"Nag-delete ka na ng photos n'yo? Wala na sa Instagram mo, e! Ang bilis, ah! Parang wala lang!" 

It had only been months since Samantha broke up with me. I can't say that I was taking it so well even though I looked okay on the outside. Hindi na 'ko umiiyak sa kanya dahil wala na rin naman akong oras para umiyak. Hindi ko rin naman maintindihan kung bakit kailangan kong umiyak dahil kahit ano'ng gawin ko, hindi naman na siya babalik sa 'kin. 

"Archive lang," sagot ko kay Ridge habang nagbabasa ng notes. Pahinga ngayon sa duty pero mas pinili ko na lang na manatili rito sa hospital at mag-aral dahil saan pa ba 'ko pupunta?

"Miss mo na?" Ridge asked again. Hindi talaga matatahimik 'tong lalaking 'to kahit ano'ng gawin ko. Dahil tuloy sa ingay niya, nananatili akong gising kahit wala pa 'kong tulog simula kahapon. 

"Shut up," I said, rereading my notes. Because he was asking so many questions about Samantha, my mind was flying somewhere else again. Kanina ko pa binabasa ang same paragraph pero hindi pumapasok sa utak ko. Ah, fuck. It made me so frustrated. 

My next duty was seven A.M. to seven A.M. the next day. It was tiring, especially when I couldn't sleep even if I wanted to. There were just too many thoughts running inside my mind, so to distract them, I always resorted to studying all night. That was how my clerkship went by, barely even getting sleep, tiring myself out. To be honest, I just felt dead... A dead person with senses. A dead person who could still move with a blank mind. 

I really wasn't taking the breakup and the problem with my parents well. I actually never hated my parents, and I really loved my mom. I knew she just wanted the best for me, but I wanted to prove that I could still live without hanging onto their connections... because I wanted to build a name for myself. I wanted to live for me and not desperately keep up to their expectations. 

"I'm applying for Track B. Are you coming with me?" I asked Ridgen before taking a seat on the gutter. We were both inside the campus, eating a popsicle. 

Some people will take the regular internship, but I chose to have an elective. However, applying still didn't mean I would actually get in since the maximum number of people who could get in was only twenty. I was eligible since I belonged to the top of the class and Ridgen, but then, if I didn't get in, I would end up in a regular one. 

"Oo naman! Sama ako! Si Eva ata, nag Track A na lang," sabi niya habang nakatayo sa harapan ko. "Sana makapasok, 'no? Ipagdadasal ko!" 

At hindi ko akalaing malakas manalangin si Ridgen dahil pareho nga kaming natanggap. Lakas sa langit, ah. 

Iiyak na sana siya dahil akala niya hindi siya kasali kasi maraming may mas mataas na grade sa kanya pero nakasabit naman siya kaya ayos na. Hindi mababa ang grades niya. Marami lang talagang matatalino at sobrang masipag mag-aral. Mga palaging nakaka-uno. 

Magkaiba kami ng rotation sa departments kaya kinailangan kong makisalamuha sa ibang tao. Talking to other people wasn't really hard for me but I wasn't just feeling it. I still had to if I wanted to survive in this field. Hindi ko kayang mag-isa lang. 

I was assigned to the Obstetrics and Gynecology department for weeks. I just got used to seeing women's sensitive parts. It wasn't really a big deal to me anymore. Iyon na ang hinaharap at pinagkakaabalahan ko nang ilang linggo. My seniors guided me well pero minsan tuwing pagod sila, sa akin nabubunto. Okay lang naman sa 'kin. Naiintindihan ko.

"What do you think?" the senior resident asked me. 

"There are abnormal cells on the surface of the cervix..." I looked at the illustration carefully. "The patient has a history of mild cervical dysplasia. A recurrence?" I asked. 

"Right. It's getting severe and might become cancerous..." 

I wasn't always accurate in the discussion, but there was always space to learn. I faced different patients with different illnesses, personalities, and attitudes. I was shouted at many times, but I endured everything to get by. I wanted to finish it already, but I still got a long way to go. It was impossible to learn everything in one night. 

When I got assigned to the Surgery department, I became more tired. I sat on the bench for the first time today, taking off my mask. Sinandal ko ang ulo ko sa pader at napabuntong-hininga. I closed my eyes, still wearing my maroon scrub suit with my intern I.D. pinned on the left side. 

I just witnessed another death. I covered my face and sighed again. There was no choice but to keep going. There was no other choice. I stood up and started walking away. I changed into new clothes before stepping out to get some coffee. 

The scene I couldn't face was family members crying after losing a loved one because it was too familiar. It reminded me of her and her sister... But it was also what kept me going. I didn't want that to happen again. As much as possible, I wanted people to continue living. To help them fight until their last breath. 

That was how my internship went by. I was rotating to different departments, and I would often run into Ridgen and Eva at the hospital. We would get coffee whenever we had breaks in between our shifts. 

"Latte," I told the lady at the counter. Ridgen was paying for our orders. First time 'atang nanglibre nito. "Si Doctor Dela Riva maayos naman," sabi ko kay Eva nang makaupo sa table namin. 

"Hassle kaya, sobra! Ilang beses akong naiyak pero dapat matibay ako!" Eva complained. We were both waiting for our drinks while Ridgen was paying. 

She was talking more about her experience when someone caught my attention. My head turned, parting my lips in surprise, when I saw Samantha Vera walking inside the coffee shop, scrolling on her phone. 

Nakaupo na si Ridgen sa table nang pumunta siya sa counter para mag-order. I had to look away so she wouldn't notice that I was staring too much. Ano'ng ginagawa niya rito? Akala ko nasa ibang bansa siya? Bakit siya narito? Malayo 'to sa kung saan man siya nakatira ngayon. 

"Nakikinig ka ba?" Eva asked, waving her hand in front of my face. 

"Ah, oo," I answered to whatever she was saying. I didn't catch up. I just hoped my response fit the context. 

"Ang sabi ko, ano'ng oras matatapos shift mo bukas. Anong oo ka diyan?" Napakunot ang noo ni Eva. I laughed and shook my head, feeling apologetic towards her. Hindi ako nakikinig kaya si Ridgen na lang ang kinausap niya. 

I glanced at Samantha again and saw her alone on the table. May kikitain ba siya rito? Mukhang may hinihintay siya pero hindi ko na dapat problema 'yon. Ilang buwan na noong huli ko siyang nakita sa personal. Palagi ko lang siyang napapanood sa mga commercial niya at minsan nakikita pictures niya na naka-display sa mga advertisement. Hanggang doon na lang. 

She changed so much. Her hair was already wavy long, and she dyed it brown. She really looked out of reach. She stood out so much in the crowd, kahit sa coffee shop lang. Ah, hell, I felt so helpless. Everything wasn't the same anymore. 

"One latte for Clyden!" 

I stood up and went to the counter to get it. I froze when I heard the lady calling for Samantha, too, sliding the cup over the table near mine. She was taking too long, so the lady called her again. I was busy adding sugar to my drink. Hindi naman dapat marami pero na-distract ako kaya hindi ko napansing ang dami ko nang nilalagay. 

I was about to walk away when she suddenly bumped into me, my latte spilling on my white uniform. "Oh, fuck! I'm sorry!" She was obviously panicking. 

I looked down at the stain. Napaso rin 'yong kamay ko dahil natapunan din 'yon pero tiniis ko na lang. I didn't want her to feel more guilty. I tried to wipe the stain using a tissue, but of course, it wouldn't come off. 

"It's fine," I whispered before getting another tissue to wipe my hand. It was a bit red already because of the heat. 

"Cy! Tara na!" I glanced at Eva, who was already holding her drink, prepared to leave. 

I nodded and walked towards her, holding the door so she could exit the coffee shop first. When I looked back, she was already talking to Ridgen. I bit my lower lip and just started walking away. She seemed... so far away from me. Ang lapit niya kanina pero pakiramdam ko hindi ko pa rin siya mahahawakan. 

I kept on achieving more to stand on the same level as her. I was recognized as one of the top ten outstanding interns with exemplary performance. I also graduated magna cum laude at UP College of Medicine. All of these, without the support of my family. Lahat ng 'to, dahil sa 'kin. I could finally give myself credit. 

"Congratulations, anak. You have proven a lot." My mom gave me a hug after the ceremony. "I am so proud of you!" 

"Will you apply at Ramirez Med after taking the boards?" My dad tried to get me back again. I appreciated his efforts in making it work again between us. I wasn't really mad at him for tormenting me for years, but I couldn't forget it and act as if nothing happened.

"I will," I told him. I will work there not because of them but because it was one of the top-performing hospitals in the country, and I wanted to explore more. I wanted to learn more. Ang dami ko pang hindi alam at alam kong makakatulong ang mga tao roon sa 'kin. 

It still didn't end there. I attended a review center with Ridge to prepare for the boards. I read a lot of books for supplementary information. I just liked reading a lot. Masaya ako tuwing may nalalaman akong bago. Hindi naman ako masipag mag-aral noon. Natutunan ko lang talagang mahalin 'yong ginagawa ko dahil kailangan. Kung ayaw ko nito, matagal ko nang sinukuan. 

It wasn't easy to continue with my chosen career... Pero pinili ko 'to kaya kahit gaano kahaba, lalakarin ko. Hindi ko naman kailangan magmadali. Hindi pwedeng magmadali rito kasi kapag tinakbo mo, baka makalimutan mo kung saan ka talaga papunta. I walked at my own pace, focusing on the present goal. I didn't want to think about how long it would take me. I just kept going. 

"Badtrip ka, ang talino mo na! Hindi na 'ko magugulat pag nag-top ka sa boards!" reklamo ni Ridgen sabay higa sa sofa. 

I was seated on the floor with three thick books on the coffee table beside my laptop, a big iPad for my notes, and handouts from the review center. My highlighters were all over the place, too, as well as sticky notes. I could study better when organized. I had been studying for eight hours already. I would only take breaks to have a snack. 

"Hindi pa ba napapagod utak mo? Kanina ka pa nagbabasa diyan," Ridgen asked again. 

"Ikaw ba? Hindi ba napapagod bibig mo? Kanina ka pa tumatalak diyan, e," I fired back. 

"Kaya ako narito para sabay tayong mag-review! Hindi ko naman akalain na ang dami mong binabasa! Tinitingnan ko pa lang, tinatamad na 'ko." Dumapa siya sa sofa at kinuha ang isang libro. May mga colored bookmarks pa 'ko roon sa mga page. I just finished reading it last night. 

I had been friends with Ridgen ever since high school and he was always the carefree type. He didn't care for his studies and would often review using my notes. Mas madali niya raw naiintindihan. Matalino siya dahil kahit hindi siya nag-aaral, nakakapasa pa. Hindi lang halata. 

Matagal na rin niyang gusto maging doktor kaya noong nalaman niya na magdodoktor ako, hindi na niya 'ko nilubayan. Sinundan ako ng kumag mula college, med school, at review center. Si Eva rin, sinusundan ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ba nila 'ko sinusundan. Kung nasaan ako, naroon sila. Parang tanga. 

"Uy, si Sam ba 'to?!" Bumaba ng sofa si Ridgen para kuhanin 'yong magazine sa ilalim ng coffee table. Nabitawan ko kaagad ang hawak kong highlighter para pigilan siya. "Aba, gago ka, ah! Huli ka!"

"Ano ba? Tanginang 'to!" Sinubukan kong kuhanin pabalik sa kanya pero tumayo siya at tumakbo, tuwang-tuwa. Napasapo ako sa noo ko nang iharap niya sa 'kin ang cover ng magazine at tinuro ang mukha ni Sam.

"Ito ba ang naka-move on na?!" Malakas siyang tumawa at bumalik sa coffee table para kuhanin pa 'yong tatlong magazine. "Grabe, lakas ng amats mo! Creepy ka!" 

"Ano'ng creepy diyan? Hindi ko naman 'yan tinitignan gabi-gabi," pagtatanggol ko sa sarili ko. Maayos naman ang magazine, ah. Binili ko lang 'yon para suportahan siya. Hanggang doon na lang ang magagawa ko ngayon. 

"Weh? Baka ginawa mong pampatulog 'to, ah!" Malakas siyang tumawa. 

"Pwede bang manahimik ka? Nag-aaral ako." Napailing na lang ako sa kanya. Wala na 'kong magagawa sa gagong 'to.

"Sige! Pagdasal kong maka-top ka sa boards!" pabirong sabi niya ulit. 

Anak ng. Lahat ng pinagdadasal ni kumag nagkakatotoo. I topped the boards with a rating of 91.33%. I wasn't actually expecting that. The exams were really hard. I was expecting to be around 85% or less. 

"Congratulations, Cy!" 

"Ang galing mo, hayop!" 

"Halimaw ka talaga, Cy! Lahat na kinuha mo!" 

I received a lot of compliments and congratulatory messages, but the one I was actually waiting for didn't come. I stared at my phone for a long time, hoping Samantha would send a message. Even a simple 'Congrats' would do, but nothing came. 

I sighed heavily and looked at Summer beside the bed. While I was reviewing, she got pregnant by a random dog. Hindi ko na rin alam kung sino. She just gave birth last week, and I saw that she was having a hard time. 

"Are you okay?" I whispered, caressing her head. She only gave birth to three puppies, but only one survived because she was really having a hard time, even during her labor. I felt so bad for her. "I topped the boards, Summer..." I told her. 

Solar was drinking milk from her. Nakahiga lang si Summer sa sahig at hindi na siya masyadong gumagalaw. The next day, I brought her to the vet to check her condition. She was having complications in her lungs. They tried to operate on her, and I thought it would be okay after that, but she was really getting old already. 

It was one of my fears. My dogs were aging... I couldn't face the fact that they wouldn't be by my side forever. 

"Are you tired now?" I asked Summer while seated at the garden. Nasa bahay ako. Bahay namin ni Sam. Nakasandal ang ulo ni Summer sa binti ko habang tulog si Solar sa tabi niya. 

I bit my lower lip and caressed her fur again. I gave her a kiss on the top of her head. She was already having a hard time breathing and it hurt. Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko dahil naramdaman ko ang sakit doon. 

"Do you want to rest now?" I asked, trying to stop the tears from falling. 

I knew she wanted to rest already, but for the past few days, she was always at the door like she was waiting for someone. Doon siya humihiga o kaya minsan dito sa garden, nakaharap sa garahe. I already had a feeling that she was stalling. 

"Are you waiting for your mom?" I asked again. She looked at me with her tired eyes. 

I looked for my phone inside my pocket and played a video of Sam playing with Summer. I showed it to her, and she stared at it until it finished. I even showed her some more close-up photos. 

"Mom can't go, Summer... I'm sorry..." I told her. 

She looked at me again before licking my hand. I waited for a few more minutes until she wasn't responding anymore. I cried and carried her to my car to bury her in the mansion's yard. I didn't want to bury her in my house since I was planning to sell it, but I was still hesitant because I wanted to hold on to my memories with Samantha... I could only sell it once we could finally create new ones... Kung posible pa ba 'yon. 

"Rest in peace, Summer," Colin said, holding the shovel. 

He helped me with it. I also brought the other dogs with me, including Solar. They were probably wondering why Summer wasn't around anymore. I didn't know how to explain it to them. Hindi rin naman nila maiintindihan. Masasanay na lang sila na kulang sila. May kapalit naman. Si Solar. Magiging kamukha niya si Summer kapag lumaki na siya. 

My original plan was to become a pediatric surgeon, but I didn't go with surgery for my residency. I figured out that it was going to take longer for me to become a doctor, and I... couldn't deal with a lot of deaths in the operating room. I took pedia instead, and as expected, I really enjoyed it.

"Totoo kayang may anak na si Sam? 'Yong kasama niyang bata palagi?" tanong ni Ridge sa 'kin habang busy ako sa rounds ko. 

Hindi ako sumagot dahil hindi ko rin naman alam kung anong isasagot ko sa kanya. Matagal ko nang narinig 'yon at tinanggap ko na rin kung mayroon man. Mukhang three o four years old 'yong bata. Posibleng nabuntis siya pagkahiwalay namin... Pero nagmo-model na siya noon, ah? Hindi rin siya tumigil. Wala akong balitang nanganak siya. Naguguluhan na 'ko. 

"I'll leave Avi to you, Cy. Maui, I'm sorry. I need to go to the ward." 

I stared at Samantha for a long time. She was the last person I expected to be here... in front of me. It had been years since I last saw her, and I still felt the same way. My heart was racing so fast while taking in her appearance before me. She looked even more mature. Ibang-iba siya sa pictures at sa videos ng shows. 

I watched them for a long time, and they didn't look alike... but the kid had Sam's attitude and aura. She took after her. Avrielle Haven Fernandez, huh... Fernandez was the surname of the father? 

Inisip ko na kung sino ang mga Fernandez na kilala niya pero masyadong marami. Sinearch ko pa sa Instagram following niya pero ang dami ring lumabas. Sino rito?! Hindi ko na alam! Wala akong oras para isa-isahing tignan lahat ng profile na 'yon. Napakarami noon! 

"Nang... Blood..." The kid removed the handkerchief from her nose. It was full of blood. Her voice was so soft and small I could barely understand what she said. 

For some reason, it annoyed me. The kid was hurt. Hindi ba niya inaalagaan nang maayos? Where was the kid's dad in the first place? Bakit kailangan niyang dalhin sa gym? It was so fucking annoying. They were careless. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit masyado akong nagagalit kahit hindi ko naman anak 'yon. 

I had to give Solar to her when another resident called me over the phone to say that the kid who used to admire me was in critical condition, so I had to run to see what would happen. Good thing he was saved... But his condition still didn't get any better. 

"I hope we won't see each other so often," I told her after getting Solar. "Because it would mean that the kid's unhealthy. Take care of the child." 

Mainit 'ata talaga ang mata kay Samantha dahil pagkatapos ng isang rumor, mayroon na naman. Napatawa ako nang sarkastiko nang marinig na may boyfriend na siya at nagkita pa sila sa Japan. 

"Ulol," I whispered while scrolling through my feed. It was my break time, so I had time to spare. "Non-showbiz boyfriend pa nga..." 

She ignored all of the rumors and didn't even bother talking about them so I assumed that they were true. Boyfriend? Masasaktan ba 'ko roon? Pumasok na sa isip ko 'yon noon. Imposibleng hindi siya magkaroon ng ibang boyfriend pagkatapos namin mag-break. She was too gorgeous and kind. Men would line up over her and beg her to pick them. 

And honestly, I wanted to line up too... But I already did and got kicked out. Hindi na ba pwedeng umulit? Hindi na 'ko mapakali. 

"Do not cause a ruckus in our hospital. There are patients around," I told the reporters. "You shouldn't be allowed here." 

Samantha ran away so fast, leaving her card holder behind. I picked it up from the floor and looked at it, shaking my head in disappointment. How careless. Kung masama akong tao, pwede ko nang gamitin card niya pambili ng mga luho ko. 

I just kept it with me but eventually forgot about it because of my schedule. I just got reminded of it when she called. Wow, she really called... At ngayon lang niya napansin na may nawawala sa kanya? Bukod sa 'kin? 

"Hello. Kumusta? May masakit ba?" I asked Bryan, one of the kids who admired me. He was around nine years old, and he told me that he wanted to become a doctor like me someday. 

He just finished an operation because of his lung complications. Naaawa ako dahil ang dami pa ring nakakabit sa katawan niya. 

"Hindi pa po ba tatanggalin 'to, Doc? Masakit po..." He pointed at the IV attached to his hand.

"Kapag magaling at malakas ka na, tatanggalin ko na 'yan, okay?" Marahan kong hinaplos ang buhok niya. I gave him an assuring smile. "Hindi ka ba nahihirapan huminga? Okay ka lang?" 

"Masakit po rito, Doc..." He pointed just above his stomach. I felt even worse. "Magpapalakas po ako tapos kapag nakalabas na 'ko ng hospital, bibisitahin kita!" 

I laughed and nodded in approval. At least he was looking forward to something... But what hurt me the most was the fact that his condition didn't get any better after the operation. 

"Doctor Ramirez, papunta ka na sa bagong ward? May naghihintay sayo roon," sabi ni Doctor Lana nang makasalubong ko siya. 

"Yes, Doc. Sino?" tanong ko pero ngumiti lang siya sa 'kin at hindi na sumagot. New ward? Wala masyadong pasyente roon at wala pang laman 'yong kalahati ng room. Ginagamit lang 'yon kapag sobra ang pasyente at hindi kasya roon sa dati. 

I walked inside and talked to the nurse at the counter before checking on the patients. Afterward, I went to the farthest bed in the corner of the room where the empty boxes were placed. Inalis ko ang kurtina at tumayo sa tabi ng kama. 

"She fell asleep," I whispered to myself while staring at her. 

I put my hands inside my pockets and sat on the other bed in front of her, watching. I was debating if I should wake her up or not, but she looked tired. I stood up again and placed my hand over her forehead. 

"You're sick," I whispered again. "You should take care of yourself. What are you doing?" I sighed heavily. 

Wasn't her boyfriend taking care of her? I saw the photos last night. Inaalalayan siya ng lalaki. Ang paliwanag nila, masama raw ang pakiramdam niya kaya hinatid siya sa condo. I wasn't planning to know everything about it and I was never interested in showbiz news but she dragged me into this. 

In the end, I just brought her to my office. My dad gave this room to me so I could focus on my research and get more sleep, lessening the burden of driving home. Hanggang ngayon, sinusuyo niya pa rin ako. I left Samantha there to get some food for her, but when I walked past Bryan's room, I thought of rechecking his condition.

"Hello-"

"Doc! Doc! Hindi siya makahinga!" Her mom cried in front of me, panicking. 

Nilagay ko kaagad ang paper bag sa lamesa bago tumakbo papalapit sa kama. I pressed the emergency button before checking his vitals. I couldn't move around when the kid suddenly held on to my coat tightly and coughed, whispering something. 

My hand trembled when I saw bloodstains on my coat. I couldn't think straight, but I had to go back to my senses to save him. The nurses came inside the room in no time, running.

"Stay with me," I said while putting on gloves. "Call Doctor Carena! Now!" I told the nurses. "Bry, stay with me, okay?"

But it was too late. I stayed outside the room while the doctors were inside. Sumandal ako sa pader at napatakip sa mukha ko nang marinig ang iyak ng nanay niya sa loob. Nakatulala lang ako nang matagal, hindi pumapasok sa isip ang nangyari. It wasn't my first time witnessing something like that... But I just couldn't get used to it like other doctors.

"Did something happen?" Sam asked when I went back to my room. 

"It's... It's fine. Here's your food." I handed her the paper bag, refusing to talk about it. 

I was so distracted the whole time. Naisip ko kung maaga ba 'kong bumaba para bumili ng pagkain, masasalba ko kaya siya? Kung binilisan ko, pwede pa kaya? There was always guilt after seeing someone pass away in front of me... And it worried me because it was exactly how Samantha felt years ago... That was the reason why I couldn't tell her. I thought she would be sad about it. 

"Cy," she called me. "You can't save everyone." 

You, too. Say that to yourself too. 

Hindi man niya napapansin pero alam kong hanggang ngayon, kahit pinangako niya sa sarili niyang mabubuhay siya para sa sarili niya, nakakulong pa rin siya sa nakaraan niya, sa mga problema niya, sa mga tao sa paligid niya. She was still too considerate of others that she already seemed to forget about herself. 

"Ano'ng pinapanood mo?" Ridgen asked while I was eating noodles. 

"Huwag ka mangialam." Tinulak ko ang mukha niya palayo. 

I had been awake for twenty-nine hours already. I should be sleeping at this time but I chose to watch her fashion show. Ang tagal ko siyang hinihintay na maglakad doon habang pinapalamig 'yong noodles. 

My lips parted when it was her turn to walk. She looked... amazing. She smiled at the camera and even winked before turning around. When I looked down, I saw her wearing the pair of heels I gave her. It made me happy like crazy. I couldn't help but smile. 

"Kinilig, amp!" Ridgen pointed at my face. 

"Tigilan mo 'ko." Nawala tuloy ang ngiti ko. Panira 'tong gagong 'to, e. 

Hindi ko napansin na habang hinihintay ko ulit siya, nakatulog na 'ko sa lamesa. Nagising lang ako nang tumunog ang phone ko dahil hinahanap na 'ko. Binatukan ko kaagad si Ridge dahil hindi ako ginising! Hindi na tuloy ako nakakain! Humigop na lang ako ng sabaw at binigay kay Ridge 'yon bago umalis. 

I thought of sending her a message to congratulate her on a well-done job, but I didn't know how to say it. Nakailang bura na 'ko ng type. 

'Ang galing m...' 

Delete. 

'Congrats...' 

Masyadong maikli. 

'Congratulations. You did well...' 

"Doc! Kanina pa kita tinatawag!" The nurse suddenly interrupted me. I just deleted the message and hid the phone inside my pocket. 

Ah, never mind. She wouldn't care anyway. 

itsamantha: Sigh. I miss y

itsamantha: yoga

I bit my lower lip to stop myself from laughing when I read the message. Did she accidentally send that and try to cover it up? Yoga, huh? Since when did she become into yoga? Anyway, I just played along with it... But I guess I took it too far. 

"Aren't we going to do yoga today?" I asked. 

Fuck. I really took it that far? What the hell. Wala nga akong alam tungkol doon! Sa buong buhay ko, hindi pa 'ko nakapag-yoga. Bakit ko sinabi 'yon? Bobo. 

But of course, someone had to interrupt when we were just about to fucking kiss. "Am I in the right unit?" this familiar man playfully asked.

"Lim," I greeted him. This bastard. I knew it was him in the rumors but I chose to ignore them. Kailan pa sila nagkakilala? Hindi ko na rin alam kung kailangan ko pang itanong 'yon. Lahat 'ata kilala ni Sam. 

We weren't exactly on bad terms, but his presence just pissed me off ever since high school. His playful personality clashed with mine. He was friendly, but because I was a quiet kid back then, he tried so hard to get me talking, which just annoyed me to the core. 

"Wow, I love yoga. Why don't you continue with me?" At hanggang ngayon, ganoon pa rin siya. Nakakairita.

After taking a call from my senior, I decided to invite someone else so Haze wouldn't target me alone. Ayokong uminom at hindi naman talaga ako umiinom dahil busy pero ayokong sila lang dalawa ang magsasaya. 

To: Atty. Kalix Martinez

Punta ka condo ni Sam. Let's grab a drink. 

From: Atty. Kalix Martinez

No. 

To: Atty. Kalix Martinez

Sabi ni Sam may bago nang boyfriend 'yong ex mo. 

From: Atty. Kalix Martinez

Bullshit. 

I thought because of that, he wouldn't come anymore, so I was surprised that he really did. Ang dali lang palang paikutin 'tong isang 'to, e. 

I was staring at Avrielle, Haze, and Sam a lot. Naisip ko kung hindi ba ako 'yong na-engage sa kanya, may pamilya na rin siya ngayon katulad niyan? Haze could give her a lot of time. He could give everything I couldn't. He could be with her. They could get married and have kids without any problem. It wasn't the same with me. I felt envious. 

"You can hold onto me." I held her hand tighter. "Kahit bitawan mo ulit ako sa dulo. Kumapit ka lang sa 'kin ngayon, wala na 'kong pakialam sa mangyayari." 

Iyon na naman. Nagpapakatanga na naman. Para sa 'kin, kahit makasama ko lang siya nang ilang araw o ilang minuto, okay na. It was the least I could do at the moment. We were both not ready for a relationship yet. We were too busy for it. Hindi pa oras para magkabalikan kami at alam ko 'yon. Alam niya rin 'yon... pero sumubok pa rin kami. 

Samantha Vera and Clyden Ramirez almost got married! READ HERE. 

I felt it was my fault she was having a hard time again. Those articles. It felt like deja vu. I was worried that she would collapse... close down her doors again... and she really did. Not once did she try to reach out to me during her worst times, and I had always felt useless because of it. 

Kahit sinabi kong kumapit siya sa 'kin, bumitaw din kaagad siya dahil akala niya mahahatak niya 'ko pababa but the actual reason why I wanted her to hold onto me was because I couldn't let her fall into her own darkness again. I can't save everyone, but at least I could try. I can't repeat what happened last time. I knew she was already close to giving up.

"Are you and Samantha in a relationship?" 

"Doctor Ramirez, isang sagot lang! Nagkabalikan na ba kayo?" 

"Ano'ng masasabi mo tungkol sa isyu ng mga Vera?" 

I just went out to buy coffee, but I got bombarded with questions at the hospital entrance. I walked to the office without saying anything. I knew my colleagues wanted to ask me about my relationship with the famous Samantha Vera, but they couldn't utter a word. They were scared of my facial expression. 

It just went worse and worse. "Doc, nasa labas po Mommy mo..." 

I nodded and stood up to go outside the office, but my mom went inside instead. All the doctors left the room when they noticed the heavy atmosphere. I put my hands inside the pockets of my coat and leaned against the table, waiting for her to say something. She was wearing her coat too, and her hair was in a bun. 

"Your dad... is furious about this," she started. 

"He was the first one to involve us in this." I scoffed. Wasn't he the one who arranged my marriage with Samantha? The daughter of his 'close' friend? At ngayon, bakit ako ang sinisisi niya dahil nadadawit ang pangalan namin? Ano b'ang ginawa ko? "He should reflect on himself." 

"Clyden, you're making it hard for me..." My mom suddenly cried. I felt a pain in my chest, so I had to look away. "It's happening again... I tried hard to save you from getting involved in this... Why did you have to see her again?" 

"My answer is still the same as the last time. I won't let you stop me from seeing her," I clearly said. "Tell Dad that I am not his possession. He can't control my decisions. I am not a kid anymore. I can live without him and his judgment." 

"I know you love her, but this is really not the right time, Cy..." She held my cheek. "I understand... But this should be fixed. Try to stay away from her... Kahit ilang araw lang, anak." 

"This is the time when she needs me the most, so I won't stay away from her. I can't. If it bothers you, it's not my problem anymore," I told her before walking away. 

But because I made my mom cry again, I received another punch from Charles. He was really waiting for me in the house just to pick a damn fight. 

"Again! You're doing it again!" Charles yelled at me. "Apologize to Mom and Dad! Stop being stubborn!" 

"Stop it," Colin tried to stop both of us, leaning against the door frame. He wasn't really trying hard. "You're waking up the dogs." 

"Whatever you say, I won't budge," I told Charles, stretching my jaw. When he tried to go for it again, I grabbed his collar and gave him a punch too. He wouldn't stop. 

He fell on the floor with a bleeding nose. Colin sighed heavily and rolled his eyes, walking towards us to stand in between. 

"Stop acting like fucking kids. Cut it out," he said, getting pissed off.

"Dad forgives you over and over again. You should be ashamed of yourself for bringing problems to the family," Charles said under his gritted teeth. 

"Enough of it already." Colin pushed him lightly. "Go home." 

Charles glared at me for the last time before driving away. I also left to check on Samantha because she wasn't answering my calls. I blamed myself for getting her into this. If I didn't approach her again... this wouldn't have happened. I felt guilty about it. I took all the blame so she wouldn't blame herself. 

I was ready to take the blow, but she faced them alone. 

"I want to take the pain away from you, my love... I'm sorry." I kissed her hair and held her hand tightly until she fell asleep. 

She cried a lot and it hurt me. I carried her and placed her on the bed, kissing her forehead. She had been through a lot. Sa bawat problema niya, palagi na lang niyang sinisisi sarili niya at kapag kaharap ang ibang tao, ngingiti na parang walang nangyari. Nakakapagod nang panoorin siyang ganoon. I wanted her to live happily. I wanted her to be free. 

I went out of the room and cleaned her unit. Hindi na siya lumabas dito simula noong lumabas ang articles tungkol sa kanya. Nakita ko rin ang cans ng beer sa lamesa. Nag-inom din pala siya. Mukhang may kasama siya. Nang marinig ko ang doorbell, binuksan ko kaagad ang pinto. 

The woman's eyes widened when she saw me at the door, like she wasn't expecting me to be there. She was tall and familiar. She was... Yanna, if I remembered correctly. The mother of Avrielle. 

"Si Sam?" tanong niya kaagad, may hawak na maliit na paper bag. 

"Tulog," I simply answered. "Do you want to step inside?" 

"Ah, hindi na. Nandiyan ka na pala kaya okay na. Paki-abot na lang 'to!" She handed me the paper bag. I checked and saw vitamins. "Hindi na siya kumakain. Iyak na lang siya nang iyak." 

"Sorry..." I felt the need to apologize. If it weren't for me, Sam wouldn't suffer like this. 

But I was surprised when she laughed. Napabalik ang tingin ko sa kanya at napakunot ang noo. Bakit siya tumatawa? 

"Bagay kayo 'no?" She raised a brow. "Sorry nang sorry kahit walang kasalanan. Huwag nga kayong ganyan." 

"Ah, sor-" I stopped when I had the urge to apologize again. "Nevermind." 

"Okay lang. Ingatan mo best friend ko. Kung hindi, gagawin kitang pasyente, hindi doktor," she threatened me with a smile. "Sige na... Bye." She tapped my shoulder before walking away. 

I liked tormenting myself too much. I even helped her pack her clothes before her flight to New York. Parehong-pareho sa nangyari noon. Iiwan niya 'ko ulit... Pero matagal ko nang pinaghandaan 'to. I thought that if I prepared for it, it would hurt less... but it didn't. 

"If you find someone else, I hope she will make you happy." She cried again. "And that she won't make you suffer like this. I hope that she won't leave you... ever."

Someone else? I could never find someone else other than her. She was already engraved in my soul. If she wanted me to find someone else, then she shouldn't have made me fall in love with her in the first place. 

"Choose a good woman, alright?"

A good woman. I stared at her for a long time. I already chose her a long time ago. "Alright. I will." 

"Time to go, Maui."

Seeing her leave just brought nothing but more pain. I told myself not to run after her, but I still couldn't just let her leave when I could see her for the last time. Kahit isang minuto lang... Kahit ilang segundo lang. Those were already enough for me. 

"I love you so much," she whispered before walking away. 

At 'yon na ang pinanghawakan ko. Sapat na 'yon para hintayin siya. Mahal na mahal ko siya na kahit walang pag-asa, naghintay pa rin ako. Kung hindi siya babalik, ako ang pupunta sa kanya. 

"Want to see a show?" Haze asked, holding tickets. 

"I'll check my schedule," I told him without looking at it. 

"Sam would be walking on the runway." 

I immediately turned to him and took the ticket out of his hand. "Count me in." 

It was so surreal to watch her walk on the runway in person. Palagi ko lang siyang pinapanood sa screen. She looked so happy and free... It was enough for me. I didn't want to bother her any longer. I was afraid that I could make it worse. 

She looked so beautiful. Her smile... I wanted to protect that for the rest of my life. 

Because of my fellowship, I spent so much time in the emergency room. Halos doon na nga ako nakatira but because I had interns and residents under me, it made my job better. I could take breaks in between.

"Oxygen saturation has dropped to 85." 

"Prepare for intubation," I told them. 

It was always a rough day in the E.R. It was chaotic. I was already used to seeing blood, but I still hated to see people suffering. 

Because I became so busy with my fellowship, time passed quickly. I went to my dad and told him about my transferring to New York with the hopes of getting back together with Samantha again. 

"I'm sorry for... everything, Cy," Dad told me before I left the mansion. "You have proven yourself a lot of times... and it was my fault you were hurt. I'm sorry." 

I looked back at him and gave him a small smile. "It's alright... We can't do anything to change the past anyway. I'll give you another chance, and that's it... but you can never control me anymore." 

I didn't have anything to say. I didn't want an ill relationship with him. I knew he loved me after all. Since I refused to accept his help, he became more supportive and proud. He did many things to make it up to me and helped me a lot of times. 

"She's going home," Haze told me while we were out for drinks with Kalix. 

I parted my lips and looked at him in shock. "Really?" 

"Yeah, she's planning to build a club here. Don't tell her that I said this." Haze laughed, puffing a cigarette. We were at a rooftop bar this time. "You want a smoke?" he asked Kalix. 

"No..." Kalix looked away before sipping on his beer. "I already stopped." 

"Dang... Okay." Haze shrugged. 

She was going home. Damn... I could finally see her again. At that moment, I swore to myself that I would never let her go again. We can finally... be together. It was the right time. Nothing could stop us anymore. 

itsamantha: My final walk will be on the aisle with you. 

That one single post made it into the news, but we didn't care anymore. Positive feedback or not, wala na 'kong pakialam. We weren't living for other people this time. We were living for ourselves and for each other. 

"Love, come on, please... This party's important to me! We're going to be complete!"  Samantha kept on begging me to come to her get-together party with her friends. It had been months since we confirmed our relationship. 

"Hahabol ako," I told her. I had duty until midnight since the other doctor was out. 

"You better come, okay?!" she threatened me again. 

Yeah, right. I was so tired that night, but I still went home, took a shower, and changed into casual clothes. I wore a black long-sleeved turtle neck tucked inside a pair of black pants. I added a grey blazer and a black leather belt to complete the look. I heard the 'boyfriends' would be there. That was what Sam said. 

When I arrived, I saw the guys gathered on the couch. Some were seated, and some were standing. Sevi was seated on the couch's armrest, and Arkin was standing in front of him. Hiro, Yanna's husband, was beside Arkin. Kalix was seated on the couch. Beside him were Adonis and another unfamiliar man. 

"Hey," I greeted Kalix as soon as I arrived. I walked past Sevi and tapped him on the shoulder. Napahawak pa siya roon sa tinapik ko na parang nasaktan. I laughed and greeted the others too. 

"A drink?" Hiro poured a glass of whiskey for me, and I accepted it. 

"Hello, Doc!" Adonis greeted me. "Ah, si Leo nga pala!" he introduced the other guy too. 

"Hi. Clyden," I introduced myself. I turned to Arkin and gave him a small smile too. "I know you now." 

"Hay, sa wakas." He held his chest, laughing. "Ah, naroon si Sam, pre! Nanglalasing ng mahihina!" turo niya sa kabilang couch. 

Samantha seemed to notice my presence since she looked our way. Her eyes brightened as she ran towards me, hugging me on the neck. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and told her to have fun with the girls. 

"Thanks for coming, love!" she said before going back. 

I was busy talking with the guys. Their topic was their girlfriends, which was funny. They were complaining about them being grumpy, and I didn't know what to say because Samantha was just so... nice. 

"I don't know about being grumpy. How I wish Luna would be grumpy instead of being too loud every day..." Kalix shook his head. "She never went silent." 

"Mahal mo naman," Arkin added. 

"Yanna's also too loud..." Hiro said, but it just sounded sexual. 

"Ibang usapan na 'ata 'yan," sabi ko. He just smirked and sipped on his drink. 

"Hah, kung pasungitan at kamalditahan ang usapan, panalo na pambato ko!" Sevi proudly said. 

I couldn't say anything about Samantha. She was always so understanding. Magsusungit lang siya kapag nagseselos pero maikling panahon lang 'yon at babalik na siya sa dati. Masyado siyang mabait sa 'kin. 

"Worry about your partner, Engineer Camero," Kalix laughed. They had been watching the girls on the dance floor for a long time. "Go pick her up. She looks like she'll faint in a second."

"Hindi pa 'yan." Sevi shook his head.  "Kaya niya pa 'yan." 

I glanced at his girlfriend, who really looked like she was going to faint. "She needs to go to the hospital," I told him. Kalix and Hiro laughed. 

"Doc naman! Tiwala lang! Kaya niya 'yan!" Sevi prayed for it. 

I stepped out for a bit when I received a call from the hospital. When I went back, Sevi's girlfriend was already making a ruckus. "I love you guys! I love you all! I love you, my friends! I had so much fun today!" 

I stepped aside so Sevi could walk through. He was already pulling his girlfriend with him. 

"Doc, alis na kami!" Sevi said when he saw me. After that, he was gone. 

I went back to the couch and sat beside Kalix. Samantha immediately went to me and sat on my lap, hugging my neck. She was already getting tipsy. 

"He went home too early," I said, talking about Sevi. 

"Well, Elyse is not much of a drinker. Like you!" Sam pointed at my face. 

The party ended with us taking home our drunk girlfriends, except for Kalix. I couldn't drink because I was looking out for Samantha. Pare-pareho lang kaming may buhat sa parking lot. 

"We're going now. Drive safely," Hiro said, putting Yanna on the shotgun seat. 

Samantha fell asleep early that night. I just helped wash her up and change her clothes. The next day, I woke up early to prepare breakfast for her. I wanted to tell her about something. 

"Get dressed. I'm taking you somewhere," I told her when she woke up. 

"Ah, I have a hangover," she complained.

"Not my problem, love." Ayan, inom pa. Inom lang nang inom. Pagsisisihan din pala kinabukasan. 

Instead of getting dressed, she fell asleep again after eating and woke up late afternoon. Nasira na tuloy ang plano ko, but I really wanted to take her out, so I asked her to get dressed. We still left just before the sun could set. 

"Where are we?" she asked when I stopped the car in front of a house. 

"Home," I told her before getting out of the car. 

She curiously followed me from behind until we reached the gate. I opened the door, and the dogs came running to us, wagging their tails. Samantha smiled sweetly and kissed the top of their heads. 

"Hello, love!" she greeted the dogs using her baby voice. 

She suddenly stopped when she saw something on Solar. She bent down and took the ring out of the small chain hanging on the collar, looking at me with confused eyes. 

"Seriously, where are we? What is this?" she asked again, looking around. It was a new house. Different from where we lived last time. 

"I sold the old house because our parents bought it for us. We promised to live for ourselves now, didn't we?" I raised my brows. 

"Yes, but... This... Is this..." She looked at the house. It wasn't that big, and it wasn't that small either. It was just enough for the two of us. I saved a lot for this. "Is this ours now? Are you serious?!" She couldn't help but smile. 

"Mukha ba 'kong nagbibiro?" 

"Love!" She suddenly jumped and hugged me on the neck, pulling me down with her. Halos masakal na 'ko sa higpit ng hawak niya. "Why would you surprise me like this?! And the ring?!" She let me go and showed me the ring. 

"Let's marry," deretsong sabi ko. "For real... You can't break the engagement this time." 

"Marry?" she repeated, getting teary-eyed. I panicked when she started crying in front of me again. "Oh my god, are you sure?" 

Kailangan pa ba niyang itanong 'yon? Simula pa lang, sigurado na 'ko sa kanya. Siya ang pinili kong pakasalan and even if I were faced with the same situation over and over again, I would still choose to be engaged with her. 

I was certain that it was her... The woman I would spend the rest of my life with. 

Instead of giving her a solid answer, I just held her face and kissed her deeply, hoping she would understand what it meant for me. I poured my feelings and made them known with that kiss. She might have understood when she encircled her arms on my neck and kissed me back.

"Our kids are watching," she said when she let go. 

I laughed and slid the ring on her finger. I stared at it for a long time. "It's going to be four now," I told her. 

"You didn't have to give me another one. To me, we are already engaged, even without rings. We're already tied to each other. Don't you know that?" She raised a brow. "I love you so much." 

Our love allowed us to be free while holding each other's hands. Wherever she went, I knew that she would always come back into my arms, and I would always come home to her. 

"I know..." I whispered, staring at her. "I love you. I have always loved you."

Her final walk... will always be with me. 

Dr. Clyden Jaile Ramirez,

Now off-duty. 

- END -