Jiang Yanli stared down at her hands. Zidian on her hand, an amethyst ring that felt alien against her skin. A rhythmic tapping on the outside of Jiang Yanli's tent drew her attention. Jiang Yanli forced her hands to settle motionlessly on her lap. A few deep breaths to try and brace herself for what was probably yet another conversation she did not want to have. The tapping took on a strange rhythmic tempo, like the steps to a dance and Jiang Yanli suddenly paused. There was only one person in the camp who would do something as silly and childish, as knocking to the rhythm of a cheerful tune.

"Enter." Jiang Yanli called. The tent flap fluttered open and then closed behind Luo Qingyang. Jiang Yanli took a breath and forced a smile. Luo Qingyang raised a skeptical eyebrow at the expression, but for now didn't comment.

"You're back," Jiang Yanli intoned. She tried to sound happy. She was happy. However, there were a lot of other emotions clamouring inside her and her happiness was having a hard time expressing over the other noise.

"Mn. Just gave Sect Leader Nie the scouting report." Luo Qingyang said, letting herself almost flop into a seated position beside Jiang Yanli.

Luo Qingyang was perfectly capable of being an elegant young lady, but she would discard most of those behaviors in private like this. Jiang Yanli had learned, not long after the two of them became friends, that Luo Qingyang enjoyed the feeling of discarding decorous behavior. At least she enjoyed doing so in the safety of a private space with people she trusted. It seemed like a way of rebelling, a way to assert her love of freedom without creating problems that would inevitably arise were she to do so in public.

"So, I've been away for two weeks. What did I miss?" Luo Qingyang asked, looking at Jiang Yanli expectantly. Jiang Yanli looked down at her hands and touched the amethyst ring lightly.

"A-Cheng arrived." Jiang Yanli said quietly.

Luo Qingyang did not seem surprised, but Jiang Yanli did not really expect her to be. Jiang Wanyin's arrival in camp had been a big deal. He had been the official heir of the YunmengJiang sect, with their father's death the title of sect leader would naturally fall to him. Naturally. Without question. Except that he had been nowhere to be found for two months and Jiang Yanli had been assuming the responsibilities of leading the YunmengJiang cultivators and attending war meetings with the other allied sect leaders.

"Our parents' bodies are in Yiling. Wen Qing and Wen Ning smuggled A-Cheng, A-Xian, and Lan Wangji out of Lotus Pier, as well as the..." Jiang Yanli swallowed back the tears that wanted to gather. "A-Cheng buried them there." Luo Qingyang was silent, perhaps waiting for Jiang Yanli to say something more. When Jiang Yanli didn't Luo Qingyang's posture shifted.

"So where has he been?" Luo Qingyang kept her voice gentle, but there was a tiny spark of something protective in her voice. Something that might have been a faint echo of protective anger.

That was the question, wasn't it? Where had Jiang Wanyin been? The QishanWen sect had been very vocal about the deaths of her parents. Jiang Yanli had tried to hold on to hope, while quietly mourning them in private. Quietly because, while her parents were dead, Jiang Wanyin and Wei Wuxian were both missing. YunmengJiang sect disciples had evacuated and slowly came back together in Gusu. Meanwhile Jiang Yanli was there, not her parents or her didi, just her.

She was the one who had evacuated them. She was the last one to leave via the evacuation route. She was the one who brought them back together in Gusu, and she was the one who agreed with the other sect leaders to go to war. The disciples in this camp had come following her, and when they were feeling scared and lost she was the one who gave them hope.

For two months she had been leading. She had been the one who needed to speak up during war meetings. She was the one who needed to be calm and unflinching, so the other sects would not look down on her and the sect she represented. She only knew Wei Wuxian and Jiang Wanyin lived because of Lan Xichen.

Two weeks after the fall of Lotus Pier Lan Xichen returned to Cloud Recesses with allies he had gathered. He also told Jiang Yanli that Wei Wuxian, Lan Wangji, and Jiang Wanyin made it safely out of Lotus Pier. He said he could not disclose exactly how he knew. Jiang Yanli didn't care. As long as he could tell her they were safe. Lan Xichen informed her that Wen Qing and Wen Qionglin smuggled them out. Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji had left. They would return within three months. No details as to why they left or where they were going. Just a promise that they would be back within three months.

Jiang Wanyin was supposedly given medical treatment and informed that the rest of YunmengJiang was heading to Gusu. Jiang Yanli expected him to meet her there. He didn't. Then the war started and she moved with their disciples into the war camp. For two months there was no word from Jiang Wanyin. Not so much as a letter passed to tell her he was alright or what he was doing. Jiang Yanli had prayed he was safe and pushed on. She had to keep their sect together. She couldn't afford to break down.

Then, five days ago, Jiang Wanyin just appeared in camp. He didn't even mention Wen Qing and Wen Qionglin. He said nothing about what they did until Jiang Yanli confronted him with the information. He had seemed offended that she brought it up. Jiang Yanli didn't understand. Wen Qing was her friend. Wen Qionglin was her friend, they had certainly spent enough time chatting in the kitchen and exchanging recipes. Why would her didi try to hide the fact that her friends helped him? Hide that her friends are the reason Jiang Wanyin could give their parents a somewhat decent burial.

Jiang Wanyin told her he had spent the last two months looking for Wei Wuxian so he could, 'Drag that idiot back from whatever crazy scheme he was trying to pull.'

Jiang Yanli sort of understood it. She understood it, in the sense that she also would have liked to run to look for the three boys that made up what Jiang Yanli considered to be her family. Jiang Yanli swallowed back the anger and hurt trying to crawl up her throat.

"He was looking for A-Xian." Jiang Yanli said quietly.

Luo Qingyang had a small frown on her face. It was the frown she wore when she disapproved of someone's decision, but didn't completely think they were in the wrong. Luo Qingyang was always very expressive in private. She wore her thoughts and feelings openly with little regard for decorum. In public it was a different story, which Jiang Yanli understood and respected. In private, Jiang Yanli loved that straightforward honesty. No trying to hide things to protect Jiang Yanli's feelings, no embarrassment over the emotions displayed.

"And... since he has been back?" Luo Qingyang prodded slowly. Jiang Yanli's hands tightened into fists in her lap. Luo Qingyang's eyes spotted the gesture immediately, her lips pressing into a thin line.

"It's... It's not that I want to be sect leader. I have never been jealous of A-Cheng being the heir. I didn't even form my golden core until..." Jiang Yanli's words broke off as Luo Qingyang's hand covered one of Jiang Yanli's.

"I know, Yanli. You stopped cultivating in order to cope with unreasonable expectations. You started cultivating again on your own terms. You were not doing it to try and take Jiang Wanyin's place." Luo Qingyang's tone was even and reassuring. It held a confidence and certainty that soothed something in Jiang Yanli's chest. Jiang Yanli took a steadying breath.

"For two months I've been the one keeping our sect together. I attend the meetings. I make the decisions about what we will and will not commit to. I give feedback or support for ideas during the war meetings, and put up with the... the... constant..." Jiang Yanli's voice stuttered here. A frustrations coiling in her chest that she was neither familiar nor comfortable with.

"The men." Luo Qingyang says in a flat tone. "The men who constantly think that you disagreeing is you not understanding what they said. The men who disagree with what you say, until another man says the exact same thing with a slightly different wording. Then suddenly it is a brilliant idea, but no one seems to remember that it was your idea." Luo Qingyang's voice was filled with a raw and real frustration that Jiang Yanli found herself resonating with in a way she never had before.

"They're not all like that," Jiang Yanli started to say quietly, almost as a reflex. Luo Qingyang snorted.

"Did I say it was all of them? Of course it isn't all of them, but it is very common." Luo Qingyang said with feeling. "And I imagine that it would be frustrating to deal with that for months, and then suddenly have your didi show up and do something similar." Luo Qingyang said slowly. Jiang Yanli's breath escaped in a rush and her shoulders slumped.

"I..." Jiang Yanli fell silent, staring at her lap. "It's not his fault. He's used to me being weak." Jiang Yanli's voice came out in a whisper.

Luo Qingyang snorted, rolling her eyes emphatically. Jiang Yanli frowned. In Jiang Wanyin's memory she was the sister who cooked, hadn't been able to form a golden core, and was too weak to participate in training. It was normal that he would still think of her that way. He had not seen her fighting. He had not even known she had been cultivating with a sword again. It was normal for him to think she was weak.

"Yanli, you've never been weak." Luo Qingyang's words were blunt and forceful. Jiang Yanli sighed. Luo Qingyang turned towards her more fully and covered Jiang Yanli's hands with her own. Zidian sparked at the contact, causing Luo Qingyang to pull her hand back. Luo Qingyang scowled, then lightly slapped the ring as though scolding it.

"I am comforting Yanli, mind your manners." Luo Qingyang said forcefully.

Jiang Yanli stared wide-eyed at her friend. She wasn't certain what surprised her more. That Luo Qingyang had managed to smack just the ring without hitting Jiang Yanli's hand? That Luo Qingyang was scolding a first class spiritual tool like a naughty puppy? No, most surprising was that Luo Qingyang was now covering Jiang Yanli's hands again, and Zidian did not even let out a twitch of spiritual energy in protest.

"Well, now that Zidian has made me forget what I was going to say..." Luo Qingyang griped. "What did your didi do, and how did it make you feel... because this is not your 'I feel okay' face." Luo Qingyang said, looking intently at Jiang Yanli.

Jiang Yanli let out a long sigh. Luo Qingyang wasn't wrong, Jiang Yanli did not feel okay. She hadn't felt okay in months. Maybe longer. Things had started to get closer to okay. Maybe it was okay when Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji visited Lotus Pier for two weeks. No, that wasn't really okay. Not with everything that happened, but it had been better. Then Cloud Recesses was attacked. Then they received the notice about Indoctrination. Things had gotten progressively worse and Jiang Yanli wasn't certain what it would take for her to feel okay again.

"A-Cheng didn't want me to stay in camp in the future. He wants me to stay out of war meetings. Stay off of battlefields." Jiang Yanli said quietly. "What did he think I was doing for the last two months?" Jiang Yanli's voice was almost a whisper. "He chose to stay away, and look for A-Xian... I... I understand wanting to look for him, but I was here. I was here, and one of us needed to be here and keep our sect together. So I did. I ignored the looks and the comments about being too weak and inexperienced. I spoke up in meetings even when people clearly felt I wouldn't be able to contribute. I fought in battles, on the front lines next to our cultivators."

Jiang Yanli took a deep breath to try and calm herself. She could feel tears pressing at her eyes. Tears for the parents she hadn't had the luxury to mourn. Tears for the disciples who had died in Lotus Pier and in battles since. Tears for her siblings who had been missing who knows where. Tears of frustration of being told to stand back and let someone else do her work.

Jiang Yanli would not say she enjoyed battle, or war meetings. The YunmengJiang sect needed a leader and she was what they had. Even if it isn't necessarily something she enjoyed, she put everything she had into it. She worked hard and was proud of what she had been able to achieve. It was so frustrating to be dismissed, like now that Jiang Wanyin was here she should just go help in the kitchens and stay out of everything else.

Worse was the suffocating knowledge that her tears would be held as an example of why she should stay out of it and let everyone else fight without her. Never mind that she had seen one cultivator after another breaking down in tears, or turning green around the edges after their first battle. Arms wrapped around Jiang Yanli and pulled her into a warm embrace.

"I've told you before Yanli... If you need to cry, you cry. It won't change how I think about you, but keeping all that stuff bottled up isn't going to do you any favours." Luo Qingyang said in a low voice. Jiang Yanli resisted the urge to bury her face in the younger woman's shoulder.

"He stopped arguing with me. A-Cheng gave me Zidian, so it could 'keep me safe'." Jiang Yanli said in a low tone.

"Mn." Luo Qingyang hummed noncommittally. "Little patronizing for my taste, but I'm glad he stopped arguing with you." Luo Qingyang said in a lighter tone. She made no move to release Jiang Yanli from the embrace.

"Mianmian... I don't know if Zidian will be all that amicable to letting me use it." Jiang Yanli said quietly. Luo Qingyang snorted.

"Why wouldn't it? It cooperated with your niang. So it clearly likes strong women. It should like you even better. You're strong enough to not take your frustration out on other people." Luo Qingyang commented.

Jiang Yanli wasn't sure why, but that sentence cracked the dam that had been holding back her tears. All the pain and frustration of the last two months poured out of Jiang Yanli in a violent rush of tears that shook her body. Jiang Yanli let the fact that her parents were dead truly settle in her heart. The tears flowed faster. Grief mixed with an uncomfortable twisting feeling, something like guilt and resentment rolled together to settle like spoiled food in Jiang Yanli's stomach.

Luo Qingyang didn't say anything. She only held Jiang Yanli firmly while Jiang Yanli continued to cry. Luo Qingyang felt something like relief as Jiang Yanli cried. She had tried to encourage Jiang Yanli to process some of these emotions before. Unfortunately there never seemed to be enough time for Jiang Yanli to even consider it. Jiang Yanli had been thrown from one task to the next, fulfilling a role she had never been trained for.

Luo Qingyang had watched Jiang Yanli taking on each task as it came. Always patient with the YunmengJiang sect cultivators. She saw Jiang Yanli seek out Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue for advice. Luo Qingyang privately felt she had made brilliant choices. While Lan Xichen was probably closer to the sort of sect leader Jiang Yanli would want to emulate, Jiang Yanli still did not limit her quest for knowledge.

Luo Qingyang had mixed feelings regarding the arrival of Jiang Wanyin. On the one hand, Luo Qingyang was thrilled Jiang Yanli could finally have some breathing room. It was no longer just up to Jiang Yanli. Jiang Wanyin could now step up and relieve some of the burdens. On the other hand, Jiang Yanli had put everything she had into leading her sect, and Luo Qingyang did not like the idea of that being taken away from her.

Luo Qingyang put these thoughts aside. She focused her attention on the woman in her arms. The woman who had been keeping things together, and working, even though her world had been utterly torn apart. Luo Qingyang understood Jiang Yanli had been holding back from breaking down for a long time. It wouldn't do Jiang Yanli any favours in dealing with some of the more obnoxious sect leaders if she had broken down in public. However, Luo Qingyang suspected Jiang Yanli had not allowed herself to break down in private either. Maybe fearing that once she started she wouldn't be able to stop.

Luo Qingyang held back a sigh. Holding her friend while she sobbed was something Luo Qingyang would do for any of her friends. However, Luo Qingyang was not stupid enough to mistake the difference in her feelings for Jiang Yanli compared to other friends. Luo Qingyang might be protective of all of her friends, but only Jiang Yanli made her want to do things as reckless as run up to sect leaders and deck them in the face. Luo Qingyang had not done this yet, which she felt she should be commended for.

The tears soaking into Luo Qingyang's robes stung Luo Qingyang's heart. Only Jiang Yanli's tears made her feel like this, like every tear was something precious even as it was painful. Luo Qingyang held back the desire to sigh. She'd need to talk to Jiang Yanli about this eventually. Maybe Jiang Yanli wouldn't be interested. As far as Luo Qingyang was aware Jiang Yanli had never been interested in girls, but that was not exactly definitive information. Even if Jiang Yanli was interested in girls, she might not find Luo Qingyang appealing as anything more than a friend. Luo Qingyang hoped that, if that was the case, they would be able to continue being friends.

Jiang Yanli was the sweetest girl alive, so Luo Qingyang doubted a respectful offer for courtship would be reason enough to end their friendship. It would sting to be rejected, but what were Luo Qingyang's options? She could ask or not ask. If Luo Qingyang asked, she might be rejected or she might get to court Jiang Yanli. If Luo Qingyang didn't ask, she probably would just never get to date Jiang Yanli. Clearly one of these choices offered a chance of a better outcome.

Luo Qingyang tucked the thought away in the back of her mind. The choice was obvious, but today was not the time to ask. Right now Jiang Yanli needed her to be here. Jiang Yanli did not need to be asked an emotionally charged question. Luo Qingyang held Jiang Yanli close while she grieved, and started making plans for how she could help Jiang Yanli train with Zidian. It was a powerful spiritual weapon and if Jiang Yanli could learn to use it, it would go a long way in helping Jiang Yanli survive this war.

New Update Schedule: New chapters will be posted Monday, Wednesday, and Friday by 11pm Pacific Time.  Sadly other obligations have increased so I have to dial back from daily updates to maintain my sanity.  So I'll be trying out this schedule and see how it goes.