BAD BITCH
❝these were the women who knitted pain into glory❞

21. Stark Celebration

February 2017

❝Okay, how the fuck is she still alive?❞
Clint slurs out before collapsing back down into the coach. Svetlana only smirks back wickedly in humour and gently sits onto Natalia's lap. It was probably a bad move but the alcohol was already beginning to buzz through her veins and none of the other Avengers seemed sober enough to care either. Except for Natalia, of course. She had always refrained from drinking, stating that it made her nasty to be around, so had only sipped on her drink whilst everyone else seemed to be getting more and more wasted. Steve was also particularly sober, metabolism too quick for him to ever get heavily drunk but the Asgardian spirits that Thor had kindly offered him seemed to be doing the trick nicely.
From a young age, Svetlana had drunk vodka as though it were water so when Clint had challenged her to a drinking contest, she was fairly confident in her abilities.
She'd won, though she could have guessed that from the very beginning, but was definitely feeling the effects of the bottle of Tequila that she'd downed. She was lucky she knew her limit when she came to it so she was also confident that she wasn't going to be passing out at any time close. She very rarely got drunk enough for her to loose control and she wouldn't being doing that then either.

❝You did challenge a Russian to drinking competition, idiot.❞
Pietro replies and everyone in the room hums in agreement. Clint only lets out a drunken groan which makes them all let out laughs at the sight of his misery. The man could almost feel the hangover he'd have the next morning from the amount he'd drunk. He had been the first out of them to get completely shit face that night. Everyone else had been pleasantly buzzed but it was at the sight of his drunkenness that seemed to inspire the rest to down their glasses.
Despite their clean record, the Avengers very often got black out drunk. Often was quite an exaggeration but whenever they were all safely in the compound and had no where to be the next morning, which was rare as they all had incredibly busy schedules, they would drink to lighten the mood. Yet, their light drinking always turned into competitive downing too soon. Steve usually babysat them in the mornings, not capable of getting a hangover, which was a relief for them all.
Svetlana watched as they all downed their glasses worth of alcohol and began to make themselves a second cup as a bottle was passed around. She refused this time, knowing that she wouldn't be getting any more than lightly drunk, but Natalia grasped the bottle from below her and took a few gulps straight from the bottle. It surprised Svetlana to no end but she couldn't seem to find her voice.

She simply raised an eyebrow at the woman she was sitting on, eyes nearly glued to the gloss coated on Natalia's lips from the alcohol remnants, but Natalia only mimicked her. Svetlana wanted to kiss her. Right then and there, not caring who saw them, she wanted to taste the alcohol on Natalia's lips and to taste the familiar taste of her mouth. She almost leaned in. She could imagine herself doing so. Natalia's gaze didn't seem any less filled with lust, either, but neither moved any closer. It wasn't until Steve started howling with laughter along with Wanda, that their gaze broke. Svetlana stayed on her lap for most of the evening. She didn't care if the feeling of having Natalia grind against her accidentally every now and again was making her more turned on than she probably should because at least she had the woman close to her again.
By mid-way through the night, everyone in the room aside from Svetlana was shitfaced. Even Steve had managed to break past his usual state of drunkenness and looked as far gone as everyone else in the room. They'd all moved from the chairs to the floor when Wanda fell asleep on the rug. Svetlana got off of Natalia's lap quickly and made sure to give the woman more room. She'd long sobered up and was realising how stupid she could become when intoxicated.
She worried that Natalia would bring it up the next morning. Perhaps the woman had begun to drink because she felt uncomfortable and needed alcohol to loosen her up. Svetlana didn't believe that it was the reality of the scenario but she'd learnt from a very early age to never cross something off the list until you knew for sure that it was impossible. Her theory was only crossed off for good when she felt Natalia's strong hands move towards her waist. Despite being drunk, Natalia's coordination seemed to be fine so didn't make a fool of herself as she plucked Svetlana from her seat and placed her back onto her own lap.

She liked the way Svetlana felt on top of her own body. She liked the way it made Svetlana look submissive. She didn't, however, like pretending to be drunk.

If Svetlana tried hard to forget about the past, if she closed her eyes and squeezed them tight, she could almost imagine that they'd never been separated. She could almost imagine herself being with Natalia the whole time. Something about their position just made Svetlana feel as though she belonged only with the woman and she couldn't bring herself to accept reality just yet. She could almost paint herself a prettier past. If she thought hard enough, and blocked out enough harsh realities, she could see herself never being with Hydra. In her perfect world, her and Natalia would be lifelong friends with the rest of the team. They'd be together until they all eventually died. They'd all accept each other and they'd all be trustworthy. They'd live together and be the ideal friendship group whilst her and Natalia became the power couple of the group. Of course, it was all outlandish fairytales that Svetlana told herself to stop herself from ending it all but she still yearned for them to be true. Sometimes, when she's too sad to care, she'll wish that she weren't so cold. She'd wish that she was the perfect bubbly girl that everyone deserved to know but she couldn't ever bring herself to change who she was. She'd just learnt to find comfort in who she was. She was as authentic as she could be.

❝If you're the first person with all of your fingers down, you have to do a forfeit!❞
Tony manages to slur towards the group around him, all sat in a circle like they were in group therapy, and Svetlana immediately checks out. She knows that she wasn't prepared to lay herself open like the game would need so she simply walked away. Natalia had pouted a lot, everyone else barely noticing that she'd left, but Svetlana simply wasn't willing let a heavily intoxicated Tony Stark asked her questions.
If she were someone else, some less broken, she was sure she'd have been more than happy to play the game with them. Perhaps it could have even bonded them closer but, despite how much Svetlana willed herself to stay, she felt physically sick at the idea of them all knowing her deepest and darkest secrets.
So she'd walked away. Only far enough not to be considered part of them so she was more than close enough to still listen and watch. Svetlana didn't want them knowing anything about herself but she was definitely curious to hear what the Avengers had done in their lifetimes.
❝Not playing then?❞
Deep voice, strained, but broken. Svetlana doesn't need to turn around to know that Bucky Barnes' had sat next to her on the sofa gingerly. She hated seeing how upset he seemed by the whole ordeal. She knew, rationally, that many people would be but she simply couldn't see what was all that wrong with it. Svetlana hadn't really thought of that night for a long time. Sure, she'd grown a few fears from it and a whole lot of nightmares but she had forgiven him which, for such a vengeful person, was surprising.
Svetlana only smirked at him.
❝Do you feel like telling them all what you've done?❞
❝No.❞
The pair sit in silence for a while, just watching the drunken superheroes fumble around with their fingers and begin laughing at nothing, but it didn't seem to be awkward at all. Svetlana still had the urge to destruct. Almost every living particle in her body was willing her to kill them all. Maybe she was still fucked up from Madame B, her mother, because all she could think when she saw them so drunk was 'they'd make easy targets.' or 'I bet I could kill them all with their reaction speeds so low'. She refrained from taking the knife slotted between her boots but couldn't help but fantasise about what the carnage would look like.
Svetlana wasn't willing to accept that she had severe PTSD. How could she ever let herself become so weak?

❝Svetlana, I'm sorry-❞
Bucky begins, after many moments of opening and closing her mouth helplessly, and Svetlana already rolls her eyes. She can faintly hear Tony hooting loudly, screaming about forfeits, but she tears her eyes away from the group and stares at Bucky in annoyance. The glare she sent him was enough for his sentence to fall flat, coming out more like a question, and he looked genuinely uncomfortable which gave Svetlana joy.
❝Barnes, I want you to say something to me.❞
Bucky freezes. She's still staring at him, face completely blank, so she can see the way his expression crumples in confusion. Svetlana didn't know why she was being nice, she was very rarely not in the mood for homicide, but she knew that she wouldn't want to waste the last of the kindness within her on someone any less deserving.
She hears more hooting and a mixture of disgusted groans and excitable cheers. Svetlana wasn't going to let Barnes go without him being aware of how she felt. If he couldn't accept it then she wasn't going to be his therapist.
She waits for his response but is met with silence from the man. He looks to be deep in thought but Svetlana was growing inpatient.
❝Okay, I'll rephrase that. Barnes, you are going to say something to me.❞
She's met with a small, but solid, nod.

❝I want you to look me in the eyes and I want you to say:
'I, Bucky Barnes, am a victim.❞
Bucky freezes completely. He'd looked her in the eyes obediently immediately as the command left Svetlana's mouth. Yet, when it came to the words, his lips just couldn't seem to comprehend what they were saying. It was almost as though his brain completely shut down every time Barnes got close to feeling something other than hatred for himself.

Svetlana couldn't really listen out for his response, however, when she turned her to look at the previously innocent game. The loud whoops had drawn her eyes and she had almost immediately wished she could scrub her mind clean of the sight. Natasha was kissing Barton. Heavily. It made Svetlana feel a new type of anger. It wasn't murderous, she had no intent to kill anyone, but she yearned for stone cold revenge.
❝How about you admit it first?❞
Barnes managed to bite out. If Svetlana hadn't been so angry, she would have realised that his aggression was all a coping mechanism to shut people down. Actually, she did realise that as a fact but she just didn't care. Her blood was on fire and she couldn't bring herself to calm down.
Even when her fist connected brutally with Bucky's nose, she couldn't bring herself to care at all. She just wanted to feel something other than the hurt and anger that was bubbling in her stomach. Svetlana had stormed out of the room before she could see the damage she'd done. She knew that Barnes' face would be primarily black and blue the next morning. She also knew that she'd have Steve reprimanding her like she were a child the next morning. She didn't give a damn. She just laid in her bed, fully clothed in the black silk minidress she'd bought from England, and willed herself not to punch more holes in the walls. Her knuckles had split, evidence to her lack of control, and were bleeding. It seemed as though she'd forgotten everything she'd been taught about throwing a safe punch and had only remembered how to hurt.

❝You know, Barnes probably didn't deserve that.❞
Natasha says softly, standing safely in by the door, but Svetlana only glares daggers into her hands. She felt like a child and she was a second away from going on a anger fuelled rampage.
❝It's okay to admit that you're jealous. I got jealous a lot when we were together, constantly having to fight for your attention, and it's really nothing to be ashamed of. Just don't take it out on Barnes of all people.❞
Natasha flinches back slightly at the sight of pure rage in Svetlana's eyes. She'd come into the woman's room to see how she was doing but couldn't help but wind Svetlana up a little bit. She hadn't meant to overstep the line, however, and could only watch as Svetlana's expression shifted to fiery pain.
❝Fight for my attention?! Natalia, you had all of my attention! From the moment I woke up to the moment I shut my eyes and tried to sleep, it was you who I was thinking of! How much more did you want from me?! I thought the world of you, Natalia, and I did everything in my power to keep YOU safe!❞
Svetlana seethes, redness spreading to her cheeks as she barks the last of her rant to Natalia, but Natalia can only feel a slight lustful twang hit her stomach. That lust was mostly concealed by the tidal wave of guilt she felt.
❝You know me and Barton only kissed for the forfeit?❞

Natasha is only met by more silence. Sighing, she acts upon the lust in her stomach. She knew that it was the only way to get Svetlana to listen to her. That's what she'd tell herself to avoid confronting the fact that she simply really really missed Svetlana and had missed the nights they'd spent together.

Svetlana watched as Natalia sashayed towards her. She didn't move, didn't want to seem as though she'd flinched or was disgusted by the woman, but startle slightly when she felt a pair of lips press against her neck in lust fuelled hunger.
Then, the lips strayed to her ear.
❝Please forgive me.❞
It was whispered and, before she could say anything in response, the lips were back on their original spots on her neck. Sometimes Svetlana hated how much her and Natalia knew about one another. From the many months spent learning about the others body, Natalia had learnt just where to kiss Svetlana to calm her down and turn her on.
It was only when Natasha's hand began to creep towards the hem of Svetlana's dress when she sighed and softly pushed the woman back. Natasha looked to her in confusion.
❝I'm not fucking you whilst you're drunk, Natalia. I'm sure you should remember the importance of consent to me.❞
Natasha was too far gone, far too hungry to stop for something so stupid.
❝I'm Russian, dumbass, I'm not even slightly drunk.❞
Natasha growled out but the last half of her sentence seemed to become muffled as her lips met Svetlana's in equal parts of dominance.

❝You let me sit on you?❞
❝I don't have to be drunk to enjoy the feeling of having you on top of me.❞