I hate being irritable. It brings out my bitchy side and let me tell you something, I can be a really horrible, vicious bitch when I want to be. I absolutely hate it, though. I abhor that side of me but right now, it's taking over my life and I can't stop it. I've been like this for almost two weeks and it's alienating almost everyone around me. 

Sam and Sophie both called me out on it, Martha is avoiding me as much as she can because my level of sarcasm has surpassed hers, and Nate has banned me from the shop because I've been horrible to almost everyone. The only two people who have put up with me are Arnaud, although he's French and has a laissez-faire attitude about everything, and Isaac, who has taken the brunt of my bitchiness. However, I get the feeling that even he's running out of patience with me. 

"What about this one?" Isaac asks as we make our way around the shop. He holds up a bedding set that has elephants on it and while it's cute, I shake my head and turn my nose up at it. I hear Isaac sigh in frustration but he doesn't confront me about my attitude. Instead, he picks up the next bedding set, this time it's jungle themed, and waves it towards me. "This one?"

"No," I state, not even bothering to look at it with much interest. 

We're supposed to be shopping for things for the nursery and for the baby in general, but I can't bring myself to enjoy the experience. My head is still caught up in the whole Alyssa thing and even though I want to move past it, the threat of Isaac's ex-girlfriend looms over me. I haven't seen her since she arrived but I know she's here, lurking, getting ready to pounce on my family. Fucking bitch. 

See! This is why I'm going crazy in my mind. The burn of tears filling my eyes becomes too much and soon enough, a tear falls down my cheek. I try to wipe it away before Isaac notices but I'm not quick enough because once the droplet hits my skin, he's at my side in an instant, hand rubbing my back in circular motions while he tells me that everything is ok. 

"It's not ok, though, is it?" I manage to say despite the hiccups. I move to a remote corner of the shop, lean against the wall and slowly slide down until I'm sat on the floor, sitting with my legs crossed under me. It's uncomfortable but not as uncomfortable as having people watch me as I have a breakdown. I hear Isaac drop down onto the floor next to me, his hand taking mine in his. "I've never been to Disneyland before but you have. I hate that you've been before."

Isaac chuckles. "This doesn't have anything to do with Disneyland, really, does it?" He asks. I shake my head. "Thought not. Want to tell me what version of Disney you're talking about?"

"You've been through all this before," I say, motioning my hand wildly in the space in front of us. At my side, I see a teddy bear and pick it up from the shelf, hugging it tightly to my chest in a comforting fashion. "You're already a dad so you've been there, done that, got the teenage daughter to prove it. All this is new to me and I want to enjoy it but I can't because I feel like I'm the only one that's excited about it."

"Ok, I think I get it. Disneyland is the baby?" He asks for clarification. When I nod, his grip on my hand gets tighter. He shuffles closer, wraps his free hand around my cheek and angles my face towards him. I feel his warm kiss on my forehead before he pulls away and lifts my chin upwards. His blue eyes find mine instantaneously and I can't help but notice how perfect and warm and sincere they are. "Lottie, I've never been to Disneyland before. I never got to do any of this last time. I've never had to print off a What to Buy Your Baby Guide before. I've never traipsed around a shop like this, trying to work out if having yellow bedding with elephants will work in the nursery or if green jungle themed bedding is better. I've never experienced watching my baby being born and getting to be the first to hold them. I've never had a woman want to crush my hand because labour pains are that intense. Ok, I've had women scream abuse at me, calling me a wanker, but I think with you, it'll come from a place of love, rather than loathing. Charlotte Louise Delaney, I've never been to Disneyland but I want to go there with you if you'd let me."

My insides melt as I absorb his words, believing them with all my heart. Now that I think about it, he never really has experienced all those things he mentioned- he was cruelly robbed of those the last time around and if I carried on the way I was going, I would push him too far away for him to experience that this time around. I didn't want that; I wanted him at my side through all of this because really, there was no one else I wanted to do this with. 

I nod weakly but find the strength to find Isaac's lips and kiss him. "Just to be clear, I've been to the real Disneyland," I explain, hoping to make light of the situation. "And Disney World."

"Mhm," Isaac mumbles seconds before his lips find mine. We kiss for what seems like a blissful eternity and as we move in synchronisation, I find that I've missed this intimacy with him. Since I started to pull away from him, we haven't been as loving as before and I've been lost without it. Now that we're almost back on track, my body burns from needing him. It's not so much wanting him anymore, it's a need. Like an addiction. "God, I've missed you so much, Lottie. You've driven me crazy and I never want us to go through that again, alright? But just so I'm clear, I've never been to any Disney. Unless being dragged to the Disney Store by Elias' daughter three Christmases ago counts."

We sit there laughing for a while until Isaac's phone rings and breaks us out of our little bubble. He looks at the message and shakes his head, telling me that the movers have finished unpacking my furniture at the new house. Even though we weren't due to move in for another few days, we got the keys early due to the financial transaction being completed quickly, and Sophie and my mother have been overseeing the move while Isaac and I shop for baby items. 

Isaac

 replies to my sister's message with something sarcastic that makes him chuckle to himself- honestly, those two are as bad as each other- and he helps me get up to my feet. It takes a few tries because our bay is roughly the size of a coconut while I'm the size of a blue whale, but eventually, I'm up and balanced. Isaac looks down at the teddy bear in my hand and frowns. 

"We're going to have to buy that now," he says, taking it from me, his face disgusted. "You've cried all over it and got snot in its hair."

"I did not!" I protest loudly, catching the attention of a woman who worked at the shop. She pasted on a fake smile and started making her way towards us but before she could ask me anything, I say, "We're just browsing," and she toddles off in the opposite direction. I look back at the sandy coloured teddy. "Well, if we're buying him then we may as well decorate the nursery in a similar theme. Bunnies it is. Out of interest, did you actually print off a What to Buy Your Baby Guide?"

Isaac nods and fishes around in the back pocket of his jeans, pulling out crumbled paper. "You bet I did. I'm not about to let an unborn baby get the better of me. Look, it has everything in here. Mum to Be, hospital checklist, baby clothes, out and about, sleep time, feeding time, bath and changing time, play time and home safety. I am all set. Now, let's start with a clean slate. Do we want a cot, a crib or a Moses basket?"

Although I'm excited about going to the house and checking out our new home, Isaac's excitement is infectious and we spend the next two hours walking about the large baby store, picking out items for the nursery. We decided on a cot because it could eventually double up as a My First Bed, according to the information leaflet. The furniture followed our neutral theme and we managed to agree on some Peter Rabbit themed bedding. Isaac chose a pram for Nugget because he said it needed to compliment him more than me. It came down to colour in the end and he chose the black stroller that had pink stitching. It was, he said, the Ferrari of strollers. He also grabbed a blue knitted blanket for when the baby got cold. 

The car seat was the biggest headache. Isaac argued with the sales assistant for at least thirty minutes, wanting to know what safety tests had been carried out and how reliable it was. Eventually, we picked the one that would clip into the pram we chose and that was the end of that. 

We successfully managed to tick off a lot of the items on the list in the guide Isaac had; he even had fun telling me which breast pump I should get and what size breast pads would be right for me. While we were in that aisle, another woman kept asking her husband why he wasn't being as supportive as that 'hunk' over there. 

"This baby is going to bankrupt me," Isaac said once we paid for everything. Despite me wanting to pay for half of what we bought, Isaac frowned at me and told the shop assistant that he would be paying for everything. I watched with mild amusement as Isaac tried to fit everything in the boot of my car but eventually, he conceded that a lot of stuff needed to go in the back seat, too. The bigger items of furniture were going to be delivered to the new address in three to five working days. "Right, now that's over, shall we go to the house? Sophie text to say that they've finished Marhta's place, too."

When we arrived at the house, I saw Sophie's car parked outside, claiming the space that was reserved for my car. Parking in the visitor's bay on the opposite side of the private road, I climbed out of the car and told Isaac to forget the shopping until later. I was just excited to see the house furnished. 

It was underwhelming once we were inside, though. Despite the furniture being mine, it didn't feel like a family home. There was something removed about it like I was walking into a show home. I puckered my lips as I roamed the house, ignoring Sophie's expectant face. Isaac followed behind, repeating some French phrases my mother was trying to teach him. He wasn't grasping it all that much though. 

"What do you think?" Sophie asked me. 

"Well-"

"It's great!" Isaac interrupted me, his enthusiasm fake for all to see. When Sophie levelled him with a glare, Isaac shrugged. "It is great. It's just not us." 

"Exactly what I was thinking," I smile at Isaac. "We need to get your furniture in here and then it'll be more homely. I think I understand why I spend so much time at your place, now. You did a great job, Soph, but I think you can do better once Isaac's things are here. Right, can we go see Martha's place now? I'm excited to see whether Sam's put up the painting for her."

I ignored Sophie's comments of 'What painting? He never told me anything about a painting. Oh, God, it better not ruin the aesthetic of the place!' We made our way to the rear entrance of Martha's mews house and I went directly to the bedroom that Martha had designated hers. As I expected, the painting was there. Yellow on a blue background. 

"What the fuck is that"? Isaac grumbled. He was unimpressed by what he saw. "Martha! Sam! Get your arses down here right fucking now!"

A moment later, I heard Martha enter the room. "Dad, what's up? Are you-" She paused and squealed. "What the fuck is that?"

"It's a house warming present," Sam told her. He was leaning against the door frame of the bedroom, a smirk toying his lips. "You don't like it?"

We all looked at the painting but it was my mother that spoke first. "C'est interessant," she commented. I don't think I needed to translate that for Isaac. "Une question, why is the banana shaped like a-"

"Penis?" Isaac finished the question for my mother. "Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking. Sam, why is there a phallic banana on the wall above my teenage daughter's bed?"

Sam laughed. "For size comparison. I thought it would be better than an elephant's trunk."

I have never seen Isaac move so fast, nor have I ever seen Sam move that fast. As my boyfriend chased my best friend, I heard the distinct voice of Isaac Fletcher shout, "I am going to kill you!"

"Well," my sister spoke, tilting her head as she looked at the painting. "I think with Dan, an elephant's trunk would have been better. That banana's far too small."

CLCD at the top is Charlotte's initials- Charlotte Louise Clément Delaney, just in case you all wondered. 

Hehe, what do you think about Sam's gift for Martha's room?

Also, how cute is Isaac with his little speeches? 

I finally picked a nursery theme that I hope is neutral and doesn't give away the gender, although I know you all have your theories. 

Welcome back, Sophie and her unpredictable mouth, too! I miss her terribly. I need to make her a Super Aunt so she can be around more in the last few months of this story. 

Today is my birthday- is it anyone else's too?

I'll see you all on Wednesday! Have a great start to your week!

Sarah, xx