Chapter six: Love and sleep

O L I V I A

Holy shit.

I knew we'd have to come face to face and I was avidly avoiding it. That is until I was forced to speak to him. It was when he had spoken to me that I realized that I had been yearning for it all these years. That realization freaked me out inside out. It made me angrier with him and myself.

I wished I could go back to simpler times. Times when his address was loving and not accusing, when we would spend every possible moment of every day together, when we would talk, communicate and cuddle instead of playing what seemed like an ugly version of cat and mouse.

I rubbed my arms together furiously as I walked along the shore. I tried to shut my brain down but failed miserably. I rubbed my sweaty palms on my jeans and tried to focus on the ocean to calm down.

"Liv!"

I groaned. What part of walking away from a group fails to convey the need for some solitude?

"I'm not in the mood, Sam," I called back without stopping.

She caught up breathlessly. "Listen to me!"

"What is it?" I asked tiredly. I knew exactly what.

"Talk to him," she said. "Get closure."

"What closure?" I was already mentally exhausted. "We know what happened. We talked six years ago. I'm good."

"That was not closure," she insisted. "That was a half-assed post-break-up talk."

"I'm good," I reiterated. "And I am not talking to him."

"You make me want to lock you guys up in a fucking room!" She groaned.

I glared at her. "Don't even think about it."

"I already have. But I'm afraid he won't make it out alive and that's been holding me back."

"Hardy har-har," I deadpanned.

"Liv, please," she pleaded.

And we have firmly crossed the line to downright pissed.

"What the fuck?" I bit out. "No."

"God, I'm tired of your stubbornness!" She snapped. "You refuse to talk it out and then you mope around all the time. Five years, Olivia! Five. Get over it!"

"I am over it!" I raised my voice. "I'm good! I'm fine!"

"You are delusional if you think that," she scoffed. "You are afraid to love. You're so fucking damaged that you are scared every time your relationships get serious. You quit. You back out. The only reason you're still friends with me and Griffin is that we've held on too tight. You're still hung up on Kaison and I know that despite you trying to hide it. You're still in fucking love!!"

"I am not!" I told her indignantly. My face was probably turning red. "You don't know anything!"

"I can't believe you!" She shook her head. "I was the one who listened to you crying and ranting all these years. Late nights when you were too lonely to sleep, I was there on video calls, talking to you till you drifted off. When you were so distressed, I was the one who talked you down. I was there for you through everything and you're telling me I don't know anything?!"

She had a point. But that just made me madder. I needed space. I wanted to think. She might've been there, but she didn't know. She couldn't know. Except, she did. And I had been more transparent than I had believed. Now that carelessness was coming back to bite me in the ass when I least need it. My eyes prickled uncomfortably.

"Just go!" I spouted out in frustration.

She looked at me half sad, half done. "Oh, I am. And this time, I'm not coming back."

* * * * *

"You guys fought again?" Griffin groaned at lunch as he took a seat between us. Well, he certainly caught up soon. Given that these fights had been a more common occurrence as of late, it wasn't that big of a surprise.

Neither Sam nor I replied.

"What was it this time?" He asked. "Wait." He raised a hand as if to stop us even though we had made no move to speak, and raised his eyes upwards. "I know. Jennings."

I gave him a small glare and he looked down to give me a reproachful look in return.

"Don't," I warned him.

"You have to do it sometime," he said, shrugging. "Better late than never, don't you think so?"

Traitor.

"I don't," I said firmly. "You guys are being too repetitive."

He opened his mouth. "Olive, y-"

"Hey," Carter greeted, sitting down next to me, effecting closing it.

I grinned and I turned to him, glad to have an excuse to look away. "Hi."

"Olive-"

"It's rude to ignore people on the table, Griff," I said patronizingly, casting him a sour look over my shoulder. He didn't look too pleased with that. I narrowed my eyes and he sighed before pasting on the fakest smile I had ever seen him wear.

"How are you this fine morning, Carter?" He asked him through gritted teeth. Carter opened his mouth to reply but Griff bet him to it. "Oh, really? Me, too! Glad we talked about that. So, where were we, Liv?"

"Damn you guys!" I snarled, serving myself some pasta.

"He's here, you're here. What's the fucking problem?!"

You know he's over Sam and I fighting the moment he pushes me to talk to that douchebag of a human being.

I stubbornly stood my ground. "The fucking problem is that I don't want to speak to him. Period."

"Why won-"

"Good afternoon, Livvy. Samantha. Griffin. Carter." Kaison sat down in an empty seat opposite Griffin.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I muttered while the rest greeted him back.

I might've imagined it, but Sam's greeting was much warmer than any of the others. Kaison even awarded her with one of his full smiles. I didn't know why that made my gut twist uncomfortably. I decided not to pick that particular reaction of mine apart.

"Hey, guys! Attention please!" Lena tapped her spoon to her glass. "We'll be going clubbing tonight at a club down the street. Are you ready to party?"

Clubbing = Alcohol + Music + Sex

"Whoooooo!" They cheered.

"Boo," I muttered under my breath given my circumstances. Carter caught it and gave me an amused smile. I shrugged back unapologetically. I had meant it.

"You don't want to party?" He asked.

I bit into my food. "Meh."

"What's up?" He asked between bites.

"Nothing," I clipped.

"You can either talk to me or you can talk to Griffin," he pointed out. "Or even better, Kaison. Your call."

"I hate you," I groused, stabbing a penne.

"You love me and you know it."

I rolled my eyes, my lips twitching. "Whatever helps you sleep at night, Cart."

"I'd acknowledge that line if it wasn't so overused."

"You unintentionally just did."

"Did not."

"Did too!"

"Did not."

"Di-"

"What are you guys talking about?" Kaison interrupted.

I stabbed my pasta with renewed zeal, eating aggressively. I didn't want to answer, so I grabbed my soda and pretended to be busy drinking. Carter made me regret doing that not even a whole ten seconds later.

"We were talking about how the knowledge that she loves me helps me sleep at night," he told Kaison innocently.

My eyes widened and some of the drink went from my mouth back into the vessel. I lowered the glass back on the table, trying and failing spectacularly at not coughing violently at the choice of words.

Awesome. Now even the ones who were minding their own business have something to look at.

Good job, Olivia. Why don't you laugh hysterically or burst into tears too? Do justice to the show you so courteously started.

"What?" Griffin asked at the same time Lara did.

I fixed a huge bite on my fork and placed it in my mouth as an excuse to not speak. I wished it was spiked. God knew I needed some encouragement.

"You heard me," Carter replied nonchalantly.

Or instead of deprecating yourself for coughing, why don't you just go back in time and kill Carter before he opened his big damned mouth that can potentially open the gates of hell if he, by any chance, figured out how? Which, knowing him, wouldn't be too long. Sometimes I suspected chaos lived rent-free in Carter.

I swallowed my bite and decided my words would be more helpful than my silence. I picked up my glass with a fake smile, holding it to my mouth but not drinking from it.

"What are you doing?" I hissed at him.

"Trust me," he said from the corner of his mouth.

"Do I look like an idiot?" I questioned quietly.

"Olivia," he spoke. "Just do it."

"Like I have a choice," I muttered sullenly behind my glass.

"Good enough for me," he mumbled back.

"I thought you guys broke up?" Kaison frowned.

"Details, details." Carter shrugged dismissively. "Doesn't mean I can't win her back."

Sam snorted. "Good luck with that."

"Thanks." Carter grinned good-naturedly. Now that I wanted to laugh at too. Sam's face had gone from entertained to confused in nanoseconds and given that I had had a recent spat with her, her slight discomfort amused me.

"I meant, that's never gonna happen," Sam told him. Oh, I definitely wanted to laugh. She thought he didn't understand her, when in fact, it was just the opposite. Her effort to save the face of her sarcastic words was interesting.

"You speak for Liv now?" He asked her, undeterred.

"No. Her past does. I'm just a messenger for unsuspecting people like you," she answered haughtily.

He smirked confidently as if he had her right where he wanted her. "Turns out, I am her past, too. And I say I'll win her back."

I wanted to be entertained, but at that moment I heard someone whistle lowly and that reminded me that this spat was public. All this pointless drama was not mine, it now belonged to all of the people sitting at the table. Now they had the right to whisper, laugh and judge me every time one of them remembered it or I walked past. Mortification rushed into my veins and my palpitating heart did a good job of spreading it all across my body within a matter of seconds.

"Oh, my God," I mumbled to myself, sinking into my seat and wishing I'd become invisible by some miracle. The weight of the stares aimed at me was finally catching up with me. "Shut up, Cart."

Of course, he chose to ignore me.

"You are an idiot." Sam shook her head, either too oblivious or too engrossed to care. "She doesn't love you. She never did."

For God's sake, Caine is sitting right there! And so are other people who happen to know me.

"And who are you to say that?" Carter scoffed.

"Her best friend." She smiled smugly.

"Not good enough," he dismissed.

"I'll fuc-"

Okay. That's it.

"Samantha," I interrupted sharply. The water was going over my head. "That's enough."

"For God's sake, Olivia!" She cried in exasperation.

I knew for a fact that any further conversation on the table would only fuel more drama. I didn't miss how the room was so utterly silent and how there was no noise of even forks scratching against the plates.

"Excuse me," I murmured, pushing my chair and standing up. I dropped my napkin next to my plate and with downcast eyes, I rushed out.

I didn't lift my gaze as I walked to my room. I relied on motor memory and hoped it wouldn't disappoint me. For once in my life, my body did what I relied on it to do. I reached for the key in my pocket and I deftly unlocked the door. I got in and shut it behind me promptly.

I sank to the floor in a pathetic mess I had wanted to be ever since I had realized the scene unfolding before my eyes. I brought my knees close to my chin and rocked my body like a kid. I rested my forehead rested on my knees, wrapping my arms around them.

Breathe in, breathe out.

The thing with anxiety is that we hate too much attention, we avoid emotional conflicts because they trigger us, and we detest scrutiny because they make us feel as if we were being prosecuted. It robs us of our peace.

Knock!

I didn't lift my head. I stayed there like the child I felt while trying not to hyperventilate. I refused to buy and eat pills so the only way I could control was anxiety was by behavioral methods.

Knock!

"Livvy?" I heard him call softly.

My stomach twisted with yearning. All I wanted was to stand up and let him in. I wanted to be embraced by him again. I wanted to be cuddled, kissed, and loved by him again. I wanted to let him in my heart and cry for my losses, for the loss of us. I wanted to know where we went wrong.

What had I done to push him away? Why did I still want him after everything? Why had he kissed her?

I wanted answers. I wanted explanations.

I wanted him.

The thought made my panic rise even more. If there was one thing I had told myself with certainty over the years when Kaison had crossed paths with me drunk and out of his mind, it was that he was my forbidden fruit. No matter how much I wanted him, I couldn't, and shouldn't have him.

Nothing good ever comes out of acquiring that forbidden fruit for anyone.

Breathe in, breathe out.

"Livvy, are you okay?" His voice broke my chain of thoughts.

No. I miss you.

"I know you're in there, mon amour," he continued softly.

"I'll go check on Ol- what are you doing here, Kaison?" I heard Griffin demand.

"Checking up on Livvy," he replied.

"Dude," I heard Carter reproach.

I wanted them all to go away. I only wanted to hear Kai's voice. I wanted just Kai.

"You can stay out of this," Kaison uttered coldly.

"No, you stay away from Olivia," Griffin growled.

The tone of their conversation triggered a painful, unbidden memory that I had buried inside of me years ago.

"Liv, don't take this the wrong way," Griffin began seriously. I urged him to go on as I sipped my water. "Does Kaison know you're here?"

"Of course." I frowned at his question. "I came with him. Why?"

"Umm . . ." He suddenly looked uncomfortable. I got a sinking feeling in my stomach.

"What is it?" I asked, not liking it.

"Tell her," Sam urged.

"You know?" I asked her, confused.

"No, but I want to," she said like it was the simplest thing ever.

"Did you guys break up?" He asked again before I could reply to Sam.

"No. Why would we do that? What's with the weird questions, Griff? Just spit it out."

"He's-" he stopped. "Why don't you come and see?" He tugged at my arm.

"What the fuck, dude?!" I whined as he pulled me all the way to the couches where I had left Kaison. Samantha followed us on her own.

He looked at me apologetically before he waved his hands towards a couple. My frown deepened in confusion. I looked closer and my stomach dropped.

The wind rushed out of my lungs as if I had been kicked in the gut. My throat closed up.

"I-is that Kai?" I stuttered when I found my voice.

God, no.

"Oh hon." Sam wrapped her hands around my shoulder. Griffin stood motionlessly.

We've been dating for over two years.

"Maybe it was a dare," I tried weakly, my hands touching the promise band on my ring finger for comfort. I had kissed half the football team myself after being roped up in their games. 

Even if it was, he would never kiss anymore like this. He shouldn't. It would be just a friendly peck but . . . .

That doesn't look friendly at all.

"No, it isn't. We haven't started playing yet," I heard Griff mumble under his breath. Even though I guessed that much, it felt like a stab in my chest. "Ow!"

Sam elbowed his gut, I assumed.

How could he?

I heard them moan and I realized I'd walked too close without thinking.

It made me nauseous. He had just kissed me before we had come in.

Why?

"I'll just go home," I forced out, turning around.

I was standing a foot behind him but he didn't notice me.

"What? No." Griffin stopped me.

"What do you want me to do?" I snapped, my vision blurring. "Stand here and watch him take her next?!"

"Don't cry, Liv," he told me sternly, leaning over so that I could hear him over the music. He wiped my cheeks with his hands and I leaned into the comfort. "Any guy who cheats on you isn't worth it. I'd know."

"Two years, guys," I worked to keep my voice even, blinking rapidly.

"Finish this," Sam encouraged, shouting to make me hear.

"Right here," Griffin agreed. "Right now."

"But-" I began but stopped when I saw what happened next. Sam nodded at Griffin and he nodded back. Before I could make sense of the exchange, Griffin jumped into action.

He pulled at Kai's collar roughly, breaking the heated kiss. Kai stumbled. The girl he had backed up against the wall scowled. Her lipstick was smudged and her hair was disheveled.

"Do you mind?" She bit out. "We were rather busy here."

Kai's eyes landed on me and widened. The fact that he was okay with kissing her and evidently not okay with me finding out made this so much worse.

"Livvy-" he began but Griffin landed another blow on his jaw. My hands flew up to my mouth in horror.

"Don't even say her name," he spat out.

"Griffin." My voice trembled.

This isn't happening. This isn't happening.

"You stay out of this!" Kai snapped at him. Facing me, he started in a gentler voice, "Liv, listen to me. This is not what you think. I lov-"

"No," I cut him off, trying to shut my emotions off.

"Livvy, pl-"

"We're over, Kaison," I choked out.

"Let's go. I'll give you a ride." Sam rubbed my arm and turned me around.

"Don't!" I heard Griffin warn, "Don't even think about it. Leave her the fuck alone."

I shook my head violently, hating how even just his voice pushed me over the edge, ruining years of hard work I had put into keeping myself collected. The memory clawed at my insides. I hated that all he had to do was exist to break the dam I had carefully constructed over years. Tears welled in my eyes but I refused to let them fall.

Seeing no way that eavesdropping on their conversation could help me at all, I forced myself to stand up and soundlessly climbed into my bed. I was spent both emotionally and mentally. I pulled the duvet over my head and their voices ceased to penetrate my hearing blocks.

Scared of them getting out of control again in the silence, I clenched my eyes shut. I stubbornly refused to think about those soft brown eyes that once held liquid love for me. I refused to think about the feeling of being pressed into his defined chest as he hugged me every morning before school. I refused to think about the games I used to cheer for him and how he would kiss me after each one they won. I refused to-

Fuck.

The dam broke all the way, and with it so did I.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A/N: This one was kinda intense. I hope I did it justice.

QOTD: What's your guilty pleasure?

Take care. See you guys tomorrow!

All my love,
xoxo.