Chapter 12 ― Stop avoiding!

  In the van I sat between Belle and Zayn and I kept talking about comic books with the dark-haired boy. The rest of the lads looked at us like we were crazy, but I was happy with the geeky topic. Normally I could only talk to my brother about this kind of things and as I didn’t see him as much as I wanted, it was good to know another person who also liked collecting and reading comic books. At the end we settled that once we got back home I was going to lend him a few volumes of my collection.

“So I assume you had a great morning,” Phebs asked smiling sweetly and we both nodded.

“I finally met the Gold Saints and now I just want to see her cats,” Zayn replied smiling wildly and hugging me. I felt someone’s glance in my back, but I didn’t want to turn around because I knew I was going to meet Niall’s eyes, and I rather avoid him. “I keep saying Shura is the best,” he added and I punched him softly in the arm.

“Wanna fight again? Don’t mess with me and my Aioros, mate,” I warned him and we both laughed. Our friends seemed worried, which only made us laugh harder. “You don’t know what you’re missing,” I said shaking my head sympathetically. “Thanks to this now we are best mates! Right, Zayn?” I asked him looking up so I met his eyes. He nodded proudly and I smiled at the rest of the party. “See?”

Harry and Liam, who where with Phebs next to us, rolled their eyes but kept smiling. According to what they told us, they had a good time as well, shopping and sightseeing.

We got to the venue and we were led by some security guards. Soon we were all in a big dressing room with mirrors all over the place and many outfits for the lads, chairs, bottles with water and a table packed with food. That was the best part, I had to admit it. Phebs and Belle wanted to explore the territory –their words, not mine– so they went out with several warnings that they should be careful if they didn’t want to get lost. I remained in there with the boys, eating chocolate like there was no tomorrow. Zayn was next to me all the time and I kept avoiding Niall. He tried to talk to me a few times but I always came out with an excuse and ran into Zayn’s arms, who was being not only my cuddle buddy that day, but also my shield. I didn’t want to be near Niall that day because I was emotionally unstable, because I was just making my mind about keeping distance between us and I feared my heart and body would betray me. I wanted to spend time with him, but if I did, it was going to hurt even more at the end and I had already enough.

The boys were called to sound-check and they invited me to go with them, but I preferred to stay in the dressing room, playing some video games. The door closed leaving me behind, but soon it opened again and a blond boy stormed in scaring the hell out of me. I jumped on the comfy sofa and looked at him surprised. I couldn’t pull myself together before he spoke: “Why are you avoiding me?” he asked and my heart stopped.

“I’m–I’m not avoiding you,” I lied trying to avoid his gaze, but I couldn’t. “What makes you think that?”

“Well, I don’t know, the fact that every time I tried to talk to you, you practically run away like I had some kind of disease!” He exclaimed angrily and I didn’t miss the sarcasm there.

“It’s not that,” I whispered because I didn’t know what else to say. I was indeed avoiding him and just having him there made my heart race. I wanted to blurt everything out, tell him about how confusing it was for me, how much I wanted to hug him, to let his warm arms wrap around me, how much I wanted to kiss him for real this time. I wanted to tell him how I was feeling but I couldn’t, I shouldn’t. “It’s just–” I tried again but the words couldn’t come out of my mouth.

“Just what? Did I do something last night? That’s why you left and went to sleep alone. Whatever I did, I’m sorry, Alex. I was sleeping and I–”

“You did nothing,” I reassured him smiling at his concern.

“Then what?” He asked. Niall seemed really worried and anxious about it and that made me feel horrible because it was my fault.

“Nothing. Seriously, Niall, you can’t expect me to act normal these days. I won’t be completely rational nor I will understand myself. You thought women were complicated? Ha, you had to meet me on my period!” I said laughing trying to put him at ease. I didn’t want him all troubled over something that wasn’t his fault but mine, I should have controlled my feelings, I should have noticed that I was falling for him before and stopped it. But I didn’t and now I had to face the consequences.

He glanced at me not fully convinced so I smiled and took his hand. The mere touch sent shivers down my body but I put those sensations aside and focused only on him, on trying to believe that there wasn’t anything else. “In a couple of days everything’s gonna be the same. You’ll see,” I promised as he wrapped my little hand in his larger ones.

“I believe you, but please, don’t ignore me like this again. I don’t like it.” Something inside of me broke at his sight, at the way he was looking at me. I couldn’t hold myself back and hugged him tightly burying my face in his shoulder. He hugged me back patting me softly.

“I’m sorry,” I said in a whisper, not quite sure if he heard me at all, but saying it anyway.

“NIALL!” We heard someone screaming and broke the hug. I looked at him and smiled. “WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!” The same person kept screaming and he opened his eyes like he was scared. I giggled and pushed him out of the sofa.

“Go, go, go before you get into more trouble!” I said as he ran away leaving me alone again. I heard the door shut close and I raised my knees to my chin and hugged my legs biting my lower lip.  It seemed that since I realised what I felt for Niall, everything was more complicated and I just couldn’t be next to him without feeling like I was falling apart. I didn’t know if it was because I really liked him or because I was on my period, either way, it sucked! I wanted to cry and hated myself for that reason. I didn’t like crying, I hated to look weak but in that moment, I felt like that.

The door opened again and I hid my face in case it was Niall again or any of the other boys, but I was mistaken, it was my friends. “Alex! This place is huge, you have to see it” Belle said walking towards me until she fell on the sofa. “We almost got lost twice! Thank goodness Phebs has an amazing sense of orientation… Alex? You okay?” My friend asked noticing that I was still with my face hidden. I shook my head but I didn’t look at them.

“Alex, what happened?” Phebs asked sitting next to me. I felt a lump in my throat that didn’t let me breath or talk and I started shaking. Soon I felt their arms around me and I started sobbing. I was being a pussy, I knew it, but I couldn’t help it.

“Sweetie, please tell us what’s wrong,” Belle requested stroking my hair.

“I like Niall,” I whispered. “ I really, really like him. Not just fancy him… I’m falling for him,” I said, my voice braking at the end.

“But that’s good, sweetie. Why are you like this? These are great news!” She stated gleefully and I just moaned.

“No! They are not! Because it’s Niall we’re talking about. He doesn’t like me back, and he’s an international popstar who would never date a girl like me. Have you seen me? Can you seriously see him with a girl like me? What would his fans say? I don’t even know how we ended up being friends!” I blurted out letting all my frustration go away.

“Oh, sweetie, don’t say things like those. First off, you don’t know if he likes you back or not. Second, you’re an incredible girl. Third, it doesn’t matter what the fans say, it only matters what he thinks. And, honestly, I do see him with a girl like you, in fact, I think you two are really cute and that he is what you’ve always needed,” Belle responded and I looked at her surprised.

“She’s right, Alex,” Phebs interrupted. “You’re great but you don’t see it. How you look doesn’t define you, it just the part you want people to see.”

I looked at them, my heart melting in my chest. “You’re the best, you know that?” They looked at each other and nodded smiling.

I wanted to believe them, I wanted to believe that Niall and I weren’t doomed from the very beginning, but I still couldn’t believe he would like me back, I didn’t find a reason for him to do so.

“I think you should try,” Belle suggested. “You should get closer to him, make him fall for you, too.”

“And what happens when the tour is over? I’ll have to go back to Uni and he’ll carry on with his life as a popstar. He doesn’t have room for me in his life.”

“How can you know without even trying?” Phebs asked and I turned to see her face. “I know it’s better to fail than give up without even trying.”

In that she was right, I was assuming we were doomed already, I was trying to bury my feelings away, believing that they were never going to be corresponded, I was giving up without even putting up a fight for what I wanted. That wasn’t me at all and I should’ve been ashamed of myself.

“You know what? You’re right. I should even try and if it doesn’t work, at least I’ll know I did my best,” I said feeling more enthusiastic. “And if it doesn’t work, I’ll need you both more than ever ‘cause it’s not gonna be pretty.”

“And you’ll have us, Alex,” Phebs said. “Always,” Belle added and we hugged tightly.

I was glad I talked to Belle and Phebs. I was still afraid, I wasn’t going to deny that, but I had also made my mind and I was going to try. I wasn’t sure of what Niall felt for me, but I was going to find out, and if he felt the same way I did, then we were going to try to make it work.

But first things first: I needed to know his feelings.

“Shall we go and see the sound-check?” I asked to my friends and they smiled brightly.

“If we can find a way to get there. I told you, this place is massive!” Belle said laughing as she rose to her feet. “We’ll try!”

“And we’ll make it!” Phebs supported her.

“Hooray for optimism!” I laughed clapping and standing up. We all laughed as we walked out the dressing room and looked for a way to lead us to the stage.

The girls were right, the place was massive and we ran into some guards that helped us find the stage. We could find the guys and see them singing. When they saw us, they waved at us and smiled brightly. My eyes met Niall’s and he winked at me making me blush.

When they finished, the boys went to where we were watching them and hugged us. They were a bit sweaty but not too much. “Ready for a big night?” Belle asked as Zayn put his arm around my waist. After all, it was still Zayn’s day.

“Yeah, totally!” Louis replied jumping up and down like a kangaroo, making me laugh. “The first gig is gonna be epic!”

And he wasn’t lying. The show was amazing and it was completely different to see it from backstage. We could give them a hug before the next song, congratulate them and wish them luck again on the stage. We could hear all the fans screaming and it was overwhelming, seeing the sea of screaming girls from backstage was incredible. I couldn’t imagine how the lads felt but I could guess it was pretty incredible.

Thinking about all that had happened in the last weeks, I realised how amazing it had been to meet these boys. After all, not everyone could have the chance we had, and that itself was an amazing opportunity. I was grateful.