and 4K reads! It means so much :D