I see y'all on my thiscrush talkin bout how I have so many pregnancies Well you can't get away from my babies so here's a new one with that originality bitch

~~

Ever since I was a kid I knew I wanted to be a dad. I wanted a little baby to love and care for and raise. But as I began to near my thirties I worried because I had never found a partner. The longest partner I've ever had was for five months, something always seems to come up to make us break up. And so I thought skip the partner thing, just get a baby.

But it turns out adoption agencies aren't so fond of single dads adopting. It didn't matter that I had a stable job and a cozy house, they preferred married couples. My heart had shattered into a million pieces when I wasn't given an adoption approval. When I was online I would see all my friends starting families, even my younger brother had a baby for crying out loud, I wanted a kid too.

"Will you marry me, Frank?" I asked.

Frank snorted, taking a drink of his beer before respawning in the game of Call of Duty.

"I'm serious," I said. "Will you actually marry me?"

"And why the fuck would I marry you?" He asked.

"Because you're a bachelor and I want a baby," I said.

"Just fuck a chick," he said.

"What woman is crazy enough to agree to have a baby for me and just give them to me?" I asked.

"Why would I be crazy enough to marry you?" He asked. "And what does us marrying have to do with a baby?"

"They won't let me adopt because I'm not married," I said. "We only have to stay married long enough until the adoption is finalized."

"So you want me to marry you just so you can adopt a baby?" He asked and I nodded. "Oh wow, you really are crazy, aren't you?"

"I'm not," I denied. "I just love kids, you know that. Come on, Frank, we've been best friends since we were babies. What's the big deal about getting married?"

"You have to lie to the courts," Frank said, turning off his game. "I would have to move in with you, we would have to hold hands and kiss and shit. Isn't it technically illegal?"

"What's illegal?" I asked. "We're just gonna get married and then we're gonna adopt a baby and then get a divorce."

"Shit like that is expensive," he said.

"Uncontested divorces are cheaper, only court fees," I said.

"I don't know what the fuck uncontested means," he said.

"An amicable divorce, we both want divorces," I said.

"You've been doing research on this already, haven't you?" Frank asked and I nodded. "Gerard, I'm not marrying you."

"Come on, Frank, you're my best friend, you have to marry me," I said. "It's in the brother code."

"Bro code? Seriously?" He asked. "That's for bros before hoes and ex girlfriends are off limits, not about us getting fucking married."

"Remember that time when I went out on the double date with you while you were out with a hot guy and I went with his friend who ordered chili cheese fries and managed to get cheese on his glasses and then proceeded to lick it off his glasses?" I asked.

Frank shuddered at the thought. "I'm really sorry about that, dude. That guy really was a creep. But that doesn't mean that I am going to marry you because of it. I'll buy you a pizza."

"Come on, wouldn't you rather live at my place?" I asked. "You have a pretty shit apartment."

"It's not that bad," he denied.

"Seriously, Frank, does your shower even work?" I asked.

"My landlord is working on it," he said.

"Where have you been showering?" I asked.

"Sink shower," Frank said with a shrug and I looked at him in confusion. "You know, just wash my hair, under the pits and under the balls."

"You're disgusting," I said.

"You're the one who wants to marry me," he stated.

"Not like that, just to get a baby," I said.

"It can't be that hard to get a kid, girls get accidentally knocked up all the time," he said.

"Getting a baby as a guy is a little bit harder," I said. "Not like I could go to the bar and just sleep with some random guy and get pregnant and get my baby."

"I can't marry you, Gerard" he denied.

"What do I have to do to get you to marry me?" I asked.

"Gerard, you're ridiculous," he said. "Are you drunk or something?"

"No," I denied. "Just listen, it will be fine, okay? We'll just get married and I can get my baby and then we can get a divorce."

"It won't be as easy as you're making it sound," he said. "It's lots of paperwork and adoption is expensive--"

"I'm paying all that, you don't have to do anything besides being legally married to me," I said.

"Gay couples can't even adopt children, it's illegal," he said.

"They can in New Jersey," I said. "There are non-discrimination policies in New Jersey."

"Gerard, come on, you cannot be serious," he said. "Just try again--"

"I have," I interrupted. "I have tried to do that, I have written letters, I have glowing recommendations. They don't like to adopt out to single parents."

I looked down, my eyes watering.

"Gerard, come on, it's gonna be okay," he said. "It'll be fine. You'll meet someone that you'll fall in love with and be able to marry for real, and you're gonna have a child with her or adopt one with him."

"I-I don't want to wait any longer," I whimpered. "You know I've always wanted a child and I'm turning thirty soon, I don't want to wait, I want to be able to have a baby. I want to raise them and teach them to walk and talk and I want to hear their first words and listen to their little laughs."

"And you will get that soon but in the meantime you can babysit you're beautiful little newborn niece," he said.

"I want my own baby, not a niece," I said.

I sniffled quietly, my eyes watering.

"Gerard, it's okay," he said. "Come on, I'll order you a pizza."

"With extra cheese and pepperoni," I said.

"Are you serious?" He asked. "You're gonna make me buy two pizzas?"

"You won't marry me," I said.

Frank sighed, grabbing his phone before walking to the other room. I turned on the tv, pouting unhappily. There was some commercial about a happy family and I quickly changed the channel. Frank came back with a small smile, sitting beside me.

"Come on, Gerard, it's gonna be fine," he said. "You'll get a baby sooner than you might think."

"You know I don't do well when it comes to relationships," I said. "How am I supposed to get a baby without a relationship? I'm shit at them."

"People just aren't used to you," he said. "You're weird, people just need to get used to your weirdness."

"But they don't and my relationships always end," I said. "I just want a child. Remember when I used to always make you play with baby dolls with me even though you hated it?"

Frank snorted. "Yeah, I remember. And I know you've always wanted to be a dad but I can't just marry you. There's so many appointments and meetings and checks."

"We'll pass, we know everything about each other so it's not like they wouldn't believe we're in love," I said. "And I have a stable job which is good and you're unemployed so it'll be seen as good because you can stay home with the baby."

"I'm not unemployed," Frank denied. "I make music."

"If you can call it that," I teased.

Frank scowled and hit me in the head with a pillow.

"I'm serious, it would be perfect, you know I love you," I said.

"Yeah, platonically," He said. "We can't pretend to be in love romantically."

"We just have to hold hands and occasionally kiss each other on the cheek or something," I said.

"And get legally bound to each other," he said.

"We're each other's emergency contacts  anyways, what's the big deal to just be legally bound? We're already pretty much bound," I said.

"You're crazy," he said.

"I'm not," I denied. "I'm serious, Frank, we could do this and I could be happy."

"What about my happiness?" He asked.

"You'll be happy for helping out your bestest friend in the whole wide world," I said.

Frank looked at me and rolled his eyes.

"You're so fucking ridiculous," he said but he laughed softly.

"What about you, Mr. Living Alone Until I Die?" I asked.

"I just don't feel the need to date anyone," he said. "What of it?"

"Maybe you'd actually really like to have a baby and you can start settling down for yourself," I said.

"I don't want to settle down," he said. "You know families have never really been my thing. Settling down isn't my thing."

"Don't know until you try it," I said with a shrug.

"You say that about ice cream flavors, not whether or not to have a child," he stated. "Gerard, you really need to think this shit over because this is serious, a baby is serious."

"You know I've always wanted a baby," I said. "I've thought about this for years already."

"Yeah, I know you have and I know that you really want a baby and you'll get that opportunity, you just have to wait a bit,' he said.

"I am almost thirty, my clock is running out," I said.

"You're thirty, not fifty," he said.

"Okay but even if I were to meet someone within the next few years we'd date for a few years and then get married and wait another year or two before even trying for kids," I said. "And by then I could be forty and after forty the sperm quality begins to decline and it'll be less likely for me to be able to conceive."

"Jesus Christ, you've really thought about this?" Frank muttered and I nodded. "Fine then, Gerard, I guess I'll marry you."