BAD BITCH
❝these were the women who knitted pain into glory❞

19. Confessional Booth

March 2005

The place that they had been told to hide in, ordered not to leave under any conditions, had been a small cabin with decent insulation. The Russian winters were just on the break of blossoming into spring, thick snow only just beginning to melt from the dense forests, but the cold hadn't seemed to tire. Temperatures of below zero meant that being trapped in the middle of no where, with no where to go, could prove to be fatal if they hadn't found sufficient coverage. Yet they'd been told of the wooden structure's existence before leaving their compound so neither Natalia nor Svetlana were too bothered by being stranded.
The mission had turned sour. Hydra had gotten far too big for their boots and had attempted to rival against a neighbouring organisation, only known as The Hand, only to be severely overpowered by enemy soldiers. The two women had been told to flee, something unlike most of their orders, without much explanation but they could only guess that they couldn't afford their best trained warriors to be slaughtered for nothing. As well as that, Natalia had hypothesised that their superiors had changed tactics and were going to strike a deal but Svetlana doubted The Hand would accept. Hydra had very little to offer and, after recklessly attempting to seize control, wouldn't ever be fully trusted.
So after they'd fled from the scene, being thankful that they'd barely been on the field long enough for them to be recognised, they had aimed for the cabin they'd been notified about. It'd been lucky that Natalia paid attention to every detail or else they would have been stuck with no where else to return to. The thick foliage had proven difficult to orienteer around but they'd made it without much trouble nonetheless.
The cabin was small. Estimating at around the size of a fairly ordinary room but seemed to only serve as a shelter less than an actual holiday home. It had a fire that had yet to be lit, something that Natalia was quick to do as she felt a chill begin to settle within her bones, and a comfortable rug on the floor to rest on. The run had lasted over an hour so both women were aching slightly and were quick to get settled down.

❝When do you think they'll be back?❞
Natalia muses, eyes closing slightly from the intensity of the flames in front of them, but Svetlana just purses her lips and shrugs. They really hadn't been given a time scale of return and, despite their hopes, the group could easily be slaughtered which would mean both women would have to trek their way back to the facility. Svetlana hoped for her team's survival, not at all because of she enjoyed the people's presence, because she simply didn't wish to spend a week of her life getting back. Natalia seemed to have the same thoughts but neither of them could worry about the situation; either way they would both be safe and alive.
❝Not sure in the slightest. If they don't contact us by sunrise, we'll have to leave without them on foot. I can only guess that it's gone badly considering all of their comms are off.❞
The women beside her let out a sound of agreement. They'd both sat down onto the sheepskin rug upon entering the cabin and had finally begun to relax as the fire began to emit waves of heat. Svetlana was still on edge. She knew that they were in unknown territory, a forest that seemed to go on for hundreds of miles, and didn't much feel as though she could peacefully sleep in the structure but she had done as much as she could do and had collapsed onto the floor next to Natalia after bolting the only door and pushing multiple chests by it. Natalia had seemed happy that Svetlana had joined her. The younger woman hadn't been blind to the red head's internal anguish but she hadn't been able to pinpoint it onto a specific reason, something that was only beginning to annoy her relentlessly, so had been pleased to know that her presence brought the woman comfort.

Svetlana rolled back her shoulders uncomfortably, muscles thick with strenuous lumps and knots, whilst admiring the fire. Natalia seemed to notice. She seemed hesitant to begin with, something that Svetlana pretended not to notice as she didn't want to make her any more nervous, before sighing slightly.
❝I can get the knots out for you --- if that's what you'd like?❞
She asks and Svetlana can only nod silently in shock. Natalia hadn't been physically close with Svetlana for a long time.

In fact, since the summer of 2004, she had begun to believe that she was the one who was causing Natalia's internal conflict. It hadn't been hard to piece together that it was something to do with her, based only on the glances Natalia would throw her whenever she thought Svetlana wouldn't notice was enough for the woman to know that it was her who had become an issue, but Svetlana was still mildly confused on why. She hadn't asked Natalia about it. Within their friendship, they rarely asked - if they wanted to answer then they'd do it in their own respective time - and Svetlana could only respect that Natalia didn't feel comfortable telling her what had made her so nervous.
Svetlana thought that Natalia might have been getting tired of her. It had been a childish thought that had made Svetlana frown but it affected her all the same. The theory made sense. The looks, the ones that could easily be filled with nerves due to being wary of Svetlana's constant presence, and the way Natalia didn't touch her anymore were all looking towards the most unfavourable theory.
Svetlana had obviously noticed that Natalia didn't get close to her anymore. Mentally, they were still inseparable, but physically, the older woman had started to flinch away from Svetlana's skin. They'd always been a rather physical friendship, despite what they lead everyone else to believe, and often gave each other subtle touches to comfort one another in their own fucked up way. They'd often brush their fingers together during times of great stress and had once gotten into the habit of sharing beds during their missions when they were sure Hydra wouldn't notice but it had all slowly changed. It had been subtle to begin with. Natalia standing slightly further from Svetlana than usual. Natalia arching her back forward whenever Svetlana tried to place her hand on it. Natalia ordering rooms with twin beds. Natalia no longer talking to Svetlana about their life together. Natalia no longer playing with Svetlana's hair when they were all alone, a guilty pleasure that Svetlana hadn't realised until Natalia had come along, and it all accumulated eventually enough for Svetlana to notice how Natalia had withdrawn herself from their friendship.

Svetlana had another theory. A theory that she had found herself deeply wishing to be truth. Yet, it could only be wishful thinking. Svetlana found Natalia a specifically difficult person to read so couldn't seem to notice any indicators that swung in her favour.

Svetlana didn't want to mention either theories. She didn't want to scare Natalia away even further but, as the months continued to pass, nothing seemed to give the red head peace of mind and Svetlana begun to get impatient.

Natalia's fingers softly pulled Svetlana's hair over her shoulder, the feeling sent dull sparks down Svetlana's spine but she just let her eyes shut and ignored them, before delicate fingers began to kneed into the muscles connecting to her shoulders. Svetlana didn't make a noise, didn't dare to somehow push Natalia away by being overbearing, but leant back into her hands without shame. She'd always found that being subtly pushy was the way to manipulate Natalia into trusting her. Natalia had moved herself so she was sat, legs bent, spread around Svetlana's back, and Svetlana's skin burned as she felt the woman's breath on the nape of her neck.
It was only when Natalia pressed her thumb slightly deeper than usual into a particularly tender muscle that Svetlana took advantage of the situation and prepared herself to really figure out which of her theories were correct.
Svetlana let her muscles go soft under Natalia's fingers and, with enough precision to look accidental, allowed her head to lean back against Natalia's shoulder. She felt the woman tense from under her but she continued to push the boundaries of their friendship as she looked up at Natalia's face. The woman tried hard to not meet her gaze but, after delicately and subtly rubbing her nose against the woman's jawline, she looks down with hesitant eyes. Her fingers stopped working against muscle, realising that Svetlana's muscles had never bothered her to begin with, and Svetlana could see the way Natalia's breath caught in her throat. Svetlana was sure of herself - hoping that she was making the right move - but was also aware that her next movements could completely ruin whatever the pair had worked hard to blossom together.
Natalia shifted slightly and flinched when Svetlana had gone to let her fingers caress her cheek.
❝Have you grown tired of me Natalia? Is that why you flinch away?❞
Natalia startled for a moment. She seemed shocked that Svetlana had even considered it a reason, something that only made the younger woman grin to herself internally, but had found herself quick enough to respond without it sounding like hesitation.
❝No. That's not it at all.❞
She had said with a sense of finality that made Svetlana know she was telling the truth.

A silence had seemed to pass through them both for minutes. Svetlana didn't cease her stare on Natalia. She kept her head carefully on the other woman's shoulder and had continued to admire the beautiful woman above her with no filter.
❝Do you find me attractive?❞
She spoke, voice sounding gravelly, and broke the silence. Natalia froze completely, jaw tensing violently, but didn't seem to take her eyes off of the fire in front of them. After the longest amount of time, Svetlana began to worry that she'd read the signs wrong. That was until Natalia responded.
❝Svetlana, I think we ought to rest now-❞
The older woman spoke with a steel like tone. Svetlana almost wanted to obey her, an urge she'd never found herself feeling unless she was around the woman, but knew that if she did, they would forever be stuck at an awkward stage of skinny love.

Natalia had hated how Svetlana could read her like an open book. In fact, she wondered if the woman had known the whole time. She couldn't bring herself to look at her, couldn't bring herself to feel the heartbreak of unrequited love, and couldn't bring herself to want to hear the disgust drip from Svetlana's tone that was sure to come. She was about to completely remove herself from the cabin, perhaps take a long walk around the snowy forest, when she felt a pair of lips meet her tense jaw. It didn't end there however as kisses seemed to be lightly spread from the top of her jaw all the way down to her neck. Natalia felt as though she couldn't breathe. She found herself worrying that she was having another dream that would end in her waking up in disappointment. Yet, the solidness of the lips still scattering light touches along her skin only seemed to convince her more and more that she was in reality and that Svetlana Smirnov was kissing her.
She felt as a pair of soft but strong hands push her lightly onto her back, Natalia's skin feeling the warm rug underneath them pad her landing, and let her head fall back as well. She wanted to watch. She wanted to make sure that it was actually Svetlana and not her imagination but, as lips began to move closer to her breasts, she couldn't help but feel her breath catch in her throat and cement her head to the ground.
Above her Svetlana worked her way back up to to her jaw, teasing her, before lips hovered next to hers.
❝Do you find me attractive, Ickle Spider?❞
Natalia felt a wave of frustration flood her senses as her whole body yearns for Svetlana to kiss her. She'd never imagined for Svetlana to indulge her in her impure sexual thoughts but, now that she had her willingly, she ached for them to melt into each other.
Svetlana only places another lingering kiss of Natalia's sensitive jugular.
❝I said, do you find-❞
❝Yes.❞
Natalia manages to growl out before pinning Svetlana to the ground, rolling them both over, and only feels a flurry of want when she sees Svetlana's pupils dilate with a similar need. They both stare at each other for few moments before both of their lips hungrily touch and their tongues intertwine.

Hydra had once taught them about sexuality.
They said that only men and women could love each other naturally and anything else would be purely for manipulation during mission. Svetlana was sure they were all wrong. After all, if they were unnatural, why did they feel so right together?

[rare authors note!1!1!1!]
#SvetlanaIsASub2018
Guess who had to write light lesbian smut whilst in the same room as their families? ME. Okay, I haven't ever written smut before. Like ever. And it's not even that I feel uncomfortable writing it - it's just I'm not sure if you guys want it tbh? The story will be the same with or without it so I really don't mind coming back and writing a full smut scene as I have a tendency of leaving steamy chapters up to the reader's imagination. But yeah, smut or no smut? You guys can decide. Anyways, this book has six more chapters left but I might think of extending their story more in the future but as of now, it will be the end of their story. Hope you guys are enjoying this! See you next chapter.