Chapter two: Traipsing down the memory lane

O L I V I A

It was a few months after my break-up with Kai. I had been depressed and I had most definitely been at my lowest. My way of coping with my abysmal situation had been casually dating a random guy on campus. It was purely physical, which suited my purposes perfectly. He was gorgeous and wanted nothing serious either, which definitely helped. My only condition was that it would not be an open relationship. It hadn't taken much to get him to agree.

It was meaningless. But after seven months of fucking around aimlessly, I just couldn't bring myself to do it anymore. The attraction was fading and my guilt, which had no right to pop up and bother me, had been flaring unnecessarily. And so, I had talked to Carter and called it off. On the phone.

A casual relationship called for a casual breakup.

Or maybe I was just heartless by then.

But that couldn't be true when it still hurt in there, could it?

My answer had crashed down on me when I had visited Samantha about a month after I had called things off with him.

"Griffin!" I screamed, banging at his dorm room. "GRIFFIN!"

"Jesus, woman! I'm coming!" He huffed, yanking the door open. His hair was wet and he had a towel around his waist, meaning he had just come out of the shower. Behind me, I heard a thud. I turned around in amusement to see a flustered girl rushing to pick up her books.

I laughed, my mood lightening.

"Let's take this inside." I pushed him in and shut the door behind us. "Where is Liam?" I asked, taking in the empty room.

"He went to the Library to work on his paper," he answered with a scowl.

"What is it?" I asked, grinning.

"You know what." He scowled deeper, grabbing his clothes and disappearing into the bathroom.

I plopped down on his bed, playing innocent. "I don't."

"You need to stop doing this to me, Liv," he said.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, you don't?" He challenged, coming out.

"That was quick," I said appreciatively.

He ignored my attempt to change the topic. "It's a six-hour drive, Olive."

"I'm aware. That's why we need to start as soon as possible!" I replied, undeterred.

He groaned, sitting down beside me. "We will have to drive back too."

"I know. I can drive us back." I shrugged.

"Livvy!" He whined. I stiffened a little automatically but quickly forced myself to relax.

Gets easier every time.

"Do you want to see Samantha or not?" I demanded.

"Of course I do," he said immediately.

"Then it's settled," I declared, grabbing his hand and hauling him out.

* * * * *

"Liv!!" My best friend squealed, jumping onto me. I fell back on my butt with her on top of me, both of us a laughing mess.

"How are we even friends?" Griffin muttered, looking at us. Though his face portrayed disapproval, his eyes told another story.

"Aww, did you think we forgot about you?" Sam asked patronizingly. "Because we did not."

I saw the realization settle in as his eyes widened, but it was too late. We both pulled at his legs and he came down with a grunt. Sam and I high-fived, wearing identical grins.

"I did not sign up for this," he complained, dusting his hands. "In case you guys missed it, we're twenty."

"Oh, we did not."

We embraced him forcefully together against the wheel of the SUV. He groaned but hugged us back nonetheless. He tried to keep looking irritated but he failed spectacularly. A small tug of his lips and the light in his eyes betrayed him.

We got up on our feet after that, ignoring the mixture of irritated and amused looks we received. Apparently, nobody thought that a reuniting trio of over-excited adults on the floor was cute.

Noted.

"How was th-"

"Livvy?"

My heart stopped and my breathing all but ceased. I froze for a long moment.

"Kaison," I breathed out, leaning back against the car. My body automatically turned in the direction of his voice. Despite everything, my eyes raked his form hungrily. I had missed him so much. Like always, he looked fine. His brown hair was damp and tousled. He was wearing his uniform. He looked like he had just returned from practice.

Why does he still have the ability to reduce me back to my seventeen-year-old self?

Carter could never. Hell, no one I've known could ever.

The silence stretched and the air around us thickened. My brain slowly numbed and I was reminded that I had a beating and feeling heart in my chest. My brain chose that moment to restart. I found myself closing my eyes and the next moment, unbidden memories assaulted the back of my lids.

Lights, music, drinks---

"Let's go to my apartment," Sam said before I could drown in them. I opened my eyes and they found him like magnets again.

I saw him jump a little as if he too was lost in his own world. That made me want to smile.

"Can we talk?" He asked me as if Samantha hasn't spoken at all. His eyes wouldn't leave me either. The intensity of his gaze befuddled my brain, and I looked away reluctantly.

Griffin scowled. "Go away, Jennings."

"I just need a minute," Kaison persisted. "Livvy, please?"

I brought my eyes back to him at the plea. He looked earnest. His request seemed genuine. I had known him to be a great guy for all those years and I could see a reflection of that guy in those eyes that day. Vulnerable and open. Letting me in, letting me see.

Maybe we should-

"Kaison!" I heard an exclaim and a skinny blonde came into view. A very familiar blonde.

My blood chilled.

Maybe not.

I closed my eyes to keep my brain from getting fuzzier than it already was. This is what I got for even thinking of letting it go.

"I think it's best if we don't."

"Oh, hey Amelia. Griffin," she greeted, adopting a sultry tone towards the end. "Didn't see you there."

I looked at Kaison in raw disgust and repressed anger. This is what he had chosen to jeopardize what we had? This wench? I was mortified anew.

"It's Olivia, Chelsea," Sam sneered. Griffin stepped closer and put an arm around my shoulder. I didn't look at Kaison to see his reaction.

"Whatever." Chelsea rolled her eyes at Sam, turning her attention back to Griff. "You look good."

"Wish I could say the same about you." He smiled sarcastically. The reply was childish, and so was the delivery, but the rejection did its job on her lower-than-ground self-esteem. Her eyes widened a fraction before she schooled her expression. Nothing could hide the embarrassed flush in her cheeks though.

"We'll get going now," Sam said smugly, pulling me with her. Griffin followed while the duo we left behind just watched wordlessly.

Ten minutes later, we found ourselves in her spacious aboard. I took that time to recollect myself and get a friendly and exciting conversation going. Her apartment was nice. I knew her parents were wealthy, but I was still taken aback by her temporary refuge. It had not looked that big on facetime.

"Can I get you guys something to drink? Tea, coffee, snacks?" She asked us.

"I want coffee." Griffin groaned, collapsing on the couch. He was tired from driving all the way. I had fallen asleep and he was kind enough to not wake me. Or maybe he had tried to and failed. I did sleep like the dead.

Sam and I giggled, leaving him there and trotting to her kitchen. It matched the vibe of the apartment with zeal.

It was the third time we were seeing each other in almost two years. The first time was during our first Christmas break. Then once in the summer and then Christmas again. We'd barely had any time to catch up back then because of the festivities. Our family had insisted on hogging us. Facetimes, chats, and calling each other was nice, but it wasn't enough. I had missed her.

We talked non-stop while we made Griffin some Cappuccino - his favorite. By the time we made it out, he was sleeping soundly on the couch. We quietened.

"I really wore him out," I said guiltily.

"He'll be fine," Sam comforted.

"He wasn't very happy about having to drive today," I fessed, tracing the rim of the cup. "I all but forced him."

Griffin made an irritated noise in the back of his throat sleepily, most likely peeved by our chatter interrupting his beauty rest. That prompted a chuckle out of me. I walked up to him and put the coffee on the table. I unfolded the blanket draped over the back of the couch and threw it over my guardian angel. He snuggled in like a child, falling visibly deeper into his slumber with a soft sigh. Sam watched us with a smile.

"Let's talk in my bedroom," she proposed quietly. I nodded wordlessly, picked up the coffee, and followed her.

The moment our asses touched her bed, she began her interrogation.

"Now, tell me what's going on."

"Nothing." I shrugged faintly, tracing patterns on her bedspread. I placed the cup on her bedside table and leaned back against the headboard. "The same old."

"Okay . . . " she trailed off with a frown. "How are things with Carter?"

"Who?" I asked in confusion. Flaunting brown hair and mischievous brown eyes flashed before mine. "Ohh," I remembered. "We broke up."

"You what?" She questioned, obviously surprised.

"We broke up," I repeated, sipping the coffee. Griffin was passed out, he wouldn't need it anytime soon.

"I know, I heard that." She scowled. "Why and when is the question."

"Like a month or so ago. It wasn't working out."

"Why?" She reiterated her question.

"There was no love or affection. It was just lust. We established that it was a mutual feeling and broke things off."

Loosely speaking.

"You . . . wow, okay." Her scowl deepened. "Why am I just finding out about this?"

"It wasn't that important," I replied evasively.

"Liv," she deadpanned, "You guys dated for like seven months."

"Umm, your point being?" I ask, barely holding back a wince.

"Olivia!" She scolded. I gulped.

Okay. So, maybe I hadn't thought this one through. Maybe I should not have jumped at the first chance to see my interrogative best friend.

"I don't know, okay? It just didn't feel right," I answered. "We broke it off. Big deal."

"It is!" She exclaimed. "You were in a relationship for seven months!"

"That's not too long," I said nonchalantly.

"It is! It bloody is!" She told me indignantly.

"Well, it's not for me!" I made a face, becoming defensive. "I've been in a relationship for much longer."

My voice cracked.

Fuck.

Her face immediately became guilt-ridden.

"I'm sorry, Liv. Ho-" she began softly.

"Let's go wake up Griffin," I said, blinking rapidly.

"Liv, don't," she pleaded. "Talk to me."

"I don't want to talk about this," I told her, not meeting her eye.

"You told me you were fine," she accused. "You told me you were over it. What happened an hour ago proves that you aren't."

"I am," I lied.

"Bullshit. Just because I didn't see you for a year or two doesn't mean I can't read you anymore. You can lie on the phone, but not to my face."

"There's nothing to read," I said in a heavy voice. The dull ache in my heart was ever-present.

"You look haunted right now," she said, scooting closer.

"I didn't sleep well last night. I was too excited to see you."

"Will you look at that? Your lies have become so easy and natural these days."

"Samantha, can we please drop this?" I begged desperately.

"You have to accept it and then move on." She shook her head. "There's no easy way around it. I let you evade it for two years. It's my fault."

"It's not."

"It is. As your best friend, I should've forced this on you long ago."

"I'm fine," I protested feebly.

"How long do you plan to keep on lying?" She asked, pulling open the tears in my facade till they bled.

"Till I believe it myself," I whispered, a tear finally escaping my eyes.

Memories I always kept locked away flooded my brain. The music, the lights, the drinks. The whole scene flitted across my vision. Then the picture of Chelsea with her hands around Kai's arm earlier today came up. The ache in my heart sharpened and I choked on a sob yet again.

"Oh, honey." Sam wrapped me in a hug. "It will be okay. It will be okay."

"I know," I said brokenly.

"Talk to me," she demanded.

"I don't know what to talk about." I wiped my cheeks, controlling my breathing. I had gotten better at it over the past two years. I had had a lot of practice.

"Do you still have feelings for Kaison?" She asked bluntly.

I chewed on my lip, thinking. Did I? I didn't think so.

"I don't think so," I said out loud.

"So you do," she concluded.

"I didn't say that!" I protested.

"But there's a possibility." She raised an eyebrow.

"Maybe," I hedged reluctantly. "I really don't know. I want to hate him, but I can't. I should hate him, but I don't. I see him and my first instinct is to go up and kiss him. Then I remember what he did and I feel guilty and ashamed. It's fucking with my head."

"Did you want to talk to him?" She cringed. "I'm sorry, Griffin and I-"

"No," I interrupted her. "I don't think I want to. The last time we did, he made it clear he cheated without a reason. I have no interest in being manipulated."

She sighed. "Oh, okay."

"I think I need to move on. It's time."

"We can work with that." She nodded encouragingly.

"Really?" I asked skeptically. I took another sip of the coffee.

"Yeah," she said.

"How?" I queried.

"Get you a boyfriend?" She suggested.

"God, no." I shook my head. "I think I'm done for this life."

"How about a blind date?"

"I don't think so." She gave me a reprimanding look that screamed 'you're no help at all' and I hastened to clarify, "Can't I be a proud single woman without a man, Sam?"

She blinked as if she hadn't considered that.

"Of course, you can," she said after a moment.

"Then I think I will be that." I sighed. I had a moment of clarity and in that, I had an epiphany. "I let Kaison become my happiness. That's why when I lost him, I lost my joy too. I need to be my own source of happiness before I find someone else. Carter and I could have worked out, but I think I wasn't ready. I think I need to grow, be my own person, be independent. I need to own my joy myself before I go looking for a person who would supplement it."

Sam looked at me as if I were an alien.

"I knew you were wise, but that was on another level, Liv," she finally said.

"I have my moments." I chuckled. My throaty was still tight from the little crying I did. I tried to clear it.

"That . . . was too deep. What have you done to Olivia, you imposter?!" Samantha exclaimed in mock horror, threatening me with a pillow to lighten the mood.

That managed to elicit another throaty laugh from me.

"This is Olivia 2.0," I jested, arming myself with a pillow as well as I played along. "Prepare to be amazed."

I definitely didn't change much after that. The enthusiasm, or the little rush of adrenaline that the conversation had bought faded quickly. I was back to an unfeeling, unseeing, and unspeaking monster in a blink of an eye. Simply put, project Olivia 2.0 was easier said than done.

What had struck me the most was how easily I had forgotten Carter in just a month. How it had taken me so long to remember him. It had genuinely scared me. It was a wake-up call: I was much worse than I had realized.

I also knew that I was painfully numb inside and that numbness was something that a part of me treasured as a souvenir of my first love. It was sick in a way, I often thought.

Another part of me screamed at me, angry and beyond appalled that I was being so hauntingly miserable. It was livid, watching me lose myself in a manner that could only be defined as willing. I cowered away from it. It just used to make me aware of the ache in my heart that I never had bothered to address, let alone heal.

Perhaps it was right.

Maybe I was just a coward.

* * * * * * * * * *

A/N: What do you think?

QOTD: What did you want to grow up to be when you were a kid?

Take care! Until next time ;)

All my love,
Vaish.