❛ 'Cause I am lost without you. I cannot live at all. My whole world surrounds you. I stumble, then I crawl. ❜

SEASON 4, EPISODE 10
inmates

━━━━━━ October 15, 2011

SHE WAS HIS AFTERNOON sun, his golden idol, the piece to his destruction.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca squinted around the amber of her eye, and sweat beaded from the heat and nerves. Her knees pressed into fresh grass just beyond the fence. A shadow loomed behind her. A katana in hand, silver and deadly, ready to cut into the flesh and destroy all that was left good in the world. The man's eyes that could cut steel looked over the prison and found him. Then the Governor smiled.

⠀⠀⠀A crowd came to watch until that cursed blade was three inches deep into Hershel's neck, and war exploded around them. Bianca wasn't hacked to death by the man who swore vengeance. She wasn't dead, but in a way, she wasn't alive either. Schrodinger's cat as Cal looked for any sign of life and found none.

⠀⠀⠀Fires burned, people screamed, and bullets ripped the prison apart. Cal fired with the others and looked for Bianca amongst the mayhem, but they needed to move. Move where? He wasn't sure. Maggie led him to the bus, but he tried to find Bianca again.

⠀⠀⠀He came up with nothing. Bianca was nowhere to be seen in the chaos. She could be in the woods with Michonne half a mile away, dead on the field, or trying to find him. He was close to tearing the place apart when he came across Beth and Daryl.

⠀⠀⠀"We gotta go," Daryl said. Cal wanted to argue. Daryl gave him a look and firmly stated, "She wouldn't want you to die here."

⠀⠀⠀Cal reluctantly nodded and followed them to safety.

SECONDS, MINUTES, HOURS PASSED as they ran. At every turn, there was a biter ready to kill them. Cal was all head and no heart. He stayed in the moment, unable to think of what happened, what he lost. Cal killed biters by instinct rather than calculation. He caught one by the neck before it got too close to Beth. He ran without looking back because that's all he could do. He stopped and lay in the grass. He closed his eyes because above was the sky. Above were her memories and guilt. He couldn't sit in it. All that could exist for now was Daryl, Beth, and the biters. All that mattered was surviving.

⠀⠀⠀Night fell, and Daryl started a fire. Cal watched intensively. He busied his mind with learning how to survive by how Daryl acted. He had done this long ago when Woodbury was nothing but scraps. But there were things Cal still didn't know that Daryl did, like lighting a fire. He needed to know that if he wanted to live. If he wanted to keep sane and not focus on everything that went wrong.

⠀⠀⠀He could forget when they ran to survive or stopped to make a fire. But then they did nothing. All he could do was sit with the flames and his thoughts.

⠀⠀⠀Cal stared at the fire as it cracked and whipped up into the air. Small embers broke away from the flames and floated down to the leaves. There would be a moment that Cal could see it burn into a wildfire, but none erupted into such. Cal's eyes flickered to Daryl as he stared into the fire but was miles away. Then at Beth, who silently became restless with the silence. Cal couldn't look at them long as his mind began to wander. It reached the prison, walked through the screams, and stood with the Governor as the blade sunk into Hershel's neck. He looked for Bianca, but she disappeared. There were only woods.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca could be dead. She was probably dead. She was inches from the Governor, who killed Hershel without hesitation. A man who hated him for his abandonment. A man who saw Cal as something of a son when he hated him as the months grew long.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca was probably dead.

⠀⠀⠀Cal bowed his head. He noticed the splatters of blood on his boots. Was it human or biter? Did it matter? It felt like it should, but both had torn Bianca away from him. He was happy to see that they had died. Or was he sad? He couldn't say. The emotions raged in him like fire. A blaze and yet an ember. He wanted answers, but it didn't spark.

⠀⠀⠀Cal stood. Daryl didn't move. Beth looked up at him.

⠀⠀⠀"Where are you going?" she asked. Her brows furrowed into worry.

⠀⠀⠀Cal hadn't seen her shed a tear after she screamed bloody murder on the battlefield.

⠀⠀⠀"Piss," he answered.

⠀⠀⠀Cal walked into the woods and stood at a tree outside the camp. He paused, listened, and pressed his head against the trunk when he heard nothing. He wanted to scream, but he wasn't granted that luxury. He wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn't come. He pulled back and punched the tree. His knuckles burst in pain and turned a bright red. He hit it again harder, and blood started to stain. He clenched and unclenched his hand. He wanted to do it again but stopped himself before he broke something.

⠀⠀⠀He returned to the fire and sat silently. Beth noticed his knuckles. Before she could say anything, Cal wiped the blood off his pants. Beth closed her mouth and went silent.

⠀⠀⠀She was able to keep quiet for a while longer, but it seemed she couldn't hold much more in.

⠀⠀⠀"We should do somethin'," Beth said. Her eyes locked onto Cal, then Daryl. He didn't move at her words; he hardly breathed. "We should do somethin'."

⠀⠀⠀Daryl glanced up at her.

⠀⠀⠀"We aren't the only survivors. We can't be. Rick, Michonne, Bianca, they could be out here."

⠀⠀⠀Cal clenched his bruised hand.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca was dead.

⠀⠀⠀"Maggie and Glenn could have made it out of A block. They could've."

⠀⠀⠀The men were both silent. They didn't have answers for her. Not good ones, anyway. Her father was dead, and the rest were likely miles away with no way to find them again.

⠀⠀⠀"I overheard Bianca once. She talked about you. How you'd tried to come to her but got lost. And look! You found her... we can do it again."

⠀⠀⠀They stayed silent, and Beth grew frustrated. She stood to her feet and stared at Daryl pointedly.

⠀⠀⠀"You're a tracker. You can track. C'mon. The sun will be up soon. If we head out now, we can—"

⠀⠀⠀Beth realized she was getting nowhere with them.

⠀⠀⠀"Fine. If you won't track, I will!"

⠀⠀⠀Beth took her knife and marched into the woods. Cal sighed and wiped his hands down his face. They're going to be the death of me, Cal thought as he followed after her. Behind him, Daryl stood and stomped out the fire before following as well.

━━━━━━ October 16, 2011

THE SUN ROSE AND bathed the trees in an early morning glow. Beth walked two feet ahead of Daryl and Cal, wanting space after their lackluster conversation by the fire.

⠀⠀⠀Cal could see the cracks in her begin to bleed. All that calm and peace she had in the prison was a façade he could see through. There was something hurt and vicious underneath, and Cal didn't want to be on the wrong side of her. He learned it from Bianca. He knew when she needed comfort and when she needed space. However different Beth and Bianca presented themselves, Cal could see a similarity to their silence.

⠀⠀⠀Daryl kneeled down in the grass to take a look at something. When he stepped back, there were footprints in the mud. Beth joined them, curious.

⠀⠀⠀"Could be Luke's. Or Molly's," Beth suggested. "Whoever they are, it means they're alive."

⠀⠀⠀"Nah. This means they were alive four or five hours ago," Daryl corrected her.

⠀⠀⠀"They're alive," Beth pressed and continued on.

⠀⠀⠀Beth had been hopeful that people in the prison were alive. Cal hadn't been so sure up until this point. He knew that at least the bus had made it out, but footsteps in the wilderness were another thing. It told him someone made it away from the prison. Maybe it was Luke or Molly, possibly Rick or Sasha, even impossibly Bianca or Michonne. A stammer in his heart hoped it was her.

⠀⠀⠀Cal noticed Daryl waiting for him while Beth stayed a few paces ahead. Cal noticed the disapproving glare on Daryl's face. It reminded Cal of his fears back at the prison. How he didn't belong and that the only thing keeping him there was Bianca. Daryl's frown furthered when Cal didn't move, so he nodded and started alone.

⠀⠀⠀The thoughts swarmed Cal's head, but he shook it off and reminded himself of survival.

⠀⠀⠀They walked another mile before Daryl called their attention to a patch of mushed berries.

⠀⠀⠀"They picked up the pace right here. Got out in a hurry," Daryl explained. He paused as he looked around the dirt road and the rising grass to the left of them. "Things went bad."

⠀⠀⠀"Wouldn't kill you to have a little faith," Beth muttered.

⠀⠀⠀"Yeah, faith," Daryl scoffed, turning his back on her. "Faith ain't done shit for us. Sure as hell didn't do nothin' for your father."

⠀⠀⠀A tense silence cracked the air, and again, Cal found himself between them. Equal parts opposite and yet similar in so many silent ways. Like before, Cal could see the waver in Beth's stoic expression. She had to hope because if she didn't, she would break.

⠀⠀⠀And as Beth turned away from Daryl but still in Cal's view, he could see the stubble shake of her lower jaw as she forced herself to be strong.

⠀⠀⠀"They'll be hungry when we find them," Beth explained as she pulled berries off the tree.

⠀⠀⠀Daryl approached her with his bandana and tapped on her shoulder. After a second, she turned and accepted it gratefully. Daryl moved off the trail. Beth and Cal followed him into the woods finding two bodies in a clearing.

⠀⠀⠀The three stopped as they stared at the scene. A man and a woman lay on the ground, blood-tainted dead grass surrounding them. Cal didn't recognize either of them, which was a relief. Daryl inspected a nearby plant and frowned.

⠀⠀⠀"What?" Beth asked.

⠀⠀⠀"That ain't walker blood," Daryl said.

⠀⠀⠀"The trail keeps goin'," Cal said.

⠀⠀⠀Beth followed his pointed finger and looked further into the woods. "They fought 'em off," she said.

⠀⠀⠀"Nah. Got walker tracks all up and down here. At least a dozen of 'em," Daryl told them.

⠀⠀⠀They were silent again. Then, a set of twigs snapped. Beth was grabbed by a biter while another approached Cal and Daryl. Cal nodded for Daryl to help Beth while he took on the incoming one.

⠀⠀⠀Cal rested his hand on the biter's shoulder once it was in range and forced it back quickly. He kept his eye on the biter as he blindly grabbed for his knife. The walker stepped closer, and Cal almost lost his footing as his hand found the hilt. He lunged forward and sunk the knife into the biter's head.

⠀⠀⠀Daryl and Beth were unharmed behind him, the biter dead at their feet and ready to move.

⠀⠀⠀They walked to a set of train tracks not far from where they found the two bodies. And, unsurprisingly, they found more. A group from the prison, possibly, were attacked by biters and eaten like a buffet. Daryl killed the biters quickly, his bolts strung through their heads without a second thought.

⠀⠀⠀Cal could hardly make out their faces. They were mauled, and blood soaked the dirt. Entrails folded outside their bodies, and the only thing confirming where they were from was a black boot. Molly's.

⠀⠀⠀Molly was dead.

⠀⠀⠀Then, like the straw that broke the camel's back, Beth sobbed with a ring of bodies around her.

⠀⠀⠀Daryl reminded Cal so much of Bianca, especially in moments like these. He turned to look at Beth, and an expression of discomfort crossed his face. He looked nervous to be around someone who could cry. Cal could see why Bianca felt a kinship with Daryl. They were nearly identical at times.

⠀⠀⠀Cal, however, was not like Bianca, and for good measure. They would've been dust in the wind long ago if they were close to one another in temperament or emotional maturity.

⠀⠀⠀He found his way down to Beth and wrapped his arms around her. His chin rested on her head as she shook and sobbed beside him. For a few minutes, Beth hardly processed the fact she was being comforted. They'd been in survival mode for so long that maybe she forgot what it felt like. Then, shakily, her arms reached around Cal, and her face buried into his chest as she sobbed harder into him.

AUTHOR'S NOTE —

Hello! Happy Friday and update day! :) I'm trying to catch up on my editing so that I can schedule these out so I don't have to worry about posting as much. I need to get a start on writing season 5!!! I have most of it (all of it?) planned out so far, it's just the writing that's the hard part :/ So far I have the next month-ish edited and am going to be putting them on schedules so!!! Yay for me!

You'll see that Cal and Bianca are going through very different stages of grief but very similar all the same. And if you've been paying attention to Bianca's story arc, you might have an idea where it's going. There will be a trigger warning in the next chapter that is summarized in the following if you don't want to read that stuff. 

SONG: Blurry by Puddle of Mudd

Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment if you'd like, they keep me motivated! However, this is an all kind of reader safe space. So even if you ghost read or comment every chapter, I hope you know it means the world to me that you've come into this fic ♡ I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and until the next one.