Wei Wuxian couldn't sleep. This wasn't really a surprise. Wei Wuxian and sleep had a complicated relationship. Starting first when he was hunkered in allies as a small child. Having to sleep in filthy and uncomfortable conditions. At any moment having to flee from street dogs or irritable vendors who felt he was too close to their stalls for their comfort. He spent his eight years at Lotus Pier adjusting to the idea that he didn't need to fear for his safety when going to sleep at night.

Then Lotus Pier was gone and Wei Wuxian was thrown into Burial Mounds. Suddenly his time on the streets looked quaint and comfortable. Not only had it been impossible to distinguish night from day in the Burial Mounds, but there wasn't really ever a safe time to sleep. He would hide himself in any small sheltered space he could find. The smaller the better, less noticeable and better able to offer physical protection to his body. Sometimes he would hide high up in the branches of a tree. Neither of these plans were completely safe, and he had left there with the scars to prove it. Wei Wuxian had no way to know how long it was like that before he managed to protect himself with an array.

From there things never really improved. Even if he should have been safe in camp during the war, or in Lotus Pier just after the war ended. The reality was that Wei Wuxian didn't feel safe, and the nightmares certainly didn't help anything. When he returned to the Burial Mounds it was sort of better? It was worse, because the Burial Mounds was the setting in which he experienced absolute hell. Yet it was also better. Wei Wuxian had been able to cleanse a lot of the resentful energy from the section in which they lived. It made the space mostly safe.

There were even people who would wake him up if he wasn't waking from his nightmares on his own. There were people who would sit with him and talk when he needed a distraction. He had family who would sit with him until he fell asleep, just so he could feel safe enough to even try. Those experiences and nightmares came back with Wei Wuxian alongside all the knowledge of things to come. While they hadn't stopped being a problem, Wei Wuxian felt he could say that things had gotten better.

Of course now Wei Wuxian was forced to remember that a lot of that was because of who was with him. Lan Wangji had been by his side more often than not ever since he came back. When Wei Wuxian had a nightmare Lan Wangji was right there to soothe him. If Wei Wuxian woke up he could wake Lan Wangji at any time, and Lan Wangji would hold him. Wei Wuxian had only had the guts to do that a few times, but each time Lan Wangji had soothed him without complaint.

Wei Wuxian had started to get used to actually relying on someone for support. Actually going to someone for help. Now here Wei Wuxian was trying to go back to dealing with everything alone. That had been a bad idea. Actually it had been a terrible idea. Why had he thought this would be fine? Wei Wuxian considered his own question. Had he thought it would be fine? Today had not been a good day.

Wei Wuxian had returned to Lotus Pier, and it was awful. When they were moving through the market it had taken everything Wei Wuxian had to not flinch and jump. He was surrounded. Just like the siege. Just like when he died. There were too many people and they were too close. Wei Wuxian felt like he couldn't breathe. His body screamed in alarm while he tried to engage in friendly banter. His mind knew that these were just normal people doing normal everyday things. That didn't matter to the instincts that had been beaten into him through years of war and betrayal.

Close was dangerous. Close could hurt you. Close could kill you. Wei Wuxian felt like he couldn't breathe. He needed space. He needed space between him and so many people. He needed to be able to see what their hands were doing. He needed to be able to keep an eye on who was approaching him. Surrounded like this gave him no space to maneuver and no chance to see if one of these bodies had a sword in hand ready to run him through.

'Lan Zhan. My beautiful Lan Zhan scared so many people away.' Wei Wuxian recalled fondly. That was a brief highlight of the day. The way Lan Wangji, who hated crowds and didn't like to talk, stepped in and drew attention away while scaring people off.

Wei Wuxian had really wanted to get through the day like nothing had changed. Already there was so much guilt weighing him down. Wei Wuxian felt like if any more were to be added he would drown in it. So he tried to find his old ability to smile, joke, laugh, and pretend everything was fine when it absolutely was not. Wei Wuxian knew he had not done his best, but he had done enough to avoid the concerned gazes of most of the YunmengJiang sect.

Wei Wuxian felt sick. Being here felt wrong. Everything around him felt wrong. His room felt wrong. The buildings felt wrong. The way Sect Leader Jiang looked at him felt wrong. Every disciple he saw was someone who had died and seeing them smile at him felt wrong. This place had once been called his home. Home was supposed to be something safe. Wasn't that how it was supposed to go? Home was meant to feel safe?

Lotus Pier didn't feel safe. The images of blood stained and charred wood overlapped with the clean unmarred wooden structures. The images of the training field filled with lively disciples overlapped with the image of their corpses stacked in bloody heaps as tall as the surrounding buildings. The sounds of laughter and shouting mixed with the remembered sounds of screams. How could he possibly sleep in this place? Especially when Lan Wangji wasn't here.

Wei Wuxian had not even considered the sleeping arrangements for while they would be staying in Lotus Pier. His mind had accepted him and Lan Wangji sharing a room and bed as natural. Wei Wuxian had completely forgotten it was something that would have been considered inappropriate. They were courting, but not married. Of course they wouldn't be allowed to share a room. Wei Wuxian couldn't think of any way to protest without having to talk about how he was. How he wasn't okay, and he didn't want to talk about why he wasn't okay or what exactly was wrong.

So he pretended it was fine and got ready for bed expecting it to be bad, but just telling himself to muddle through it like he had everything else today. Was it still today? Wei Wuxian had been trying to go to sleep for what seemed like an eternity, but it wasn't working. He couldn't relax. He was on edge like at any moment something or someone would appear. An alarm would sound and enemies would be attacking Lotus Pier. Any moment some waiting predator would appear from nowhere and try to hurt him. Whenever he tried to close his eyes his body would tense and his senses would churn restlessly with his anxiety.

Not safe. Not safe. NotsafeNotsafeNotsafe. Not a thought but more of a feeling vibrating through him. There was no way he was going to be able to sleep. The only way sleep could come in these conditions would be if he stayed awake for days on end and his body eventually collapsed from exhaustion. However, that would not help Wei Wuxian tonight. Not to mention he had promised to try to not do that anymore. Wei Wuxian hugged his knees to his chest, feeling cold despite the mild evening.

'I don't want to be here.' The thought took Wei Wuxian by surprise. Wei Wuxian felt a pang of guilt. What right did he have to reject this place? This place had been his home once. Wei Wuxian had been brought in and given food and shelter. He had been given something like a family. His recklessness had destroyed it. He owed this place and its people. Yet it felt like his soul was trying to reject these thoughts along with this place. Wei Wuxian didn't want to be here. He didn't like this place anymore, and Wei Wuxian wasn't sure if this place had ever liked him.

'I want to go home.' Wei Wuxian whined internally without really thinking about what that meant. 'Where is my home?' Wei Wuxian wondered absently. He hadn't expected an answer, but to Wei Wuxian's surprise it seemed his mind had one. Immediately images, faces, sounds, scents all floated through his head.

Lan Wangji gazing at him. The sound of Lan Wangji's guqin playing in the quiet of the Cloud Recesses. The scent of sandalwood. His Jiejie scolding him and flicking his forehead. His didi looking at him eagerly with game pieces in hand. His Didi's excited face when his archery improved. The excitement he had only gotten to see in his Shijie's eyes when he started teaching her how to fight. A-Yuan climbing into his lap as Wei Wuxian leaned his head onto Granny's shoulder. The excited chatter around the large table with his family. The food wasn't so great, but Uncle Four's wine was.

Wei Wuxian felt tears gathering in his eyes as he buried his face in his knees. The feeling of acceptance with his family. The feeling of safety with Lan Wangji. The tears began to slip free despite WeI Wuxian's best efforts to keep them inside. Wei Wuxian fiddled with the ribbon Lan Wangji had gifted to him. He traced the embroidery with his fingers as the tears streamed down his face. So much care had been placed in the design of such a simple object.

The black fabric and red lotus flowers were like an acceptance of his history. Wei Wuxian had never seen a red lotus flower and was pretty sure they weren't a real thing. That just further proved that Lan Wangji must have specifically requested the design and creation of this ribbon. Black and red, like what Wei Wuxian wore as the Yiling Louzu. Lotus Flowers, the symbol of the YunmengJiang sect where he grew up and learned cultivation.

Finally the delicate cloud pattern of GusuLan sect, welcoming Wei Wuxian into this new home alongside all these acknowledgements of where he came from. Very few people had enough knowledge to understand what all of these details would mean to Wei Wuxian, but Lan Wangji was one of them. Just thinking about the amount of time Lan Wangji must have put into thinking about this made Wei Wuxian's tears fall faster.

Acceptance. That's what this ribbon meant to Wei Wuxian. Wei Wuxian did not have the words to describe just how precious that feeling was. How badly did Wei Wuxian want to be accepted? Always trying to be accepted and always coming up short. Those small brief spurts of acceptance in his life were always ripped away from him.

Wei Wuxian hastily dressed himself. He couldn't stay in this room any longer. Lan Wangji would certainly be asleep by now, but at minimum WeI Wuxian could walk around. Maybe he could tire himself out enough to finally sleep. Although he wasn't sure he wanted to come back to his room. He could try crashing in one of the empty guest rooms. Wei Wuxian was out the door and walking mindlessly through Lotus Pier. He didn't think about where he was going, just letting his feet carry him somewhere.

"Wei Ying." Wei Wuxian froze and looked up at the sound. He thought he had probably imagined it. Lan Wangji was always in bed by nine and it was way past that now.

"Lan Zhan..." Wei Wuxian was staring at the beautiful white clad figure. Glowing like a celestial in the moonlight, Lan Wangji was staring at him. Between one blink and the next Lan Wangji was suddenly right in front of him. A warm hand cupped Wei Wuxian's cheek as Lan Wangji used his thumb to wipe at the tear tracks on Wei Wuxian's face. The sweet gesture was the last straw for Wei Wuxian. He crashed into Lan Wangji's chest and sobbed. Strong arms wrapped around Wei Wuxian and the fragrance of sandalwood flooded Wei Wuxian's senses.

'Safe. Home.' Wei Wuxian clung to Lan Wangji harder. This was his home, here in Lan Wangji's arms. Lan Wangji was his home. Wei Wuxian slowly calmed down in the embrace.

"What are you doing out so late?" Wei Wuxian asked.

"Couldn't sleep." Lan Wangji replied. Wei Wuxian blinked up at Lan Wangji.

"What?" Wei Wuxian was stunned.

"Wei Ying wasn't there." Lan Wangji replied quietly. Wei Wuxian felt tears gathering in his eyes again even as a wide grin spread across his face. Wei Wuxian suddenly threw himself up, wrapping his legs around Lan Wangji's waist. Immediately Lan Wangji's arms adjusted to hold him securely. Wei Wuxian nuzzled into the crook of Lan Wangji's neck, relishing in the warm feeling of happiness that had been so rare today.

"Take me to bed then." Wei Wuxian whispered into Lan Wangji's ear. He was rewarded with the sight of a pink tint staining Lan Wangji's fair earlobe.

"Shameless." Lan Wangji whispered as he kissed Wei Wuxian's temple. Wei Wuxian smiled happily, feeling himself finally relax. Wei Wuxian rubbed his cheek against the strong shoulder his head was resting on. He sighed in contentment. Finally safe, Wei Wuxian felt the exhaustion from all the stress of the day was over him.

Vaguely, Wei Wuxian heard the sound of a door sliding open. Wei Wuxian felt himself being lowered onto a bed. That was fine, but then the wonderful strong arms holding him began trying to pull away. That was not fine, and Wei Wuxian made sure to express that by whining loudly in complaint.

"I'm here. I'm not leaving." Lan Wangji's low magnetic voice was accompanied by the soothing sensation of fingers scraping lightly against Wei Wuxian's scalp before they trailed through his hair. It felt so good that Wei Wuxian completely melted under the touch, becoming pliant in Lan Wangji's hands. Lan Wangji's warm hands removed Wei Wuxian's outer layers of clothing before gently directing him to lay on the bed. Wei Wuxian kicked his legs unhappily when Lan Wangji took his hands away and was not appeased until he felt Lan Wangji's warm body slide into the bed next to him. Wei Wuxian immediately latched onto Lan Wangji, trapping him in a tangle of arms and legs so he couldn't escape again. A soft blanket was pulled over Wei Wuxian and he sighed happily when he felt Lan Wangji's arms wrap around him once more.

"I was too scared to sleep." Wei Wuxian mumbled. "Being here hurts. Trying to act how I used to act hurts. Being away from you hurts." Wei Wuxian whispered tiredly. To Wei Wuxian's delight Lan Wangji's fingers returned to combing through his hair. His breath came out in a soft shuddering sigh, sounding for all the world like the soft purrs of a cat.

"You feel safe..." Wei Wuxian wasn't certain if he mumbled the words out loud or not, but he felt Lan Wangji's arms squeeze him gently before he lost consciousness.