'Lan Zhan. Why?'

Lan Wangji had felt that something was wrong. Everything from the look in Wei Wuxian's eyes to the way he moved was off. Wei Wuxian's eyes had seemed dim. The warm light that always sparkled in his dark eyes appeared to have been snuffed out. Lan Wangji didn't understand what happened. Before Wei Wuxian fell he had been laughing and teasing like usual.

To spy on others would be improper. Lan Wangji was not certain this counted as spying. He was only following to ensure Wei Wuxian's safety. The back hills could be dangerous depending on how far out Wei Wuxian went. It was worthy of concern that he was not returning to the main compound of Cloud Recesses. Lan Wangji had not expected that the danger to Wei Wuxian would be from Wei Wuxian himself.

Lan Wangji held Wei Wuxian close. When Wei Wuxian raised Subian to his throat Lan Wangji reacted. He had scarcely processed what had just happened when Wei Wuxian engaged him in a fight. The terror slowly spread through his body as the reality of the situation finally sunk in. Wei Wuxian had just tried to kill himself. Wei Wuxian wanted to die.

Lan Wangji stared down at Wei Wuxian. He didn't dare move, afraid it would pull Wei Wuxian from his sleep. Wei Wuxian's words echoed in his mind over and over.

'Lan Zhan. Why?'

'Why what? Wei Ying, What were you trying to ask me?' Lan Wangji felt like someone had gripped his heart and was squeezing it tighter and tighter. 'Wei Ying. Why do you want to die?' That question felt like a sharp blade stabbing into his heart.

'Was it my fault?' The thought came unbidden and froze Lan Wangji on the spot. Lan Wangji closed his eyes. He could feel Wei Wuxian's soft breaths as they brushed across his neck. He could feel the steady heart beat against his chest. Even with these assurances that Wei Wuxian was still alive, Lan Wangji did not feel at ease. Wei Wuxian had wanted to die. He was alive now, but that didn't mean he would stay that way. The thought of never seeing Wei Wuxian again filled him with pain. Lan Wangji thought about what it would mean for Wei Wuxian to die. Lan Wangji could never see him smile again. He could never again hear his laugh. He would no longer get to listen to the rhythmic chatter as Wei Wuxian's mind raced quickly from one thought to the next. His world would be quiet and empty once more. He would be alone. Lan Wangji felt like something was breaking inside of him. He always chastised Wei Wuxian and pushed him away. Wei Wuxian always persevered anyway and Lan Wangji had begun to rely on that. Only now did he realize just how much he wanted Wei Wuxian in his life.

'Wei Ying. I'm sorry. I-I do want to be close. Please don't leave.' For the first time in a long time Lan Wangj felt tears threatening to spill from his eyes. He swallowed hard and took several deep breaths. Only once he felt certain that he wouldn't wake Wei Wuxian did Lan Wangji adjust his grip and stand. He cradled Wei Wuxian in his arms. Wei Wuxian's hands were gripping the front of Lan Wangji's robes fiercely. It was like he was afraid the person holding him might disappear. Lan Wangji couldn't resist the urge to pull Wei Wuxian closer in his embrace.

'I'm here, Wei Ying. I won't leave. So you... don't leave me too. Please.' Lan Wangji begged silently as he slowly began making his way out of the back hills. He tried to focus on what to do next, but it was hard to think. His mind continued to circle anxiously around what had hurt Wei Wuxian so badly. He replayed their every interaction. Every time he had rejected Wei Wuxian's friendship. Every time that he had responded to him with anger. Every time he had pulled away. He had been scared. Around Wei Wuxian all the things he felt became so loud.

Wei Wuxian made a small sound in his sleep, and it was only then Lan Wangji realized he had tightened his hold on him. Lan Wangji forced his arms to relax slightly and Wei Wuxian shifted lightly in his sleep. Wei Wuxian pressed himself closer to Lan Wangji like he couldn't tolerate any space between them. His hands gripped Lan Wangji's robes tightly as Wei Wuxian buried his face into Lan Wangji's chest. Another soft sigh slid quietly from Wei Wuxian's chest as he relaxed in Lan Wangji's hold.

Lan Wangji felt a wave of emotion crash through him. So many emotions. Adoration, excitement, joy, fear, frustration, sorrow, warmth. There was so much that Lan Wangji felt he might drown in the torrent. This is usually when he would walk away or force Wei Wuxian to leave. Yet, he didn't want the feelings to stop. He kept coming back to them. To him. The emotions shifted around inside him as his chest ached. That feeling of warmth felt almost foreign.

He'd felt it before. He was sure about that. The feeling had vanished in the snow. Locked behind a door that would never be opened. The warmth was doused out the first time that door didn't open for him. For years he tried to find that feeling again. Going back to the door and waiting. He was scolded severely. He was given punishments. He supposed that he wasn't supposed to have warmth. Perhaps he wasn't good enough, and didn't deserve the warmth. So he did everything he was told. Did everything his uncle and elders wanted. They smiled at him. They praised him. He felt cold.

So long his world had been cold. His emotions had been muffled. So of course he'd be frightened when suddenly all those feelings became loud. Of course he wouldn't know what to do. Then when one of those feelings. That long missing feeling suddenly came back. That was truly frightening. That feeling had been taken away. He assumed he didn't deserve it. When he did everything right the feeling still didn't come back. He assumed he would never deserve it. Then suddenly the feeling was there. It appeared in a bright smile, sparkling eyes, and an unbridled laugh. It appeared when his muted feelings suddenly became loud. Surrounded a person that made a thousand reckless mistakes, and broke the rules that had defined Lan Wangji's existence.

Lan Wangji felt so confused. He did everything that was supposed to be right. Yet no matter what he did he felt empty and cold. Wei Wuxian. His uncle seemed to think Wei Wuxian was everything wrong, but Wei Wuxian was the only light Lan Wangji had seen since the last time the door opened. Wei Wuxian brought light and color. He made a quiet empty world loud. Lan Wangji's numbed heart could suddenly feel so much. Wei Wuxian brought that precious warmth. Soft. Treasured. Needed. Lan Wangji stared at the sleeping figure in his arms.

"You are everything." Lan Wangji whispered softly. He traced every feature with his eyes. Wei Wuxian was his everything. He had been confused and scared about what that meant before. He might have stayed confused and scared for years. It was only when he nearly lost him that he finally understood. Lan Wangji remembered now how fragile and beautiful that warm feeling in his chest was. The bad feelings were louder around Wei Wuxian, but so were the good ones. The intensity of those feelings and that beautiful warmth. Lan Wangji needed them. Lan Wangji needed him. He didn't care that he was scared. He didn't care that sometimes he'd be uncertain or confused. He needed Wei Wuxian. He needed to protect Wei Wuxian. Without Wei Wuxian he would be lost again. Everything would be cold and numb. He would help. He had to help.

Lan Wangji made it to the infirmary without being seen. Lan Wangji had spent most of his life avoiding people. While people now avoided him all on their own, it had not always been that way. He knew very well all the most deserted paths of Cloud Recesses. He brought Wei Wuxian to a quiet and isolated room. Gently he lowered Wei Wuxian to the bed. Wei Wuxian's grip on his robes suddenly tightened. He shivered in his sleep and seemed to be trying to pull Lan Wangji down with him. Lan Wangji's eyes widened. His hand reached out and began to gently stroke Wei Wuxian's back.

"I'm here. I won't leave." Lan Wangji said softly. It took a long time for the scrunched up face to begin to smooth. After a long time Wei Wuxian's grip relaxed enough that Lan Wangji was able to remove the hands from his robes. Wei Wuxian shivered on the bed and curled into a tight ball. He looked small and vulnerable. Lan Wangji had never seen him like this before. It took all of his will power to step away from the bed and exit the room. The infirmary was quiet today. Lan Wangji supposed he could have put Wei Wuxian in the main area of the infirmary. He supposed that would have been the normal practice for this type of situation. However, Lan Wangji couldn't do it. Seeing Wei Wuxian's eyes so wounded. Hearing the echoes of his agonized screams in his head. He couldn't bear to leave Wei Wuxian exposed to whomever might wander into the infirmary.

Lan Wangji soundlessly closed the door behind him and walked toward a healer who was engrossed in the text they were reading. Lan Wangji deliberately made his footsteps a bit louder until finally the other person noticed him.

"Lan-er-gongzi." The person half jumped from their seat. "Please forgive me. I did not hear you enter." Their voice sounded breathless, as though they had been running. Lan Wangji was long since used to people being anxious around him. Most people were so this really wasn't that unusual of a situation.

"Tell Xiongzhang I must speak with him." Lan Wangji said flatly. The healer hesitated for a moment.

"Certainly. Uh... where should I tell him to meet you?" The healer asked hesitantly.

"Here." Lan Wangji ignored the widened eyes as the healer quickly vanished. Lan Wangji returned to the room, unwilling to leave Wei Wuxian out of his sight for any length of time. Lan Wangji sat beside the sleeping figure. He stroked Wei Wuxian's hair gently. He could see some of the tension in Wei Wuxian's body loosen under the touch. It soothed some of the tension within Lan Wangji to see Wei Wuxian respond to him like that.

'Wei Ying. I'm here. I will stay by you and protect you. So please don't leave. Whatever is wrong. Let me help. Whoever had hurt you. I'll defend you. If I hurt you, I'll beg your forgiveness and do anything to apologize. Please, don't leave.' The touch of his fingers through Wei Wuxian's soft hair didn't feel like enough. Lan Wangji desperately wanted to hold Wei Wuxian in his arms. He felt uneasy. It was like if he turned away for too long Wei Wuxian might disappear. He wanted to be close enough to feel Wei Wuxian's heartbeat and hear his soft breaths. Just seeing Wei Wuxian in front of him. Just feeling his hair under his fingers. It wasn't enough to calm Lan Wangji's heart.

Lan Wangji's attention was suddenly diverted by the sound of rushing footsteps. He let out a disappointed sigh. All he wanted was to hold Wei Wuxian and hide him away from anyone who might hurt him. Unfortunately Lan Wangji knew that things were more complicated than that. He didn't know precisely who or what had hurt Wei Wuxian. He didn't know who to protect him from, or even if some of the damage was from Lan Wangji himself. He was afraid Wei Wuxian would awaken and immediately seek to end his life again. Lan Wangji wasn't sure what to do, so he had asked for Lan Xichen. No matter what happened from here he would need Lan Xichen's help. Whether it was to protect Wei Wuxian's privacy, or to protect him from a person. No matter what he would need Lan Xichen's cooperation as the sect leader. Lan Wangji reluctantly withdrew his hand from Wei Wuxian's hair, prompting a small complaint from the sleeping Wei Wuxian.

'I won't leave. Don't be scared.' Lan Wangji's eyes pleaded with the sleeping figure. Lan Wangji begrudgingly stood and walked to the door. Silently he opened the door to see his brother looking around the infirmary with deep concern. At first when Lan Xichen spotted him he seemed to relax, but quickly his face became worried.

"Wangji, what is wrong?"