A sort of happy update after such a long time.

Hope you like it.

Happy Reading!

✿   ✿   ✿

Chapter Nine

Nandini

I, still a little lost, looked at my hand which was held carefully in both of his as I sat upon the bonnet of his car and he bandaged it delicately despite the darkness.

I kept looking from my hand to him and then back to my hand.

He hadn't said a word since he's come.

Was he angry?

I mean... why would he be?

But... what if he was?

"Manik?" I call softly.

"Hmm?" he answered, still not looking at me.

"Are you.. mad at me?" I asked.

"Mad? No," he replied, finally putting the spare bandages into the kit and dumping it in the backseat of his car as he returned and I turned to face him. "But disappointed? Yes."

"Why?" I asked, although I knew the reason, clearly.

He glared at me and paced around for a brief minute before sitting on the bonnet of his car beside me, almost shifting the weight of the car towards us. I couldn't hide the small smile. Fatty.

I mean, he was tall and absolutely muscular so that counts for something, but shifting the car's weight backwards? I couldn't help but wonder what his weight would be.

He caught me trying to hide my smile and glared more. The smile vanished.

"Now," he instructed, "Listen to me. Carefully. I am very happy that you didn't tell me that everything's fine and told me to get a medical box and come here. You see, that's a progress. You're letting me in. That's progress."

Was I? Was I letting him in?

"But," He said, "This. What you've done to your hand, I am not proud of that. At all. Although, I will not ask you why because I'm pretty sure you have a good reason. Does that make it any better?" He asked.

I gave a small nod. Someone not questioning my choices and keeping faith in me? I could really use some of that right now.

"Can I get something in return?" He asked. I nodded hesitantly. What?

"Get me that book," he said. "The one you were reading. Get me the book."

The book, which I had got down to read while waiting for him, lied just beside me. I took it and gave it to him silently.

"Thirteen Reasons Why," He said, "A book about suicide and depression, with trigger warnings written write on the first page. But of course you would ignore it."

"Why are you exactly scolding me?" I asked.

"I'm not--" he explained, showing me his eyes. "I'm not scolding you."

"Now that I have shown you enough trust to not ask why you did that to your beautiful hand, can you trust me with your book?" He asked. I took a deep sigh, before nodding with hesitation. What could he probably do with it?

He took the book, got down of the car, and walked a little away, towards the lawn of my house. I tried peeking to see what he was doing, only to get a little heart attack when he moved aside and I saw fire burning the book.

"Manik!" I almost shouted in shock as I jumped down the car and walked towards the book, which was all consumed by the fire. He gave me a small smile and put the lighter back into his pocket as I turned towards him with nothing but anger in my eyes. "What the fuck?"

"This book. It gave someone Thirteen Reasons to die. Bold of you to assume you would read this book and feel happy about it," he said.

"So that doesn't give you the right to burn my book away!" I retorted.

"My book," he corrected. "And it's not like you would never be able to get a second copy of it. I will gift it to you, I promise. But right now, when this triggers your mental health, if reading something like this is affecting your thoughts, then please can you restrain from it?"

"Please?" He requested again. I took a deep breath, turning around and letting the anger slip away. What was I going to do of holding onto it anyways? The books gone.

"Can you trust me enough to let me decide when you're ready to read Thirteen Reasons Why? Until then, could you promise to leave this book from your life? Please?" He turned me around.

"Okay," I agreed, half heartedly. He managed to crack a smile.

"And in return, I will trust you to not do anything like this again," he conditioned.

"It's not that simple, Manik. That's the thing, you see, I didn't take the razor in my hand and decide to give myself a cut because I have nothing to do. It just happened. Just." I explained, helpless.

"I know," he replied with a genuine smile, "And I see the guilt in your eyes whenever you look at your arm. That... that proves how strong you are, Nandini." He coaxed.

I gave him a small smile, "Thank you," I murmured, "Seriously, I never got to say this. Thank you for everything you're doing for me when you have no reason to. And just not giving up.... just, thank you."

"Now that we're coming on terms, you're welcome," he replied with a wink. "And I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been disappointed in you after seeing this. I, above everyone else, should've understood."

"Why?" I asked, softly as we leaned on the car again.

"You see, I fail to under the irony: we cut flowers and kill only the ones which we find best out of the lot. And we cut and kill ourselves, because we think we're not good enough," he nudged.

I was almost struck at that moment, the way his eyes twinkled when he kept his thoughts ahead and all the positive vibes he always emitted, as if he was something else, someone not from this world, someone specially made to make me feel better and to hold my hand during this dark night.

"That's beautiful," I say truthfully, "I'll remember that. Always."

"You're beautiful," he corrected, "Remember that. Always."

It was the first in a long time that someone called me beautiful, someone who's words I could trust and I knew he wasn't just saying it to flatter me or make me feel better.

"I will," I promise.

His eyes meet mine as we both look sideways at each other and the way his eyes shine, I could see beyond why I liked him in the first place. I could see beyond his looks, the soul that lied behind him and his heart that made mine stir. Totally.

He nodded again, still holding that smile. "Perhaps I should leave," he said, "We have school tomorrow."

That had almost left my head completely. It was 2 A.M., almost 3. We didn't even have 4 full hours to sleep.

"Shit, yes!" I groan. He laughed.

"I'll see you," He said, his eyes holding mine, "You'll be fine right? Orelse, I really don't mind a sleepover."

I playfully glared. "Bye Manik."

He laughed, "Go up first and show me your hand from the window. Only then I'm going away."

"Seriously?" I tease, "I'm not a kid."

"Go!" He pushed.

I laughed, but went in anyways. I tiptoed back to my room, switched on the lights and then waved him bye from the window. He smiled, waving back from his car before he sped away.

It felt good.

I just returned to bed when I saw I had two texts from Manik.

Manik:

One: Despite going through all odds, you have the courage to smile back and to stand up strong.

2:53 A.M

Manik:

Two: You still have the courage to trust. Even if it means trusting a twat like me.

3:01 A.M

My brows knitted in confusion.

Me:

What?

now
3:05 A.M.

He didn't reply back, even as I fell asleep.

But it felt good, to know there was someone who cares and someone whom you could fall back onto.

It felt nice, genuine and totally unreal but a small part of me wanted to believe it's real. A small part of me wanted to fall back again, hoping that he'd catch me.

Thank you, Manik.

✿   ✿

The woods were filled with snow, and I could feel the wet and cold feeling trickle me inside me clothes and touching my bare skin, but all I could see was darkness.

And then my eyes flew open, as if it was sudden jerk that hit me. I gasped, as if oxygen couldn't reach my lungs, and then my eyes fell everywhere around me.

There was blood. A lot of it.

I was soaking in my blood as I got up in shock, wanting to run, but my feet couldn't carry me anywhere as I stayed rooted.

The darkness was disappearing, and I could see a crushed car in front of me which was oddly familiar. Was it mine?

And then a hand fell off. My mother's wedding ring, which she never took off even after the divorce, still shined on the arm and someone, I think it was doctor Stella, pulled her out.

Her face was dismantled and dull of blood and cuts, blue and red, her eyes little open. And from beside her, they pulled me out. I was here, but my body was there.

"Mom?" I called, running towards her, but the more I ran, the farther she got from me.

"Mom!" I shouted, louder this time. And then it all vanished. Everything vanished. Darkness held me down as if I couldn't breathe. I felt I was trembling but I couldn't break away. I felt the fear, I wanted to wake up from anything that was holding me down, but I couldn't move.

And then my alarm rang.

I woke up panting, gasping for air. The dream-- nightmare, it felt so real. So real. As if I was out of my body actually viewing what was happening around me, looking at the accident that changed my life upside down.

Helpless and sweaty, I got out of my bed, switched off the alarm on my phone, as I saw a few text messages. Again.

Manik:

Three: because I can't sleep, and I'm thinking about you.

4:03 A.M.

Eeks, I realised how cheesy that sounds. I meant, I'm thinking about random stuff that includes you.

4:17 A.M.

Manik:

Four: because I'm re-reading the book YOU asked me to read. Augustus Waters died and I AM MAD AT YOU.

5:03 A.M.

Manik:

If I have the fourth cup of coffee, will it kill me?

5:07 A.M.

Also, five: because your opinion matters.

5:08 A.M.

I quickly texted back.

Me:

You're an absolute weird texter. Also, yes, Augustus Waters died. :(

And I hope the coffee didn't kill you.

Also, good morning.

now
6:37 A.M.

I got out of showers and descended downstairs, Dad and Mia were already at the dining. I'm starting to sense a pattern here. I come from my room, they're there, he offers me food, we get into an argument, and I leave Home.

I decided to keep quiet this time. And he silently passed me the breakfast. Neither of us wanting to address last night.

"I'm not hungry," I lie, "I'll get something in the canteen. I'm going early today."

"I'll drop you," He said, picking his head from the newspaper and I although try to ignore, can't help but notice how red his eyes are too.

"No, I'll manage," I say.

"Nandini Di, please come with us! I like when you're here! Pleaseee," she whined.

I nod negatively. "No Mia--...." I start but my eyes fall on her. I don't know what it was. Maybe that she was too pretty or her puppy face was too cute or the fact that her name came from my Mom's that attracted me to her so much. "Okay," I sigh.

"Yay!" She shouted, getting up from the table.

Ten minutes later, when we got into the car, I knew I had to say something.

Just say it and get done with it. C'mon Nandini.

"Dad?" I say, grabbing his attention.

"I-- uhm-- I--" I begin. I pause, take a deep breath, close my eyes, and then say it, "I need sleeping medicines."

His eyes flicker to me and then back to the road. "Like anti depressants, you mean?"

"Yes," I agree, "I mean, not exactly. I'm just having trouble sleeping since the past two nights. I spoke to Doctor Stella today, she suggested medicines or therapy. Since I'm not eighteen yet, I can't buy anti-depressants myself from the medical yet. Could you please get me some?" I ask in more decent words.

"I had suggested therapy too. Council-ling remember?" He looks at me briefly.

I nod, feeling suffocated by the conversation. "Not something I'm looking forward to," I reply, trying to tone myself down.

"You consider therapy, and I'll get you anti depressants," he bargains.

"Like I said, not something I'm looking forward to," I reply again.

"Sleeping tans can work for a while, what'll happen when you grow a resistance towards them? Therapy might really help, and more long lasting. Like I said... my friend's a councillor, I can talk-....." he said parking the car.

"Dad," I stop him. I was about to say how he has no right but I kept mum. "Okay, I'll consider. Now can I get my sleeping tabs?"

"By the evening," he passes me a smile, "Have fun at school." I roll my eyes, but say bye to Mia nonetheless as I get out and walk to the class.

I was still not used to people looking at me like I was actually a walking ghost.

My phone buzzed in my pocket again.

Manik:

Six: because you hate attention. Something rare in girls these days.

7:23 A.M.

I was about to enter the class when I stopped, looking around. Where was he?

My phone buzzed again.

Manik:

Seven: because you're so beautiful and you're so unaware of it; like the way your hair flips and your eyebrows knit when you're trying to find me. i swear i heard someone talking about how pretty you're looking in that red dress.

7:25 A.M.

I couldn't help but stifle a laugh as I went into the class and Mukti waved at me.

Manik:

Eight: also, because red's totally your colour.

7:27 A.M.

"Nandini!" Mukti smiled, dragging me to sit with her. I smiled, greeting her back.

"You have no idea what happened yesterday?" She said in the unbelievable tone.

"What happened?"

"Manik Malhotra; yes, our Manik Malhotra, he stayed up all night reading a book. And I think he might have even cried, although he strongly denied it in the morning," she laughed.

I passed her a smile. "Manik stayed at your place last night?" I asked.

"Yeah," she smiled, "I think he fought with his father or something yesterday. Whenever he fights with his dad, he comes over to my place. I live alone na, so I have a room specially for him. He's at my place 50% of the nights. He just can't stand his Dad sometimes....." she ranted, but stopped when she saw me lost.

"What happened?" She asked, keeping a hand on mine. I drew in a smile for her, nodding negatively.

Sometimes, I look at Manik and feel like he's the most positive person in this world, like everything perfect in his life and he's so happy. I almost forget, that people who have the strength to be happy and be kind are actually the people who've gone through the toughest times; because only a person who's lived through the darkness can appreciate the light.

"He visited you last night, right?" She asked. I was hesitant to nod, wondering if I should lie.

"It's okay, like I said, he's the one who goes though the extra mile for his friends," she smiled. "He came knocking in my room at twelve a.m. and asked for the medical kit, I got so fucking worried and when I asked him what happened, all he answered was Nandini. Like seriously? What kind of reply was that?" She laughed.

"He came back at three and I was waiting for him to turn up. I beat his ass so much for leaving me hanging that I'm sure he didn't sleep in the pain," she laughed more and I couldn't help but laugh with her.

"Nandini, is there something going on between you and Manik?" She asked suddenly and my laughter got stuck in my throat.

"What?" I tried to shake it off. "No! He already has a girlfriend remember?" I asked.

"Manik has a girlfriend?" She looked like she was about to puke and then something dawned. "Right! Aliya." She remembered.

I nodded. She immediately apologised, "I'm sorry I didn't mean anything. I just asked because I haven't seen Manik so worried in a while for anyone. And last night, it was like he was lost or something. As if he could only see black and looking at you would return his vision. I'm not even exaggerating, he acted crazy," she smiled it off. No wonder the first thing he came and did was hug me.

My heart fluttered, at her words, and the memory of how he hugged me, catching me off guard.

"We just connect," I said lamely. "I figured," she agreed, and quickly moved to another topic. That's what I like most about her. She didn't poke her nose in my business.

Mukti and I kept speaking throughout the day but very often, I found my mind wandering to Manik, the words she said about him and how that had, like always, left me in a pool of confusion.

Why did he care so much?

I was tempted to check my phone and see if he had texted anything else, but I refrained, not wanting to be rude.

When we finally got out of the classroom after half the day, we went to the canteen. I was hungry. So hungry.

I immediately checked my phone while she ordered for us.

Manik:

Nine: because you have friends who care a lot about you.

8:51 A.M.

Ten: because you have a smile that could light
up anyone's day.

10:01 A.M.

Eleven: because you're real, and I appreciate you. I appreciate the way you care more about some stupid characters in a sappy romance novel than the people around you.

11:51 A.M.

I looked up, looking around, to see if he was anywhere, but no.

And then my phone buzzed again.

Manik:

Twelve: because I am the first person you find when you sit in the canteen.

now

I immediately turned around in the hope he'd be there, only to meet with disappointment.

Me:

I don't understand what you're saying. Also, where are you?

now

Manik:

Well, Hannah Baker found Thirteen Reasons to Die. I'm giving you Thirteen Reasons to live.

now

My heart fluttered a little as an overwhelming feeling crossed me, a sudden urge to smile wider than I ever did and I wondered, is this what they call a blush?

I bit down a smile, as I texted right away.

Me:

I appreciate that so much. 💗 don't mind though, but that's just twelve. ;)

now

Manik:

Your thirteenth reason is right behind you.

now

I immediately got up and turned behind to see him standing in his jogger's and a football tee with denim jacket on the top, his phone in his hand and a lopsided grin on his face as his eyes met mine, making my heart flutter.

My thirteenth reason to live: him.

x

Vote, Comment, and Share.

So much love out there.
-H.