phil

Phil didn't know why he did it - he had just felt a very strong urge to hug Dan.

He was probably going to get punched or regret it later, and Phil may have been the only one hugging, but still, it was one of the best hugs Phil had ever had - and he was the type to go around hugging nearly everyone.

"You can get off me now," Phil hears Dan say and Phil quickly releases Dan, blushing slightly.

"Sorry, you just looked like you needed a hug," Phil says, looking down and blushing slightly.

In a book or movie, this would be when Dan would say, 'thanks, I really needed it! Let's get to know each other and be friends now!', but of course, that doesn't happen.

"Whatever, lets just get this over with," Dan replies instead, his brown eyes looking at a spot on the table, his piercing glinting in the sunlight.

"Are you okay Dan?" Phil asks, trying to make eye contact with him, finally succeeding for only a second, but in those few moments, Phil can see clearly that Dan isn't okay, he's shut away and broken.

"Yep, and I'll be better when we get this over with," Dan snaps sharply, glaring back at the ground.

But Phil knows Dan is lying because he doesn't meet Phil's gaze for the rest of the day.

Phil doesn't tell anyone, especially his friends, about his hug with Dan Howell, and his growing... Feelings for the boy. Phil doesn't love him, but there's something about Dan that draws Phil to him. Phil sees Dan as two people - the person at school and the person at home - and Phil wants to see them both.

"Phil, honey, your father and I are going out for dinner with some work colleagues tonight," His mum says when she pokes her head in Phil's room at around five p.m., "we'll be back around ten."

"Okay mum, when are you going?" Phil asks.

"We're leaving now, keep the doors locked and stay safe honey, there's dinner in the fridge," his mum says, walking over and kissing him on the forehead, her necklace hanging down and hitting Phil in the nose.

"Okay, bye mum," He says, giving her a quick hug before she walks out the door.

Phil sighs, picking up his phone. Having nothing to do, he decides to start work on the English assignment, but he texts Dan first.

Phil: I'm gonna work on our English more, brainstorm and stuff, do you want to Skype or something to do it?

Dan replies a few minutes later.

Dan: no. Now just isn't a good time. Just show me tomorrow or something.

Phil sighs, frowning at the blunt text. Dan obviously doesn't want to talk, but Phil wants to know what's wrong. He doesn't reply again though, as he fears Dan will block him if he sends too many texts. Why isn't it a good time for Dan? Phil wonders.

He sighs, putting down his phone and instead, opening his laptop to a blank Microsoft Word document, the empty page staring him in the eyes, but like the page, his mind is empty and he can't think of anything to write. His thoughts were all on what Dan was hiding from everyone. Is he really as bad as everyone thinks he is, or is he just hiding something?

Phil doesn't know, but he vows to himself to know before this project ends.

Dan Howell may look and act like a bad boy, but when he drops the act, he sure as hell doesn't seem like one.

***

dan

Dan puts his phone down and sighs, running a hand through his hair.

He has to get out of here, this house, the four walls of his bedroom seem to be trapping him in and he feels like a caged animal. He feels like he needs to get out, like the air inside is suffocating him. He grabs his phone, cigarettes, a new lighter and stuffs a bit of spare change in his pocket before running out, telling Shawn he'll be back soon.

Dan jogs down the street and across to the park, where there is only a couple of people out, seeing as the light is just starting to fade. Dan sits at a seat by himself, lighting up a cigarette and sighing contently as the nicotine calms him. He watches as the sky fades to black, stars appearing, and he watches as the smoke he breathes evaporates into nothing, just as we all will ourselves one day.

Nothing, that's all he'll become. That's all anyone will ever become. We die, and that's it. All we ever faced and lived through will just be a memory. These are common thoughts drifting through Dan's mind, when he wonders what the point of it all is? All he ever feels is miserable, and he feels as if it is all he will ever be.

But then there's Shawn, what would he do if Dan died? He most likely would never recover, his mother wouldn't care for him, and he fears that if he took his own life, Shawn may follow in his footsteps a few years later. Dan sighs, why is life so difficult?

"Dan, is that you?" A familiar voice asks, and Dan turns to see Phil standing there beside him, making Dan jump.

"Jesus Christ are you stalking me or some shit?!" Dan asks, frowning at Phil, smoke falling from his lips as he speaks, "look if you wanted to work on the English with me so much you should've just said."

"Hey I was not stalking to you," Phil says, frowning at Dan before screwing his nose up as Dan blows smoke in his face, "I wanted to go for a walk, and will you stop it! If you're gonna smoke then at least don't blow it in my face."

"Oh sorry," Dan says, purposely blowing more smoke in Phil's direction, "I don't mean to."

"Smoking is bad you know," Phil says.

"Oh really? I had no idea," Dan says, rolling his eyes at Phil, but he reaches beside him where an ashtray is an stubs out his cigarette.

"Why do you even have to smoke?" Phil asks, frowning yet again at Dan, "like, it's bad. You're shortening you life."

"Smoking is not the worst thing I even do. Plus, I don't give a fuck about my future anyway," Dan says, slumping back on the bench.

"But, why Dan?" Phil asks sitting beside him and putting a hand on his leg, worry in his eyes.

Dan sighs, his gaze drifting to his hands. He desperately wants to tell Phil what's wrong, he feels like he's going to internally explode if he doesn't. He's been hiding it for so long, he just wants to tell someone, anyone. Maybe it's just the smoke getting to his head, or maybe part of him just trusts Phil. After all, he's the only person who's ever come back again and again and again.

"Because I'm not fucking happy Phil," Dan snaps, anger building inside him, tears welling in his eyes, "I'm not happy and I never fucking will be! That's why!"

Phil blinks at Dan, surprise written all over his face, before it is replaced with sadness for the boy. Phil doesn't understand - if Dan feels this way, he should reach out for help, not push people away.

"You will be Dan," Phil says softly, "you deserve to be happy."

"No. I don't. Who are you to say that anyway? You don't know me! You don't know anything about me!" Dan snarls, wiping away a year and plastering a glare back on his face, "just, go away."

"Not until you tell me what's making you upset," Phil says, "if you can fix what's making you sad then you can stop it."

"Not mine," Dan says quietly.

"Anything's possible Dan," Phil says, "but it won't get better if you can't tell anyone."

"Promise you won't tell?" Dan asks, turning to Phil.

"Promise," Phil says.

Dan sucks in a deep breath, closing his eyes, the words getting stuck in his throat. 'Just tell him', part of him is saying, but another part is screaming 'NO!'. Dan looks down at his hands.

"My mother has depression and does not care for me and my brother, my father died in a car accident after having a five year affair with another woman and the only way I feel happiness his through drugs," Dan snaps, tears welling in his downcast eyes, "I'm literally prescribed or buy happiness and it fucking sucks. I live of manufactured joy and that's the best I'll ever feel."

"Dan, I-" Phil starts, his heart tearing apart for the boy, and he feels the sting of tears in his own eyes.

"No, just, leave it Phil," Dan snaps, still refusing to look at him.

"But, Dan-" Phil starts again, but Dan stands abruptly, a glare on his lips, but his eyes are still glossy and Phil watches a tear slowly roll down his left cheek.

"Tell anyone and you're dead Lester," Dan snaps, wiping the tears away angrily, "this conversation never happened."

Phil only nods, looking scared and sad. Dan turns away and practically runs back home in the darkness, leaving Phil far, far behind. He can't believe he just told Phil that, what if Phil tells everyone? Oh well, too late now.

Dan sighs, slowing to a stop at the end of his street, a streetlight casting an orange-yellow tinted glow on him as he drops his hands to his knees and pants on the empty road. He eventually moves to the top edge of the light, lying on his back in the middle of the road, watching the stars shine above.

The stars always calmed Dan for some weird reason. Perhaps it is the fact that they are always there, or the fact that they've been there for so long, or the fact that they are so far away from Dan and his problems, just like he himself would like to be. Dan wishes he could stay here forever, watch the world go past and just fade away.

But soon a car comes, and Dan has to haul himself up and off the road, heading towards home, his heart heavy and his mind a mess.

*********

an: hey hope you enjoyed! Please vote, comment and share! Thanks for over 300 reads and 70 votes! Wow!

Please also comment, not many of you do and it helps me update knowing you actually want me to :).

Thanks so much for reading! Update within the week. :D

p.s: TABINOF OHMYGOD I WANT IT SO BADLY AND I WANT TO GO SEE THEM BUT THEY'RE ONLY GOING TO THE UK AND I COULDNT PREORDER THE BOOK AND UHJHHJ STRUGGLES. IT LOOKS AMAZING AND I WANT IT SOOO BAD 0_o