VANCES POV YAAAYYYY

i can't believe she has to tutor me. what the fuck is this? i knew my grades were bad, but really? a tutor? and as if it wasn't already bad enough, it had to be y/n! we haven't talked in years.

well, we've talked, but not like friends. i bug the shit out of her everyday. she usually doesn't say anything, sometimes she reacts, but she usually doesn't get too upset. i'm pretty sure i've made her cry before, i'm not proud of it at all, i can't believe i'm admitting this but i feel bad being reason she's crying.

i feel kinda bad when i'm bugging her sometimes. cause sometimes i say stuff i genuinely don't mean, it just slips out, a really bad habit of mine, and she looks so upset it makes me feel bad. which really isn't normal for me. i don't care about anyone or anything, besides my pinball machine. hell, i hardly even care about myself.

y/n and i were best friends for a loonngg time. seven years to be exact. i know she misses me, and that makes me feel bad too, the way she looks at me sometimes like, 'why did you do that? come back.'

the only reason i started ignoring her was because my feelings for her grew, and it took me a month to realize that. i didn't like how i started to have feelings for her, so i ignored and bullied her, so they would go away. but i just ended up hurting the both of us.

it broke my heart that day when i yelled in her face to fuck off. she started crying, because of me. i would never admit it out loud but of course i miss her, she was my best friend, she was so good to me. her mom too, y/n never knew about how my step-dad treats me, but valentina did. (ur mom btw and her nickname is valen).

FLASHBACK

4 years ago (he's nine years old)

"why the fuck did your grades go down %20?!" michael screamed in my face. why does he act like he cares so much. he only gives a shit about alcohol and my mom. he always hated me. i wish mama was home.

(yes he's a mamas boy idgaf what you say 😤)

"i don't know" i said, scared. i was used to it by now, but it was still scary. especially knowing how much this is gonna hurt. math was always my worst subject, i flunks all my test and quizzes because i never understand any of it, and when i think i understand i get it completely wrong.

"you been flunking all your tests boy?" he shouted. i stayed quiet and looked at the ground. "don't lie to me boy! you been flunking or not?" he said in a lower tone. "yes" i quietly said.

i hardly remember what happened after that. but i remember it hurt like a bitch. "get out!" micheal shouted in my face. "what?" i whispered, is he seriously kicking me out? "i said, GET. OUT." he shouted again.

i scrambled to my feet and ran out of the house, running through my backyard into y/n's, to the front and rapidly knocking on the door. valentina answered. she saw what state i was in and she freaked out.

"oh my gosh, vance what happened sweetie? come here" she said as she led me to the bathroom. i love when she calls me sweetie, she only calls me that, not even y/n. she usually calls her honey. i didn't say anything. she cleaned me up and told me to sit on the couch with her.

"who did this to you, sweetie?" she said, extremely worried. i just stared at her. i didn't know what to say. should i just tell her or say it was some bully? "um" i muttered. "go ahead, take ur time it's ok" she said rubbing my arm back and forth.

"um, my dad" i said quickly and quietly. tears were flowing down my face at this point, even though i didn't want them to. she just hugged me and i sobbed into her shoulder for i'd say a good hour.

once she noticed i calmed down a bit she told me i could stay over anytime i'd like. "um, valen?" i asked quietly. "what is it sweetie?" she replied. "can we not tell y/n about this?" i asked, scared she'd ask why. because i don't know why. "yeah, i promise i wont tell, ok?" i nodded my head and fell fast asleep.

END OF FLASHBACK

i miss her. hell, i miss both of them, so so much. i want to be friends with her again, but after two years of bullying her, i can't just go up to her and be like 'hey wanna be friends again and pretend like i didn't ghost you and make you cry?'

i think she hates me, by the way she looks at me. like not in a 'omg he's such an asshole just leave me alone' look but more of a 'why does he do this to me, what did i ever do wrong?' kind of look. but then again im not sure.

cause when she catches me looking at her she doesn't just turn around, or give me a dirty look or anything like that. she smiles. she just smiles, gosh her smile is gorgeous though, i mean she's gorgeous overall, even my friends think she's pretty. wait what? no, no, no. i can't have any feelings towards her, i just cant, that's the whole reason i started bullying her in the first place.

am i catching feelings again?

are people actually reading this? 😭

also i have playlist thingy in my drafts but idk if i should publish ur cause theres only 13 songs