"I was thinking about what the YunmengJiang sect gave me. What I owe them. What I've done to them. How I feel about all of it." Wei Wuxian said quietly. "I used to always say that they saved my life. They gave me a home and a family. I owe them everything. The guilt of... of that... and what I... I..." Wei Wuxian let out a huff of frustration.

'Why is it so hard to say?!' Wei Wuxian shouted internally.

'Because I don't even know what I am trying to say.' Wei Wuxian grumbled to himself silently in response to his own question. He took several slow breaths to calm himself down. Focus. Start from something he could explain. Something he could at least organize in his head.

"At first I thought about them giving me a home. I thought about what a home is, and... I determined that Lotus Pier wasn't ever really my home. I never felt completely comfortable or safe there. It was a residence. A place I could sleep that had a roof and offered shelter. It just always felt like I could lose it at any moment. It could be taken away... I could be thrown away." Wei Wuxian explained quietly.

'Okay. I already walked through that part on my own. It's not comfortable to say, but at least the thoughts are in a coherent order.' Wei Wuxian coached himself. Lan Wangji's arms tightened briefly around Wei Wuxian. A silent statement protesting such treatment, promising to not do the same. Another slow breath before Wei Wuxian continued.

"So... They gave me a residence and food. The ability to learn and cultivate." Wei Wuxian listed off. "These are things that every disciple has access to. Disciples do owe something to their sect, but... I don't think I would expect from them what I expect from myself." Wei Wuxian said tentatively. It was very hesitant, because that was suspiciously close to acknowledging that what was asked of him might have been wrong.

"Mn." Lan Wangji agreed firmly. Wei Wuxian was aware that Lan Wangji strongly agreed with Wen Qing about a lot of things. Especially when it came to the YunmengJiang sect. Doubly so when it came to Wei Wuxian's expectations of himself. He was grateful for Lan Wangji's patience and silence. Wei Wuxian needed the space to think about this without someone immediately jumping loudly on one side or another of the argument. Lan Wangji gave a brief affirmation to which opinion he favoured and then just waited.

"I wasn't treated just like any disciple though. I was included in events and dinners like I was part of the Jiang Clan. I was given... family?" Wei Wuxian's last sentence turned into a question, and he hated it as much as he felt like he needed to ask it.

"I... I was always told I was 'practically adopted.' That Sect Leader Jiang treated me like a son. That I was raised with Shijie and Jiang Cheng like we were siblings. That the Jiangs gave me a family. At the same time Madam Yu made it quite clear I was not family. I just... I'm wondering if they are my family? What... What is family?" Wei Wuxian asked quietly.

"I... I don't think family has to be blood. Jiejie and A-Ning are my family. I feel certain about that. It isn't the same as how I felt with the Jiangs, but similar in some ways at least. Shijie... Jiang Cheng... Jiang-shushu..." Wei Wuxian's voice got increasingly quiet. "Am I family to them?" Lan Wangji pulled Wei Wuxian close with a small sigh.

"The question is wrong." Lan Wangji said softly. Wei Wuxian turned to look at Lan Wangji. Eyes shiny with unshed tears blinked in confusion.

"What do you mean?" Wei Wuxian asked. Lan Wangji frowned slightly as if trying to think of how to explain.

"Loved them? In the past?" Lan Wangji inquired somewhat uncomfortably.

"Yes." Wei Wuxian answered. This question was at least an easy one.

"But they hurt you," Lan Wangji continued. Wei Wuxian wasn't certain if that was a statement or a question. He began curling up reflexively.

"We... We all got hurt..." Wei Wuxian said quietly. Lan Wangji captured Wei Wuxian's face between his hands and gently turned Wei Wuxian to look him in the eyes.

"Wei Ying. They hurt you." Lan Wangji said gently. Wei Wuxian bit his lip and glanced to the side to try and avoid Lan Wangji's eyes.

"I just... Everyone tells me how much Sect Leader Jiang cares about me. Everyone says he treats me better than his own son. Strangers say it. Madam Yu says it. Jiang Cheng says it. I... I used to believe it too, and it made me mad. I wanted it to stop, because I didn't want Madam Yu to hate me or Jiang Cheng to feel hurt. But I couldn't disappoint Sect Leader Jiang either. If I did he might decide taking me in wasn't worth it." Wei Wuxian said, his voice full of pain.

"Except... Now I'm not sure if he ever thought of me like I was family. The last thing he said to me before he died... he told me to take care of Jiang Cheng. When we were talking in the meeting. The words sounded like concerns, but... it didn't feel like he was actually concerned about me. It felt like he was concerned about me not being in Lotus Pier. Not being here where I can protect Jiang Cheng and Shijie. I expect it from Madam Yu. It has always been clear that she felt the only place I belonged was beneath her children. To protect them and serve as their subordinate. Hearing Jiang-shushu... Sect Leader Jiang, say almost the exact same thing as her as their last words to me. It hurts. It hurts so much more." Wei Wuxian said quietly.

"Wei Ying. You do not have to let them keep hurting you. You do not owe them that." Lan Wangji said, trying to capture Wei Wuxian's gaze once more. Lan Wangji swallowed nervously trying to think back through some of the discussions he had had with Wen Qing.

'Wei Ying's Jiejie had been eager to discuss many things at length. Most likely because she knew she would have to be away from Wei Wuxian for an extended period of time.' Lan Wangji reflected back on some of those conversations. Many about Wen Qing's concerns around Wei Wuxian's feelings of obligation and guilt.

"They chose to take Wei Ying from the streets. Chose to raise you. In return Wei Ying gave love and loyalty. Gave their children friendship and protection. They also gave pain, guilt, and shame... Wei Ying is not obligated to accept these as gifts, whether family or not." Lan Wangji said slowly. Wei Wuxian buried his face into Lan Wangji chest, sighing deeply.

"I don't know how to say no to Jiang Cheng." Wei Wuxian said quietly. "I... I am not sure I know how to say no to any of them actually." Wei Wuxian slowly realized.

"Mn." Lan Wangji hummed. It was clear Lan Wangji already knew this.

"Today. Jiang Cheng asked me to go into town with him. I knew it was a bad idea. I knew I was already unsettled after the conversation with Sect Leader Jiang. I knew going into town would be stressful, and likely to trigger feelings of panic. I just felt too guilty to say no to Jiang Cheng. He... He cares about me, and he needs me. He's not used to me leaving him alone. So I made myself go, and... and then things turned out like you saw." Wei Wuxian rambled quietly. "I... I can't be everything he wants me to be. I can't give him everything he wants. It... It's breaking me. It's hurting you. I can't keep doing it." Wei Wuxian felt a sigh of relief break free from Lan Wangji's chest. Lan Wangji's arms tightened around him.

"Good." Lan Wangji said firmly.

"I'm glad you like hearing that, but I still don't know how to actually follow through." Wei Wuxian pointed out somewhat glumly.

"Start with not agreeing to leave with him without talking to me first." Lan Wangji said a little too quickly. Wei Wuxian smiled and hugged Lan Wangji tightly.

"I think I can probably do that one." Wei Wuxian said quietly. He felt Lan Wangji's tense shoulders sag with relief. Wei Wuxian's heart ached remembering how hurt Lan Wangji's voice sounded when he talked about knowing something was wrong, but not being able to find Wei Wuxian.

Wei Wuxian gently kissed Lan Wangji. The soft gentle kiss was clearly not enough, because almost immediately Lan Wangji was grabbed the back of Wei Wuxian's neck and taking control, kissing Wei Wuxian roughly. The forceful attack of Lan Wangji's tongue blended with the press of soft lips and gentle bites. It stole Wei Wuxian's breath then stole all Wei Wuxian's recollection of why it was he needed to breathe. By the time Lan Wangji pulled away, Wei Wuxian as a panting mess. His eyes were unfocused and his lungs were desperately trying to remember how to inhale and exhale normally.

"I was going to apologize for scaring you, but honestly... If this is the kind of reaction I can expect, I kind of want you to get scared so you'll do it again." Wei Wuxian gasped. Lan Wangji closed the space between them and stole Wei Wuxian's breath again. This kiss was more controlled, but no less domineering. Wei Wuxian tried to keep up with the assault to his senses, but quickly lost himself to the swirling tongue and demanding lips of Lan Wangji.

Wei Wuxian allowed himself to collapse in Lan Wangji's embrace. Slowly relearning how to breathe as Lan Wangji pulled him back down onto the bed and brought the blankets over them. Wei Wuxian cuddled in Lan Wangji's embrace with a contented sigh. He wasn't certain how long he had been up thinking and talking. Now that the anxiety was receding Wei Wuxian felt spent.

"I still need to modify the barrier." Wei Wuxian protested, but his voice was already fading. A soft kiss landed on the top of his head.

"Sleep. We can do it tomorrow night." Lan Wangji said gently.

"Mmm'kay" Wei Wuxian hummed as exhaustion pulled him into an embrace as soft and warm as the man holding him.