Chapter forty-two: Old habits die hard

K A I S O N

I woke up with the sun. Without Livvy beside me, I hadn't slept very well. My brain immediately got to work, replaying the shitty events of the previous night. I had always been a victim of my thoughts. Sometimes I was able to override them, but the majority of the time I either fought a losing battle or didn't fight at all.

I hated that.

I lay there till my alarm sounded: half helpless, half lacking incentive. Impassively, I swiped up to dismiss it and threw the covers off.

Time to officially get up.

I knew Livvy got up around seven. She wasn't exactly a morning bird, but work had demanded her sleep cycle to be that way for a long time now. She wasn't thrilled about it, but I was sure that in the time she had at home now, she would do everything in her power to turn it around.

Thinking about her always made me happy. So, with a smile on my face, I began my day. I decided to leave for Livvy's right after breakfast. But then I thought we could do it together. And so I just brushed my teeth and put on a hoodie. Before I left, I peeked in the guest room and saw a mop of blonde hair. Ignoring the irritation that demanded to be addressed, I slid on my shoes, grabbed my keys, and stepped out.

The drive was short and peaceful since traffic, although not non-existent, was much more tolerable than usual. I parked in her building's basement and called the elevator. Not a minute later, I was knocking at the door.

Just being this close to seeing her made my heart dance and my mood lift. I almost whistled to myself. I heard her footsteps and contained myself.

"--I don't know," I heard her say as she opened the door. It took me a second to realize that she had her pods on and was talking to someone on the phone. "He's here."

I'm guessing it's Samantha.

I didn't say anything except smile at her in greeting. She looked cute with her hair mussed up. She must've woken up just a while ago.

"Right," she continued after a pause. "Look, I have to go. Take care."

She removed the AirPods from her ear and held them in her hand, turning away from the door before I could say anything. I frowned. She didn't even acknowledge me. Was she not happy to see me? What was wrong?

She walked to her room and followed her, taking it as a silent invitation. She casually placed the pods back in their case. Too casually.

Realization dawned on me and I internally face-palmed. How could I forget that I abandoned her last night? Shit.

"I know you're mad," I said lowly, now keenly watching her every move to assess the damage I had done. She had her back to me so it was harder to read her.

She lifted her shoulders and then dropped them unceremoniously. "Why would I be?"

It's bad. Fuck.

"Livvy, I'm so sorry," I apologized. I meant it. I was never letting Chelsea fuck things up for me again.

She sat down on the bed, finally facing me. She tilted her head to the side, feigning nonchalance.

"For what?" She asked in a tight voice.

"For leaving you like that last night." I shook my head, a pit of dread forming in my stomach almost like a foreboding. "It really was an emergency."

An emergency I've made clear won't be entertained by me anymore.

She crossed her legs, leaning back on her hands. I saw her hands clench and fist the sheets. Overcome by a sudden urge to comfort her, I bent down to kiss her but she turned her head at the last moment, making my lips fall on her cheek. I hesitantly straightened up. She examined me again.

"Was it, now?" She counter-questioned.

The pit in my stomach grew. Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong.

"Yeah," I said hesitantly. "Why are you saying everything like a question?"

"I don't know," she replied curtly.

With more surety than I felt, I took a seat beside her. "Okay."

Her eyes closed almost as if she didn't even want to have to look at me. Hurt pierced at me.

"What was the emergency, Kai?" She asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

My stomach dropped at the raw vulnerability in her voice. I couldn't understand. I could feel it was something more than the fact that I had left the party. Something I didn't know was happening and I hated not being in the loop and losing control.

"A friend of mine needed me," I told her truthfully.

"A friend needed you," she repeated. Her head moved up and down nearly mockingly.

"Yes," I said, tentatively. "Is everything alright?"

It was like the snap of a rubber band.

"You tell me."

Her eyes were fire. Fire that wanted to eat me up alive. A fire fuelled by hurt that I didn't know the source of. A fire that begged me to put it down and at the same time a fire that threatened to destroy me.

"It is," I halted cautiously, "I think."

"Where were you last night, Kaison?" She asked flatly.

Why is she asking me the same question again and again?

"I told you, a friend needed me," I insisted.

"More than your girlfriend whom you took to a party the day her father had a heart attack?"

I frowned as I thought about it. I didn't want to lie to her. I worded my answer carefully.

"In a way, yes."

I trusted Milo and Grace to make sure Livvy would be okay. But Chelsea was alone in a bar, drunk out of her wits. God knew what would've happened had the paparazzi caught her in that state and got some garbled statements from her. It would've created more drama than Liv would be able to bear.

Speaking of, I focused back on Livvy. She stared at me for a moment and I saw the fire in them die. Not sizzle out because someone put water on it, but die as if had nothing to keep consuming anymore. As if there was no wood left.

Her emotions closed off in a jiffy. I knew I had fucked something up again and I was struggling to grasp what.

"At least you said the truth!" She uttered. "Well, half-truth anyway."

A cold, bone-chilling laugh erupted from her throat as she wiped away the tears that had welled in her eyes.

"What are you talking ab- fuck, Liv, are you okay? Why are you crying?"

I felt myself losing her again. I felt her slipping away from me and it was fucking painful. Even before she opened her mouth to say anything, I felt it in me.

"Fuck you," she hissed.

My heart palpitated and fear gripped me. The thought of losing her for real made me frantic inside and I worked to keep my calm on the surface. I didn't know what I had done, but I was ready to apologize.

"Mon amour, I'm sor-"

"Don't fucking bother."

My heart almost stopped at the hurt and venom in her tone. And it couldn't possibly be because of what I already knew. Livvy would never react this way about that.

"What did I do?" I asked helplessly.

She laughed again, the same hollow laugh that rang in my ears, scaring me with its insipidity. She stood up.

"What did you do?" She asked rhetorically. She grabbed her phone and shoved it in my face. "Still need me to elaborate?"

My eyes focused don't the screen and I felt myself going cold.

What the bloody fuck.

They caught us right at the moment where she'd made the move. Right then. My brain fumbled to wrap itself around it and at the same time tried to not lose the love of its life.

"It's not what you think," I managed.

"Right," she drawled. Her voice dripped disappointment and regret. "I think you should leave."

Suddenly I was back in her front yard, standing near my car as she told me it was over. I was eighteen again. I was scared, I was lost, I was heartbroken.

No, I was broken.

Once again I saw her turning her back to me and telling me to leave. I heard the pain in her voice that reflected how fractured I had left her. How much agony and despair I had caused her. How much I had failed her.

No no no this can't be happening again.

I became desperate. "Liv-"

"Don't bother," she cut me off, shaking her head. "Unless you're not making excuses, I don't want to hear it."

The tone in which she said it stunned me with another painful realization:

She still doesn't trust me.

"I-" I stopped myself.

How could I be so foolish? How could I repeat the same mistake twice? How?

I was so desperate to have her back, so ecstatic, I almost forgot what had made me let her go before. Every relationship is built on trust. I trusted her blind because she had earned my trust. She had been an angel with all her transparency.

And I? I had failed. I had failed miserably to make her believe that my love for her was true. That I truly cared for her. That I would never look, let alone touch any other woman the way I looked at her and touched her.

I had never given her a chance to see that I had changed. I'd never let her see and know me enough to know I would never be stupid enough to go kiss some random girl again.

Chelsea isn't random anymore, though, is she? You've already cheated on Livvy with her before. That makes things a thousand times worse.

How could she be happy with me if she couldn't even trust me? There were many people around me and the paparazzi were always following me around or catching me in a moment I didn't want the world to know about. It came with the job. I couldn't help it. And I couldn't possibly ask her to spend her entire life waiting for me to come home and explain what shit had gone down.

She deserved better.

I had truly fucked up again by rushing into things. Now there was no way to repair us.

I blinked rapidly to dispel the moisture that had made its way into my eyes and stood up. My soul felt tired and defeated.

"You're right," I forced the words out of my mouth. I didn't even have the courage to look up at her and say it. "I should leave. I'm sorry for wasting your time."

It was amazing how every fiber of my being seemed to be falling apart but I was still standing as if my world wasn't collapsing.

What you see is not always true.

"The keys," she demanded angrily.

Confused, I looked up from the ground. "Hun?"

"My keys, Kaison."

It clicked. "Right."

I took them out of my pocket and handed them to her. It took every ounce of control to not refuse or beg her to stay by trying to explain everything.

She deserves better, I kept reminding myself.

I pushed my legs to walk towards the door when her hand clasped on mine, stopping me. Hope bloomed in me only to be crushed by her next words.

"Please give me one good reason why I have to look at that picture, Kai. One reason is all I ask."

If you love somebody, let them go.

"You won't understand," I replied hoarsely.

"I know you're hiding something," she cried out.

Please don't make this any more difficult than it already is.

"Li-" I began but she cut me off.

"You have a month." She closed her eyes as if asking for strength, releasing her grip. "One month, Kaison. Spill the beans, give me the explanations I need, and you can fix us."

But I'm not good for you.

The tempting offer almost had me telling her everything. But for what? What will happen when a fan would jump out of me nowhere? It had happened before. How many times would I unintentionally hurt her in the quest to keep her with me, to love her, and call her mine? How could I be so selfish?

I couldn't. I just couldn't.

You love her, right? Let her go.

I didn't meet her eye. I knew she would read them straight away. It would shatter her and I wouldn't be able to do what needed to be done. I would break with her. I would end up holding onto her when I shouldn't.

I made my head move back and forth in a nod as if I accepted her condition.

And then I walked away from her for the last time ever. And this time I knew I would never come back.

Turns out, a heart can take more than one fatal hit.

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A/N: Surprise! A double update to make up for having to skip a few other regular updates. I hope you guys can forgive me :)

These chapters don't really follow the theme of Valentine's Day, do they? Oh, well.

QOTD: Do/did you have a Valentine this Valentine's day?

Take care! I'll see you guys tomorrow, hopefully.

All my love,
xoxo.