dan

"Psst, Dan, are you awake?"

"I am now," Dan replies sleepily, rolling over and blinking his eyes open to come face to face with Phil.

At first, he's surprised but then he remembers that Phil is sleeping the night, and he decides that he likes the warmth of having a body beside him, not in a weird way.

Phil remains silent, just staring at Dan, his blue eyes so bright that they're almost glowing in the dark, resembling stars in front of Dan.

"What do you want?" Dan asks sleepily while rubbing his eyes, his voice husky and rough with sleep, "what time is it?"

"Like, eleven, but that's beside the point," Phil whispers quietly, "we're having a sleep over, this is supposed to be when the juicy gossip comes out."

"What are we? Twelve? Go back to sleep Phil," Dan groans, screwing his face up while yawning before be sighs deeply, drifting back to sleep.

"No! Da-an," Phil complains, shaking him gently, "please, I want to get to know you better."

"Phil..." Dan grumbles, "go away."

"Please Dan," Phil begs, sitting up and flicking the bedside table lamp on, filling the room with a warm glow.

"Fine, ten minutes," Dan sighs, sitting up beside Phil on the bed, "now what do you want?"

"Well, what's something about you that I don't know?" Phil asks.

"That I'd like to go to sleep right now," Dan says flatly.

"I already knew that!" Phil complains, huffing, "I'll start then. I still get scared I'm going to get attacked again, I can't walk outside after dark now. Your turn."

"Well, uh," Dan stumbles, looking down at his hands, "I'm scared of letting my brother down."

"I... I had a sister," Phil says quietly, looking down, tears gathering in his eyes, making Dan's eyes widen and heart ache.

"Oh my god, Phil..." Dan stammers, reaching a hand onto Phil's knee, lost for words.

"It's okay," Phil says quietly, "it was a long time ago. Uh, your turn?"

"I... I've never known what having parents feels like."

"I felt so guilty that my sister died. I wasn't there for her."

"My father cheated on my mother for three years before he died."

"I haven't walked into my sister's room since she died, because I know she won't be in there."

"I'm clinically depressed."

"I still write to my sister."

"If it weren't for Shawn being here, I'd be dead."

"Don't say that Dan..." Phil says, frowning at him.

"It's the truth," Dan says quietly, looking down, "sometimes, I even feel as if I'm already gone, already dead to the world."

"You're never alone Dan, know that. I-I'm here for you, Shawn, he needs you," Phil says, looking over at Dan, "maybe you've just isolated yourself for too long."

"I'd rather be alone than have fake friends," Dan says simply.

"My friends aren't fake," Phil says confidently.

"Yeah well not everyone has that comfort," Dan says, "not everyone grows up with a stable life, with friends, with people who love you."

"Well, you have me now," Phil says, reaching over and placing an arm around Dan's shoulder, "and... I can't promise you anything, but you can try to make your life better."

"I can't," Dan whispers, his eyes cast to the ground, "I'm too far gone."

"No one is," Phil says softly, "there is always hope, you just have to find it."

Dan never expected to be having a deep and meaningful with Phil Lester to the late hours of the night. He need expected for Phil Lester to know him basically inside out, and vise versa, but they do. And Dan never expected to end up crying on Phil's shoulder at one a.m., finally letting out what he's been holding in all year;

But that's what he ends up doing.

***

Dan wakes early, to the sound of his mother getting ready for work in the kitchen.

He eases himself out of bed, leaving Phil tangled in the sheets, still out cold, snoring his head off. Dan heads downstairs to find his mother on the way out to work, a muesli bar in her hand and a bag over her shoulder.

"Mum..." Dan says, trailing off as he looks at her.

Her hair is tied up into a fancy bun, a few strands framing her face, which is adorned with makeup. She had jewelry on and clean, stylish clothes. She doesn't look like the woman Dan sees everyday at home lying in bed, she looks almost normal.

"Dan, you're up early," she comments, flicking him a smile, "I'm off to work now."

"Yeah, I can tell from your clothes and chirpy attitude," Dan snaps, a scowl forming onto his face.

"Dan, there's no need for that tone," his mother scolds.

"I'll use whatever tone I fucking want with you," Dan retorts angrily, shooting her a glare as she reaches for the front door handle.

"That's no way to speak to me."

"And who are you?"

"Your mother."

"No," Dan says blankly, "my mother lies in bed all day, forgets about her children an absorbs herself in her own world of pain, not caring about what damage that does to the people around her."

"Dan I..." His mother's voice is soft now, almost like a wounded or scared animal, "it's not that simple."

"No, but you could at least try. You've already passed it onto me, I won't let you ruin Shawn as well," Dan says harshly before shoving roughly past her.

He hears the front door click shut and lets out a deep sigh from the kitchen. It's early, so Dan tries to be quiet as he makes himself an instant coffee, sitting on the sofa and cradling the hot mug in his hands.

He hates it - how his mother turns into a different person. She seems to forget about Dan and Shawn when she's at home, when she lets the depression take over. What upsets Dan the most though is the fact that she doesn't even try to fight her depression, like Dan does, she just lets it consume her.

And then there's Phil, with his lost sister, his kind words and the sense of home he brings Dan. Why does he make Dan feel so safe?

The coffee isn't working, it's only making Dan even more restless. He needs something to calm him, something to stop his thoughts racing. They're speeding up, his mind is seemingly expanding and unless he does something soon, he won't be able to stop it. He stands and races upstairs, scouring desperately through his draws as Phil still snores softly on his bed next to him.

Dan finally located the right bottle, pouring two into his palm and just downing them. He is still frantic though, the pills won't kick in that fast, so he manages to find a cigarette and walks back downstairs and out into his backyard. He sits on the ground, leaning against the wall of his house and lighting the cigarette, the drugs inside it almost instantly calming him.

He knows it's risky, smoking at home with Shawn around and Phil in his room, but it was the only way for Dan to stop himself from exploding. He sighs and leans back against the wall, his mind returning to normal speed again. And now, he's left on the ground, feeling like he's just a waste of space, just simply existing.

The thing is, the drugs take pain away, but they always replace it with another kind. The kind of pain that caring brings. Phil Lester is dangerous if Dan wants to retain his reputation and 'normal' way of life.

So from that moment on, he decides to distance himself from Phil. Phil is the sun and Dan is the moon, Phil is bright and Dan is stuck in the dark;

The sun and the moon just don't mix.

By the time Shawn wakes to watch cartoons, Dan is tired and ready for bed again. He had brushed his teeth and changed clothes so all traces of smoke were gone. He leaves Shawn sitting on the couch and walks back upstairs, sliding back into bed with a sigh, slipping straight into a deep sleep.

What feels like only mere moments later, something is shaking Dan's shoulders. He sits up slowly, rubbing his eyes and looking up to see a smiling Phil.

"Rise and shine Danny!" Phil grins.

"Fuck off Phil," Dan murmurs, pulling the covers back over him and rolling over onto his side, "I want to sleep."

"Please Dan," Phil begs, unaware to the fact that Dan was up since six and has already taken two different drugs, "we have things to do today!"

"I don't care," Dan snaps.

"Well I do," Phil says.

"I don't care Phil."

"What about that conversation we had last night?" Phil asks softly, frowning at Dan, "do you not care about that?"

"As far as I'm concerned, that conversation never happened. Tell anyone what I said and I will hurt you," Dan snaps, standing an shoving past Phil out of the room.

Dan has already left, so he doesn't see the devastated look on Phil's and the tears well in his eyes. As far as Dan is concerned he's done the right thing.

He's broken, and he's making sure Phil won't cut himself on the sharp edges that is Dan. He's just trying to protect both Phil and himself;

But all he's doing is just hurting them both a little more.

***********

an// heyo hope you enjoyed! Please vote, comment and share! I really appreciate it. I'll try to update in a week, all my exams are finished!!! Yay!!

Thoughts on Phil having a dead sister? On Dan deciding to push Phil away?

Thanks so much for reading, hope you enjoyed the chapter! :D