BAD BITCH
❝these were the women who knitted pain into glory❞

09. Mission Hindered

October 2003

The growing of her stomach couldn't be ignored for any longer.

To begin with, Natalia presumed it to be bloating. It had been the first time, since they'd joined Hydra's league, where she'd been partnered with Svetlana. Instead, she'd tended to be placed with the other surviving Black Widows whilst the youngest spent most of her days training alongside the legend of the Winter Solider. Natalia wasn't jealous. She knew that Svetlana deserved to be recognised for her power, and that the girl would never consent to a relationship due to her aggressive nature, but Romanova couldn't help but feel bitter at the loss of her teammate. She'd spent most of the past three years side by side with Svetlana. Madame B had been incredibly supportive of their alliance, blind to their deeper connection however, and had even highly recommended their partnership to the men in charge of Hydra.
However, for whatever reason, the soldiers had gone against what the woman had said and very specifically separated them. Natalia, no matter how many nights she spent yearning and wondering, couldn't seem to see why they'd been placed apart when they were such a strong team together. Perhaps it were because Hydra wanted their two strongest members to become independent from one another so, in the future, they could be controlled easier and even become leaders of separate divisions. It was the only theory that Natalia seemed to agree with so she pretended that it was the real reason and tried not to think about it further.

She very rarely saw the girl. From the moment they'd arrived, enduring a three day drive in the back of a van like cattle, they'd both been separated to opposite sides of the compound. For obvious reasons, they hadn't resisted. Yet, at the sight of Svetlana's fear, Natalia wished that she could have run away with her. In fact, during the first two months of being trained and used by Hydra, Natalia regretfully daydreamed often about where and how they'd both leave. She liked to believe they'd get a small place together where no one could find them and, over time, grow old.
It was a childish dream.
After three months of not seeing the girl, she began to loose hope. That very dream of running away faded into nothing more than a thought in the back of her head every time she felt like giving in to death's grip - whether it be from a bullet or sepsis.

They'd been placed together after over half a year of separation. Neither knew whom they were to be placed with until they'd seen the other.
Natalia had been the first to arrive. Carted in, arms bound dangerously tight behind her back, by two Hydra operatives and had been forced to sit. To say their treatment were different from the Red Room would have been an understatement. Hydra seemed to be filled with sadists who enjoyed exerting power over the female Widows and anyone who got in their way whereas the KGB only cared for their own success and would care for their soldiers if only for their own benefit. Natalia had sat on the metal chair, willing herself to remain impassive to the abuse spewing from the men's mouths towards her. It had been one of the first moments since she'd been very young where she thought of giving up all together. She supposed that she could refuse to work but, then again, would the torture of been worth it? Natalia knew that the mission she'd been given would be easy, supposing that if only two operatives were needed then it would simply be another assassination or extraction mission. She'd begun to slip into her thoughts, a dangerous slip due to how hard it had become to shake herself back into reality when her mind had become such a comforting dimension, when the door had swung open and she'd seen her. Svetlana didn't look to be in too bad a condition. She definitely wasn't in a good one though. It looked as though, from the quick evaluation Natalia did in her head, that she'd lost a lot of weight in the span of the seven months they'd been in the compound despite the slight bloat around her stomach but she seemed just as aggressive as usual. In fact, as she was shoved into her own seat, she'd bitten one of the operatives who'd manhandled her and simply smiled when they'd pulled a gun on her. It seemed as though she knew her own power and necessity within Hydra and had been playing it to her own advantage.
❝Careful boys, I like it rough.❞
She purrs, grinding against her chair obscenely with a big smirk on her lips, and Natalia had to dig her nails into her palms until they had bled just to stop the smile that was trying to crawl onto her face. She'd had to try with every inch of willpower she had within her to remain as stoic as she had been before Svetlana entering. Thankfully, she'd succeeded and, when her inferiors looked to her, she had convinced them all that she held no glimpse of emotion towards the woman.

They'd been sent out to a mostly vacant motel in Southern Korea, a great cultural leap from their usual Russian views, to simply assassinate a political figure from a crowd and would return back to their rooms to be collected earlier the following morning. It had been a strangely simple mission, one that left Natalia questioning as to why they'd needed both of them there, but neither women had spoken until they'd set foot into their motel room. Svetlana had scanned the room cleanly for any devices used to track their conversations or motions and had come back empty handed, to Natalia's relief, before they'd collected one another into a tight embrace.
It hadn't been too emotional, neither shedding any tears although both women thought them incapable of emoting anymore, but Natalia had felt a strong wave of home. It had been a simple revaluation; Svetlana Smirnov would always be her home and comfort wherever they went and no matter how long they spent apart.

Natalia and Svetlana didn't converse much after that, however. Both had become so used to being silenced, Svetlana less than Natalia, that they'd found it difficult to even begin a conversation. The eldest of the pair could sense that the youngest had something burning in her throat. She knew that she had something to tell her and that it would be a waiting game as to when Svetlana would open up again. Natalia couldn't help but feel slightly bitter once again. She'd spent three years worming her way into the girl's inner circle, which consisted of just her, and had become her main trustee. That had all been wiped within the first half of a year being with Hydra. It was frightening. For one of the first moments in her small life, Natalia began to fear for her own sanity. They'd only been with Hydra for seven months and already both women had become impartial to conversation, not knowing how to begin or hold one, and had even alienated themselves from each other. Natalia Romanova knew that Hydra would tear them apart.
She simply didn't know what to do to stop it.

❝There's a child in the way. No clean shot.❞
❝Shoot through the child; the gun is more than capable to pass two skulls.❞
❝We could wait-❞
❝We have one mission, Natalia. Do it.❞
Natalia hadn't been able to do it. The small boy sitting on his father's shoulders had just been in the way of the bullet and there was no other alternative route. They didn't have enough time to move to another area and certainly didn't have enough time to begin messing about with different angles. They'd gotten the perfect shot and Svetlana seemed determined to get it. Natalia just couldn't bring herself to pull the trigger. Her finger had hesitated and simply stopped. She just couldn't move her finger and she felt as though every moral in her body had resurfaced from her childhood years.
Svetlana knew when Natalia wouldn't make a shot. She knew the moment Natalia had frowned down the scope that she couldn't be able to do it.
❝For gods sake.❞
Svetlana had gruffly sworn before tearing the rifle from Natalia's grip, looking quickly into the scope, and taking the shot. Just as she'd said, the bullet had no problem with the resistance of two brains and had hit both people through their skulls. Natalia could only watch as the brains of the child splattered onto the parent, watch as the man choked over sobs and screamed from the agony of grief, and could only watch as Svetlana seemed to smirk at her clean shot.
They'd been sitting in the balcony of an empty apartment and had been quick to escape, making sure to leave no fingerprints behind, before the armed forces began to follow where they believed the shot to have been fired.

They got back to their motel room quickly. Natalia hadn't spoken since Svetlana had made the shot. The younger woman knew that it had been a moment of extreme emotions for both of them but the girl also knew that she'd rather have had taken the shot and caused one man to grieve for a while than face the Winter Solider with disappointment.
That was why she knew she needed help. Svetlana had been quick to realise that her biggest fear was her superiors and the problem she had been plagued with would result in her own death if proven to go in the wrong direction.

Natalia had watched as Svetlana had stood from the chair she'd been sitting on. Both women had been sitting on the motel balcony for a few hours, watching the sun fade down, in absolute silence. Natalia knew she should have spoken. She regretted wasting the few missions she'd have with the woman sulking, not knowing when they'd next be partnered together, if ever, but the image of the father screaming seemed to repeat in her brain like a constant loop.
When Svetlana had stood up and left, Natalia only felt more regret. She'd wished to speak with the girl, motivate them both to carry on, yet she'd managed to push Svetlana away even further. Natalia had just begun to berate herself, demanding for herself to go and apologise for her silence, when Svetlana had returned armed with a bottle of vodka. Now Natalia had felt her spirits rise momentarily, assuming it to be a social drink, before her eyes fell on the scalpel in the woman's other hand.
Svetlana had all but slammed the scalpel on the balcony table, the sharp sound of metal on glass resonating through Natalia's brain, and looked at the red head with a look of pure conflict. The women stared at each other for a while. Both had a tsunami of questions that they wanted answering but were both too hesitant to even begin to ask them. The sun had long set and held host to a sky filled with stars, the night uncharacteristically clear for a winter month. Svetlana couldn't help but look at them over Natalia's shoulder.
❝Natalia, I need a favour.❞

Back when she was very little, perhaps five or six, she'd been trained by the Winter Solider. Her mother had insisted on the best so they'd called the man in. Svetlana had been just as blood thirsty when she had been young but she'd still been rather clingy to parental figures. She'd seen him, in her tiny simple brain, as the closest thing to parent he could get. But, as the months between electroshock therapy grew larger, he began to remember stories that his own Ma (as he had called her) had told him. One of them was goes like this: when someone dies, because a matter cannot cannot be destroyed, their soul will go to the sky and be able to shine just as they were meant to in the form of stars. It had been one of many stories she'd been told but it had seemed to stick.

It had been a slight relief to see him again but then again, they'd wiped him, he had no memories of what he'd done to her for her to get into Hydra.

Those stars in the sky were all she could think about as she downed the vodka. It burnt her throat but she hoped that the whole bottle would be enough for her to black out. Natalia was shaking, scalpel in hand, and seemed to be crying. The tears running down the older woman's face could have been in Svetlana's head, however, as the liquor had already began to give her double vision.
❝I can't do it!❞
Natalia bursted, fear bubbling in her eyes, as her chest began to rise and fall heavily. The woman was hyperventilating but Svetlana didn't have enough time for her to back out.
❝Natalia, please. If you won't do this Hydra will and they won't allow be the liberty of blacking out.❞
Svetlana slurs.

Svetlana hadn't realised it before but she could hold her liquor. Even as the scalpel had sliced away at her skin, she didn't black out. She screamed, towel in mouth, and screamed and screamed and screamed and when her voice went hoarse, she sobbed. It was the worst pain imaginable. Her body, thanks to the conditioning it had received to pain, didn't allow her to black out until the very last moment. Just as Natalia had reached into her stomach and pulled it out, a memory she would forever remember, she'd passed out and lost consciousness.

Natalia had gotten it out without problem. She'd had the common sense enough to not cut too deep and had cauterised the wound with a lighter. The sounds of Svetlana's screams would haunt her forever but she hadn't thrashed about. Everything had gone fine.

It was just that neither had predicted for it to take a breath. It had been seven months. Too early.
Yet it took a breath - and didn't stop.
Natalia had taken it, holding it in her arms, and watched as it lived.

She took the knife and slit its throat.

They'd muttered on the drive to the civilian airport. Svetlana could only clutch her stomach wound and hope that the homemade stitches, made with a needle and sewing thread, wouldn't rupture. Every bump they went over made Svetlana feel as though she could spill her guts all over the floor of the car. It had felt good not having to wrap her stomach up in bandages to the point of bruising, however.

❝Did you get rid of it, Natalia?❞
❝She's gone.❞

Whenever Svetlana looked at the sky from then on, she would always search for the brightest star.