dan

Dan was nervous to go to Phil's house for two reasons.

Reason number one: Shawn would be left by himself, and that always worried Dan, because he rarely left Shawn.

Reason number two: when Dan was with Phil, for some reason, he felt like Phil could see right through him, which made Dan just spill all his problems and secrets.

Dan sighs. It is last period and the time to go to Phil's house is creeping closer. For some reason, Dan really wants to just leave. Seriously - his leg is shaking impatiently. Dan looks up as he feels a tap on his desk, it's Phil.

"I hope you're not planning on bailing," Phil says, reading Dan's mind, "if you do I will hurt you."

"For some reason, threats from you aren't exactly terrifying," Dan says, rolling his eyes and shifting his gaze sideways out the window beside him, "you're not scary and intimidating enough."

"You are still coming right?" Phil asks, eyeing Dan cautiously, frowning when he sees Dan is avoiding his gaze, "Dan you can't bail! This assignment is due so soon and we haven't started!"

"Now isn't a good time okay?" Dan snaps angrily, glaring at Phil.

"When will it ever be a good time then? Stop avoiding whatever it is and just face up to it," Phil says somewhat angrily, "all you do is push people away, why?"

"Lester, Howell, stop talking!" Mr Hollingsworth snaps, anger evident in his tone, a ruler slamming onto Phil's desk, making the boy jump with fright.

"You know sir, interrupting conversations is actually considered to be quite rude in this modern society, it's this thing called common courtesy," Dan says, raising his eyebrows mockingly at the teacher, who's face grows increasingly red.

It's not a secret that teachers loathe Dan Howell, and if you have one class with him, it's not hard to see why. Dan winds teachers up and makes them look like idiots. It's a known fact that teachers literally beg not to have Dan in their classes, and Dan is secretly proud of this fact.

"And talking over a teacher is basic school rules," Mr Hollingsworth snaps back, a glare of hatred glinting in his cold, grey eyes, "you should know that Howell."

"Well I wouldn't talk if your lesson wasn't so fucking boring," Dan snaps, rolling his eyes, "honestly, you'd think your mouth was a male cow's anal orifice with the amount of bullshit that comes out of it."

"That's it, leave now, and afternoon detention for a week!" Mr Hollingsworth basically roars at Dan, making the boy snigger as he stands, picking up his things.

"Whatever you want sir," Dan says before leaning over and whispering to Phil, "sorry, looks like I won't be able to make it tonight - or for the rest of the week - I have detention."

Dan says it so happily that it really pisses Phil off. If Dan wanted to play like that then Phil will to. He is going to win this battle - whatever it was - and he was going to win the hell out of it. When Dan leaves the room, closing the door behind him, Phil's own hand shoots up.

"Sir! I'm bored," Phil says loudly and quite awkwardly.

"Well Lester that's not my problem," Mr Hollingsworth sighs, tired of all the kids.

"Well you could at least make it exciting," Phil says.

"Look Lester I'm tired..."

"YOUR MUM WASN'T TIRED LAST NIGHT!"

"Lester, I did not see this coming from you-"

"I dunno sir, some people just don't see things coming. LIKE YOUR MUM DIDN'T LAST NIGHT!"

"THAT'S IT I'M SICK OF YOU. LESTER, OUT! DETENTION FOR A WEEK!" Mr Hollingsworth screams, and Phil stands, picking up his things and walking outside. He sits down next to Dan, who's busy on his phone.

"Looks like we're detention buddies," Phil says, smirking triumphantly at Dan who literally sends him a glare which would mentally insert daggers into Phil, "guess we'll have to get to know each other now."

Dan can't believe this kid. He got detention just because he wanted to spend more time with him? Dan can't let this kid get to know him, he and let people know the truth about his life - even though Phil knew part of it, he didn't know the full extent of Dan's situation. The truth was too unbearable for even Dan himself to admit to.

Dan knew in his heart that his mother was incapable of caring for her two sons, but Dan refused to tell anyone because Shawn and himself had nowhere else to go, no where else to turn to. And as useless as she was, she is still Dan's mother, and she probably would've been a good one had she not been lost in her own world of hurt and pain.

"Dan, what are you thinking about?" Phil asks, nudging Dan's knee with his own, his blue eyes wide, curious and even... Caring?

"Nothing," Dan replies sharply, looking back down at his shoes.

"Don't lie to me," Phil says, "I can tell Dan. Seriously, are you okay?"

"Yep."

"I can tell you're lying Dan, just tell me please! I don't like being lied to."

"Well don't ask me if I'm okay if you don't want a lie in return," Dan says simply, shrugging.

"But why would you lie? You don't have to," Phil says, frowning slightly in confusion.

"You don't get it Phil. All the questions, 'how are you?' and 'are you okay?', questions like that are bullshit," Dan says, "they're empty questions, no one usually cares what they say. The response is always 'good' or 'fine', and that's it."

"But I do care," Phil says, reaching out and placing a hand on Dan's knee.

"Well I'm not worth caring about," Dan says, shaking Phil's hand off and moving a few meters away from Phil, plugging in earphones and ignoring him.

Dan wishes that he'd never talked to Phil Lester in the first place. But he also secretly wants to see if Phil really does care, or if it's just a false act of kindness. Dan doesn't want Phil's pity, he doesn't want anyone's pity, and perhaps that's why he never tells anyone about his home life.

Either that or Dan is just too proud to let everyone see that he's no more than a broken teen with his life in ruins.

***

Dan hasn't smoked in a few days, and it really is driving him insane.

He'll admit it - he's addicted, and not just to cigarettes. All his medication, the antidepressants, the cigarettes and the occasional smoke of weed, he needed then all in his life. Dan does always estate before doing these things, but he can't help himself. We all get addicted to something that takes away the pain, Dan's is just more deadly and potentially life endangering.

Dan doesn't even care that the drugs are slowly shortening his life - in a way, Dan welcomes death. People fear death, hate death. Dan just accepts it, and also appreciates it. He couldn't imagine immortality. Living forever isn't all what it's portrayed as, it's more just watching people around you die.

Dan taps on his desk and glances at the clock hanging on the wall. There's still ten minutes of detention left and Dan's patience is wavering. He can't focus on anything, the addiction inside his head is too strong. When they're finally dismissed, Dan practically runs out, lighting a cigarette as soon as he's out of the school gates.

"You really need to give up," Phil says, glancing at Dan as he falls into step beside him.

"No," Dan replies simply, inhaling deeply, the smoke traveling into his system, calming him down.

"Why?" Phil asks curiously, but also somewhat offendedly at Dan's blunt answer.

"Because," Dan says, blowing wisps of grey smoke out through his lips, watching it evaporate around him, "it's my own way of dulling the pain."

Dan then turns and starts walking away towards home. Although his house doesn't feel like home, Shawn makes it home for him. In a way, Shawn is the only thing tying him to life, without him Dan would feel so pointless on this earth. But he has a purpose - caring for Shawn.

When Dan arrives home, Shawn is on the living room floor, what appears to be homework spread around him. He looks up when he sees Dan, a slightly guilty look on his face.

"Sorry I didn't start dinner Dan," he apologizes.

"It's okay, I'll just make something quick now," Dan says, forcing a smile and heading into the kitchen out of sight.

Dan sighs, running a hand through his hair. Dan is so tired and stressed, there's an impossible weight on his shoulders and he can't seem to shake it. Keeping up the unapproachable asshole persona also is such an effort, but it's all Dan knows.

Dan is in ruins, but for the sake of Shawn, he keeps it all internal. But what Dan doesn't realise is how much it's destroying him to keep it all inside.

phil

Phil stands on the road for a while after Dan had left, thinking about what he said. And after a long time, Phil finally understands.

Dan is so far damaged that he needs drugs to dull the pain, and that really hurts Phil to know people in the world feel like this. There's so much pain in the world, and especially in Dan - and Phil wants to take it all away.

But even with Dan, Phil feels a little out of his depth. Phil doesn't know what it's like to have his life in ruins, but that's all Dan has ever known.

But Phil makes a promise to himself that he is going to help Dan - whether he likes it or not - he just doesn't realise how big of a job this is going to be.

***********

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