Wei Wuxian tried to open the door as quietly as possible. He wasn't certain what time it was, but it was late. So late that it might almost be considered early. For all Wei Wuxian knew it might have been a few hours before Lan Wangji would be rising for the day. Wei Wuxian didn't want to cause any more stress than he already was. With everything else... he didn't need to add interrupting sleep to his list of sins.

Wei Wuxian expected to crack open the door to a dark room. He expected to be navigating by faint moonlight before he stumbled into bed. He froze in place once he opened the door. Lan Wangji sat at the table, bathed in the warm glow of lamp light. Lan Wangji was sitting at the table... awake. Lan Wangji was sitting there drinking tea like it wasn't the middle of the night.

Wei Wuxian anxiously glanced around the room. His first thought was that something must be wrong with A-Yuan or Nuan-er. That Lan Wangji had needed to stay up to take care of them. Wei Wuxian's mind was filled with images of Lan Wangji having to care for an sooth a sick or crying child all alone. Alone, because Wei Wuxian was hiding and pulling apart curses instead of being with his family.

"A-Yuan and Nuan-er are alright. They are with Jiang Yanli and Luo Qingyang." Lan Wangji spoke, perhaps seeing Wei Wuxian's anxiety.

Wei Wuxian calmed slightly, but found a different sort of concern rising in the back of his mind. Why were they staying with Jiang Yanli and Luo Qingyang? Why was Lan Wangji still awake?

The cold dread creeping in the edges of Wei Wuxian's mind whispered. 'It's because of you. It's your fault.' Wei Wuxian fidgeted slightly. He had expected to come back to a dark room. He expected to slip into bed and curl up against a warm body without having to think about anything.

Before Wei Wuxian could figure out what to do Lan Wangji stood and crossed the room. A warm hand caressed Wei Wuxian's cheek. Wei Wuxian melted. The tension that had been building since he found Lan Wangji awake slid out with a sigh as Wei Wuxian leaned into the touch.

They were okay. Lan Wangji was touching him. Wei Wuxian hadn't ruined this yet. That fear had been climbing in the back of Wei Wuxian's mind more and more of late. Wei Wuxian hadn't even realized it was there. Never looking at it too closely, afraid of what he might fine. Until he came back to their room and found Lan Wangji waiting up for him. Then that fear had suddenly crashed to the forefront of his mind.

"I do not want to go to sleep another night without Wei Ying." Lan Wangji said softly. Wei Wuxian's breath caught in his throat.

"Lan... Lan Zhan," Wei Wuxian's voice came out breathy.

Wei Wuxian wasn't sure if it was a question or maybe the start of a longer sentence. Wei Wuxian wasn't certain what the sentence might have been, because then Lan Wangji was kissing him. Wei Wuxian gave up paying attention to anything else. He trusted Lan Wangji to hold him upright. To lead him wherever he needed to be.

The next thing Wei Wuxian knew they were sitting on the bed. Wei Wuxian's hands were tightly gripping Lan Wangji's robes. Wei Wuxian did not remember grabbing onto Lan Wangji, but he fully supported this development. Wei Wuxian rested his head on Lan Wangji's shoulder as he relearned how to breathe. The room was quiet except for their rapid breaths as they both calmed down.

"You've been avoiding me." Lan Wangji said quietly. Wei Wuxian turned towards Lan Wangji abruptly. He opened his mouth to protest, but Lan Wangji's eyebrow twitched up in a look that usually meant Wei Wuxian's arguments were not likely to be as sound as he thought they were.

"I haven't," Wei Wuxian protested anyway. The eyebrow of doubt twitched higher. Wei Wuxian frowned petulantly.

"Mn." Lan Wangji hummed doubtfully.

"I got distracted. Untangling curses is interesting." Wei Wuxian continued to protest. It was a weak excuse. The curses he had been dealing with so far were just barely interesting enough to keep his mind occupied. He had been throwing himself into one after another with a desperation to try and keep his mind in the present.

"Wei Ying." Lan Wangji's voice sounded soft. A note of anguish laced into the words that pulled tightly at Wei Wuxian's heart. "I want to help."

Wei Wuxian's heart ached at the tone in Lan Wangji's voice. The things he was trying to keep out of his mind began creeping back in. Wei Wuxian pulled his hands back and wrapped them around his middle.

"You have to tell me what you need. Please. Tell me how to help." Lan Wangji's voice sounded so wounded. Wei Wuxian wanted to throw himself into Lan Wangji's arms and soothe the hurt from his Love's voice.

Wei Wuxian couldn't move. Wei Wuxian knew what was wrong. He knew Lan Wangji was right, and he had been avoiding Lan Wangji. Avoiding Lan Wangji. Avoiding Cloud Recesses. Avoiding anything that mattered too much. Wei Wuxian was scared. He was so scared that he was going to lose everything again. He'd lost everything once.

If Wei Wuxian had to hear those rejections again. If he had to see everything taken from him again... There would be nothing left. He'd disappear, because surely that amount of pain could not physically exist inside one person. Surely at that point he would simply cease to exist, but it would hurt while he disappeared.

A very quiet voice in Wei Wuxian's head told him he should tell Lan Wangji. He should explain what he was afraid of. Lan Wangji loved him, and Lan Wangji would help. Wei Wuxian couldn't make any of the words come out. They got caught in his throat. No matter how much he knew he should explain, he couldn't make himself do it.

Lan Wangji must be so confused by now. The way Wei Wuxian refused to talk about Cloud Recesses. The way he refused to discuss their pending marriage. Now Wei Wuxian was avoiding Lan Wangji too. Wei Wuxian hadn't really thought about it that way at the time. He just remembered being afraid to be asked again about going to Gusu, or setting a date for their marriage.

Wei Wuxian didn't have a plan. He was too afraid to make a plan, and too afraid of being asked to make a plan. Only now was Wei Wuxian realizing how that all would look on the outside. Did Lan Wangji think Wei Wuxian was second guessing their relationship? Was he second guessing their relationship?

'NO!' Wei Wuxian's mind screamed in immediate response to that question. Which was really frustrating because now Wei Wuxian knew. He knew he absolutely still loved and wanted a life with Lan Wangji. And, he knew he was acting like he wanted to break up with Lan Wangji. Wei Wuxian buried his face in his hands in frustration.

"I can't..." Wei Wuxian's voice came out small and choked. "You're right. And I need... I need to talk... But I can't... I can't make the words come out." Wei Wuxian said miserably.

Wei Wuxian tried mustering the courage. Tried to say the things he was worried about out loud. Whenever he got close his throat seemed to tighten and his heart squeezed tight. Wei Wuxian felt like an absolute coward. He let out a grunt of frustration.

"Why can't I make the words come out?!" Wei Wuxian screamed into his own hands, muffling the pain and frustration as much as he could while it spilled out of him. There was a long beat of silence.

"May I touch?" Lan Wangji asked softly.

Wei Wuxian nodded his head, not bothered to attempt talking right now. Wei Wuxian hated this. Wei Wuxian was good at talking. He didn't like this feeling of having words stuck in his throat.

Warm arms wrapped around Wei Wuxian and pulled him in close. One hand began to rub soothing circles on his back. A sigh slid out of Lan Wangji's lips and Wei Wuxian felt an echoing release in his own shoulders. Wei Wuxian buried his face in Lan Wangji's hair, reassured that the contact seemed to be as comforting for Lan Wangji as it was for Wei Wuxian.

"Would it be easier to correct what I say, rather than speak yourself?" Lan Wangji asked. His voice was warm. No judgment or ridicule at Wei Wuxian's inability to find words. Of course Lan Wangji wouldn't judge him for not being able to find words. Lan Wangji probably understood that feeling better than most people.

"Maybe." Wei Wuxian said with a tired sigh. It was worth a try at least. A long pause as Lan Wangji picked through his own thoughts and put them into words.

"Are you afraid to return to Gusu?" Lan Wangji asked tentatively. Wei Wuxian involuntarily shivered before tucking himself more tightly against Lan Wangji. Wei Wuxian supposed that was probably answer enough. He still took a deep breath to prepare himself to respond verbally.

"Yes." Wei Wuxian's voice came out much quieter than he had expected it to. He felt like such a coward. There was a very long pause. Wei Wuxian had started to squirm anxiously in the silence, but Lan Wangji resumed slowly rubbing circles into his back.

"I am not angry or disappointed that you are scared." Lan Wangji soothed.

Wei Wuxian froze. He didn't realize how much he had needed to hear that until Lan Wangji said it. Wei Wuxian clung tighter to Lan Wangji as some of the tension bled from his shoulders. Wei Wuxian focused on the feeling of the warmth of Lan Wangji's hand as it rubbed circles into his back.

"It is not because of the things you have complained about. It is not the food, the weather, or the rules." Lan Wangji said each point slowly. Giving Wei Wuxian time to respond to correct a single point without having to refute the whole.

Wei Wuxian squirmed a little at the last one, but didn't refute what Lan Wangji said. Lan Wangji paused for a long time. Taking apart that reaction and piecing together some sort of meaning.

"Is it related to the rules?" Lan Wangji prodded gently.

Wei Wuxian wanted to explain. Say that it wasn't because he was afraid of the rules, but the rules were a symbol of why he couldn't go back. Wei Wuxian was a demonic cultivator now. Not just someone who secretly knew how to do it. He had used it openly and killed thousands of people with it. Lan Qiren had thrown him out of class for suggesting that using resentful energy could be possible. Wei Wuxian would never be accepted into the GusuLan sect as he was now. A demonic cultivator. Tainted. Disgusting. Evil.

Wei Wuxian took a few breaths to gather his nerves. He licked his lips anxiously as he searched for something he could make himself say out loud. What could he say? He couldn't go to Cloud Recesses, because he knew he was everything the GusuLan sect hated? He couldn't go to Cloud Recesses, because even though Lan Qiren had never liked him, Wei Wuxian still cared about the gruff acceptance he had received from Lan Qiren in his last months at the Cloud Recesses.

Wei Wuxian couldn't go to Cloud Recesses, because if he had it taken away from him he would break. Wei Wuxian had lost every home he ever had. He had been terrified to accept any other place as home, but Lan Wangji had pulled him in and created a place for him. Wei Wuxian knew it was there, and he wanted it. He loved that Lan Wangji had made that space for him and welcomed him into it.

Wei Wuxian could not bear to have one more home taken away from him. Better to stay away and pretend he could go back, than to return and have his fears confirmed. Wei Wuxian swallowed past his anxiety and opened his mouth to speak.

"Do not associate with evil." The words came out whisper quiet. They sounded soft, but Wei Wuxian felt like he had had to rip them out of his soul. They hurt. Why did everything have to hurt? The arms around Wei Wuxian tightened, like Lan Wangji needed to make sure Wei Wuxian wouldn't disappear from his arms.

"Wei Ying is not evil." Lan Wangji said as he pressed his lips to the crown of Wei Wuxian's head. Of course Lan Wangji would say that, but... "Wei Ying will be welcomed into the GusuLan sect. Wei Ying will not be punished. Wei Ying belongs in Cloud Recesses. That will not be taken away."

Wei Wuxian choked on a surprised sob. Wei Wuxian had expected the first part. He understood that Lan Wangji always managed to see something good and beautiful in Wei Wuxian. Even when all Wei Wuxian could see in himself was something tainted and unworthy. So of course Lan Wangji would say that he wasn't evil. The rest though... The security in those beautiful promises. Tears were soaking into the robes under Wei Wuxian's cheek.

"Wei Ying. We are not repeating the same future. You will not be abandoned. You will not have to struggle alone trying to do the right thing. We can marry." Lan Wangji paused to breathe. He was usually the one who struggled to piece together words, and it meant so much to Wei Wuxian how much Lan Wangji had worked at saying things out loud. "Have you been afraid to talk about our future together, because you think it will be taken away?" Lan Wangji's voice was so gentle, but the words still struck like a physical blow.

It was going to be taken away. Wei Wuxian had already seen the looks. Full of contempt

Wei Wuxian started shaking. The tears came faster. His eyes burned with them as his throat tightened around repressed sobs. Wei Wuxian just barely managed to nod his head, still buried in Lan Wangji's neck. Lan Wangji held Wei Wuxian close. He buried his nose in Wei Wuxian's hair.

"I'm here, Wei Ying. You won't lose me." Lan Wangji whispered soothingly. A choked broken sound escaped between Wei Wuxian's teeth before he could swallow it back. Lan Wangji adjusted them on the bed until they were laying down. Wei Wuxian trembled in his arms. Tears soaked through Lan Wangji's robes.

Wei Wuxian still couldn't make himself talk about it, but at least Lan Wangji knew. It was different now. Even if Wei Wuxian couldn't talk about it. Just the fact that he knew that Lan Wangji understood what he was afraid of, was enough. It was enough for the pain and fear to pour out of Wei Wuxian in violent sobs. It was enough to let Wei Wuxian shake apart and trust Lan Wangji's arms to keep him mostly together.

"I'm here, Wei Ying." Lan Wangji whispered into Wei Wuxian's hair. "I'm here."