jealous

CERVIUS HAVOC'S POV

It's early morning and everyone is already up. When I say that the whole place screams cold, I'm not kidding. I'm even wearing a coat just to ease the cold.

"Coffee?" Amasha said, her hair now fixed and mukhang bagong ligo lang. I looked at her with questions in my head.

Anong klaseng lakas ng loob ang sumapi sa kaniya para maligo ng ganito kaaga? At ganito ka lamig?

"You showered, Amasha?" Ang nahihiwagaan kong tanong sa kaniya.

Look, as a medical derictor, I know that there's nothing wrong with it, but it's just too cold! I am clouded with personal biases. Still, I can't deny myself with personal hygiene kaya maliligo ako maya-maya na kapag lumabas na ang araw.

"Kasama ko si Atasha at Valerie na naligo sa poso kanina. We did not bother waking you up, sabi kasi ni kuya Hakob na huwag ka munang gisingin." Kinuha ko ang kape na binigay niya.

"Puro at natural 'yan, gawa ng mga magsasaka." Ang dagdag niya.

I look at the cup of coffee I'm having. Just the smell of it, I can tell that it was handmade brewed from cocoa beans. I know because I'm immersed in this field since BFTC produces brewed coffee all around the world.

I took a sip and closed my eyes. Humihinga ako gamit ang bibig ko at umuusok na ito dahil sa lamig.

"What about my baby? Anong gusto mong gawin? I'm sure you want something?" I smiled at the bittersweet memory in my head.

I opened my eyes and looked directly at nothing in particular, "I want you to be proud even if I did choose a different path... away from the pressure of the family." I whispered those words.

I wish I could tell them that. Kapag sinabi ko ang mga salitang 'yan, paniguradong maiintindihan ako ng mom at dad. Pero ako ang may problema. I kept my pride, and I raised my head proud. I become the black sheep of the golden image of our family. I shouted that I was not. I am a good boy. I was confused and pressured, but it comes off naturally for people to assume that I bring nothing but a tinted image.

Hindi ba pwedeng ibang kulay ang ma-associate sa akin? Kahit hindi na black tint? Hindi naman ako masama eh. Oo, nagsisigaw ako pero 'di naman totoo na sinasaktan ko ang mga taong nakapaligid sa akin.

Mahal ko ang Maraya gaya ng pagmamahal ng pamilya ko dito. Bakit ba kasi hindi nila makita ito?

Kung tutuusin, ngayon na nakabalik ako sa Maraya, ngayon lang naman nila napansin na may nagbago sa akin. Ano ba ang pagbabagong 'yon? Bakit 'di ko na lang binago ang sarili noon pa para magustuhan din ako ng mga tao gaya ng pagka-wili nila kay kuya.

Pero ano ba ang babaguhin ko kung ganito na talaga ako? Iba ako eh. Magkaiba kami ni Kuya sa isa't-isa.

"Dad, I went to see Mang Kaloy and helped him with the crops. It was a good thing since I got to experience the labor hand-in-hand." Naka-upo kami sa hapagkainan habang nag-uusap sila. I was listening. I don't just hear, but I listen.

"That's good, hun. Pupunta rin ako maya-maya kay Mang Kaloy para kumustahin ang mga pananim sa hilagang bahagi. Why don't you come with me?" I heard dad.

Dad's attention was on my brother. They talked like they understood each other. Looking at them, I can see Dad on my brother. They are a fragment of each other.

I smiled the forming lump in my throat. I want them to be proud as well. Kaya pagkatapos kong kumain ay pumunta ako sa sinabi ni kuya kanina. Ni-hindi ko alam kung nasaan ang bahay ni Mang Kaloy pero alam ko naman ang daan basta may magturo lang sa akin.

"Senyorito Hakob," I watch as the group of women in farming clothes walk past me but greet me.

Tiningnan ko lang sila, not smiling, but I do appreciate their greeting. I just don't show it. Nakasunod lang si Mang Baste sa akin habang maarte akong naglalakad sa daan.

"Tell me, nasaan ang bahay ni Mang Kaloy." The ten-year-old me demanded Mang Baste.

Tiningnan ako ni Baste na para bang alam na alam na kung gaano kabastos ang bungaga ko. I'm not bastos. I just speak what's on my mind.

"Gusto mong pumunta doon para malaman rin kung papaano magtanim ano? Hindi mo 'yon kailangan gawin para mapansin ka ng Dad mo. Mahal ka nun, sobra pa sa sobra kaya ayaw ka nung naiinitan man lang." Baste said. I looked at him wearily.

"Of course he loves me. Gusto ko lang talaga makilala si Mang Kaloy, yun lang." Ang sabi ko at napayuko.

Tiningnan ko ang kasambahay na katabi ko, bitbit niya ang payong at sinusundan ang lakad ko para hindi ako mainitan. Looking behind her, I saw the five women who are with me, ready to assist and give me the comfort I need.

"Hindi ka para sa bukid, senyorito." I pouted at Baste's words. Really? But I want to prove them wrong, that I can also do what the men in the family do. I know I can do it.

"I am a Buenavista, I can do anything if I want to. Shut up, Mang Baste. Just tell me the way or else I will not talk to you again." I may be lying when I said those last words. I know Baste doesn't believe me when I said that.

Si Mang Baste lang naman ang nagto-tolerate sa kaartehan ko kaya alam ko na hindi siya maniniwala sa akin. He knows me more than I know myself.

"Sabi mo 'yan ah, basta walang iiyak kapag napagod." Sabi niya at may ngiti sa labi na tinuro ang isang bahay na nasa kabilang bahagi ng ilog.

I looked at the farmers who were walking the bamboo-made tulay. Napalunok ako dahil parang dito pa lang ay iiyak na ako dahil 'di ko kaya.

"Sabihin mo lang kung gusto mo ng umuwi ha." Naiinis kong binalingan si Baste sa sinabi niya. Alam kong nag-aalala lang siya pero 'di ko mapigilan ang mainis sa sinabi niya.

"Shut up!" I shouted. Napatingin ang mga farmers sa direksiyon ko kaya aksidente ko silang nabalingan ng galit kong mukha.

I saw how they averted their gaze from me as if they feared me. I felt how my heart broke from it. I'm not bad naman eh. Promise, I am a good senyorito. Just don't be scared of me.

No matter how I convinced myself, they will never see past through my façade. In an angry mood, I glared at the maid who was holding the umbrella, "Can you please remove the umbrella away from me? I can handle the heat perfectly fine!"

Nag-alanganin pa siya kaya ako na ang naunang naglakad. Nakita kong pinigilan lang ni Mang Baste ang kasambahay na sundan ako. Isa-isa kong tinanggal ang sapatos ko at pinagtatapon ito sa kung saan.

I can do this! I know I can do it!

Humawak ako sa hawakan ng tulay at tiningnan ang ibaba. Malakas ang agos ng tubig ng ilog at nakikita ko na malinis ito pero nakakatakot ang lalim nito.

I stepped on the manmade bamboo bridge and smiled to myself when I finally walked halfway. I looked back to see Baste and the maids looking worriedly at me.

"See, I know I can do it." Ang hambog kong sabi sa kanila at binalik ang tingin sa inaapakan ko.

"Cervius! Anong ginagawa mo?" Nagulat ako ng makita si kuya na galit akong tinitingnan sa kabilang bahagi ng ilog. Kung nandito siya ay paniguradong nandito rin ang Dad.

Paniguraong malalagot ako kapag nakita niya akong naglalakad sa tulay. Dad will get angry at me!

"K-Kuya ko..." Ang sabi ko na naiiyak na dahil sa kaba.

"Ang tigas ng ulo mo. Malalagot ako kay Mom kapag nalaman niya na nandito ka! Worse is your walking on an unsafe bridge. Come here."

Mula sa kalayuan ay nakita ko si Dad na kausap ang medyo katandaang lalaki. Busy siya sa pakikipag-usap kaya hindi pa niya ako nakikita. Dahil sa takot at kaba ay binaling ko ang tingin kay Baste na nakalahad ang kamay sa akin habang si Kuya Hakob naman ay nagsisimula ng naglakad sa tulay.

Nalilito ako sa kung sino ang pupuntahan ko pero ang makitang mas malapit sa akin ang kamay ni Mang Baste ay sa kaniya ako lumapit.

Inapak ko ang paa sa tulay pero nagulat ako ng makaapak ako ng putik at madulas ito.

"Daddy!" I shouted when I felt myself swinging. Nadulas ako sa putik at nakita ko na lang ang sarili na nahuhulog at lumubog sa tubig ng ilog.

Naramdaman ko ang paglubog ng aking katawan at pagsayad ko sa ilalim. Malakas ang tubig. I tried to swim but I went tumbling with the water! I swam up and coughed the water that went inside my mouth and nose.

"Kuya!" I shouted. Dahil maliit lang ang aking katawan ay madali lang akong nadala pailalim sa tubig.

I was crying and my mouth was shut with water after water. I closed my eyes when my body hit the huge trunk of a tree log.

"Hoy, okay ka lang? Natulala ka na Cerv." I snapped out of the traumatic experience and looked at the woman beside me.

"I'm fine," Inirapan ko siya.

"Luh," Ang reaction niya kaya natatawa kong iniwanan siya at naglakad sa maputik na daan sa labas ng tinutuluyan namin.

Bitbit ko ang kape ng sumilong ako sa ilalim ng malaking puno. May duyan dito pero hindi ako naupo at medyo basa pa kasi.

Mula dito ay pinanood ko ang ibabang bahagi ng Luwal. Nakikita ko dito ang ilog na ngayon ay kulay tsokolate na ang tubig. Bumaha siguro.

"The river is connected to Luningning Falls. From the back of this mountain, makikita mo na ang pinapagawang templo ni Dad." Kinuha ni Kuya ang baso ng kape sa kamay ko.

"It must be hard for the people working on the temple right now. It rained heavily last night." Si Kuya ang namamahala sa pagtatayo ng templo pero may alam naman ako kung papaano sa mga ginagawa nilang hakbang.

I try to involve myself just so the people can see that I am also working. That I can contribute something aside from being the bad person that they think I am.

"You care for them, or you care for the man behind the construction team?" Kaagad na nabaling ang tingin ko kay Kuya na nakataas ang kilay sa akin.

"Of course not, kuya. Masiyado kang pakialamero ha. I am genuinely concern with those people." Nakabusangot ang mukhang kong tiningnan ang ilog. Ang tanawin na maganda pero nagbigay rin sa akin ng nakakatakot na karanasan noon.

"Mahirap paniwalaan na ang taong halos galit sa lahat ng tao dito ay tunay na nag-aalala sa iba. Otherwise, I would think that you really changed overnight. Tell me, what did that asshole made you become so kind?" Binitawan ko ang malalim na hininga at 'di pinansin ang mga sinabi niya.

Oo, alam kong naninibago si Kuya sa mga inaakto ko, but I am genuinely concern, that's it. Sadyang gusto lang niyang malaman kong anong nangayari sa akin at ni Eludes kaya ganiyan siya magsalita.

"Remember when I almost died because I got myself drowned in a river in Maraya, kuya? I shouted for your name that time. I shouted my brother's name. I wish I could still shout my worries to you just like those times. I don't want to get myself drowned just so you could help me move on. Dahil sa mga ginagawa mo ngayon, nahihirapan akong maka move-on sa lalaking 'yon." Hindi ko siya tiningnan pa pero naramdaman ko na nilapit niya ang katawan sa akin.

Iniharap niya ako at niyakap.

A lone tear escaped from my eye. Nakasubsob lang ang mukha ko habang pahikbing nakayakap sa katawan ng kapatid ko. My brother may be the reason of my insecurities but ironically, he keeps me secure. I guess that's a brother's core.

"I'm sorry. I'm genuinely worried and I don't want you to think that I am being an asshole just so I could snoop around. Trust me, I want to know everything just so I could have a good basis to kill that bastard who hurt our princess. But if it makes you uncomfortable then I will stop." Hinagod niya ang likuran ko at hinalikan ang tuktok ng buhok ko, "You can always shout my name when you need help. Tell me your worries and I will help you."

Tumango ako at bumitaw sa kaniya.

I went back inside the tent to prepare myself. I gather all the necessities tapos naligo na ako sa poso na tinuro nila ni Valerie sa akin. Kumain din kami sa handaan ng taga-Luwal para sa akin. Marami kami kaya maingay.

"Alam mo, maganda talaga ang Luwal pero sayang lang at wala masiyadog nakakapunta dito kasi ang hirap ng daanan nila. I will show Mom and Dad some of the photos I took from the hike, baka makumbinsi ko sila na mag donate ng tulay or daan man lang." Biglang sumulpot si Valerie sa tabi ko bitbit ang camera niya.

Sinamahan ko siya kanina na naglakad-lakad at kumuha siya ng mga larawan. She said she will upload the photos in her humanitarian organization page.

Speaking of Luwal, I reminded myself to talk this topic with Kuya. Siya ang mayor kaya alam kong may nakalaan na para dito, kung wala man, then I don't have any problem wasting my billions just so these people could live life easy here in Luwal.

I watch as women from Luwal, dressed in their traditional clothes are preparing food inside the hall. Everyone seems ecstatic with our presence today. Naglakad-lakad lang ako habang pinapanood silang gawin ang mga ginagawa nila. Hindi ko pa nakikita si kuya Hakob ever since I woke up kaya I approached one of the securities.

"Where is the mayor? I don't see him." I asked.

The security looked at me, "Kasama po ang matandang barangay captain, kanina ay nag-uusap sila sa kung anong pwedeng gawin, senyorito."

I walked away from them and went outside the barangay hall. The surroundings are damp due to the heavy rain from last night, and the pathways are muddy, but it never faltered how beautiful this place is. Maliban sa mga nagtataasang building ng BFTC, parehong-pareho lang ito sa Luningning.

-

Flashback...

Waking up in an unfamiliar bed made me remember that I was not in the Philippines right now. Tumayo ako sa pagkakahiga at ininom ang nakahandang baso ng tubig sa bedside table ko. I checked the time and it's still early for my meeting with the doctors and developers I am meeting in this country, Germany.

This is a big deal since it's a new technology that I am dreading to have. I always keep the expectations high for the development and progress of my privately owned hospitals. My business runs number one in the private category. Nang malaman ko na magtatayo ang Powers sa bansa ng pampublikong hospital ay medyo na-alarma ako, but the idea of it being public did not falter my stand.

Mine is for profit while the business tycoon Cevor Powers is known for helping the needy.

I opened the huge, curtained glass wall that overlooks the beautiful view of this unfamiliar country. Hawak-hawak ko ang phone at kinuhanan ito ng larawan. I posted it on my Instagram's story. Quickly, nakita ko ang pribadong account ni Eludes bilang unang nakakita sa story ko.

Ismid kong tinago ang ngiti dahil alam kong iniisip na naman nitong siya ang pinaparinggan sa caption ko na 'good morning, handsome', bahala na siya na mag assume.

I opened my Message inbox when the man I am thinking about suddenly sent me a photo. Kagat-labi kong pinigilan habang binabasa ang updates niya sa akin simula noong umalis ako papuntang airport. Eludes kept on updating me every hour, not unless he was sleeping.

This time it was a photo of his veiny hands working on the keyboard with papers on the sides.

"I'm in the office, wish I could see you and eat with you." Binasa ko ito. Inulit ko pa ito sa pagbasa at baka namali ako ng basa sa huling message niya.

Natampal ko ang noo ko dahil iba ang unang basa ko dito. God, I'm being delusional and sick in my head because of this man! Baka sa akin pa unang magamit ang machine na bibilhin ko dito sa Germany dahil sa lalaking ito!

"Havoc, can I call, baby? I missed you." Muli kong basa sa bagong message niya. Ang landi naman ng lalaking 'to! Di ko kinakaya!

I gulped hard. I discarded the thought of the man and went to look at the view in front of me. Focus, Havoc! We can't let that man turn a good view into a bad dream.

I was overlooking the view when my phone rang. What I thought was my alarm, but I was surprised when it showed a FaceTime call from Eludes. I hesitated but I answered it.

Sino ba ang niloloko ko? Of course, I want to see him and hear his voice as well. Kahit anong pigil ko sa sarili, I would always be reminded that my emotions are engage to this man. How stupidly wrong of me.

Kung maaga na dito sa Germany, paniguradong pa tanghali o tanghali na sa Pilipinas.

"Good morning my baby." I heard Eludes' dark and deep voice over the phone.

"Don't call me that. I'm not anyone's baby, aside from my family." Pinakita ko ang mukha ko sa camera kay nakita ko ang pagmumukha at postura ni Eludes.

The man is seated in his office table. Nakikita ko ang likuran niya na puro glass wall. He should be in his office right now. Based on the navy blue business suit he's wearing, confirmed my thoughts.

"I'll be a family if you marry me. Marry me so I could have the liberty to call you baby every day." Seryoso ang boses niya habang nakatingin sa camera.

I scoffed at tinaasan lang siya ng kilay, "You wish, mister Zapanta." I said. Nakita ko ang ngiti sa labi niya habang pinapanood lang ako.

Tiningnan ko siya at inirapan. This man is acting stupid in front of me. No, this man is shameless!

Naglakad ako sa kama at nilagay sa bedside table ang phone para makita niya ang ginagawa ko. I was undoing something from my bag when the doorbell rang.

"Wait for a second," Ang sabi ko at naglakad sa pintuan ng executive suite at pinagbuksan ang nag-doorbell. It was one of the hotel staffs with a huge white vase full of flowers!

Kaagad akong napaatras dahil allergic ako sa bulaklak. Dalawang tao pa ang nakahawak nito kaya pinapasok ko na lang at mukhang hirap na hirap sila. I told them to hand me the card after they left the flower in the corner far from me and my things.

"Whose flower was that?" Kaagad akong napatingin sa boses na nanggaling sa phone ko. I walked back closer to him.

"Someone is sending flowers to my baby, huh? Tell me the name of the man so I can show him you're reserved to me." The room was already cold, but it felt colder when I heard him say those words.

Eludes sounded like my father when he's mad over something, especially when Dad is mad about my Mom's wellbeing.

Napalunok ako at naupo sa kama. Pinakita ko sa kaniya ang card, "There's no competition, Eludes. Let me remind you that I'm not an object like your trophy. I'm not like those women who serve as your winning possession and get discarded easily when worn out."

Nakita ko ang salubong niyang kilay na ngayon ay maingat ng nakatingin sa akin. Ang mga mata ay naglalambing, "I'm sorry my baby. You're not a trophy against my jealous ass. Please forgive your man." Hindi ko siya pinansin.

Oo na, kaagad na gumana ang pagmamakaawa niya. Oo na, ako na ang marupok.

"You're jealous?" I asked.

Hindi ko pa pinapakita sa kaniya kung sino ang nagpadala sa akin ng bulaklak and I want to know his reaction after that question. At gumana nga. Nakikita ko ang pagpipigil niya sa sarili. Those sharp jaws. Pinasadahan niya ng kamay ang panga at ang kalbo niyang ulo. Damn buzz cut— Eludes looks like someone who could break my soul so easily.

What's worse? I'm considering the damn idea! God, I'm not sane anymore!

"I told you, I get easily jealous, baby. Don't remind me of my non-existent rights on you, I know and I'm controlling my possessive ass just so I won't offend you." Eludes' knuckles were white and I guess he's controlling the demon in him huh?

"What can I do to remove those jealous feelings, Eludes?" I asked, this time using a soft tone.

My mind is telling me not to go soft on this man, but my heart is beating to remove the man's worry. It's fucking hard to choose but I want this man. Behind the barricade I built for myself, I know I want this man. I desire for Eludes, noon pa man.

"You're not accountable to me, baby. I know that behind that kindness is a pang of guilt for offending someone. I hate that you see me as someone worth the guilt but not someone worthy of something more. I want more of you, baby. This man wants you."

Alam kong alam na ni Eludes na sa mga bulaklak na pinapadala niya sa akin ay mabibilang lang na hinahayaan ko itong makapasok sa opisina ko. Tapos nakita niya kanina na I let someone bring me flowers kahit na bago lang ako dito, unlike him who never missed a day sending me flowers. Panigurado, kapag ako ang nasa posisyon ay mamamatay na ako sa selos.

"The flower came from one of my investors. Hinaharana lang ako gamit ang mga bulaklak. The investor is a woman, Eludes. I don't like it when someone thinks something else, just because they don't know something from the angle I see it. Please don't be jealous of someone not worthy."

Alam ko ang pakiramdam na magselos dahil buong buhay ko nagseselos ako sa kapatid ko. Masakit na makaramdam ng selos sa kapatid ko na wala namang ginawa kundi ang ikakabuti sa akin. I have issues from the past and somehow it reflected to me after seeing how Eludes' face fall.

Siguro ayaw ko lang na maramdaman ng iba ang naramdaman ko noon dahil ako mismo alam ko na hindi madali ito.

"I wish you were here so I could kiss and have you, baby." Eludes' words were clouded with an emotion I can't tell but the intent in his eyes showed me his desire for me.

I smirked. An idea suddenly came into my head.

"How much do you want me, Eludes?" I asked eyes hooded with desire.

"Oh no, not this topic when you're away, please. I can't be more sinful in your eyes, not that you already know how horny I am, baby." Napatawa ako sa reaksiyon niya. Mabuti at alam niya ang kagaguhan niya.

I stood up and got myself a robe. Dinala ko ang cellphone ko sa harapan ng malaking salamin sa banyo ko at hinarap ang camera dito.

"You rather want me to post this on my Instagram story and let everybody see this? Akala ko ba gusto mong ikaw lang ang nakakakita nito?" Malagkit ko siyang tiningnan habang unti-unting tinanggal ang pang itaas kong damit.

"Damn!" I heard Eludes cursed.

Kagat-labi akong naghubad isa-isa sa mga damit hanggang sa hubo't-hubad na akong nakaharap sa salamin. Kinuha ko ang camera at pinakita kay Eludes ang nakikita ko sa salamin.

"I like the view," I complimented myself while softly tracing the faded scar on my lower abdomen I got from the accident in the river in Maraya.

"Baby..." Napatingin ako sa kamera ng makitang hinihingal si Eludes habang kagat-labing pinapanood ako.

I smirked.

Nahulog pa ang cellphone sa kamay niya at nakita ko na mukhang naglalakad siya and that was when I saw he's inside his office bathroom.

"Eludes..." I called when he showed me his bulge and it aroused me so much when he touched it and opened his pants!

His white CK underwear showed how hard he is for me. When he pulled it down, I saw the humungous head of Eludes! Damn, it's already emitting precum.

Oh, my man is hard for me. The fact that we're having phone sex is not in my wildest dreams!

"Play for me, baby," Kailangan ko pang pigilan ang sarili sa panginginig ng makita kong sinasalsal na ni Eludes ang kahabaan niya.

I'm hungry for this man, but I'm oozing pride after I got this reaction from my man. I watched Eludes' hand go up and down on his thickness. The veins are clear as a day and he's so hard that I think it's painful.

I turned around and played with my nipples, "Uhmm, I want you, Eludes— please play with me, please, please, please..." I chanted like a mad mantra, but it worked when I earned a grunt of approval from the other line.

"Tangina, your hole is perfect baby. Perfect for this hard dick. I can't wait to be your number one and I will let you kneel, feeding you this dick and your milk." Nag-iinit na rin ako sa naririnig ko mula kay Eludes.

I positioned the camera to let him see how I swallowed two of my fingers. I licked it good, showing him how wet my lips and mouth were for him. Kasabay ng pagbaba ko sa aking kamay ay sinundan ko ito ng camera at pinakita kung paano ko laruin ang sarili kong butas.

The other line grunted, and I saw how Eludes' hands go up and down in a hastened manner, "Come on, baby let me see that hole spread for this dick. Puta lalabasan na ako!"

Sinunod ko ang gusto niya at pinasok ang isang daliri ko sa butas ko. Napa-ungol ako sa hapdi at sakit at mukhang ito ang naging senyales para labasan si Eludes.

I heard his long groan and series of curses, and I watched as his hard member erupted almost ten times of its cum. The white consistency of his cum spread in his hands and some on the floor.

"Damn, good fucking hell!" I smirked knowing that I made him weak.

"Clean up, mister." I wink at his flushed face and end the call.

Mahina akong natawa dahil sa ginawa ko. Kinuha ko ang bathrobe at sinuot ito. I walked closer to the mirror and watched my equally read and flushed face.

I look ethereally pretty. I opened my camera and snapped a photo of me, showing my side angle and posted it on my Instagram account with a short caption, 'make you make me, want you want me, EZ.'

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Note: Listening to 'I wanna Be Yours' by Arctic Monkeys while writing this note. I'm still not done with thesis, but I felt motivated to write this after two of my finals are finished. Lasted almost three hours while writing this chapter. Lastly, this is unedited.

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