Brie pov

I'm now standing in front of Dean's door to his home. All I have to say is getting here was quiet a tiresome, detective and draining journey. But was it worth it? A thousand times yes! Do I look like a mess? A thousand times yes! Do I care about my looks right now? A thousand times no. All I care about in this moment is Dean.

I stood at his front door just looking at it for a long time, the brown Oak door which he always wanted to paint blue but I told him no and he said when I'm not here he will. Well I wasn't here for two months and he did nothing to it and it made me smile. Should I just turn back and go home or crash in a hotel? Or should I stay here and mask my fears and talk to him? Would he even want to talk to me? Does he hate me? I hate me. I don't wanna leave but I also don't want to stay. What the hell do I want to do?
I took a deep breathe and walk to the back of the big two story home which was a nice tone orange color, I walked by his barbecue grill and open it and find his spare key there, he was always so creative with stuff like this. I got the key just in case he isn't home or just in case he don't want to let me in. I won't be able to deal with the hurt if slams the door in my face.
I walked back out front and open the door with the key. It was still day time out but the house was in darkness and things were thrown about and broken. Did I cause this? Please tell me no, did I hurt him so much? All I did was try to the break the chains between us but I couldn't, the more I try the more chains got ahold of me and I love it.
"Dean?" I whispered called out, watching my step, the living had no one neither did the kitchen, the bedrooms are upstairs but something is telling me go downstairs where he has his 'man cave'. I followed my instinct and went into the basement where I saw the back of Dean's head, did he even know I am in here or do he just not care? I took a deep breathe and step down the last stair, watching his big flat screen tv on the blue walls and speakers all over the room. I will admit watching movies here with him was the best.
"Dean" I finally gathered enough strength to call out his name, heart racing like a race car. No response, I know he isn't dead because he is sitting up and sort of stirring. I don't think he is sleeping either, he is just ignoring me. "DEAN" I louden my voice, he still didn't respond to me. I took my time walking to the front of him where he had his head held down, so I can't see his face. "Dean." I say sweetly not really knowing what is going on.
"Stop having these illusions Dean! She isn't here! You are hearing things." Dean grip on his hair looking like he will pull all of it out. I yanked his hands out of his hair. "I'm here for real, no illusion." Hoping he will believe that.
He looked up at me and what I saw broke my heart and tears immediately came from my eyes. He looked a mess, red puffy eyes like he has been crying for years, bags under his eyes, cheeks stained with old and fresh tears, his eyes dull, his happy cheery face now bored and becoming suck in. "See what you did to me?" He asked with a bitter smile, I didn't know what to say so I just look on. He stood up suddenly making me flinch back, he look at me and laugh "you don't know me, Brianna? Don't you? If you really did think I would lay a finger on you to hurt you." The humorless laugh he let out was worrying me so much "and here I was pining over a woman who don't know me! Who I thought know me better than anyone else in this world! Here I was messing up my house for someone who doesn't even know me! Here I was being a fool! Here I was hurting for two months for someone who don't know nor care for my feelings. Stupid, ain't I?" His words cut me so deep, no! Did I thought he would hit me? I don't know he is pretty unpredictable and in his state I don't know what he could do. "Dean, I do know you! I know more things about you that you don't even know about yourself!" Those humorless, bitter laughs he is doing is getting to me and pissing me off. "Really? If you know me so much Brianna why did you leave? If you know me as much as you claim you would know I'd be hurting like crazy! You would know, I would be destroying stuff! If you do know as much as you claim, I know you would know all those stuff. Did you do it for fun Brianna? Did you think it would be fun to have me a like fucking mess while you are off with your damn bearded woman of a husband! And you thought to make it even more fun 'let me not call him'? Huh? Well guess what? You had your fun and your plan worked, you really did hurt me." His steel words keeps cutting me up, it his like my heart is crying blood and my eyes is close to be crying blood too. Why would he say that? "Dean, you know that isn't true! You know how I felt about seeing Bryan's spirit slowly begin to die. You know I didn't mean to hurt you." His eyes became fill with fury and anger as he kicked his coffee table down. "Let us get this clear, NEVER EVER, EVER SAY HIS NAME IN MY HOUSE!!" His tone is beyond scary and I feel my knees shaking as my lungs tighten as I simply nod, gulping. "Yeah, Brie I know how you felt about that whole thing about killing him slowly. So you decide to spare his life and cut me up like a knife?! Huh? You didn't even care enough to tell me that you were leaving. You despised me so much you got injured on purpose just to get away from me! Don't even tell me it wasn't on purpose, I know it was! There was a point where I thought you had die! I thought you had Fricking die! You could have at least message me or write me a note or even tell Nicole and have her inform me, if you didn't want to speak to me! You didn't have to tell me where you were going! But you could have told me you were going." He start to walk away from me and I had to use my strength to run up to him an yank him by his arm so he could face me again. "I was scared Jon! I'm still scared! I thought what I was doing was for the best. And yeah, maybe I was being selfish but it was the only way it could hurt less. If we are being honest, I knew it would have hurt you, but I didn't it know it would have hurt so much. I was hoping to go away with Br- him and maybe rekindle our love and break it off with you completely. I thought it was best for everyone. I thought if I broke it off with you it would hurt you less since I'm married to him and all. But I was so fucking wrong, I thought I could stay away from you forever but I can't, I need you, you are my happy pill. Dean, every person I saw with your hair or eyes I thought it was you and I smiled, but they were never you. It got so bad I start to see your face on everyone. Hell, everything made me think of you! The way the trees swaying in the breeze, I thought of your hair blowing in the wind! Music, I remember you dancing. Even a the bin! No disrespect, I just remember the time where I had I to use all my strength to stop you from going back in the bin for that ugly sweater of yours you liked so much." I smiled at the thought as he looked away, I sniffle and went back speaking "I'm not strong like you, I could try and try but God knows I'm not strong enough to stay away from you. If you want me to get on my knees and beg for your forgiveness, I will. If you want me clean the house until it is spotless for your forgiveness, I will." In his presence my heart knows no shame.
"Why are you here?" His voice is weak and soft and you tell he is losing his voice, his eyes cried so much tears it can't even produce anymore. "For you." I cried to him as I speak, my vision is so blurry right now but I couldn't care less. I saw his eyes light up, through my horrible vision "so you are going to divorce him to be with me?" That was the first time since I came here his voice held a somewhat happy tone. I perked my head up to look at him "no, this week will decide whom I want to be with. I don't know yet" please don't hate me for this, I told him the truth and his mood change right back to angry when I said what I did. "So what? You came back just to try me like some item you can't decide if you want or not? I'm sorry I'm not clothing! So to make this easier for you. I don't want to be with you, go back to him, no need to waste your time on me. I want to be with someone whom I know loves me and I'm number one in their heart. Not some confuse person. Your heart knows what it want Brie and it is time for you to figure it out. Go back to him. You can stay here tonight, I won't, it has to much bad memories in it right now." With that he left and I let him, I couldn't find strength to say anything to him because I know he was right. I am a confuse person and he deserves to be somebody's number one choice. I want him to be happy, but I also need him. "Brie?" He was on the top of the stair case back facing me as I look up to him. "Yeah?" I don't know if he heard me or not but that whisper is the loudest my voice could go. "You should stay away from me." He told me and if possible I broke down more and fell onto the ground on my knees. "My heart will over rule my mind Jon, I'm just not strong enough to to stay away." It is the truth, my brain will get overruled, that is why I always win the things I love. "Which one of us has your brain and which has your heart? Because it seems like you can't stay away from neither." With that he left and I lay on the ground in a ball, curled up crying. In this time I've lost all sense of pride.
I'm an insect and he is the light, I'm so drawn to him. I can't ran away from him because it seems like the end of all roads leads to him and I don't mind because either way I would have run back to him. He literally brings my heart to its knee.
I heard his van drove off an it killed me, I feel like he just left me here for dead. I'm so confuse, so hard to chose and I'm not strong enough to stay away from him either.

Dean pov

I drive my van along the road not having a clue where to go since I didn't even walk with money and I can't bear to go back home in my house. Of course I'll let her stay there, she had no vehicle, she was to broken to even stand up anymore. Yeah, I knew she fell to her knees in tears and it breaks my heart but I can't keep only being there when she is bored or her an Bryan isn't on good terms. I could barely see the road so I pulled over and park on the side of the street. I hit the stirring wheel letting out my frustration on that before I wrap my arms around it and hide my face, crying. Who knew I'll be one to cry so much over someone? I didn't. This must be love. I know I'm in love with her but she is still confuse. I was being truthful when I said I need to be with someone who is certain, they love me. Even if I meet someone who is head over heels for me I'll never love them the way I love her. She is my true love, forever in mind, only her.
I'm surprised I haven't run out of tears yet, I did back home but now they are coming back full blast. I could barely breathe from all this crying. The image of Brianna just laying there on my floor crying breaks me because I know she is. I want her to be completely happy even if that means it is with him. Once she is happy I can live through the pain. Was having the pleasure to be with her worth all this pain? Yes, it so was. I just can't keep on playing second field or reserve.
I got what she was saying when she said she isn't strong enough to stay away, I'm the same thing. I'm not even strong enough to keep her out of my mind, not even alcohol can because at the end of it all my heart overrule my mind.

He will never love her like I can.