During the war, Lan Xichen rarely thought about the consequences of performing empathy. He thought about that last year of guest disciples before the war. He thought about how, when that year started, Lan Xichen's greatest fear had been that his didi would grow increasingly isolated. Lan Xichen had been worrying over Lan Wangji's solitude.

Some of the space between Lan Wangji and his peers was natural. Lan Xichen experienced a measure of it, being the sect heir. Especially since it was well known that Lan Xichen would be taking on the duties of sect leader, if not the title, much younger than was usual. Not so unusual anymore perhaps. Something sad and ironic twisted in his chest when Lan Xichen thought about how many other sect leaders were now his age or younger.

Still, in that world that didn't know the Sunshot Campaign, Lan Xichen's station created a certain distance between him and most of his peers. It was lonely. Always having to keep in mind his station to uphold his sect's honour. Always watching others keep in mind his station whenever they spoke with him. There was always an extra formality when Lan Xichen interacted with his peers. Beyond what those peers showed to one another.

Lan Xichen did his best to smooth that tense awkward space with gentle smiles and kind words. He was rewarded with the occasional loosening in the posture of those around him. Relaxing a little when they realized he wasn't as strict or as demanding as they might have expected. It didn't remove the space, but it made Lan Xichen feel like the space was a little bit warmer.

His didi did not have the words, or the range of expression to do that. The space around Lan Wangji was like the snowy courtyard Lan Wangji knelt in as a child. A place that was meant to be full of warmth and affection. A place that had been left desolate. A place that no one wanted to approach. Either because it was too painful, too unwelcoming, or simply too difficult to understand.

Even with his position and the space between him and his peers, Lan Xichen had managed to have a few precious friends. It was rare that Lan Xichen had someone disregard the space his station created. A few friends were less wary of the space, but for most of Lan Xichen's life only Nie Mingjue had been able to disregard it entirely.

Lan Wangji never had someone like that. The space between him and his peers remained too daunting for them to dare approach. Lan Wangji responded to Lan Xichen's encouragement and concerns the same every time. He had 'Xiongzhang.' He had Shufu. Lan Wangji insisted that was enough. Lan Xichen's heart ached.

Lan Xichen was all too aware of how his increasing duties were going to take him away from his didi's side more and more often. Lan Wangji had not been able to form any friendships within their own sect, and on the few times he met with disciples of other sects the results had been similar. That year's guest lectures would contain many guest disciples that were Lan Wangji's age. In many ways it had felt like Lan Wangji's best chance to finally make a friend. Lan Xichen had even tried suggesting that Lan Wangji should attend the lectures just to attend. Not while also being in charge of discipline for the guest disciples.

Lan Xichen had not been successful in that conversation. Shufu didn't understand Lan Xichen's suggestion. Lan Wangji doomed that conversation when he insisted there was 'no need.' Lan Xichen had been ecstatic when Wei Wuxian blundered across the space that separated Lan Wangji from his peers. Like it wasn't even there, Wei Wuxian teased, poked prodded, and pursued Lan Wangji's friendship. Even when Lan Wangji himself did not know what to do with such a thing.

That had been it. Lan Xichen's biggest concern, and he had been so thrilled that by the end of the guest lectures Lan Wangji might have a true friendship. Then there was the suicide attempt. Then there was the hollow pain in Wei Wuxian's eyes, and the clear declaration that Lan Wangji wanted more than friendship with Wei Wuxian.

Lan Xichen found himself looking back on that year frequently. Looking back on how much simpler his concerns had seemed back then. Before the declaration of a future filled with war and grief. Before empathy, and seeing himself watch as a young woman was burned to death.

For a long time Lan Xichen had felt bad about the aftermath of empathy. Not just because of the somewhat concerning implications, but because Lan Xichen rarely felt the effects. For a while it seemed as though Wen Qing suffered from it far more than Lan Xichen. She had even been subjected to the occasional flashes of foreign memories, a symptom Lan XIchen had not experienced yet.

For much of the war Lan Xichen had all but forgotten that there were any side effects. Minor things like fatigue, small pains, or shifts in emotion were all lost in the fatigue, wounds, and stress of a war. Lan Xichen hardly noticed if some of it might have been coming from Wen Qing or not. They never discussed such things in their notes. Too focused on the war to be bothered on something they could do nothing about. Lan Xichen found himself viciously reminded now.

Two days after Wei Wuxian reported that Wen Qing was in danger, it started. A bright hot pain seared into Lan Xichen's back. Lan Xichen was lucky he had been in his tent at the time. The pain had caught him completely off guard. He'd crumpled to the floor and it took some time before Lan Xichen was able to stand again.

Examination revealed no injury, as Lan Xichen had expected. He was not the one injured, Wen Qing was. Any hope Lan Xichen had retained that Wen Qing was not in as much danger as they feared was crushed. The pain in Lan Xichen's shoulder blade continued to burn hot. That first night Lan Xichen couldn't sleep. The pain was bad, but not as bad as the knowledge that it was Lan Xichen's request that had brought this on Wen Qing.

Wen Qing had risked her life because Lan Xichen had asked her to save Nie Mingjue. She had succeeded. It hurts more than when Lan Wangji was placed in charge of discipline for guest disciples, in recognition of Lan Wangji's exemplary conduct. Lan Wangji's peers went from having limited awkward interactions with Lan Wangji, to outright avoiding him whenever possible, and it had broken Lan Xichen's heart a little bit that no one seemed to see this as a problem except Lan Xichen.

Lan Xichen isn't certain if comparing the situation with Wen Qing to that previous situation is appropriate. Lan Wangji was not in physical danger. But, Lan Xichen loved his brother, and anything that jeopardized his well being was like a physical wound to Lan Xichen. However, Lan Xichen had not been responsible for that situation. Not in the way he was responsible for Wen Qing's. Lan Xichen wished he had never asked her. He thought if it was too dangerous she would tell him so. Lan Xichen had clearly been wrong. Wen Qing had saved Nie Mingjue, and Lan Xichen was very aware of what price she was paying for it.

The pain wasn't constant. Lan Xichen was selfishly grateful for that. If it was constant he wasn't certain how he could continue to join his allies on the battlefield. Lan Xichen's only consolation at this point was that they were trying to end this as quickly as possible. It was the only thing Lan Xichen had to help assuage his guilt.

Things didn't stop with the burn on Lan Xichen's shoulder blade. The pain there makes regular appearances accompanied by a myriad of other sensations that Lan Xichen doesn't completely understand. There's pain. Lan Xichen is confident that the pain on his shoulder blade is a burn. That is not the only source of pain.

Sometimes the pain is internal. A horrible stabbing type of pain in his lower abdomen. It doesn't feel like an actual stab wound. Lan Xichen is grateful for that, if only because of what an abdominal stab wound would mean for Wen Qing's chances of survival. Sometimes there is pain in his hands. Especially his fingers, like being stung over and over on the pads of his fingers.

Lan Xichen could push himself through the pain. Once it had been present for a while he could probably force himself through tasks and interactions while drawing minimal concern. The nausea was a problem. Lan Xichen felt so sick that it became impossible to eat. When he did eat, Lan Xichen often failed to keep the food down when his senses were flooded by what Wen Qing was experiencing.

Lan Xichen had to minimize his interactions around camp. If Nie Mingjue or Lan Wangji knew what was happening they would insist on keeping him away from the fighting. Lan Xichen had stopped inquiring about Wei Wuxian's well being. Lan Xichen felt bad about that, but he didn't wish to confirm Wei Wuxian's fears that Wen Qing was being hurt. It didn't seem like the inquiries would be missed in any case. Lan Wangji had actually seemed a little more relaxed now that Lan Xichen had stopped asking.

Asking right now would have been pointless anyway. Lan Xichen was worried about Wei Wuxian. He was worried about his safety, and what this new tool might be doing to him. But, Wen Qing was being tortured. Lan Xichen could feel her being tortured, and he couldn't bring himself to suggest anything that would slow their ability to free her from that. Lan Xichen desperately hoped he was not trading one friend's safety for another again.