Wen Nuan does not want to be mean to her family. She is not distant and mistrustful because she doesn't like them. Her family is full of many wonderful people. Many wonderful people who keep leaving her. Wonderful people that she can remember feeling safe and happy with. Sometimes Wen Nuan is still happy with them, but she never feels safe.

Wen Nuan knows her family wants her to feel safe. They try to encourage her and coax her, but she does not trust their assurances of 'being there for her'. She has seen the looks they exchange when they think she isn't paying attention. She's pretty sure the looks mean that they are disappointed.

Her didi is happy to cling to and seek comfort from whoever is taking care of them. Her didi cries, and relaxes, and cuddles. Wen Nuan does not. She doesn't cry where her family can see. She doesn't go to them when she is upset. She doesn't cuddle into their arms. She does not feel safe.

First it was Gugu who came to take care of them.

Gugu cried a lot at night. Wen Nuan sometimes wondered if it was her fault. Wen Nuan missed her mother, and she wanted her mother back. She cried and screamed and demanded. Gugu said 'I know' and 'I'm sorry' a lot, but that didn't fix it. Her mother was still gone, and Wen Nuan didn't understand why.

Wen Nuan felt sad and angry all the time. The feelings were too big and she didn't know what to do with them. So Wen Nuan screamed and cried. She'd kick the walls, slam her fists against the floor, and she broke things. She was hurting and she needed that hurt to be somewhere outside of her body. Somewhere she could see it, and other people could see it. Maybe if she could see the hurt she could do something about it.

Then Gugu was gone too.

The soldiers came again and dragged Gugu away. The air smelled of smoke and was filled with screams. One of the soldiers had thrown Wen Nuan into the wall when she didn't get out of their way fast enough. Wen Nuan and Wen Yuan were alone again. The soldiers took people away. The next day everyone's faces were sad and hollow. There were a lot less people in their family than there used to be.

Wen Nuan and Wen Yuan were sent to live with their Shenshen.

Shenshen had a daughter of her own who was even younger than Wen Yuan, and was also taking care of two little cousins who had lost their parents as well. It was loud at Shenshen's house. Wen Nuan's little cousins had frequent tantrums, like the kind Wen Nuan used to throw at Gugu's house.

Wen Nuan missed Gugu. Wen Nuan had thrown lots of tantrums because she missed her mother. Gugu hadn't known what to do, but Gugu still took care of Wen Yuan and tried to calm Wen Nuan down. Wen Nuan watched Shenshen talk softly to her little cousins. Wen Nuan's heart ached as she listened to Shenshen whisper that it was okay to miss their parents. Soft whispers saying that it would hurt for a long time, but everything would be okay eventually.

Wen Nuan watched her little cousins cry in Shenshen's arms. Wen Nuan wondered what it would feel like to be told that when she was the one kicking and screaming. Wen Nuan thought it looked really nice. She considered letting her tears fall. She considered screaming and wailing. She wondered if Shenshen would tell her the same things and hold her close even if she kept screaming and hitting. Wen Nuan saw how tired Shenshen looked, and couldn't bring herself to make things harder for Shenshen.

Shenshen was really nice. Wen Nuan did her best not to make more work for her. She was the oldest, and Shenshen already had to take care of her own daughter, their little cousins, and Wen Yuan. So Wen Nuan tried not to ask for things. She tried to figure things out by herself. When Wen Nuan had a nightmare she muffled her cries so Shenshen wouldn't hear and have to get up.

Wen Nuan got up right away when she heard Wen Yuan crying. If she got up right away she could take care of him herself, sometimes before Shenshen would wake up. Sometimes one of their cousins would be up crying first and Wen Nuan would have Wen Yuan back to sleep before Shenshen had finished calming their cousins down.

It wasn't easy, but Wen Nuan felt like maybe things would be okay like this. Shenshen was always kind, even when she was tired. Her little cousins were loud, but they were also energetic and playful in a way that Wen Nuan hadn't been in a long time. Wen Nuan felt like this could maybe be okay.

Then soldiers came again.

It was just after bedtime. Wen Nuan heard the door open and slam shut. She heard rough voices and Shenshen's tearful pleas. It was so much like the night their mother died. Wen Nuan did not need to think about what to do next. She immediately took Wen Yuan in her arms and very carefully climbed out the window. The soldiers had hurt her if she got in the way in the past. She would make sure she and Wen Yuan were out of the way.

Wen Nuan briefly wondered about her little cousins. The two boys were in the room next to Shenshen's and Shenshen's daughter slept in Shenshen's room. Wen Nuan would have to circle around the house and go through another window or risk being caught by the soldiers. Wen Nuan huddled in the bushes under the windowsill with her didi in her arms. She wouldn't risk leaving him alone.

When the screaming and shouting got louder Wen Nuan made herself as small as possible in her hiding place. When everything became quiet and the soldiers left, Wen Nuan didn't move. She stayed outside the entire night. She refused to go back into the house.

Shenshen was dead.

Wen Nuan attended Shenshen's funeral with the older cousin that was taking care of them now. Wen Nuan didn't bother to get used to the new house, or the new person filling in the space that their mom was supposed to be in. Wen Yuan cried and laughed and cuddled. He sought out their cousin when he was scared. Wen Nuan didn't.

She had already started dealing with things herself anyway. Wen Nuan refused to allow herself to get close to this new caretaker. In all likelihood they would leave her before too long anyway. The Aunties and Uncles started to exchange looks with each other when Wen Nuan wasn't looking. They were worried, but Wen Nuan was not sure what they expected from her.

It was clear that no one in her family was safe. Wen Nuan never knew when or who would be taken away next, so she refused to get close to anyone. If they weren't close it wouldn't hurt as much when she lost them. The exception was her didi. She spent all of her time with him. She'd play with him and take care of him whenever the adults didn't get in her way. She insisted on sharing a room with him. If they tried to separate them she would sneak into the room he was in and sleep on the floor.

Wen Nuan hadn't seen any of the cousins she had lived with at Shenshen's since that night. Wen Nuan already knew that that meant they were dead. She felt sad about that. Sad that she had not gotten them outside too, but she tried not to think about it too much. She had gotten Wen Yuan out and hidden him. She had only really been worried that the soldier might hurt them while they searched the house. Wen Nuan isn't certain why she thought they wouldn't kill children. They killed plenty of adults.

Everyone became a little more scared when Ning-gege came back.

Wen Nuan had actually thought Wen Qionglin was dead. He had left, and no one who left ever came back. Wen Nuan had actually wondered if maybe more people would come back soon, but no one else she knew arrived. The adults seemed to be afraid that the soldiers would attack again. Wen Nuan was always afraid the soldiers were going to attack. She wasn't certain if something new meant that everyone thought something worse was going to happen? Like a lot of people dying at once instead of just a few? Wen Nuan didn't like that idea. She still snuck closer to the adults to hear them better. Surprisingly, Ning-gege seemed to think they would be okay.

"Jie has been working with Sect Leader Lan. She already told him about Sect Leader Nie hiding here. They will arrive soon, and then we won't need to worry about the soldiers anymore." Wen Qionglin had been nervous as he spoke, but he didn't stutter. Wen Nuan kind of liked Wen Qionglin's stutter. It felt like he was scared, but still doing things. Wen Nuan thought that seemed pretty brave.

One of the uncles seemed to doubt that the other sects would help them. Wen Nuan didn't entirely follow what they were saying. It sounded like there were a lot of soldiers like the ones who patrolled around the village. Except they were in other places and there were a lot of soldiers from somewhere else that were fighting them. Which sounded like it was probably a good thing, but it seemed like several adults thought the other soldiers might be just as dangerous.

"Xian-ge fights with the resistance army. He will definitely come, and he'll protect us." Wen Qionglin said firmly.

They had continued to talk for a few more minutes, but Wen Nuan didn't recall the rest of their conversation. She wasn't certain who 'Xian-ge' was, but Wen Qionglin seemed to think they would protect them. That was a nice idea, even if Wen Nuan had a hard time believing that someone would actually be strong enough to stop the soldiers.

The soldiers came again.

The next time the soldiers came they didn't take people. They just killed them where they stood. The cousin taking care of Wen Nuan and Wen Yuan grabbed Wen Yuan and started running with Wen Nuan in tow. Wen Nuan thought this was a terrible idea, but she was too scared to say anything when they were running out in the open.

Wen Nuan smelled smoke and saw flames shoot up from some of the houses around them. This wasn't the first time the soldiers had burned buildings, but it seemed like a lot more this time. Wen Nuan struggled to keep up with her cousin. Her cousin's legs were so much bigger than hers. Wen Nuan couldn't keep up.

Wen Nuan couldn't quite track what happened next. Her didi was crying. It seemed like their cousin was hoping to take the cart and flee with them. Except the horse was running like it had been spooked and the cart was overturned. Wen Yuan was pinned under the cart and Wen Nuan tried to lift it, but she couldn't move it.

Wen Nuan looked for her cousin only to find her trying to fight off a soldier. Wen Nuan had learned to stay away from soldiers, but her didi was trapped under a cart. She needed help to get him out and her cousin was their caretaker now. Wen Nuan tried to help her cousin get away from the soldier.

Wen Nuan felt something impact the side of her face and knock her off her feet. She blinked in shock, the side of her face was stinging so bad that she felt tears gathering in her eyes against her will. Wen Nuan saw her cousin fall to the ground, her head hit hard against a rock. The soldier was saying something, but the words didn't seem to make sense.

The soldier stood and turned, his eyes settling on Wen Nuan. He stalked towards Wen Nuan, and now she could see her cousin's face. Her eyes were dead and vacant. Just like her mother's eyes had been. Blood flowed from her cousin's head. Wen Yuan was still crying and screaming. She needed to help her didi. She needed to find help.

The soldier paused when everything became dark. Dark smoke filled the air. It was like someone had burnt dinner, but the smoke was thicker and the air was cold. The smoke poured into her cousin's body and her cousin stood. Except her eyes were still dead and the way she moved was wrong. It was like how a doll moved when a grown up was trying to pretend like the doll was alive. Limbs flopping oddly like the body was being moved by someone else.

Suddenly her cousin's body flew at the soldier. Wen Nuan stared blankly as she watched her cousin's body kill the soldier in a way her cousin could not. If her cousin was capable then her cousin would have done this sooner and not died. The body did not bother to linger. It turned towards the sounds of fighting. Wen Nuan hoped that meant more soldiers would die, but she had other things to worry about. Wen Yuan was still crying and still trapped. Wen Nuan needed to find someone strong enough to help.

Gūgū: Dad's younger sister
Shěnshěn: Dad's younger brother's wife